Jul 182014
 

marriage-post-its

When Craig and I separated, I was approached by groups asking me to be a poster girl for Leaving.

When we reunited, I was approached by groups asking me to be a poster girl for Staying.

Um, no thank you, I said to all the groups.

Here is what I will be the poster girl for:

In the midst of the pain, find some time to Be Still every day. Turn off the voices of friends and family and media and church and blogs and books and listen there for the voice of wisdom that arises in stillness. Because right now- making decisions is not about doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It’s about doing the PRECISE thing. The PRECISE thing is always incredibly personal and unique and often makes no sense to the people in your life. That doesn’t matter right now. You answer to no one except yourself in the quiet.

Don’t get too excited, because this voice will never offer you a five year plan: just the Next Right Thing. It will never tell you what’s at the end of the path- just where to step next. Luckily- this is always good enough. The Next Right Thing, One Thing At A Time- Will Bring You All the Way Home.

After walking through Sister’s divorce/ remarriage, my own separation/ reconciliation, and reading the stories from women around the globe about love lost and found – I have come to believe this:

Some loves are perennials-they survive the winter and bloom again. Some are annuals- beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the Earth to create richer soil for new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.

The only way to find out whether your love is perennial or annual is to Be Still and Do That Next Right Thing until more is revealed. That’s just the Way It Is.

So does a Warrior Go? YES. If that’s what her deepest wisdom tells her to do. Does a Warrior Stay? YES. If that’s what her deepest wisdom tells her to do.

Put that on a poster and I’ll put my face right the heck on it.



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  166 Responses to “When Craig and I Separated”

  1. I just got the talk yesterday, he said he “thinks” he wants a divorce. We haven’t even hit 2 years yet. We’ve been in counseling and I thought things were turning around. I am so lonely, I paced tracks in our home trying to find the quiet but my loudly thudding heart drowns it out. I love him, I want this to work so much. What do I do?

    • Sending you warm hugs (from another two-year-married wife walking through crisis). Whatever happens, know that you’re not alone. Loving someone doesn’t mean that everything will work out the way you want, but if it doesn’t, you will still survive, and become stronger.

      Build your support system apart from your husband, talk to a counsellor, take care of yourself (get as much sleep and healthy food as you can, go for walks, pray/meditate/whatever spiritual practices will help) and cherish the things that feed your spirit.

      Your identity as “wife” isn’t the only one you have, and it isn’t the most important one either. Breathe, take it one day at a time, nurture hopefulness no matter the outcome and stay strong as things sort themselves out.

      Walking beside you,

      Nat

    • I’ve been married for 1.5 years and in that time, have struggled SO hard in this marriage. Husband has mentioned being “done” countless times (my 1st marriage; his second) and lays almost all the blame for our arguments at MY feet.
      It is so tough. SO tough. Marriage, not parenting, is the hardest thing ever on this Earth. I have a small child with my husband, that little one is SUCH a blessing.
      Stick with it. Even if he brings you papers….you don’t have to sign them. Remind him of the commitment you both made before God. Keep plugging along….find old married couples and ask them how they did it, how they’ve stuck through it all. Their marriages weren’t all roses every day, they’ve fought and gone to bed angry too!

  2. ” a hero never runs, or surrenders, they fight and if there only option is to leave, they do confident that it wasnt meant to be right here, right now, or right ever. But, they fought. “- all I can say is, what wise words to me from a fellow follower of this blog. Im in the midst of the fight for a marriage of nearly 30 years. I want to end as a hero…with or without him in my life. Right now, I choose to stay and fight. thanks again for the insight and strength

  3. I left my husband tonight, after a terrible physical altercation that was the latest of many – and now it’s the last. I am beyond speech, or hope, just a tremendous sense of loss and emptiness. I am safe with friends, but terribly alone in my decisions. I don’t know what to do next, or what the next right thing is…

    • Your courage is amazing….stay strong. My prayers are with you.

    • “I am safe… but terribly alone…” I feel you Natacha! Stay strong and here’s a big hug for you.

    • It’s 54 days post-separation. I’m doing better – maintaining no-contact, going back to classes part-time, have a new place to live and a little bit of my own income, reuniting with old friends from before the marriage. The criminal/family law stuff is hard, and some days are brutal with grief and loss and hurt, but it is slowly getting better.

      Thank you, Char and Cali, for your support!

  4. I love what was shared and how you shared it! Thank you.

  5. I am currently reading Carry on Warrior. I have read several books in the sauna, and I am in a different place when I leave. Sweaty and refreshed. I thought it was so funny to read how you do the same thing while I was in the sauna with your book. There are parts of your book that have reminded me of my own marriage of ten years, though I know every story is individual. I had a wonderful but detached husband, and I too received The News from him. And more news. And more news. At one point, my father suggested I stop asking for disclosures because I was in emotional turmoil. It took me four years to divorce my husband because I wanted to stay, and we have two children. I made every attempt to hold on to our marriage; showing up and soaking up individual, group, and marriage counseling. In the end, I chose divorce because The News kept on coming, and I eventually lost love for him and gained an abundant amount of self-love I never had before. I admire your writing, and your stance on not being a poster person for staying or going. I write too, and would just like to share a poem I wrote while finding self-love in the mist of turmoil.

    Sweeping of Peace

    Peace can sweep in unexpectedly and chill
    The ever heated flow of angst
    Drumming in a heart that paints red
    Upon the eyes of humankind

    And should the heavens intervene
    With grace and might for the fearful lost
    Cold will awaken those who dare to feel
    The drummer holding sticks ablaze

    And unearthly winds ignite the soul
    With painful burn of rapid fire
    Scars are made and lessons earned
    As spirit births new purpose

    God speaks the most in pain and loss
    Chiding tranquil blessings disguised
    And the cloak once a costume falls to ashes
    And swirls about the sweeping of peace

    Cfh 2009

  6. I agree with most of your letter. However, calling yourself or anyone a ‘Warrior” is questionable. One would have to take the entirety of the situation or the totality of circumstances to make any judgment on whether the person showed strentgh to leave or stay. If it is an abusive relationship, addiction involved, or a change of heart with honest attempts to rekindle, then YES, that takes strength. But, for someone to be deceitful and have an affair behind their significant others back or just flat out give up on a relationship for any reason takes no strength and those people, in my opinion, do not have any right to be called Heroes. They are cowards. Strength is looking adversity in the eye and facing it no matter what the result is. Being able to look back with a clear concious and say ‘I did everything I could’ and ‘I gave everything I had’ and no matter the results I was a fighter; that is strength and worthy of such a title. One who never fights, never gives for, and never joins’ the fight for love do not belong in such a category. The coddling by society to group these types only makes the separation and divorce rate higher because they lack true ingredients to a long and healthy relationship, and that is committment and selflessness. I hope you see my point in differentiating the two types of lovers and people. Those who fight and those who flight. A hero doesnt mean you stay no matter what, it means you gave no matter what to make it work, but in the end whether it works out or not, a hero never runs, or surrenders, they fight and if there only option is to leave, they do confident that it wasnt meant to be right here, right now, or right ever. But, they fought.

