Good Morning Monkees!
As promised, today I will share what happened at my Lymie-Lupy appointment last week.
Prepare to suspend your disbelief.
First, the doctor said that not only was the Lyme still present, but it appeared as though the tick had given me ANOTHER disease that would have to be treated separately. I suspected this since my symptoms seemed to be worsening, but still. Boo. Then the doctor told me that since the tests also showed that my immune system was overactive and compromised, and might always be so, I would “need to make some permanent lifestyle changes.”
Me: Kay. What do you mean? I should probably stop vacuuming and putting all those clothes in and out of the dryer huh? I knew that was too tough on me. I told Craig.
Doctor: No, that’s not what I mean. What you need to do is stop eating processed foods.
Me: … Oh, I’m sorry. Could you repeat yourself? I thought you just said STOP EATING PROCESSED FOODS and I was giggling hysterically in my head.
Doctor: Glennon, you heard me right. Your immune system is sensitive and the chemicals in processed food are triggers for your auto-immune issues. From now on, you need to stop eating anything from a bag, can, or restaurant. No soda, no sugar, light on red meat and coffee. You will need to eat only organic fruits and vegetables, only organic meat, again, nothing processed.
Me: Well, I am going to assume that you do not include Cheetos, Diet Coke, or Taco Bell in this “processed food” category.
Doctor: I am going to assume that you are joking.
Me: I assure you I am not.
Doctor: Glennon, This is serious. You need to get well and stay well. But you also need to try to keep your weight up.
I thought: Ok, PHEW. Here comes the part where she tells me I can eat pizza and ice cream, too.
Doctor: So you will need to be sure to incorporate organic KIDNEY BEANS, GOAT CHEESE, AND NUTS into your diet as well.
At this point I laughed and felt incredibly grateful that I’d taken the time to apply lip stain and straighten my hair. I realized that, obviously, I’d become very, very famous from the blog and I was being Punked. I tossed my hair and tried to look equal parts cute and shocked while I waited for Ashton.
I started considering how dangerously low I seemed to be running on vice options. No cigarettes, no booze,and now no junk food. I predicted that next year I would be diagnosed with a rare air allergy, and would be told to stop breathing at my earliest convenience. But for some reason, the only thing I could think to say to the doctor was this:
I don’t have a pan.
Okay. Glennon, you should get one.
And then I burst out laughing again. A real laugh this time. Because you, guys, how perfect is this? Panless, Culinarily Incompetent ,Cheeto Dependent Blogger Forced to Turn Health Nut. I imagined God looking down at me, feet up, munching on Cheetos, and saying to Jesus:
Get over here – you’ve got to see this one! It’s our Panless Monkee Blogger getting the organic news! Brilliant!
I said: Allright. Fine, I can do hard things. Is there more? A little water boarding for good measure perhaps?
Doctor: Ha. Now we need to take you for some more blood tests.
Me: Wonderful. Lovely. Excellent. Bring It.
So we walked down to the blood lab and the nice blood lady started making small talk with me while she took FIFTEEN vials of blood. I tried to act brave and normal and laugh at the jokes she was making about how wimpy men are and how they pass out all the time while she is taking their blood.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I was still laughing when I passed out cold.
The next thing I knew I was regaining consciousness in a strange bed with my shirt off surrounded by worried strangers. This has not happened to me since my festive years.
As I came to and I figured out what was happening, I looked at all the nurses while chewing the granola bars they were shoving in my mouth and I thought:
Oh yeah. OHHHHH YEAH. The Monkees are gonna to LOVE this one.
And also, is this granola bar organic?
The plot thickens tomorrow. Lots of Love , G
Book club announcement tomorrow! Sorry for the change!
I have much to report.
