Sep 172009

So…parties. They make me nervous.

I don’t feel like I’m very good at anything that parties require of folks. Like getting off the couch and changing out of sweatpants and mingling and staying up late. There was a time in my life when I fancied myself an expert at all of these things. But that was when I was comfortable with a few dozen helpful drinks before the party and an occasional arrest afterwards. Now, it’s different. My standards for myself are ever so slightly higher. Now I have no armor, no help, nothing to take the edge off and to make myself, or others, more charming. And so partying is harder. And honestly, quite scary.

My neighborhood friends had a party last weekend. Not a terrifying dress up , get a sitter, evening kind of party, but the potluck, bring the kids, you’ll be home by bedtime kind of party. Which is better for me. Except, of course, for the pot luck part. When my friend called to invite us she said “Just bring a side.” I know that’s easy for some people. I can tell because they add the “just.” But my “sides” are frozen broccoli and Lipton bagged rice, neither of which travel or present well.

I have prepared the same Lipton bagged rice every evening for the past 7 years.And every night, I still get nervous and read the directions carefully. I think there are three directions. Something like – add water and rice and boil and then stir. But I still prop that bag up, demand silence from the children, follow along with my finger, and concentrate. Because in the kitchen you must never let your guard down, people. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Anyway, I was pretty sure frozen broccoli or bagged rice wasn’t the way to go, so I brought another trusted side. Cheetos.The BAKED KIND, friends, because I care about the health of the children. Although Cheetos are already bagged, I put them in another bag, so I could smuggle them into the party without anyone seeing what I brought. I have this system down to a science. So when we arrived, I waved my hellos, scurried inside, and slipped my Cheetos next to all the lovely casseroles that appeared to have one million ingredients each. DO PEOPLE SERVE CASSEROLES AT HOME AS SIDES? Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. Then I went outside and played with my favorite group of ladies and kids in the world.

All was well and lovely until it was time to eat. Our hostess, Karen, whom I suspect my parents secretly pay to help keep my family running smoothly, called us all in to eat. The kids ran ahead and the parents followed, and we all stood around the table holding our plates and admiring the beautiful spread.And one of the kids said “I want some mac and cheese!”I did too. It was homemade and looked like a mound of love. And then another kid said “My mommy made the mac and cheese!” And I thought, Oh crap. I know where this is going.

So of course, another kid said “My mommy made the pasta salad.” And then another chimed in with, “My mommy made the chocolate chip cookies!” I stared at Chase, willing him to catch my eye so I could send him my “Don’t. Say. A. Word.” signal, which he knows quite well.

But ….no such pot luck.

He looked up, of course, and announced… equal parts loud and proud:


I am seriously considering calling the local high school this week and asking if I can audit their Home Economics class.

Sep 222009


I think it’s time to address the seven thousand emails I have received about my lack of pots and pans.Apparently many of my readers believe that this pot situation is a very big deal, and I think it’s time for me to publicly acknowledge those readers’ feelings. I hear you, friends. I understand that you are shocked and upset and worried about my children and husband. I know this because you are sending me recipes and coupons, begging me to buy pans and pots, even offering to buy them for me. You promise me in your emails that it would make my family feel good if I cooked for them, how it’s no big deal, how everybody does it.You are so very concerned, so very kind. But please understand this…

I can see right through you, people.

Let me guess, the next thing you’ll suggest is that these pots you love so much are non-habit forming, right?That I can just try them once, and then put them down…no big deal.Well, friends, we have a saying in Virginia… fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, and shame on me and I won’t be fooled again. In Virginia.About pots. Or something.

Because I suspect, you POT PUSHERS, that if I try one of your beloved pots just this once, people around here will expect me to use them again and again and before I know it, I’ll be an apron wearing, food network watching, recipe swapping, Rachel Ray worshipping POTHEAD just like the rest of you.

Ever heard the saying “Misery Loves Company?” Uh-huh. I have.