  7. I need help! We have been together 21 years, married for 16. My husband just told me he wants a separation. There is someone else, just emotional at this point and she has LOTS of baggage – kids, powerful husband, etc. He just wants time to think. He won’t give a time frame. Says he doesn’t know what he wants – just knows he does not/will not come back to THIS. We have 2 wonderful kids who will be devastated. We are/were BEST FRIENDS. Our friends and family are absolutely shocked! As am I. Blindsided. We did everything together, rarely fought. The issue – I have closed him out emotional due to my own untreated anxiety/depression. I have trouble having fun and enjoying life. All he wanted was to enjoy life with his soul mate and now that I have got help, it’s too late. It was like someone who smokes, but doesn’t get help until the doctor says it’s cancer. NOW I am getting help, but he never sat down with me and insisted before that I get help. We fought about it a several times (once/year), but always thought I could handle it on my own. Then, the anxiety grew as he put more pressure on me: taking care of his mother with Alzheimer’s in our home, the main bread winner, all family manager duties, kids’ sports events, helping him with any major business decisions, etc etc. I had a particularly rough year at work and pulled away even more – felt overwhelmed and alone in doing it all for everyone. I lost myself. I know people say “go find yourself” and that will look attractive to him, but now that he’s going, how will he see it? All I want is to save this marriage. He is depressed in his decision because we were so close and friends. He just can’t live the rest of his life feeling alone emotionally. For the last month, he has kissed me daily hello/goodbye and told me daily “I love you.” When I ask why, he says because he does love me and all the history we have. He does not want counseling. How can I show him that things can/will be different if he’s gone? Please! Anyone in a similar situation who was able to show their husband? I need prayers!!!! I need hope!!!!

    • MAM,
      I am praying and I hear you and feel you and see you. We all do. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We will not abandon you. Answers will come…God enable this sweet woman to be still and hear Your Voice…cloak her in YourSelf. Amen.

  8. YES. yes yes yes yes.

  9. Thank you thank you thank you. From someone in a relationship that’s not sure whether it’s a perennial or an annual.

  10. I don’t know that I’d ever asked myself, “what would I do if he cheated?” But it’s safe to say that if I had, my answer would have been gtfo. Married not 18 months, together for over 8 years by that point. August 3, 2009, the day my earth stood still. And in my stillness of that moment, my inner voice surprised me. It said, “I’ll be DAMNED if your mistake, one that you appear to be truly regretful about, is going to alter the course of my life – OUR life.” You know what I said to him? I still can’t believe this is what came out of me…
    “I’m sorry this happened. I know this must have been really weighing on you, not to mention exhausting trying to keep it from me. Are you okay?”

    Huh??

    Ladies. For a long time I gave God credit for granting me grace in that moment. But – and this right here isn’t going to win me any friends – SCREW THAT. I know God loves me and was with me in that moment, as with all moments of my life, but that grace? It was all me, baby. I was so much stronger and so much more level-headed than I ever would have given myself credit for. In the next moment, a bit of my grace fell away and I made demands (a therapy appointment the next evening, an immediate call to HER to break off any remaining ties, and an appt for him to get STD tests). We had weeks and months when I didn’t think we’d make it. But here we are, almost 5 years out and we’re together. Better. Stronger. My voice never told me to go. It always said stay. But that’s not what everyone’s voice says.

    What I couldn’t have known about surviving and staying together despite infidelity was this: the balance of power in our relationship was off. In my favor. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t want that power. I didn’t want to wonder if, during an everday squabble, is he deferring to me because he really agrees, or because he feels guilty about “it?”

    Staying and leaving each come with such a huge set of challenges. We didn’t have kids at the time and even then, the thought of leaving seemed insurmountable when a friend suggested it. My heart is with all of you who have tiner kiddos and are struggling with staying or going. I love you all. Listen to your voice. She’s always right.

  11. I have never commented before, but I am amazed to see so many responses that are so similar to my situation. I have shed more tears than I can count, especially in those quiet moments when my heart says, ” you deserve more than this, you deserve to be happy, will my kids learn that this is how a relationship should be…?” I have heard many comments mention roommates, that we are. I feel like there is not much left of our relationship/love & its dwindling. I cannot honestly say I have given it a truly fair fight yet, but I feel that I want to and I try, but it is so hard to make changes in me when it goes unrecognized or his behavior brings me so far down again, I give up. I have begged for years for counseling to which he said, “no.” This past year we started, but he wouldn’t do any of work it took to get to where we needed, then we quit going. At this point, I am frustrated, confused, depressed & unhappy. I know there is more to a happy relationship & I want that so badly. But leaving means giving up my kids every other weekend & holidays would break me. Not to mention how utterly nasty & unrelenting I know he would be. The answer has not been clearly heard in the quiet, but I feel it’s getting stronger & it makes me cry more & scares the heck out of me! How long do you wait?

    • Hey MK it’s BQ. You were brave to write this. Your answer in the quiet sounds like mine was when my kids were younger. So, me too. Giving up the kids every other weekend and holidays would break you. Not to mention how utterly nasty & unrelenting he would be…so wait. I waited…and he left and was nasty & unrelenting anyway. No broken Mommys. Do not break yourself. Prepare yourself. Brace yourself. Slowly, softly, be easy on yourself. Save money. Load a bunch of pre-loadable debit cards. Put them in a safe place. Give yourself wiggle room and choices and options. Stay willing and open to counselling and help for you marriage. Go for yourself. Find things that make you laugh on Youtube. Carry on….we love you.

      • I meant Hi, HK…

      • Great advice

      • Thank you, thank you, thank you. It means so much to share and get advice from someone who understands & has been there. It’s such a conflicting, confusing place to be, but comforting to hear sound words on my situation.

        • And open credit cards in your name only if you don’t already have them…even if its one store, but a Visa is better….to establish the basis of an individual credit rating. I did this and it was a Godsend when I did decide to leave. The advice here is spot on. Whether you stay or you go, creating options (ie not relying on him for you finances) gives you freedom. Good luck.

      • I agree with BQ completely! Especially saving funds on preloaded debit cards that are in a safe (& hidden – ie. not traceable) place. I did this (I did not have children). I laid in wait, asking (begging really) for counselling to save us, he refused for 2+ years…and didn’t agree to go or try to fight for me until I left after 2+ years of verbal abuse. Once he was diagnosed with being depressed (apparently the reasoning for his actions) I was done. I knew it too. Don’t move, just breathe. Laugh (at least try to). Believe it or not, this will make you stronger. I thought it would break me (especially my long & drawn out divorce) but I’m still here, tougher than ever. I have a love-filled marriage now with my Chapter 2 and we have amazing children. Never did I ever think love could feel like this.