As you know, yesterday Tisha and I went to Wegmans and spent lots of hours in the healthy food sections. Not healthy like Baked Cheetos instead of Doritos or People instead of Us . . . REAL healthy food. I’ve never BEEN in these aisles before. Of course, it took me a long while to find any food because I kept watching the Healthy Aisle People. The Healthy Aisle People are relaxed. Even the ones with kids. And they’re pretty. Also serious. They concentrate. A lot of label reading going on. So I tried to look relaxed and pretty and concentrate on the labels, too. And since I really wanted to fit in, every once in a while I called out “GREEN HOUSE EFFECT” or “PETA” or “OREGON” because I figured these were things Healthy Aisle People cared about. Based on their reactions, I think the Healthy Aisle People might prefer quiet. I’ll try that next time.
It took us two hours, but we found everything that Monkee Erin ordered us to buy, except for something called “agave nectar.” I kept sending Tisha for it, but I kept finding her in the wine section. And when I asked her what she was doing there, she would say “I really think agave nectar is a type of wine.” I didn’t think so because I doubted that Erin would suggest I start boozing it up again to get healthy. That was a little too good to be true. So that part was confusing.
Eventually, though, we made it home with all of our crunchy goodies. We decided I would start my organic cooking career by trying to make an “Acorn Squash” recipe that Erin sent.
(Tomorrow I will tell you about how Erin and I ended up in this beautiful mess together. One month ago, we didn’t know each other. Today we correspond ten times a day. She is helping me. Mostly, I email her and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH and she emails back and says calm down. Lots of variations of this interaction. You won’t believe the story of Erin and me. When we encounter a mountain, God always sends the help we’ll need to climb it.)
Anyway, after we decided on the acorn squash, Tisha LEFT, employing some sort of Sink or Swim strategy. And it was just me and the squash. I was scared, but determined. I didn’t want to let Erin down. We were going to have organic spaghetti and meatballs and stuffed bread and acorn squash for dinner if I died trying. Luckily, Monkee Aprile had already sent the sauce and meatballs and stuffed bread home with Chase. Because the Melton family’s well being is a community effort. But I still had to make the PASTA AND SQUASH. Scary.
I told Chase to pray and tied a Monkee around my waist for spiritual support. Then I pulled out a POT that Tisha gave me and started pouring water. Here I am, DOING HARD THINGS. I was told later that it’s not really necessary to stir water to make it boil, but I felt stupid just standing there staring at it. Stirring is fun and fancy, so that’s what I did.
Then I CUT the squash, put it in a casserole dish that I never returned to Diane, and put it in the oven. And then, after a little while, I took it back out and put butter and jelly on it. At first I was going to put peanut butter and jelly on it, but Craig said maybe I should reread the directions. That was a close call. After the butter and jelly spreading, I put the squash back in the oven. And I waited for the timer to beep. I asked Craig to take pictures while I was cooking, but when I reviewed the pictures I had ten variations of this shot.
Thank you, Husband. Anyway, the timer did eventually beep, and that made me very terrified.
But when I opened the oven . . .very, very slowly to see what was going on in there…look what I saw! LOOK MONKEES!! A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!!!!!
Five minutes after that picture was taken, I served my sweet little family Aprile’s amazing organic spaghetti and stuffed bread, and MY delicious acorn squash. They were mildly surprised at my success.
I was just tired.
Remember when NASA sent a monkey to the moon in the space shuttle to see if it was possible for regular humans to be successful at the mission? Yesterday was sort of like that.
And folks, the Monkee has landed. The verdict is in. We can do hard things. I think it actually might be possible for me to learn how to feed myself and my family REAL food. The food God meant for us to eat to make our bodies, minds, and spirits work right.
Today: BLACK BEAN HUMMUS AND MEXICAN PIZZA. There’s no stopping me. I’m fearless. Take THAT stupid Lyme.
Note: I’m actually not fearless. I’ve got plenty of fear about this dumb disease. But I’m working while I fear. And I’m whistling while I work. And this is helping.
What hard thing can we help you conquer today?
P.S. Please note that anonymous at 8:18 had to put down a dog she’s loved for 17 years last night. Let’s stop for a moment and send her a virtual squeeze. We love you, brave Monkee. Thanks for sharing your heart.