May 202013
 

I might have an update for you about Craig and me.  Actually, maybe you can think of this post as less about Craig and me specifically, and more about what I’ve noticed during the past few months about marriage.

Since many of you are new here, (WELCOME HOME!) here’s our drive-by story-

We were a happy-ish, good enough family. I was the woohooo! one and Craig was the steady one. That worked for me. Then one day Craig told me some shocking News, and I learned that he was actually WOOHOO! too. So I had to be the steady one. I lost every single pretty idea I had about what marriage was supposed to look like, feel like, and stand for. I resented the living hell out of Craig for all of this.

We separated.

During those months it felt like the universe was revealing information to me a little bit at a time and I was responding the best I could. The universe was kind  to reveal things slowly. When I didn’t know what to do, I’d remind myself that “more will be revealed.” If I didn’t know what to do, it was just that I didn’t have all the necessary information yet. Like all BIG DECISIONS –  I didn’t really make any. Sometimes it feels like the BIG DECISIONS make themselves and we just have to wait to see how things unfold. This total loss of control is both a relief and disastrous.

One day, a couple of months after our separation, I knew it was time to reunite. I knew as certainly  as I knew when it was time to leave.

So we reunited. It was not a romantic reunion.

To me, I felt more like I was surrendering to something than making a bold decision. I certainly wasn’t surrendering to Craig. Maybe I was surrendering to the transformational power of committed love? No, I never thought I could change Craig or that he could change me. I suppose I was surrendering to hard work and hope. So it was a warrior’s surrender.

You know –this whole process has felt a lot like getting sober, actually. People don’t tell you that things are going to SUCK before they get better. So folks get sober and they feel like they’ve been duped. DRUNK WAS BETTER! DRUNK WAS BETTER! This hurts too much!! I’m so uncomfortable!! That’s how it feels, for a long time,  when two people are picking up the pieces of a busted up marriage.

After we reunited, everything sucked. I felt nothing, nothing, nothing except for jealousy towards every single couple on Earth who seemed to trust each other, enjoy each other’s company, and understand why they were married to each other. But I promised myself I’d just keep showing up. I did not force myself to smile or fake a damn thing. I just promised myself I’d show up and be honest. I’d be kind and brave. I’d do the next right thing.

Be kind and brave, Glennon – even when you’re afraid. Just do the next right thing, Glennon –  even when you’re really, really tired.

On the days I felt full of doubt (all the days) I forced myself to think about how marriages are living things – like trees –  and  how all living things are subject to the changes that seasons bring. How the most beautiful blossoming tree could be mistaken for dead-as-a-door-nail in the winter. But if you can stand the wait – and if you keep showing up to water that tree and if you keep a little faith even on the iciest days – that sucker might just bloom again. It might even be beautiful again.

Maybe.

I’m not sure what’s going on in my marriage these days, but I’m writing this essay because I think I might be seeing my first blossoms.

I left for a trip last week and when I opened up our minivan door at the airport – this is what I saw.

 

And I FELT something swelling up. It felt like hope.

And then when I got home, I found these little love notes hidden all around my room.

 

 

 

And I felt something that felt like love.

Is it possible that the barren ground is giving way to spring?

Maybe it’s a new season for us. Maybe.

 

Love.

 

P.S.  Just as I refused to be the poster child for Leaving, I also refuse to be the poster child for Staying. Life and relationships are complicated and messy and when we try to tidy them up with advice or generalizations- we offend, alienate and leave folks feeling misunderstood and alone. My only advice is this-

Drown out the external noise. Wait for the universe to reveal enough evidence to draw a conclusion. Be Still and Know. Wait for that teeny little nugget of Truth to arise- you know that nugget. It’s often the quietest but deepest voice inside us that insists we have to go even though staying is more comfortable or the one that requires us to stay when we’d prefer, at the moment,  to run for the hills.  Listen to your truthiest truth. Your truthiest truth sounds more like Love and Courage than Fear. Don’t ignore it. Don’t be afraid. Trust. 

God won’t invite us anywhere God’s not already waiting.

 

Love again.