      • HK, this is exactly (exactly!) where I am too. I could have written your post myself, to the word. You are not alone in your pain, with your questions. And BQ? Your advice is very helpful for me as well. Thank you, my Dears.

        I am grateful to all of you here…all of you who hope and try so hard and clean up your own side of the street even though you find yourself with a man who thinks you are to blame for his unhappiness and who refuses to try. Because sometimes it is all so isolating and you think everyone else is happy and why is this so hard? You just want to be loved.

        And you are…you are. You are lovable. You are the Beloved. Just…not of your husband. And that’s hurts so much, but it is not everything. Don’t let it be everything. (She’s says to herself.)

        Love wins. I still believe that. Line up with the sources of love where you find them, and let them inform your choices every day. Muddled though you may be, just line up with Love.

        • Ladies, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I have been through days when I truly did not think how I would get to the other side. When I gave myself permission to take it down to one moment at a time, then the morning came easier…the sun rose a little brighter… My hope became a little more credible.

          Took me years to realize that feeling weAk and lost was necessary to my growth. It is ok, trust me and girl code would not allow me to do otherwise. :)

      • What? “Load a bunch of pre-loadable debit cards”? Are you dependent on this person for income? Why is that?

        • Because, TM, being a full-time mum takes … full time. That’s why that is. Live your life how you want, and let others do the same, judgement is pointless.

  12. My husband left me and my 2 year son last summer. I was 3 months pregnant. Now it’s me, my almost 4 year old son & now 9 month old baby girl. What a tough road it’s been. I feel like I’m in a fog sometimes but taking care of my 2 & me have to be my first priority. One foot in front of the other.

  13. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. There are many of us who desperately need to hear that sometimes the right thing is to go. I’ve spent many months jealously reading the posts of others who saved their marriages through hard work and giving it to God, but the plain fact of the matter is this: No marriage can be saved when only one partner wants to save it.

    My husband has emotionally checked out of our marriage by degrees until he all but left. We’re barely roommates, barely acquaintances, and he’s more than made it clear that “we” are not a priority. I never even thought about leaving. I took the blame, made the sacrifices, kept telling myself that if I only worked harder or made myself “be someone better” that he’d open his eyes and open his heart and commit to us again. But in the past year, he’s come to the point where he isn’t even emotionally there for the kids any longer (and that was the credit I always gave him… “he’s a lousy husband, but at least he’s a great dad”).

    In a quiet moment about 6 months ago, I heard the words “You deserve more” and I heard a strong “Leave”. The words get stronger as time goes by. I haven’t left yet, but I know in my heart that I’ve thrown away too many years of my life waiting for a man who has no intention of honoring our marriage the way it deserves. I grow stronger every day knowing that I’m moving in the right direction as I prepare for the transition to life without him. My self-esteem is returning and I know that I deserve more than a life lived emotionally alone. I’ll be okay and my kids will be stronger as a result.

    I know I’ll shock the world when I finally make the announcement. But you know what? No one knows what happens inside the marriage of someone else. Everyone who thinks we’re a true couple, who sees a nearly 20 year marriage and thinks it’s strong? They’re buying into whatever I’ve told them… the lies that I’ve been telling myself for years that pop up in Facebook statuses. My actual truth is somewhere else. It’s in the quiet that I don’t speak to many. But it’s mine and that’s all that matters. It’s time to be my own truth and do this for me.

    • Kelly….. You do deserve more sister. There is pain that keeps you stuck in pain and pain with a purpose that will bring you joy. I’m pulling for you.

    • Kelly,

      I could have typed your exact words. If you ever want to talk to someone that isn’t in your own circle, I’m a good listener.

    • I can really relate!

    • You just wrote my story (minus the kids). I hear you. I see you.

      • You wrote my story, though I have left, I tried and tried for many months after discovering the infidelity that had gone on most of my 15 year marriage, but I decided that I was worth more and deserved more. Even if that means it is just me and my children, that is already more and I am showing them what it means to be truly happy. Good luck on your journey. One day at a time, but I already feel stronger knowing that I am standing on my own two feet and that I can do this!!!

    • Have you considered not lying to everyone on FB or elsewhere?

  14. Can we make this into a shirt? Or a poster? Or paint it on a wall? “The Next Right Thing, One Thing At A Time- Will Bring You All the Way Home.”

  15. I was the poster child for “take him back”. A friend told a friend to call me when found out her husband was cheating and I told her my story and told her to listen to herself because there are people that will judge you either way but I had to judge myself every night when I went to sleep. One year later I called her for help when I found out the one I took back was unfaithful again. Her strength and friendship was paramount in my next decision to leave. I left a crappy marriage that I could not fight for both of us to save and gained a best friend. Win win.

  16. Does a Warrior go? Yes. Does a Warrior go back? Yes. Does a Warrior stay? Yes. Does a Warrior get left? Yes. Does a Warrior say “Enough”? Yes. I realize I can put my face right the heck on THAT poster!( I’ll put initials, for now.)
    Because God is a living God, the Voice is living, all-seeing, all-knowing, deliberating, brooding, working out all possible scenarios and guiding us into the BEST one for our ALIVE, right now, life!
    Why when we are alone and quieted does the Voice of God indwell and guide so tenderly and succinctly? Because that’s intimacy. God has us all to Himself, then. God wants us to know we are loved on purpose.
    And Jesus didn’t die to save marriages. He died to save people. People save marriages. Marriage is not eternal. Marriage is Holy and Sacred and if it’s not kept pure, or it is voilated and brutalized, then it can die…simple as that.

    • I stayed for ten additional years for a total of 23 years. I asked
      Him to leave 3 years ago and it’s been incredible. I never realized how
      deadened I had become. My two children are adults now and doing well
      It hadn’t been easy, going to therapy has been awakening, but I’m determined not to repeat my past mistakes. The pain and grief I have experienced have been completely worth it, because I am willing to work to keep myself whole and happy. I’m the only person it can control, “they” are not in charge of our happiness, we must love ourselves enough to leave. For the sake of our children, to teach them that it’s not ok to be treated that way. Your their shining example of what a loving relationship should look like, beware of what your teaching your children.

