Sep 222009
 

Kay.

I think it’s time to address the seven thousand emails I have received about my lack of pots and pans.Apparently many of my readers believe that this pot situation is a very big deal, and I think it’s time for me to publicly acknowledge those readers’ feelings. I hear you, friends. I understand that you are shocked and upset and worried about my children and husband. I know this because you are sending me recipes and coupons, begging me to buy pans and pots, even offering to buy them for me. You promise me in your emails that it would make my family feel good if I cooked for them, how it’s no big deal, how everybody does it.You are so very concerned, so very kind. But please understand this…

I can see right through you, people.

Let me guess, the next thing you’ll suggest is that these pots you love so much are non-habit forming, right?That I can just try them once, and then put them down…no big deal.Well, friends, we have a saying in Virginia… fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, and shame on me and I won’t be fooled again. In Virginia.About pots. Or something.

Because I suspect, you POT PUSHERS, that if I try one of your beloved pots just this once, people around here will expect me to use them again and again and before I know it, I’ll be an apron wearing, food network watching, recipe swapping, Rachel Ray worshipping POTHEAD just like the rest of you.

Ever heard the saying “Misery Loves Company?” Uh-huh. I have.

WELL.

I choose to say NO, THANK YOU. I am above the influence. Take your dirty pots and hit up the next lady. (If in fact, there are any other ladies who don’t own pots.)

Remember that commercial from the eighties… “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs?” Well, folks, the image above is from that commercial. That is your brain. On drugs. IN A PAN. Coincidence? Oh, I think not.

So ladies…you go ahead and choose this day how and what you will serve.

But as for me and my family, we will serve PIZZA.

Sep 252009
 


December 11, 2008 is a day that will go down in infamy for my family, because it is the day that mommy exploded all of the electric toothbrushes in the microwave.


Oh, COME ON.Like you’ve never done it.


Here is the fallout from that day… as told through my distressed Facebook status updates and the comments of my dismayed but amused friends. If you become my friend, either in real life or on Facebook, you will also find yourself dismayed and amused often. I have noticed a distinct pattern over the years.


December 11, 2008:


8:30 AM Glennon Doyle Meltonis shutting down her computer in an effort to deal with her technology addiction. Call if you need me.

9:30 AM Glennon Doyle Meltonhas relapsed and is back online. She also just melted the family’s toothbrushes in the microwave. Husband, please pick up 5 new toothbrushes on the way home. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

·

Jennifer Meyers

LMAO. Thanks. I needed that laugh this morning.

Meahgen Hester Fargo

why were the toothbrushes in the microwave?

Glennon Doyle Melton

Long version: I have these sanitizing bags that go in the microwave for baby stuff. I was trying to clean all the toothbrushes, so I put them in the bag in the micro. Immediately, the entire house filled with horrible burning plastic fumes and the kids were walking around with shirts over their noses.
Short version: I am an idiot.

Jennifer Meyers

Dishwasher works better. :-)

Glennon Doyle Melton

AAAAHHHHHH the DISHWASHER! OF COURSE!

Greg Zesinger

It was probably time to replace those toothbrushes anyway. :)

Shannon Sweet Ryan

ha! that is hilarious! you know…it does work by zapping them in those sterlizing bags…just make sure you only do like 2 at a time…and make sure the water COMPLETELY covers them!:)

Mandy Doyle

SISTER. we have been over this before: Please do not use any kitchen appliance until I return to Virginia and review how they work. It’s been a couple of weeks since our last review, so it’s no wonder we had this small snafu. Also, I know times are tough, but I’ll spot the family some new toothbrushes. I repeat– touch nothing in the kitchen.

Vincent K. Gaye

WOW! You have tooth brushes!? I should look into them! 😉

Glennon Doyle Melton

Did I mention that they were electric toothbrushes?

Mandy Doyle

As your dutiful counsel and loving sister, I am going to have to insist that you cease making these kinds of admissions against your interest. Also, I submit that you must stop using any appliances altogether– whether the same be found in the kitchen, bathroom, or any other godforsaken place in your home. Thank you for your cooperation in these significant matters.

Glennon Doyle Melton

This request to stop using appliances will be easily followed, as I seem to have drastically fewer working appliances than I did when this “godforsaken” day began. I can only hope that husband will be as entertained as my fellow facebookers by today’s events, and interpret them as “quirky” and “cute” instead of “idiotic” and “incredibly annoying.” we shall see. i fear that there is only so much one man can take.

Shannon Sweet Ryan

yeah, no…you forgot to mention that…disregard my 1st comment..you can’t do that….:)

Casey Hanner Peterson

i will say, those bags are magic…I often try and think of what i could sanitize with them – hadn’t thought of toothbrushes, but nice work. btw, please don’t attempt to cure your technology addiction again, the rest of us would suffer not having your hilarious status updates!

Beth Whitehouse

HA HA HA you kill me Doyle!

Jen Sanna Graham

Excellent work. I would happily melt all our toothbrushes if I was promised to be indefinitely banned from all household appliances as my punishment. You sly fox, you.

Craig Melton

Wife- Unfriend.UNFRIEND!

Sep 302009
 

I learned last night that there are at least two people in America who still have not seen this, and that is just not okay.

Tish and I are trying desperately to learn the dance before Thursday, which is the night we hit the clubs.

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