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  242 Responses to “Seasons”

  1. […] 3. Happily Ever After is not a thing. We are all trained by Disney to believe that the wedding is the finish line, but the wedding is just another starting line. In light of this fact, we should quit the huge, fancy, debt-inducing weddings. When I asked my parents to help pay for my wedding, they said they’d give me a little bit and then if Craig and I made it to our ten-year anniversary, they’d give us some more to throw a big party. “That’s the time to celebrate,” they said. My parents were right.* Celebrate after hard work, not before. Young people: marry simply, start your life, and party later. Think of how much babysitting for your future colicky baby you could buy with that wedding budget. Think of how much marriage therapy you could buy. Invest in your marriage, not your wedding. Spending all your money on a wedding and leaving nothing for marriage is as irresponsible as foregoing health insurance for your baby so that you can throw her a kick-ass birthday party. It’s as backwards as circling the stadium with your arms in the air — waiting for applause — before you start the race. Sweat a little, then celebrate. And don’t forget the good news/bad news: there is no finish line. Marriage starts over again every.single.day. […]

  2. I just read this (after reading your piece that was in HuffPo– holla!), and I loved it. My husband and I didn’t actually separate, but we were very close and it was all very sad and full of tears and yelling and not getting out of bed. In short, it was horrible but it got better. Lots of counseling. Lots of trying to work on growing personally. Just lots. And now I feel like I love him. And this post reminded me of all that.

  3. Hello,
    I’ve never posted here but heard about your book and stopped by. You have no idea how much I relate to this post. I meet with my counselor on Wednesday and was struggling with how to describe my marriage now with my husband husband after our separation last year. Barren is exactly it. It just feels so dead. So dead. But I feel like I need to stay. We have a little boy. I was reading your post and knew exactly what you were talking about. Those pictures you took of the notes he left for you made me start sobbing crying. Glimmers of hope. I’m praying for you and your family.
    Angie

  4. your words could be my words about where I am right now with my marriage. although, I am still in that place where I cannot ever imagine it ever getting better, that I will ever feel love for my husband again ~ we are on very barren ground. it is so painful trying to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage and I constantly wonder how I will ever get through living in this marriage ~ that yes, is different from all of those people who seem, at some level, to have gotten it right ~ who are each other’s best friends and have no difficulty emoting to the world that they cannot imagine living life without their spouse. that is not me, that was never me and revealing that truth to my husband was devastating for both of us, I felt so at peace finally telling him. not sure where we go from here and, as you mentioned, waiting for God to reveal the next step takes patience and so, I do what you have done ~ I show up, I do the next right thing, I do not pretend we are perfect or that we are this couple who has it all together, and I work at being as honest as I can with where we are with our marriage. I can completely relate to where you feel you are ~ I am still waiting for hope to be revealed in some way because I just do not see it happening in a way that keeps us together.
    thank you for sharing your story ~ I can relate to where you are coming from.

  5. I have never posted here before but have been a faithful reader for months and really enjoyed your book. This weekend, my husband to me his NEWS. He had been having an affair for the past year, and had a one night stand two years ago. He couldn’t go on anymore with the lie and assumed our marriage was over because I’d always said that that was my worst fear. It turns out it wasn’t. My instinct was to fight. Fight for our marriage and our family. To make the long story short we talked A LOT all weekend, lots of tears, lots of revelations, and we are committed to fighting for our marriage. He ended the affair yesterday but she is a co-worker so that is messy. I know there is hard work ahead. I am both terrified and hopeful. Thank you for writing and making women like me know that we are not alone and that we can do hard things.

    • Hang on Sara, if that is the desire of your heart….hang on. My husband and I are reconciled for three years now ( I was even served divorce papers)… Has it been easy? No, but it has been well worth it. We are happy and each day is a step towards a better marriage then before.

      • Thank you so much Silvia! I cannot believe how much has happened over this past week. He ended the affair, has asked to change jobs so that he’s moved out of the office area they work in, has quit the sports team they played on together which he was the coach/manager of, and we have had long, deep talks every night once the kids are in bed. He wants to stay. I want him to stay. We know there is a lot ahead of us but we are both feeling very positive.

        • oh Sara….that is wonderful news!!!!!!Please know that there is a mountain you are about to climb…..and it is worth every step…every tear…every sore muscle…just to get to the other side. I promise you, if you are both willing, there is the other side. My husband and I are closer than we were when we first married and certainly more than right before the affair. Do I still contemplate murder now and then…honestly I do. But the spaces of those relapsing thoughts are getting farther and farther apart. There are times his affair rears its ugly head….but I do not beat myself up over it and I know that I know that I am making progress …even if it is to learn to fall in love with myself more and more each day

  6. awesome! thanks for being so real!

  7. Oh, I just knew that van full of pirates picture was magical the first time I saw it.

  8. “It’s often the quietest but deepest voice inside us that insists we have to go even though staying is more comfortable or the one that requires us to stay when we’d prefer, at the moment, to run for the hills. Listen to your truthiest truth. Your truthiest truth sounds more like Love and Courage than Fear. Don’t ignore it. Don’t be afraid. Trust.

    God won’t invite us anywhere God’s not already waiting.”

    Love it. Love you. Praying for your hope to spring eternally.