  17. Soaking this one up. I agree, I understand. Soaking it up.

  18. Oh, Glennon – remember those “nuggets” you mentioned a while back – after 36 years and 3.5 years of recovery for my husband and 7 years of Al-Anon for me – I am still waiting – still waiting for anything to grow in our marriage. I continue to Be still and try To know. There are no feelings left – none, except for my love for him as another child of God. It hurts so much to have no one to listen to me or have a safe place to land. I know I play a part in all of this too… I want to honor God … it is just so hard…

    • Oh Anna,
      Your reply went straight to my heart. This expresses how I feel in my current state of marriage. Broken with nothing left. Not an ounce of love left…nothing. His choice is to use medication, mine is to rip off the layers and start deep healing. Very very hard to live this way. Waiting…but feeling that this isn’t where I’m supposed to be any longer. I want life.

  19. “The Next Right Thing, One Thing At A Time- Will Bring You All the Way Home.”

    Thank you!
    Thank you!
    Thank you!!!!!!!!!

  20. My husband and I have been separated for quite a while now. He wants a divorce but has not filed yet. I do not want to divorce. I am praying everyday, several times a day for the restoration of my marriage. With God everything is possible. My inner voice is the voice of God. My friends don’t agree with me and tell me to move on. My real friends tell me to pray to find the right answer for myself. So I will keep on praying.
    Also I cannot believe there are women out there without moral going after married men, wether separated or not. Marriage is sacred. Women need more boundaries. We need to be there for each other not caused pain to each other.
    Blessings to all of you and hope you make the right choices for yourselves and not for others.

  21. Thank you.

  22. Glennon, this is so true, and we are so affected by this issue in our lives, particularly as women I think – because our sense of responsibility (for our kids, or even for an abusive partner who claims to ‘need’ our love) might be in conflict with our sense of what is Right for Us.

    And also, as you point out, because sometimes reclaiming what is Right for Us eventually leads us to find love again – within the same relationship, transformed in a way we could not have hoped if we had surrendered to our feelings of not being worth it, or in another.

  23. That was perfect…. And then I read all the comments and can’t stop crying. It is complete hell to be stuck in the back and forth – divorce, keep trying, or keep waiting. The process of divorce seems so rigorous and painful (for me and for my girls) and that is what’s kept me accepting crap for so long, too long. I’m afraid and that’s really what it comes down to. I just realized this after reading all the posts. I’m afraid and feel paralyzed. My loved ones are supportive once I move forward with divorce, I have a career and can support myself and my girls, but I’m still scared and trying to figure out what is the next right thing.

    • You have already chosen the “next right thing”. You just need to have the faith to follow through. Once you have the faith you will feel like a giant burden has been lifted from you. I struggled for years because I got married “forever” but he didn’t treat me the way he should have, didn’t respect me or our marriage or our family. After 21 years I decided I didn’t want to waste 21 more years. It was the best decision of my life. Do I still have moments of “wishful” thinking”? Yes, but I know in my heart and soul the best thing I could have done for myself and for my children was to leave.

    • Jenn, take as much time as you need to listen to your inner voice.

  24. Gosh, there are A LOT of Sara’s that are Monkees! I have been sitting in these moments of “Being Still” for almost 3 years now. I call it a holding pattern. My counselor says “when you don’t know, you do nothing”. So, I hold and I do nothing. I just pray daily for strength and direction to stay or go. In the meantime, we are separated and co-parenting and spend quite a bit of time together. How long do I hold? I suppose as long as something is revealed. This is super hard, especially with the kiddos. I don’t even try to explain it to anyone b/c everyone thinks I/we are crazy. They have no idea what this feels like every day. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. It’s heart breaking. I just don’t know.

    • Your last 4 sentences say you know. No one is expected to live with those kinds of emotion 24/7. Where are peace and joy on your list? That’s what your children need to know you are feeling. Time to heal you for them. =^.^=

    • more people, women, need to learn to do this. you are brave.

      • Thank you, Sara. It must be the name. :) I don’t feel brave most days but then sometimes I get a build up of figuring out what makes me happy and that’s a process too. I certainly have put my kids at the forefront and do not need to muddy the water with anyone else or any other problems. So, I will keep waiting and be still until I have the courage to make that desision and then move ahead with stength and confidence. I find much of that here in this blog. Until then, I will hold and pray and hope. I love you Monkees!

    • Sara (from STL), I too am in a “holding pattern”-separated for a year and a half, co-parenting and spending a lot of time together with our almost 5 year old son. I’ve found that I actually haven’t found a way to heal my anger and resentment and can honestly say that I don’t know what’s the right decision and what’s the wrong decision. I love what your counselor says “when you don’t know, you wait”. That is what I’ve been doing despite pressure from my FIL to make a decision (which in my opinion is quite insensitive but he is a whole new can of worms) and that’s what I’ll continue to do. We will wait in silence until the answer is clear and there is no fear. Because that is what I need and what I believe will happen-an answer from above so loud and clear there will be no mistake. Can I pray for you, for peace and happiness? Sending you my best brave one!

    • Sara (from STL) I so understand where you are. I have been in a holding pattern for nearly 2.5 years, since my husband left. We’re still separated. Still trying to figure out what the other wants. No one understands why I haven’t just filed for divorce and moved on. (Some people don’t even know that we have separated, because he is an intensely private person and doesn’t share much with anyone.) We have three children together. It’s not as simple as everyone would like to believe it is. Each situation is different. I have refused to give up on us. He has refused to fight for us. We both love each other. We are best friends. What we are trying to figure out right now is whether or not we can be married to each other. It’s a hard row to hoe, I wish you peace and comfort. I’ve been listening to my inner voice a whole lot more the last few weeks. I’ve realized that I’ve been living with my life on pause. I’ve worried so much about his approval, about trying to prove myself worthy of his love, of trying to prove to him that we are worth fighting for. I’ve forgotten that I need to love myself first. That I need to fight to find myself again. I will do as you, continue to be still and listen.

  25. Thank you for your eloquent words! I found out 2 months ago, my husband had an affair starting while I was 9 months pregnant and ending when our son was 3 months old. We also have a 5 year old daughter. The biggest thing I learned is to trust that small quiet voice and to surrender trying to control my husband. It is actually quiet liberating. I have gone to therapy and found it extreamly helpful, especially to deal with the anger I had towards him. I also found out I’m much stronger than I thought. He has yet to go to therapy but that voice tells me to wait. You are all a group of strong amazing women, I’m so glad I clicked on this link tonight. Hugs and love to you all.

  26. Everyday I have to go to that place and decide to stay of go. My husband has been involved with 2 other married women. He is still in love with one of them and compares me to her everyday. We are together but after years of neglect and ambivalence toward me, I feel cheated. Also I wonder how our sisters are so willing to involve themselves with other sisters husbands. We aren’t suppose to hurt our sisters and their kids. I know life is messy and cheaters lie but I would never try to move in on a taken spouse. The pain of even trying to recover from a sexual or emotional affair is excruciating. I can’t trust and therefore have to decide stay or go every day. I feel like I have been a perennial constant and supportive and he is an annual replanting near and far new every year( 2 years into finding out).