I choose to say NO, THANK YOU. I am above the influence. Take your dirty pots and hit up the next lady. (If in fact, there are any other ladies who don’t own pots.)

Remember that commercial from the eighties… “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs?” Well, folks, the image above is from that commercial. That is your brain. On drugs. IN A PAN. Coincidence? Oh, I think not.

So ladies…you go ahead and choose this day how and what you will serve.

But as for me and my family, we will serve PIZZA.

Sep 252009

December 11, 2008 is a day that will go down in infamy for my family, because it is the day that mommy exploded all of the electric toothbrushes in the microwave.

Oh, COME ON.Like you’ve never done it.

Here is the fallout from that day… as told through my distressed Facebook status updates and the comments of my dismayed but amused friends. If you become my friend, either in real life or on Facebook, you will also find yourself dismayed and amused often. I have noticed a distinct pattern over the years.

December 11, 2008:

8:30 AM Glennon Doyle Meltonis shutting down her computer in an effort to deal with her technology addiction. Call if you need me.

9:30 AM Glennon Doyle Meltonhas relapsed and is back online. She also just melted the family’s toothbrushes in the microwave. Husband, please pick up 5 new toothbrushes on the way home. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.


Jennifer Meyers

LMAO. Thanks. I needed that laugh this morning.

Meahgen Hester Fargo

why were the toothbrushes in the microwave?

Glennon Doyle Melton

Long version: I have these sanitizing bags that go in the microwave for baby stuff. I was trying to clean all the toothbrushes, so I put them in the bag in the micro. Immediately, the entire house filled with horrible burning plastic fumes and the kids were walking around with shirts over their noses.
Short version: I am an idiot.

Jennifer Meyers

Dishwasher works better. :-)

Glennon Doyle Melton


Greg Zesinger

It was probably time to replace those toothbrushes anyway. :)

Shannon Sweet Ryan

ha! that is hilarious! you know…it does work by zapping them in those sterlizing bags…just make sure you only do like 2 at a time…and make sure the water COMPLETELY covers them!:)

Mandy Doyle

SISTER. we have been over this before: Please do not use any kitchen appliance until I return to Virginia and review how they work. It’s been a couple of weeks since our last review, so it’s no wonder we had this small snafu. Also, I know times are tough, but I’ll spot the family some new toothbrushes. I repeat– touch nothing in the kitchen.

Vincent K. Gaye

WOW! You have tooth brushes!? I should look into them! ;-)

Glennon Doyle Melton

Did I mention that they were electric toothbrushes?

Mandy Doyle

As your dutiful counsel and loving sister, I am going to have to insist that you cease making these kinds of admissions against your interest. Also, I submit that you must stop using any appliances altogether– whether the same be found in the kitchen, bathroom, or any other godforsaken place in your home. Thank you for your cooperation in these significant matters.

Glennon Doyle Melton

This request to stop using appliances will be easily followed, as I seem to have drastically fewer working appliances than I did when this “godforsaken” day began. I can only hope that husband will be as entertained as my fellow facebookers by today’s events, and interpret them as “quirky” and “cute” instead of “idiotic” and “incredibly annoying.” we shall see. i fear that there is only so much one man can take.

Shannon Sweet Ryan

yeah, no…you forgot to mention that…disregard my 1st can’t do that….:)

Casey Hanner Peterson

i will say, those bags are magic…I often try and think of what i could sanitize with them – hadn’t thought of toothbrushes, but nice work. btw, please don’t attempt to cure your technology addiction again, the rest of us would suffer not having your hilarious status updates!

Beth Whitehouse

HA HA HA you kill me Doyle!

Jen Sanna Graham

Excellent work. I would happily melt all our toothbrushes if I was promised to be indefinitely banned from all household appliances as my punishment. You sly fox, you.

Craig Melton

Wife- Unfriend.UNFRIEND!

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