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  10. Hi Glennon,
    You should check out this great quote about Marriage from David Whyte (gifted poet and writer) which was recently posted on his FB page. You and I have similar reading lists, and I think you would love his work. – Jessica
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=658308460861827&set=a.213444315348246.68208.213407562018588&type=1&theater

  11. Oh, I LOVE this. Those little notes are, in my humble opinion, about the most romantic thing EVER. xox

  12. glennon, you are awesome. i loved this post.

    because i’m a stalker, i went back and read the very first post you ever posted on momastery. i don’t know when you last read it yourself, or how much of it you still consider to be true, but 3 of them stood out to me and i thought i’d paste them here in case you find them encouraging. sometimes i find re-reading my old stuff encouraging and/or insightful. i hope you don’t think that’s presumptuous of me.

    here they are:

    12. Craig is the only human being who could have healed me. We are opposites in many ways, but we want and love the exact same things. I have chosen never to stop falling in love with him, and I’m more grateful that he has made the same choice than for anything else. I am also comforted by the fact that he is contractually obligated to love me, and that without me, he could never, ever find his shoes.

    20. Some mornings Craig and I meet for coffee at the kitchen table before the kids are up, and read the Bible and talk about Jesus. This is my favorite way to start a day.

    25. I was never truly happy a full day in my life before I met Craig, and since I met him I don’t think I’ve ever spent a full day unhappy. I find that both pathetic and perfect.

  13. It’s such a hard one. I stayed and stayed, and left, and came back, and stayed, and then had to leave again. All along I tried so hard to look for the right thing, for the truth, for the bravery, for the depths of love and forgiveness and courage I wasn’t at all sure I’d find. I found them, and was amazed, although in the end it wasn’t enough.

    I still feel strange about it. On the one hand I am so proud of how hard I tried, still awed by the openness and love I discovered I was capable of, and on the other hand I can’t believe how long I put up with what I put up with, when in the end none of that love or courage or devotion was of any value or interest to him.

    I still don’t know if I made the right choices at all, ever, in that time. I thought I was motivated by love and not fear, at the time, though now it seems like it was the other way around. It’s confusing and hard to understand. Now that it’s all over, I’m moving forward to much better things, and still trying to figure out what I should have learned from all that’s passed.

    It does look like there are two people in your marriage, though, both of you present, and both of you trying. I have so much love and admiration for you. I’m wishing you every blessing.

  14. First, just want to say I’m NOT the same “Jackie” that made an awful comment earlier.

    I am on my 2nd marriage and know all too well how much work is required to stay in a marriage, nevermind to keep it a “good” and “happy” marriage. I’ve come to learn that often couples that LOOK so happy and connected are often pretending for public appearances. Don’t get me wrong – I know there really are truly happy and connected couples out there also, but I’ve had to teach myself to ignore what I see on the surface of other relationships, because you really never know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? Another couple’s “happiness” might not make you so happy, as each couple defines what is happy for themselves.
    In sharing my own marriage problems, I found out from 3 of my close girlfriends whom I thought had “perfect” marriages that THEY were all in marriage counselling!
    I’m glad you see hope, Glennon. I think that is the most important aspect of keeping a marriage together. A marriage counsellor once told me that she can work with couples that hate each other because hate can be transformed, but apathy is the indication of relationship death. So, hope is far better than apathy!
    Keep doing what you’re doing. You give us all hope, Glennon.

  15. I just finished reading your book yesterday, so this is the first time I have read your blog. I love that you don’t advocate throwing everything away in your marriage because you hit one bad spot.

  16. Thank you for this.
    I have never read your blog before, but my wife loves it. I don’t know if ‘The Next Right Thing’ is a theme, but it really makes sense and I will do my best to keep it in mind. I wish it wasn’t so easy to forget that the other person is hurting too, and kindness was the default when things are hard.
    It helps to know we’re not alone.
    Thanks again.

  17. As someone married for 30 years I have to say, there is an ebb and a flow to every marriage. No person is 100% happy all the time and so how can you make someone else happy? The hard times make the sweet times even sweeter. I always tell my 2 (grown) boys that they were a gift from God, but that I picked their Dad and he chose me. We have always felt it was important to make that THE most important relationship. The boys are now going on with their lives and I still look at my husband and think he is one of the best people I know. Even when he is on my very last nerve as I sure I get on his. Even when he is messy, crabby or snarky because he will (very soon) have to deal with my menopause, which I hear can be crazy!
    No one knows what goes on in your heart and your marriage and as long as both are truly committed, most differences can be worked out or will pass.
    Just my 2 cents, but no one was ever happy by sweating and worrying about every little thing in their lives.

  18. Glennon,

    Marriages–relationships–are work, even on a good day. Though those times aren’t so exhausting… Add in News and Incidents and Crises and that work can feel like torture.