  27. Thank you G for your validation. The next right thing is not the same for everyone. My ex and I have chosen a very unconventional way to deal with our separation. Without going into detail on the demise of our marriage, we now live separately in the same house, raising our two teenagers, caring for elderly parents, and my partner has moved in also. We chose not to divide our circle but to enlarge it. Most people think we are crazy but that is ok. It is working. Not everyday is easy but our motto is “Life is hard. Not because we are doing it wrong but just because life is hard.” (Thanks G for that too) Sit with the quiet until you can find what is right for you. What people think about me and my choices is none of my business. Not everyone will be supportive and that’s ok. It’s not easy but it is ok. When you put all your people on a blanket and then give it a good shake, it’s the ones who cling on that matter.

    • “When you put all your people on a blanket and then give it a good shake, it’s the ones who cling on that matter.”

      I love this description, Krissie. I’ve learned this lesson in recent years. Having a few close people who really love and genuinely like you is priceless treasure. Glad you found a solution that best suits your family. That is all that matters.

    • ““When you put all your people on a blanket and then give it a good shake, it’s the ones who cling on that matter.”

      Can I get this stitched onto a throw pillow?

  28. I love how when we have a realisation, that understanding is everywhere you look. I was just writing to a friend today that we can only do that very thing in front of us, and when we have done that thing, we must do the next thing. And so on. We must turn off the voices, however well meaning, and listen to our voice. That will tell us what is right for us. For my partner of 14 years and I, our perennial relationship is kept alive by living separately. It is like a miracle for us. We love each other, we parent together – and then we go home. Where we miss each other but enjoy our own company. Thus doesn’t work for everyone, but I couldn’t care less. it works for us.

  29. My husband did the absolutely unthinkable thing. He is now in jail, and I have no idea how to “do this” now. I am trying to navigate the emotions and very real situations of single mom hood again. All I can do is the next right step. Thank you. I need to hear that it doesn’t all have to be planned today.

    • Rae, I am not sure exactly what the unthinkable is, but I was married to someone who was in jail for 10 years for a murder he committed as a teenager (I met him after he got out). Against the odds and because of the support of his family he came out a better person than when he went in. He had and still has lots of issues from being in jail for so long at such a formative age. Although we are no longer together, partly because of those issues we had a beautiful daughter together (who passed away from cancer when she was 6 two years ago) and I am proud of him continuing to hold down a job and contribute to society. Not sure if this has any bearing on your situation or not. You may find leaving is the best thing for you but still support him in other ways.

    • My husband went to prison 8 years ago (for the rest of his life), leaving me with our 2 young kids. My kids and I have survived by the grace of God and by always embracing the truth– about how this JUST SUCKS but their father still loves them even though he did something bad. And the three of us always, always, try to tell the truth about our feelings on this subject when we talk about him to each other. I’ve fed them as much about the situation as appropriate for their age. Good luck, Rae, you can do it!

  30. incredible analogy. Beautiful words as always. Thank you

  31. Thank you for the image of the perennials and the annuals… that is a beautiful image for reflection and prayer and it helps with the pain of this gardening work.
    I’m still in the “terrified-to-be-completely-silent” phase…. I can handle a few brief moments of the quiet and keep thinking I’m just hearing “wait”… “wait”… “wait”…
    But I’m honest enough to admit that I won’t let myself be quiet for too long after I hear the “wait” because I’m not sure I’m ready to know which type of flowers were planted. It’s still too hard to get out of the life-long mindset that I would only ever plant perennials.
    Working hard to get over the fear. Thank you for your wisdom.

  32. YES! Brilliantly said.

  33. My sister wrote that post-it on the left (I recognize her handwriting AND her message). I pray for her and her husband all the time: that they fight hard and fight fair and fight successfully and keep fighting for what they want. I am divorced, and while I am living in my new life and have a relatively peaceful relationship with my ex-husband, I can still see and feel damage laying all around me. My kids are doing great 98% of the time, but that 2% feels like everything sometimes. If anyone has a minute to lift Gretchen, Jake and Andrew up today, I know she will feel stronger. xo

  34. I just found out my husband is having an affair.

    • So sorry to hear it. Sending you love.

    • i just found out a few months ago, too. It’s a nightmare, isn’t it? I pray you’re husband will come to his senses (because the fantasy relationship he’s in right now isn’t going to last) and at least try with you. I read a few good books, After the Affair, and also My Husband’s Affair Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (religious). They gave me some direction and made me feel a little more normal in all the initial craziness, including appropriate boundaries and expectations.

    • Devastating ! Crushing! I’m so sorry

  35. I am so thankful you wrote this. Honestly, because I’ve seen such the opposite. I’ve had friends who stay who look at me with judgement because I left. In fact, I got all nervous when you began to post about this because I was afraid it would be a standard “Fighting for your marriage is ALWAYS the best choice” and would bring up the shame that others have tried to heap upon my head. For me, leaving abuse was the right, brave choice. For you, staying in your marriage and fighting for beauty was the right choice. Thank you 10000000 times over for acknowledging both! Carry on, brave sister.

  36. Its really nice to know that I’m not the only wife that has ever dealt with these decisions.I am thankful that my husband and worked and are still working things out…but it did and does take time and quiet and looking within to find not only what you really want but what you need. And that’s not easy…but is worth it.

  37. I so needed to read this today. We’ve struggled for years. Our youngest child – who is almost 7 now – was an ooops. A cute ooops, but not planned. We are cordial, but more roommates. There are days that I think he wants me to just say that I want a divorce, but I won’t, because he’ll fight me tooth and nail for the kids. I refuse to leave my kids.

    I want to love him again, but he makes it hard. He’s not the man I married – though he’d blame it on me. I just keep trying to do the “next right thing” while at the same time preparing myself, just in case. I go back to work full-time this fall – with benefits – so if he leaves, I can at least support us, albeit very minimally.

    This just sucks. Royally. I want my kids to see how to love someone and how a healthy relationship should be. I hope that they learn anyway.

    • Hi Leslie,
      I am praying for you and your precious family. I don’t know if you are religious at all, but I am and I totally relate to the worry about how my kids relate to the crappy parts of life around them. My favourite Bible verse right now, that I try desperately to hang onto and actually believe is 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'”

      God’s grace is sufficient for me and it is also always sufficient for my kids. They will learn good things and bad things from us as their parents, really there’s not much we can do to change that, but God’s grace will be sufficient in all the places we are not. In fact his power will be made PERFECT in the places we are weak. So maybe, I’m still wrestling this part out, but maybe the places that I fail as a parent are the places where God can and does work most powerfully in my kids’ lives. Maybe those places are the most valuable to how my kids develop into adults, maybe those places of pain, and fear, and disappointment can bring out the greatest new life and hope and fulfilment in God’s hands.

