Aug 052009

Today the girls and I went to a playground that has little airplanes to climb and fly. Tish and Amanda ran in opposite directions so I chased after Amanda and I called back to Tish, who was flying a plastic plane…“ Captain Tish, where are you flying?” She called back loudly, “TO ANOTHER FAMILY.”

Aug 052009

Three snippets from today’s conversations with My Feminincess:

Tish- Mommy, Do I look as beautiful as a princess?

Me- Why do you want to be a princess?

Tish-Because I’m a girl!

Me- Right. Did you know that girls can be doctors or lawyers or firefighters or athletes?

Tish- Lawyers can be firefighters?

Me- No, well, I guess they can. But I was saying that girls can be firefighters. Girls can be whatever they want to be.

Tish- Oh. Well, I want to be a princess.

Me- Why? What do princesses do all day?

Tish – They spin and they tiptoe.

Me- Oh.


Tish- Girls don’t go to work.

Me- Where do girls go then?

Tish- They stay at home.

Me- What do they do at home?

Tish- They play.

Me- Oh.


Tish- Mommy, I went to heaven once.

Me- Really? Tell me about it!

Tish- I saw the tooth fairy and I held a baby tooth fairy and I saw Santa and the Easter bunny and I saw God.

Me – You saw God!? What did God look like?

Tish- She looked like brownish.

Me- OH!


Aug 122009

This morning, stuck home alone with my children, I had the following epiphanies:

-My husband hates me and our kids. When he called yesterday to say good night to us from his “layover in Atlanta”, he was actually sipping his fifth margarita at a resort in the Keys, where husbands really go when they say they’re on business trips.

-My house is filthy, and too small to exist in. Too small to breathe in with all of these high pitched voices and dolls and teeny shoes. I am not a home-owner, I am a half-home owner. I accidentally purchased half a home, which is perfect since it’s worth half of what I paid for it. Where is the other half of my house?

-My son will be in therapy soon for co-dependence. He keeps nervously telling me I am “the best mommy in the world,” which is his effort to keep us all on this side of social services when he rightly senses I’m teetering on the edge.

-Tish will join him in therapy to deal with her neglect issues. This morning when she fell down and cried for the fourth time in an hour, I left her there crying, without even turning my head. I’m sorry, but somebody’s got to start sucking it up around here.

-My parents definitely like my sister more. Which is understandable, but still. Rude.

-My hair is horrible. And I am fat, and short, and ugly, like a gnome. And on the day I die the undertaker will have to use concealer on my wrinkly 80 year old chin because I still will not have grown out of my acne.

-I have far too many children. Every time one of them says “Mom,” I bristle like it’s an act of aggression. One or two will have to go. In an effort to avoid playing favorites, I will get rid of the next two who ask for water.I am done getting water. Forever.

UGH. And one more gloomy, lifeless, miserable UGH for good measure. actually, I’m too blah for capital letters today. so… ugh, instead.

At one point this morning, as I stared at the wall and wondered how I hadn’t noticed before that my life was spiraling into this black hole of despair and drudgery, I was brought back to my surroundings by a sharp cramp in my side.Then another, and then finally the big epiphany…OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

I got my period for the first time when I was 12, which means that it caught me completely off guard for the 250th time this morning. Why don’t I ever see it coming? Why aren’t I ever prepared for the viciousness of it?

After breakfast when the kids and I were playing Chutes and Ladders …the game that makes me grateful we don’t have guns in the house, for fear that I might use one on myself if I land on that long freaking slide one more time…I heard an interesting news report on the radio.

Apparently, a woman walked into the Louvre today and threw a mug of coffee at the Mona Lisa. She was immediately arrested and the commentator described it as an “unforgivable” act by a woman who was clearly “not well.” But I immediately understood this woman, and I smiled for the first time all day. In fact, I had half a mind to walk out my half a house and put some bail money in the mailbox.

Maybe the poor woman just woke up on the wrong side of the month this morning. Maybe she walked into the Louvre and saw that smug Mona Lisa hanging there with that composed, unruffled, amused smirk that she wears everyday regardless of the time of the month, and the woman had her own epiphany: Mona Lisa’s going down.

I, for one, stand in solidarity with this woman. As a matter of fact, when the kids go down for their naps, I will go outside and spit my Diet Coke in Mona Lisa’s general direction. Take THAT, Mona Lisa.


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