    In trying to piece together the tattered pieces of my marriage, I recently learned about attachment injury. http://thefivefacets.blogspot.com/2013/04/addressing-attachment-injury.html

    Then there’s the uplifting feeling when you find love in the little things, like those notes…and that fleeting feeling of excitement when you think of your partner, the one that presents itself in the midst of the pain…

    I’m happy not to pin you on my wall, for we all have to come to our own conclusions in our own way…some will go, and some will stay…

    Hugs and healing, G…

  19. Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts and insights…and for pointing out that we are all different and must face our unique challenges as ourselves, and not as anyone else, with God’s help. My marriage had many ups and downs. We faced challenges we never imagined when we made our vows before God, family and friends. So we prayed, we talked, we went to separate corners to think and pray and think, and then talk some more. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I realize that no one has the perfect marriage outside of some work of fiction. What was true was our love for each other and our family – and our commitment to work hard on our marriage. I won’t impose my desires on what I hope your outcome will be. I will continue to pray for you and all of us that God will give us the strength, compassion, insight, understanding and patience to move forward on our path.

  20. My first time to visit your blog via “Single Dad Laughing” and I cried through it… I wish I had the guts to be this honest. This was exactly what I needed to read today, since I’m at a place of being very disheartened and confused about whether it’s right to reunite with my husband after a 5 month separation. Looking for the truthiest truth inside of me.

  21. This really hit home with me. I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for nearly 13.
    We really take the commitment aspect seriously, however, we have had so many dynamics change. I don’t even recognize him as the man I fell in love with. He has no sense of enthusiasm, no zest for life, he’s a blank wall. The only thing we have in common is our daughter, which if I am honest, is the only reason I stay. (And I know that’s the “right” thing to do.) We don’t fight, but we don’t “love”. We co-exist. I don’t think he even realizes there is a “real” issue other than the fact that we have no time for each other. He gets home from work just in time to put our daughter to bed, and we both go to sleep early since we wake very early.
    I fantasize about being on my own. I would rather be alone and “lonely” than married and lonely, which is much worse. I know I would crush him if I asked for a separation, in addition, I don’t know where he would stay, as we cannot afford another place. I honestly don’t even know how I truly feel. Would I miss him? Would I realize that yes, there IS still love? I love him. I know that, but I have no passion for him. I’m not attracted to him. Just listening to him chew makes me want to throw something.
    Life is too short. I am jealous of couples who share passions, who do things together, who have FUN. He acts like he’s 90.
    I am thinking about going to a couple’s counselor solo at first, just to try to get a grip on what my true feelings ARE. I don’t want to hurt my husband if my feelings are fleeting and I am just confused.
    Where does one start?
    I have told him before that I am not happy. Our conversations never go anywhere, because he blames our schedules and lack of time for each other. I don’t even desire alone time with him. I’d rather me with my daughter.
    Ugh. And the thing is, those around us would think I am crazy. He is “perfect”, but they don’t see how our life really is. He has made me into the most uptight person when he’s around. I am not like that otherwise.
    And now I realize I am babbling and this post makes no sense.
    Arrgh!

    • Counseling can do wonders in helping you have clarity. It sounds like you’re living in no mans land, and I know that is a terrible and lonely place to be. I’m so sorry.

    • your story sounds much like mine….sorry.

    • Oh. My. Gosh. I could have written your comment word for word. Except for the fact that I DID speak up a couple months ago – which caught my husband off guard even though he admitted he was aware of the issues and still never would have initiated the conversation – and it’s been kind of living hell ever since. We went to a therapist, who immediately picked up on my husband’s underlying issues. Unfortunately, he won’t deal with things on his own…doesn’t seem to see how his issues are part of the problem.

      Anyway, you’re not alone. I’m totally right there with you. I can’t stay and I can’t go. I don’t want to bust up my family (we have two kids, ages 10 & 7), lose my home, make a life-altering mistake, struggle for the rest of my life, be lonely, etc, etc, etc. The “what ifs” are killing me and I’m completely paralyzed by all this.

    • Counseling can bring so much clarity, anon, and as Dr. Phil (love him or hate him) says “If what you’re doing ain’t workin’ for ya, do somethin’ else.” (something like that…)

      Depending on your insurance, you can do both, individual counseling and then couple’s therapy, it just has to be filed separately, one under your name and one under his…

      Counseling aside, I recently realized within my own relationship an import piece of the puzzle: Can’t versus Don’t Want To… http://thefivefacets.blogspot.com/2013/02/cant-versus-dont-want-to.html

      We have choices. MANY choices. But sometimes we confuse those two feelings, we believe we can’t do something, when in essence we simply don’t want to. In other words, you’re staying with your husband, not because of your daughter as you tell yourself, but because you are choosing to. Why? Is the real question. Money. Family. Work. Homes. Those are all VALID concerns that should be addressed, yes, but ultimately, you are staying together because you choose it.