      I truly hope your family can find peace and hope no matter what the outcome of this set of circumstances brings to you.

      With love,
      Andrea

      • Andrea – Your comments about God’s grace were just beautiful. I hope that you are OK if I share your thoughts with others. I love how you said that God’s grace will be sufficient in all the places we are not. His power will be made PERFECT in the places we are weak. Such a beautiful idea to reflect on. I really got a lot from what you said. Thanks. -Lisa

      • Andrea, thank you. I am a believer. The verse I hang on to with all my strength is Isaiah 40:31 – For those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall walk and not grow weary, they shall run and not grow faint, they shall soar on wings as eagles. “.

        Each day, I try to focus on the next right thing. And prayer. Lots of prayer.

      • Andrea, that was beautiful. Thank you.

      • Andrea, thank you. I have struggled the most with how my kids think, feel, react, grow up, etc., etc. It’s overwhelming. I need to remember that God shows up for them every time, especially where their Dad and I can’t.

    • Leslie- I could of written this though our youngest is only almost 3. You hae described out relationship exactly. Roommates. I work part time but am also going back to school so that I will be able I support our children if I ever needed to. I also won’t leave my children and know that I would be in for a hell of a fight. Hugs and prayers to you sister all we can do is keep warrioring on and taking one step at a time.

    • I just want to tell you that my 20-year old daughter is dating a young man whose parents divorced when he was a preschooler. Recently I met his dad, and this man told me how he has spent years thinking that his kids would not know a good relationship because of all the negative stuff they saw between their parents. He was so relieved and happy to see that his son and my daughter are loving, happy, and good to (and for) each other. Not marrying them off this young, but it is possible to figure it out even if Mom and Dad did not.

  38. Ah…listening for God’s voice in us. He always finds a way to give us Clear Direction.

    • Yes. That’s what/Who it is… “Be still, & know that I am God.”

      After 15 yrs, and with this approach for all that time, the love I receive from my Husband is sufficient for me, when I know, without God in my life, it wouldn’t be.

      We are not all the same, so, of course outcomes will always differ from one person to the next, but if we all applied that ‘be still & quiet’ theory, so marvellously expressed in the post, at least we’d all know peace because of who we are…

  39. Brillant. Truly.

  40. I totally agree. When I was facing staying or leaving decisions…I knew 1 thing for sure..I was not going to live my life ‘by proxy’. I needed to get quiet and really think it through for myself. I did have one confidant and that was a very good thing, but this friend is a very non judgmental person, so that worked out for me. Good article. Hope people understand this message truly.

  41. This is so good. Quiet is very hard, and I steered clear of quiet for a long time. Because it meant I had to be real. I had to be me. I had to face my emotions, which were terrifying. I despised going to church because I had to be really real there, and it was too hard. But when I did allow the quiet, I was reminded of how much I love me and how okay I am being me and loving me and I was able to have more confidence in what I wanted and what I felt were the right things to do. What I wanted and what I felt was right were not always the same thing, and sometimes they were. Through it all I was able to navigate a journey and find a way to get through things and maintain the integrity of me, so I have no regrets!

  42. Thank you for this. I needed to hear this today.

  43. I read you blog often and love it. I often want to reply but never have. Until now. This is right on. Beautifully said. I will keep this for all the times friends ask me “what should I do?” There is no single right answer for anyone. This is the truest advice I could ever think of. Thank you for sharing.

    • I read everything Glennon writes and am humbled by the simple (honest) wisdom in her blogs but like you, I don’t usually respond. I’m in the fortunate position of having a strong, healthy and loving marriage (40 years) but this post resonates with me for other areas of my life. So so so true- we need stillness and quiet to listen to our inner selves.
      (And I know when I’ve been brave enough to comment it felt good to have it acknowledged). Thanks Amie, I will also be mindful of this when others ask for my advice.

  44. Thank you, G. These words are freeing and empowering and put the responsibility in my lap instead of looking for someone else to tell me what to do.

  45. …some loves are annuals some are perennials…and you don’t know which one you’re going to get…
    Also, I have a confession to make: when that still, small Voice nudged me to visit Momastery, I was in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office with my son. I saw an article in a magazine and “Momastery.com”. I THOUGHT the title of the blog meant Mom-Mastery…someone who had mastered motherhood. (Imagine my surprise and relief.)
    Though I am never lonely because I can live in my own introved head just fine, that still, small Voice wanted me to know I was not alone…Momastery is where I laughed for the first time since “The Day it all Fell Apart”…where I learned to navigate on a computer proficiently because there was love waiting for me here. And I logged on and got an email and learned to cut and paste and send links. I bought copies of Carry On Warrior and gave them away. Signs of New Life. Tender shoots and leaves and branches and fruit. The next right thing is to say “thank you for carrying on and listening to that still, small Voice, Glennon.”

    • I thought that too, about the name! My SIL sent me link and said she thought I would like it, and I wrote her back that she was nuts, cuz I wasn’t the master of anything, least of all motherhood. :)

  46. Love it so much!!!

    My friend Lenore once said, some relationships last 3 minutes, some 3 days, 3 years, etc.

    I find I am challenged to accept the length they are given, when I have other ideas about what they should be! :) But this is just another practice for me…receiving my angels, but also letting them go!!! :)

  47. I am torn as to what to do with my marriage. We have always gotten along well but we are like roommates. We have not been intimate in years and frankly, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten how to do it! He hasn’t cheated on me nor have I cheated on him. There’s just not much there to hold us together except our 2 teen-age girls. I have been staying in this marriage for our girls…I’m so afraid that if we split up it would be detrimental to them. No one would think we are contemplating divorce as to all we seem to get along pretty well….I’m afraid to be alone and I don’t have any desire to start fresh with some one new. But I also don’t want to stay in a withering marriage….I am turning 50 next year and just feeling very alone. I don’t share my feelings about this with anyone. We tried counseling many years ago but we didn’t really put any effort into it. Now, I fell like we need to at least try to make things better and more intimate between us before we decide to definitely split. Thanks for providing me a space to share my feelings where I feel safe and not judged…

  48. Thank you, Glennon. As always, you have reached strait into the deepest part of my soul and given me exactly what I needed….support and belief that only I know what’s best for me and my daughter. No matter how well intentioned my parents and friends are, they don’t have the answer that’s right for me and mine. Thank you for giving me the confidence to trust myself…I really needed that. Sometimes trusting yourself is the hardest of all…especially when the rest of the world is shouting, it’s hard to be still and listen. So, thank you.

  49. G,
    I’ve had both types of marriages. Love the way you wrote it! My first marriage definitely made the earth richer for me to know to fight for my marriage with my current husband and make it the best WE can be! XOXO for your eloquent and TRUE words!!

