**photo credit - https://www.facebook.com/avisionphotography.
I’m still in my pajama/yoga pants that I rolled out of bed in and then took my kiddo to school in, I am drinking cold tea because warming it up is well, hard, and am eating a chuck of cheese out of the fridge for my breakfast/lunch. This is not one of my bad days. It’s just, you know, where I’m at today. I should be doing a million things but I am here, nursing my cold tea, because Momastery sustains me, and I hadn’t read it in a while. I’m glad I came today. I want to join you for a bit.
But first I have to tell you something awful. I’m embarrassed to admit that I used to get ugly jealous of your beautiful family. I’m ASHAMED to admit this. I’d think, well sure, Glennon can know that she’s enough but not TOO much because she has her peeps. And for me, it’s just me and my kiddo, and sometimes it is just too lonely for words. Just the other day, I was in another situation where I was just too much, I feel too much, I laugh too much, I cry too much, it’s just too much for everyone around me, and yet somehow I used to always feel like I was just never enough either. When I would be reading Momastery and embarrassedly think, ‘I can’t possibly think I’m ok, because I don’t have my own Sister or Husband or Bubba’ I would have to LAUGH at myself, at the silly, irony in my statement, just laugh. Because I had you, I had this place. I had this space I could come to at 3am and cry and laugh and be enough, but never too much.
Over the past year and a half, I have found solace and healing in the dark places because you have not been complicit in the darkness. You have shed light and with light comes healing. This place, this circle of Monkees have shed sacred light on so many of our dark places. In her book, Circle of Stones (not that I’ve READ the book, but I like the quote) Judith Duerk asks,
“How might your life have been different if there had been a place for you? A place for you to go… A place of women, to help you learn the ways of women… a place where you were nurtured from an ancient flow sustaining you and steadying you as you sought to become yourself. A place of women to help you find and trust the ancient flow already there within yourself…waiting to be released.”
I don’t have to wonder any more how my life might have been different if there was a place for me, because now there is. I thank you and all the brave warrior monkees for sharing your true selves.
The parts that seem battered and broken also tend to be the ones that shed the most light, don’t they? And then when I think that, I think well dammit, that is just NOT FAIR. And it’s not, but it doesn’t matter because it just is. And so today, my heart breaks for your heavy place, but it is also grateful for your light. So many of us have received our own News. I won’t get into the terror of my News or the healing journey of my particular story. The details are not important. What is important is that right now, here, breathing in and out, you are enough, but not too much. Right now, right here, you are sacred and loved. Glennon, my beloved, your light brings healing to us. And then our light reflects back. That’s part of the Monkee way this giving and receiving that is always mixed up and circular so that in the giving we are receiving and in the receiving we are giving.
With all these thousands of messages, we sit with you, our own small lights together creating a huge glowing space that surrounds you, until your breath reminds you that you are perfectly whole. In the midst of this yucky yuck yuck bullshit, you are doing the exact right things, whether that is biking through Target or crying through the afternoon, it is exactly right. We will sit encircling you until your breath comes more easily. Until the minutes don’t seem so long. Then we will sit some more. With virtual cups of tea, we will sit and keep your house cozy and safe while you solo out on your bike so that when you return home again you don’t have to feel emptiness. Sorry if we added to the crumb collection on the carpet though, Monkees can be a little messy. When you need company, we will ride with you in a kind of critical mass of broken mamas, perfect with our scars, singing the Rainbow Connection at the top of our lungs.
Glennon, I can’t promise you that we will be neat and I know I will be clumsy, but I can promise you that we will, that I will, do my best to try to be that place where you can be “sustained and steadied as you seek to become yourself.” I am wrapping you in love and light, breathing in and out with you, and praying for your highest good, for your family’s highest good, for Craig’s highest good (and I can tell you Mama, that last one is a little hard, but I can do hard things). Sister on, Glennon. We are Sistering right along with you.
Love, love, love,
P.S. “There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” -Leonard Cohen
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” -Rumi.