      That was one of the most important discussions I had with my counselor after my husband’s second affair. My therapist said to me, “He is staying with you because he WANTS to. If he’d wanted to really be with her, then he’d have left you.” So, the work then became addressing the root of his self-destructive actions…

      Oh, and the food chewing?! Sometimes it makes me want to throw something at him! Seriously! Sometimes I think the neighbors can hear him. ;) So happy to know I’m not alone…

      Hugs and healing, Journeyer…

    • thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate it. We went to his therapist a few years ago, when our child was a year old.

      I do need some clarity, big time. I came across a journal last night that we had started as a couple. We would each write an entry, whenever we felt like it. There was so much love there that it gave me hope. We truly do not talk or communicate anymore and that def has to change.
      Thank you all again..it’s nice to hear from others who are having the same feelings.

  22. Oh G, I have been living a parallel life to yours, except our BIG NEWS has been almost 10 years ago, and it was mine to deliver. Over the past decade, things got better, then worse, then even worser ( yeah, I know that’s not a word) and the past year has been pretty much torturous. Just last week, we decided to try AGAIN. I am scared, I want to love wholeheartedly again, I want to be “married to my best friend” just like all those other cheesy posts on facebook say everybody else is. I want to thank you for writing this post, because I, too, feel like I might be seeing little buds growing, and your post confirms that I’m not crazy. They are there, and one day (I don’t even know when that might be) I might have a big beautiful tree full of blossoms. I will be happy for the buds for now. Thanks agian, friend.

  23. Well, this may be one of the most beautiful posts on marriage I’ve ever seen. As someone whose Truthiest Truth told me I needed to go, messages like this are so needed. Thank you!

  24. I love your update! Thanks for sharing your little moments with us as you begin to notice feelings changing. Hope is a wonderful thing!

  25. As always, Glennon, your honesty is refreshing, freeing and full of hope. Couples preparing to get married should read this and the comments thread here. In my experience, marriage is a journey that goes through many different types of terrain – some dull and not worth stopping to look at for too long, the occasional terrifying edge of the cliff experience but also truly breathtaking landscapes. As I write, I think this is also true of parenting. Maybe it’s just true of learning to love properly. Thanks for being brave and sharing it all. I think it heals us all a little bit.x

  26. I personally think the entire break up was contrived for more readership and the timing was right around your book realease. Hmmmm..

    • Jackie,

      I was tempted to not even dignify this with a response, but I couldn’t let it go. What is the point of you posting this comment? I am asking mostly not out of anger, honest curiosity. To make yourself feel better? To stir the pot? To prove that “you didn’t drink the Kool Aid”?

      Not sure if you’ve been around this community for very long but part of what we do here is tell our truths and disagree, and we do it as kindly as we can. Generally, snarky comments are not welcome.

      I don’t know Craig so I have no idea what was going on for him, but as a friend of Glennon’s, I can guarantee that this shit was not contrived nor intentionally timed, at least not by her.

      All of which I say to again ask…what exactly was your point?

      -Jaime

    • Sounds like you may be in your own “winter of your discontent”. If you are skeptical of the message, purpose, or intent of the blog, then perhaps just stop reading. Your mean-spirited comment suggests that maybe YOU are seeking a readership of your own. Start your own blog, post your own truth, and wait to see what comments arrive.

      Criticism is constructive and provides room for growth; cynicism is accompanied by shame and blame. Not sure either of these (shame and blame) belong here.

    • There isn’t much that you couldn’t think of a conspiracy for. If you choose to view life that way, you’ll probably find it. But just remember, it’s a choice.

    • I met Glennon recently…we shared a moment together, I heard her speak twice and answer questions from the audience, and we were in a small group session together. And, bonus!, I got to meet Sister and Sister’s baby. Just want you to know that she, and Sister, are as real as it gets and that she would NEVER do this in a million years.

  27. Dearest Glennon-

    I think this is the first time I’ve commented on your blog. I’ve been reading it for months now, after gratefully discovering it. Your honest process about your life, and other people’s lives, has been so wonderful to be a part of. I thank you from the deepest part of me for being who you truly are, scabs and all, and always speaking your truth, no matter the judgmental repercussions. It is one of the most brave displays I’ve ever seen, and you are such an inspiration to so many people in the world. How many amazing ways have you touched us?