  50. Thank you, Glennon. Thank you for this. I just divorced my husband of 18 years. I don’t want anyone to think what I did is the right thing to do, or the wrong thing to do. It was the right thing for me to do at this time in my life. I tried as hard as I could as long as I could until I just couldn’t anymore. But their Next Right Thing was not my Next Right Thing.

  51. I’m in the midst of fighting for my marriage. My husband is in recovery (8 months sober now) and it baffles me every day that this is something to fight about. I really thought once the drinking stopped the behavior would stop, but he’s spent the past 8 months clinging to his selfish and self centered ways despite his insistence that he wants to make our marriage work. I am scared that he is just this person now, that the loving and considerate man I married died the same day his dad died (that was when the drinking got noticeable).

    Every day I’m so CONFUSED. I don’t think there is a voice in me that knows the real answer for me. I don’t think I have that inner compass. There is only fear and what-ifs and more fear. So, when you say look for the next right thing, this makes sense to me. The next right thing for me, right now, is prepare for my middle daughter’s birthday party today and go to marriage counseling on Monday. That’s it. That’s ALL I have to do right now.

    Thank you.

    • My heart wants you to know that your doing it:). You have to surrender the need to control your husband and make it ok. Do the thing that is the next right thing for you. And be brutally honest with yourself. Brutally. Once the substance is not the coping strategy, a new, healthy one has to take its place, and that’s not something you can’t control, but you can set boundaries on how you will accept to be treated and need to follow through. It is how I have finally felt as if I have moved towards healing and growth,even years after my husband went through “treatment”. Treatment is only a very small part of the beginning of recovery, although an important one:) Namaste!

    • hello, AB. My husband wasn’t an alcoholic or drug addict but he was on a prescribed ADD medicine that was controlling his life. It made him depressed, he lost his job and I was ready to take our 3 kids and figure life out on our own. He entered inpatient rehab for depression last August. I am recently falling in love with him again. Living the life he lived for so long made an imbalance in his personality. When he returned he was on cloud nine. That only last a month. He became ill all the time, didn’t want to do anything fun, lost all desire for things he once liked to do, had headaches and slept alot, and I just didn’t like him anymore.
      He is now on several different medications and seeing a psychiatrist. He is FINALLY becoming the man of my dreams!
      With this being said, maybe your husband needs more time and an appointment with a doctor,which means you would have to wait some more (which honestly SUCKS!!!) Why should we have to wait for someone to get better when we’ve put so much work in already!!!
      I pray things work out the best for you and your family.

  52. So appropriate for me right now, this year has been a tough one for me, after finding out my husband was cheating on me with a much younger woman who was also married, we agreed to go to therapy and fight for our marriage, after 4 months of me fighting like hell, I found out he was still seeing her (found actual pictures of them having sex!). I finally asked him to leave he is moving into an apartment at the end of the month. I still struggle with what to do, he says he wants to try to prove yo me that he loves me that he doesn’t want to lose his family (we have 2 children), I am torn I have been lied to, cheated on, and disrespected, at this point I just feel like I need time away from him, to be separated to really process what has happened and to figure out what I truly want. I love my husband, I wish it were that easy to just turn off your love for someone, but I also hate him for hurting me and our family, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him ever again, TORN that is how I feel. My hopes are that I can take this time apart, use the QUIET to really find out what I want. I always thought I knew what I’d do if my husband cheated (LEAVE HIM) but boy it is so much harder when it actually happens, it’s not so black and white when it becomes your reality. I just continue to have hope and faith that God will lead me down the right path, the path that will lead me back to happiness, the path that will allow me to live the life I deserve!

    • Oh, lady… I’m feeling so much for you right now. When I read your words, I felt their pain but also your strength. I’ve just written “Sister CJ” on a post-it stuck next to my computer. Each time I glance at it, I will take a moment to hold space for you in my heart, and I will hope that you can feel that you are not alone.

    • I too thought my answer would be LEAVE, but in that terrible moment things become a lot more muddled. I had friends and family who looked at me like I had grown three heads when I decided to stay and fight especially once it was revealed that my husband had fathered a child with his affair partner (a former school friend). And even though it’s been almost four years and another child for us, I still have to choose everyday and he knows it. I don’t know if staying will always be the answer but I have learned so much about myself by becoming a truth teller. I am not defined by my husband’s failings.
      Take your time and learn how you feel! I will be praying for all of us.

  53. thank you from someone who has been there too. Whereas my result was different the need for quiet was not and it was uncomfortable sometimes but I sat next to it and dwelled – and love was found again.

    Now I need to remind myself that being in the quiet space with parenting is a needed thing.

    thank you for writing what and as you do,

  54. Yes! I was in this position four years ago. After counseling (couple snd individual), marriage retreats, support groups, reading, and consulting with everyone I could think of who had also been there, I realized that the pain and confusion and fear of making the choice was almost too much to bear. So I found a cabin in the woods, wrote out the name of everyone I had spoken to and every book I had read – each on a separate card. I put the cards in an envelope, sealed it, stuck it in the corner and said, “thank you for caring about me and for your perspectives. Now I need you to be silent.” I spent the next three days completely isolated from anyone. I walked in the woods, prayed, journaled and meditated. My answer came to me pretty clearly once I stopped listening to all of the “experts” and started listening to me: I knew it was time to end my marriage. While the consequences and pain were enormous, I never regretted it because I knew it was precisely the right thing. And we all (my ex, my son and me) survived – and are even thriving. For me, I think that’s due in large part to the fact that through the pain, I found my voice.

    • Anna,

      What a brilliant way to honor other voices but find your own as well.

      • Hi Anna,
        I am a recipient of clarity in the silence, as well. It was in the form of Truth I just could’t have seen and needed to see…it was time for me to SEE. I am still waiting for a stronger voice. Mine is still shakey and sputtery and I always just want to go home and be silent. Maddening.

    • Anna…this is wonderful. Thank you.

  55. “Some loves are perennials-they survive the winter and bloom again. Some are annuals- beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the Earth to create richer soil for the new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.”

    Girl, YASS! This could not possibly more more prefectly-stated! Thank you, as always, for you candor.

  56. Love this. I’ve done both: ended it with first husband. Stayed and made it amazing with number 2. Both right.

    And do the next right thing is genius. I will share with my college students.

  57. I’m in the midst of this dizzy circle…coping with betrayal and anger outbursts from the man I pledged my life to 15 years ago. Three babies, a home, memories we’ve built together…the storm is fierce and feels unrelenting. Run for my life or stay firmly planted until the wind settles?

    Be still. Put one foot ahead of the other and focus on the next right thing…for me, for them, for him.

    I am the child of divorce and it hurts. As an adult, it hurts more.

    These steps are heavy.

    • Right there with you. That’s what makes my decision so hard as well. I am the child of divorce, and I watched my parents give up on one another and our family. That is probably why I have such an intense drive to try, try, try and I am wearing down fast. Blessings to you.