It’s 5:30 in the morning, pitch dark outside, and I’m in my yoga pants and hoodie. Before I got my coffee, I rushed to my computer, because this is where God is these days. He/She sends me love through here. I woke up to 200 new comments and 40 new emails since last night and I read each one slowly and found myself thinking- “I am the luckiest girl in the world,” which is a strange thing to think at a time like this.
But somehow I missed Margaret’s comment, and I saw an email from Bubba that said “just in case you missed this one,” with the above beauty attached;
In her book, Circle of Stones (not that I’ve READ the book, but I like the quote) Judith Duerk asks, “How might your life have been different if there had been a place for you? A place for you to go… A place of women, to help you learn the ways of women… a place where you were nurtured from an ancient flow sustaining you and steadying you as you sought to become yourself. A place of women to help you find and trust the ancient flow already there within yourself…waiting to be released.” I don’t have to wonder any more how my life might have been different if there was a place for me, because now there is. I thank you and all the brave warrior monkees for sharing your true selves. – M
Margaret- I didn’t really know until I read your email that everything you wrote- it’s MY DREAM. The book is not my only dream, the mini-fame is not my dream, the “perfect marriage” isn’t even my dream. THAT. What you just said, is my life’s dream. Creating a place for you is my dream.As my Tish says, WHAT ON THE HECK??” Apparently it took the crumbling of my old life, the crumbling of the walls all around me, to see what was built outside. A city of women loving each other was built. Standing strong for each other. A circle of stones. For us. JESUS. It’s a freaking miracle. I’ll take it, M. I’ll take The Crumbling to have learned that this circle is REAL.
Dearest M and all of the Monkees – please know that you have made this okay for me. I do not throw that out there lightly. I have read and reread and rereread your stories and I know the road that’s coming is a doozy. But I WILL WALK IT WITH YOU. AND I WILL WALK IT IN THE LIGHT. No hiding. No shame. No pride. So I will be okay. I have my circle of stones. I don’t have to pretend that being a woman is anything short of WARRIORISM.
One more thing. Craig is at a place where they have “family week” coming up. He has asked me to come. I refused. No way, Jose. (‘Cause let’s face it, his real name might very well be Jose. Who knows?) My parents wanted me to go, everyone wanted me to go, but I said NO. NO, NO. I am taking CARE OF MYSELF FROM NOW ON.
I want you to know that something about your cumulative messages has changed my mind. I’m going. I’m going to bear it. I am NOT going to grin and bear it, but I am going to bear it. My Adrianne said- “G- when you are falling off that new bike of yours, steer TOWARDS the fall and you’ll be okay.” She probably meant that literally, because I am horrifically clumsy and un-athletic, but I accepted it as relationship advice. And then my special, special friend, Mr. Ruble said, “There is a great deal of pain in life, and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.” (R. D. Laing)
So because of them and you, I am going. Whatever pain there is, it’s time to face it head on. There might be a time to walk away, but that time is not now- and this is all about timing, I think. One little decision at a time. And you know, the truth is that I have less to mourn than I originally thought. Because what I thought I had wasn’t real. So now I have a chance, whether it’s with Craig, or by myself, to have REAL. We need real. We just need REAL. We’ve learned that here, right? That’s all we need.
I don’t know how to say thank you. How does one say THANK YOU for all the time you’ve taken out of your busy, full lives to write, to pray, to cry for me and my family? I can’t. I’m crying now. Not heartbroken tears, but heart-broken-open tears. Different. I am just forever, forever grateful for you. You’ve made me feel brave again. I AM BRAVE AGAIN! I can do this. I can do truth and real, even if it’s brutal. Because we know where there’s brutal, there’s beauty. We’ve already found it.
I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU.YOU ARE MY DREAM COME TRUE.
|Listen with the night falling we are saying thank youwe are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railingswe are running out of the glass roomswith our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
smiling by the windows looking out
in our directions
back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you.