    I shared your blog with my twin sister (my lobster!! :-) and she contacted Jaime and Laura (moms of Simon) to reach out and offer them a stay at her vacation home in Tahoe. My sister Ali has two girls, Tatum and Charlotte. Tatum, 6 years old, was born with a rare liver disease called Biliary Atresia. Here is the explaination Ali sent Jaime:

    “My daughter, Tatum, had a massive stroke at three weeks old. At the time, Brenton and I had no idea what was happening. After being care flighted to UC Davis from South Lake Tahoe (where we live) we were brought in on suspicion that we were “shaking baby” parents because babies don’t have spontaneous brain bleeds. Tatum was lucky to survive the brain surgery and after nights of seizures and brain swelling we discussed options to not resuscitate as we did not know how much brain capacity she had left. She awoke and we began the journey of discovering if she could breath and swallow on her own. She could! She did! We then found out she had a disease called Biliary Atresia which essentially attacks babies’ biliary ducts, scars them over and creates liver cirrhosis. All kids who have Biliary Atresia will eventually need a liver transplant, it’s only a matter of when. Tatum had her’s at age 4, two years ago this last April. She is a new kid, truly born again. She is healthy and energetic and in Kindergarten. She, like Simon, had developmental delays but she miraculously caught up at around 3 years old. She lost half her right brain from the stroke but with countless hours of therapies and guided work, she is doing better than we could have dreamed possible.”

    Anyway, Jaime got back and they are in communication. I think it is so necessary that people feel connected and understood by others that have gone through similar struggles. My sister wants to develop a website with the purpose of connecting parents struggling with the challenges of raising children with health issues. Thank you so much for being the catalyst in this connection between Jaime and Ali.

    Wow, I could write all day and still not express all of my appreciation and the multiple ways you’ve touched me. But one more thing I wanted to say was your post this week was particularly poignant (although what post isn’t for me- I’m a mother of a three year old and very much relate to your mom-specific posts- they are so great and hilarious). My husband and I have been together for 13 years. He is an amazing person, and I feel so lucky to have him as my life partner. That said, I’m struggling right now to find passion and the life-energy that used to feel so strong in our connection. I feel truly concerned, and am pursuing therapy for us. But thank you so much for making me feel normal and not alone. I’m very hard on myself and my confusing feelings, and your honesty gave me the feeling as if a cool and cleansing breeze just swept through my soul. I want to be with him, but things aren’t great right now. But you are so right, you just have to keep feeding the tree and know that the seasons change and bring unforeseen shifts. I will hold onto that analogy for a long time.

    Know that you are admired, loved and accepted by so many people. You have done so much good in having this blog. I will keep reading and keep being inspired by your courage.

    Thanks Glennon

    • Hi Kerry!

      *waving*

      So happy to have “met” your lobster via the magical internet. I so hope we will all get to meet in real life.

    • Also, go you for being pro-active in noticing that things were getting stagnant and doing something. Someone once said to me, “sometimes love just takes a nap”. It’s so true. Laura and I will have been together for 11 years (tomorrow!) and part of how we’ve made it so long is a) realizing that sometimes things just lull and b) stay hooked in enough to notice when the buds are growing so we’re ready to go when the bloom cycle starts again. It’s hard work!

      • Jamie,

        I absolutely adore and love this: “sometimes love just takes a nap.”

        That is one of the most profound and sage statements I’ve heard in a long time… Thank you for thinking to share it! Sometimes love does take a nap, just like the trees who slumber, only to bloom after a much needed, rejuvinating rest…

        Continued best to you, Laura, and Simon… I am so glad I found you all via your blog…

        Hugs and healing…

      • Hi Jaime!

        Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and reach out. I really appreciate your perspective and wise words. You are so right. Sometimes love lulls. I love my husband SO MUCH and I so want to be ready when the bloom cycle starts. I’m also really trying to look at all of the ways I can kick start that on my end. Yes, it’s hard work. And hard to look at yourself. But I’m very proud of us and what we’ve created and I’m willing to work my arse off.

        I watched a few of the videos posted of you and Laura and I felt so moved, inspired, filled with love and hope with your reading of your thank you to your wife. These are the ways we water the tree, and it was beautiful to watch. Thanks for sharing it.

        Having been at most of the long hospital stays with Brenton and Ali during Tatum’s surgeries, I have seen how crippling the grief and fear of loosing a child can be to the human spirit. Not only have I been lucky enough to witness Ali and Brenton’s process, but other families of very sick children as well. I can’t say I’ve been through it, because although I love Tatum like she’s my own, she is still not my child. But I’ve been witness to a lot. I think these experiences either tear people apart or make them closer. I know with Ali and Brenton, they have grown closer. That’s not to say they haven’t been affected negatively by the stress, but they are very good to each other. You and Laura seem that way. Life threw you a huge challenge and you’ve risen to meet it. Thanks for showing us how it’s done.