    • I am not the child of divorce, but parents whose love was not necessarily loving, which led to betrayal in later years. Now I feel I am teaching that to my children(not betrayal), do I stay or go? Which is better? Sorry your confusion & heartache, I am I’m such a similar situation.

  58. That is the most amazing advice! My Daddy has always taught me that if I don’t know “what to do” to “just be still and the answer will come”. In this world of “right now” that is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I’ve had to put this advice to the test last year with my marriage and then again this year with my oldest daughter. In my marriage I had to do what felt right to me no matter what friends and aquaintances were telling me (luckily family was telling me to follow what felt right to me).

  59. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this.
    This really hit home with me, too.
    “You answer to no one but yourself in the quiet.”— that’s something my kids need to learn…too many opinions about my choices and my life in general. Somehow they think they are uniquely qualified to dictate to me how and who i should love. And then when they don’t like my choice, they emotionally blackmail me, and hold my grandkids as the prize I don’t get to see if I don’t follow their demands.
    They need to read this. Pronto.

  60. I love this. I am a firm believer in “til death do us part,” but there are some things that can’t be fixed, and some things that can’t be fixed by only one person showing up, and things that don’t manifest themselves until after you’re married. Life is complicated; marriages are unique. And NO ONE needs to stay in a marriage where there is violence, when “til death” takes on a whole different meaning.

    Going on 29 years with my husband but only a year and a half with G, I’m still working on learning how to be still and “do the next right thing.”

  61. You don’t know how this really really hit me. Last spring, my husband and I separated and reading your spiel about you and Craig hit home…after 5 months of living apart, we decided that we wanted to fight for our marriage. I turned off all social media – deactivated Facebook, put my blog on private, and listened to me and what I wanted, especially what was best for our family and children. After the time apart, I realized that I loved my husband and wanted to fix us. Last night (YES, LAST NIGHT so this post couldn’t have been at a better time), I found out that his bad habits have reared their ugly head again and this was the final straw for me. This morning, I asked him to move out.

    • I’m sorry, Donna. This can’t be easy, even if it is the right thing. God bless you as you move forward with your next right thing.

    • Donna,
      I admire you. I admire you for separating. I admire you for moving back in together and fighting. And I admire you for knowing what your “final straw” was and standing up for it. No matter what your next step is, you have a lot of women out here who admire you and will stand with you.
      Sherri

    • Donna,
      I am sending you love and strength this morning as you do The Next Right Thing. My heart aches with you as I have dealt with my own marriage since last spring as well. I applaud your own strength this morning to trust yourself (as I do I applaud your past strength to try again.) I will be thinking of you all day and the days that follow.

      • Thank you all for your kind words. I look at my young daughter (2 years old) and think “I do not wish this for you…” and tell myself that they are the strength to either fight or stop the cycle. It’s been a battle for the past twelve years and not an easy one…I don’t know what lies ahead, I just know that in the words of G, “Carry On, Warrior.”

  62. I always read your blog, and I always feel like it speaks to me. But this one, at this time, hits the hardest. After 3 years of fighting for my marriage with all that I have, I filed for divorce this week. I know I have given it my all. I know I am not a failure. And I know the next right thing to do is stand up and stop being taken advantage of. Stop allowing my heart to be broken week after week after week. Start showing my daughters and son that Mommy deserves to be loved, even if it is self love. Thank you for sharing your life with us Glennon. It certainly helps me to feel a lot less alone.

  63. Well said. Thank you.

  64. I felt this very thing a couple of nights ago when I decided to drastically cut my hair. To most people that probably isn’t a big thing but for me it represents a world of decisions that I am often to scared to make without seeking the opinions of others. Those opinions that often vary so wildly from what I think should happen. So this time I just listened to myself and I went and did it without telling anyone outside my husband and kids and I’m thrilled with it. I’m sure there will be those who don’t care for it, but it’s done and therefore their opinions won’t change my mind for once. It’s a small step, but in many ways it’s also a big one. :)

  65. Love it. Although I think you reversed annuals & perennials… ;)

  66. Quiet scares me…that seems to be the hard thing I fight…

    I’m not married. I’m not separated. I’m just me. But I still needed the reminder, in my stage of life being a part-time grad student, full time employee, full time sister-soon-to-be-aunt, friend trying to make time for her circle, and follower of Christ trying to find a church that she fits into, that I can’t do it all and i can’t do it all right. So, I will just do the next right thing. One thing at a time.

  67. YES.

  68. Sent this post to a friend this morning. I think she’s been afraid to tell me that she and her husband are going to reconcile after months of divorce talk. I want her to know that I’ll support her no matter what. I just want her to do the Next Right Thing for her.

    • This makes me so happy to read Rikki! It’s wonderful when we know that our friends are there for us, no matter what we do. Sister On, girlfriend!!

    • Did the same thing to my friend this a.m. Told her, either way, I’ll support her and be with her.

  69. “Some loves are perennials-they survive the winter and bloom again. Some are annuals- beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the Earth to create richer soil for the new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.”

    I LOVE this quote! It makes me feel so content.

  70. Perfect. For several years now, and starting in a very difficult but survivable (!) part of my life, my meditation has been “Be still, I am.” Thank you for being who you are, Glennon.

  71. I believe this came to my attention at just the right time. My husband and I are separated and I struggle every day with what I’m supposed to do and many times make decisions from my emotions which are all over the place with having a new baby. Before I make my next move I will take this advice.

  72. For me, of all you have written, which has resonated so deeply, this is what speaks to me at my core.

    Your voice is truly a gift I am thankful for.

    Namaste

  73. When I first got sober 20 years ago, I had a wonderful sponsor who taught me this. When I would call her in a complete tizzy, she would always say, “Do the next right thing.” Literally, one tiny thing at a time. I would stop and ask myself what I needed to do next. Take a shower, shave my legs, take a nap, iron clothes, whatever. One small step at a time. That’s all I did. And it is worked for me for 20 years.

  74. This came at exactly the right moment. I’ve struggled and struggled with the stay/go question for months and months. And everyone around me says, “Go, go, go, go…” Logic says, “Go, go, go, go…” but the stillness says… “Wait…” Thank you for this. Because I need this.

    • I’m right there with you, Gwynne. No one gets a vote on the decision but you who live it… and the hardest part for me was figuring out who was actually speaking when I heard “Go, go, go…” Friends? Family? Society? Or really me? Wait is the perfect next thing until I figure that out in the stillness. xoxo

    • I have been in the same situation for many years. I’m so glad I listen to the stillness and waited. My husband is finally working on his part. I have been working on myself for a long time. I think he sees how much I have changed and it inspired him. My friends and family thought I was nuts, but now they are very supportive.

  75. Amen, Warrior! :)

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