        I really do hope we can all meet up. I live in Bishop, near Mammoth, on the east side of the Sierras (not far from Yosemite). We come up to Tahoe quite frequently. But know that you are always welcome to stay with us if you are ever on the Eastside. I know Soren (my son) and Simon would do some serious fun-making together. This is a really beautiful part of California, if you’ve never visited it’s worth a trip! I know it’s probably hard to get away, but our arms are open to you.

        Lets stay in touch! Also, if you ever need any graphics work that’s what we do. I would love to donate anything, anytime, to help you guys (Simon fundraiser? Happy to do invites!).

        http://www.nilsdavisdesign.com

        Love,

        Keri

  28. Yay!!

  29. Hi Glennon,

    I’ve never commented before and (honestly) I haven’t been following your blog for very long at all! But I simply loved what you said in the postscript about how you wouldn’t be the poster child for staying, just as you weren’t for leaving. I really appreciate and respect that you acknowledge that each situation is different instead of making your own experience a formula for everyone else! More people need to be able to do that!!

    Sincerely,
    Callie

  30. G, it is uncanny to read your post when my husband and I are going to our second counseling session this afternoon. I am also reading a book called “The Four Seasons of Marriage.” My husband and I have been working on thawing out the cold and nurturing our own Spring.

    I have hope. Much hope. But going though this can often feel so lonely and isolating, and I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me to read your experiences. It’s like having a friend who understands what I’m going through, even though we are thousands of miles away and you don’t know me. But we are connected.

    That’s what this is all about.

    Thank you.

  31. I Love you G ! I seriously feel like you are one of my very best friends(weird since i’ve never met you:) you make me feel normal in a life full of craziness, my parenting style is a kind of go with the flow and add laughter kind of thing. You, my dear, help me daily. Sometimes when i think im going to break i run to my phone, pull up your blog and run, no sprint into the bathroom and lock myself away until i read AT LEAST one of your entries, i laugh, feel a little bit more sane then go out and face my two “Angels”. I stumbled across your blog about six months ago and I feel BLESSED to read you!

  32. Beautiful!! Beautiful!! And MORE Beautiful!!! Thank you a million times for sharing this and giving hope to more people than you could ever imagine. Beautiful things *can* rise from the ashes. Continued prayers for you and craig and your beautiful family! Love wins! It doesn’t always look the same…but it *always* wins!!!

  33. Hi Glennon!
    I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I feel like I need to say how much you speak directly to me. I am 26 and am 7 weeks sober today. My sister (who is my best friend) sent me Carry On Warrior the day I decided to get clean. (More accurately put; the day I decided I couldn’t take one more day of me anymore) I went to my first (and second, and third) meeting that day, and then ugly cried while reading “Day One” in your book. Thank you. Thank you for sharing, because God needed you to so you could help me. And you have. My God, you have! I have two little girls, and a husband who (after our separation) I’m having a hard time getting back in the groove of things, and yet again, you have spoken directly to my heart and made me ugly cry yet again! :) Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, and please don’t ever stop sharing, because your sharing has been one of my strengths to help me to keep showing up and to do the next right thing.
    Thank you!
    God Bless,
    Kelli Luis

    • Congrats on 7 weeks Kelli!

    • Kelli,

      So many times I’ve read this blog and sometimes the comments, relating here and there and wondering what makes a monkey? How do I know if I’m in? I mean I show up…I bought the book…but do I get a letter in the mail or something?

      I’m 39, married, and have two little girls. I just glanced at your post and although I don’t have any experience about what you’ve accomplished in your sobriety I just wanted to say YEAH KELLI! And the second I thought that in my head, I knew I was a monkee.

      Keep up the good work, sister!

  34. Beautiful. I think that no matter what stage a marriage is in, these written words resonate deep. Marriage most definitely does not stop and and stay eternally blissful when we say “I do”, that’s when real marriage begins… in the thick of it all. Thank you for your words about not making big decisions. My huband and I are in the midst of big decisions, big changes in our lives, and I am waiting patiently for the puzzle pieces to all be revealed, and I figure by that time, the big decision will be small. Love you!

  35. You give me hope. Hope. There is hope.

  36. Amen, dear Glennon. Speak. Listen.
    Let the Spirit guide each step, each messy, hard, blossoming, hope-full step.

    I wish you nothing but everything that you need, today, tomorrow, and always.

  37. I love it when you talk about truthiest truths.

    If you would do a video of you saying this stuff, I could pretend that we were having coffee together.

  38. Glennon you are such an inspiration!!!! Relationships are hard!!! I love “be brave, kind and wait for that small nugget of truth!!! To leave even when staying is more comfortable.” You are right, life is Brutiful. I prefer the beautiful part but there is no denying the brutal!!!! I am reading your book right now and happened upon your blog. I look forward to reading more! I wish I felt as though I could be as honest about my life as you are about yours!

  39. Glennon,
    I am overwhelmed by this post. My husband and I were separated for a time, for many reasons but mainly because of my infidelity and alcohol addiction. Thank you for putting yourself out there, warts and all. I am so happy that I had the chance to meet you at TEDx in Traverse City. You were my favorite speaker.

  40. Just so very glad to hear this.

  41. Loved this post…LOVE that you felt hope. And in some weird way, I fell in love with everyone ALL over again when you opened that van door. Here’s to hope and the blossoms of something.

  42. Amazing. Amazing is what you are. And what this is. How many times do you hear the words “I needed this so desperately today”? Well here it is again: I needed this, Glennon. I needed a bold reminder to trust God. He’s working through you and I am SO grateful for Him and for you!!!

  43. I’m confused by your crediting “the universe” for so many things. What does that even mean? Why would you not give credit to God?

    • I know you asked Glennon for her response and I hope she’ll give it. But if you’ll be open to another interpretation of ‘universe’ I’ve found this one works for me: I believe God is everywhere and created everything but built in to all that is the power and choice of the human being. We live in a place that is the sum of divine power and human choices: God’s design + humans’ choices = the universe. So many things happen in my life that are not only due to God’s divine power but also the decisions of other human beings to do or not do something, either one time or over and over again. Saying universe acknowledges the human factor of this brutiful world we live in. Thanks for letting me share.

    • I agree- as Christians the Universe does not apply to us- either God is our Father, the Creator, the Author of our Faith and His Holy Spirit in us reveals truth, or we are following a different God. Reading the book, I see that there are some parts of the Bible Glennon believes, not all of it, which concerns any true follower of Jesus. Praying that Jesus will reveal who He truly is and God will get all the glory since this is why God created us, to bring Glory to Himself.

      • In saying this, I find your honesty refreshing, your writing humorous, and am very sorry to hear about this hard time in your marriage. I pray it will be strengthened and love will shine through and God will get all the glory in this as well through this platform.

    • I appreciate that she uses the language “the universe”. It makes her writing more accessible to people like me. As a non-religious, non-Christian person who believes in some sort of higher power, the word God often jangles my nerves and brings up images of people thumping bibles and wagging fingers and judging others for not doing exactly what their holy books say.

      I think she is giving credit to God- she’s just calling it something different. As an outsider, I’d say her being way into Jesus is what makes her a Christian, not the specific names she uses to refer to the higher power she believes in. To me, using “universe” instead of “God” doesn’t make her any less of a Christian. They’re just words. It may make her a slightly different flavor of Christian than you are, but to me, you are both united in your belief in and love of Jesus and the belief that he’s the savior.

      At least that’s how I understand Christianity, but I acknowledge that as an agnostic lesbian married to a Jew and raised by an athiest and a pagan, I could be a little off on my understanding of what makes someone a Christian…

      • well put! I think Glennon’s last line sums up the underlying belief in the post – that God is waiting for you to accept the invitation. As a regular reader, I’m never confused about where God fits into the story being told here.

  44. Your P.S. reminded me of this bit of wisdom from long ago:

    “Art thou in the Darkness? Mind it not, for if thou dost it will feed thee more. But stand still, and act not, and wait in patience, Till Light arises out of Darkness and leads thee.”

    - James Nayler (1659)

    (“Light” in this context would have been understood by Nayler as being of Divine origin.)

  45. Beautiful Glennon. Every bit of it. Brutiful actually. I think I say in every one of my comments about how brave I think you are. It is BRAVE to keep showing up. It is also BRAVE to leave. You are a BRAVE, BRAVE Warrior no matter what. xxxx

  46. My favorite moment was when m husband left a bunch of fun size butterfingers in our bed when he went on a business trip. When you have to fight hard for your marriage-it becomes real and valuable:) I get it. I also like what you wrote about not condemning people for leaving or staying.
    Jana @ 333 Days of Hand Lettering

  47. Oh, how I know that jealousy of every couple who looks happy. Two people I see in my car rearview mirror who are smiling at one another must have a perfect relationship and be the couple whose marriage really is like “having a sleepover with your best friend every night”. Sure he would never…

    My husband and I and our daughters probably like the All American Family. How many times, I wonder, has someone looked at us and felt jealousy of our “perfect” marriage, even as each of us had an eye on the exit sign?

    Sometimes what holds us together is commitment to our vows. Sometimes it’s the kids. Sometimes it’s purely logistical/financial. And sometimes, in the sweet seasons, it’s a feeling that God called us here to heal one another in ways that only we could.

  48. I think I love the “swiper sticker” from Dora that is used to hold the sweet note the most!

    Swiper no swiper, Swiper no swiper, Ohhhhhh Man!”

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