Feb 132013
 

This morning feels like starting over, in every brutal and beautiful way.

So after I got the kids off to school, I sat my kitchen table thinking about other times I’ve started something new. And  I looked back at the first post I ever wrote for this blog.

Do you remember, years ago, when folks were writing “25 Things About Me” lists and posting them on Facebook? When I saw that people were doing that, I decided to write my own list. So without really reading anyone else’s lists, I wrote mine during Chase’s nap time and I posted it.

And THEN I read my friend’s lists. And I thought, OH. CRAP.

Because, for example, here was MY #5 –  5. I am a recovering alcoholic and bulimic. 7 years sober…so in many ways I’m actually 7 years old. Sometimes I miss excess booze and food, in the same indescribable way you can miss someone who abused you and repeatedly left you for dead.

And here was my best friend’s #5 – 5. My favorite game is Bunco!

And so I panicked because I realized pretty quickly that I’d done it wrong. That we weren’t supposed to get that personal. And so I tried to delete my list but  I couldn’t. It was already OUT THERE.  So I turned off my computer and vowed to never, ever turn it on again for the rest of my whole entire life.

But of course that night, with one eye open and trembling hands, I did check Facebook. And I saw that my inbox was full.  Full of messages from friends and acquaintances thanking me for putting it all out there.  I read people’s stories that they’d written and sent to me well into the night, until my eyes started crossing from exhaustion, actually.

And that night I decided to start writing. I decided that maybe it was something the world needed that I could actually do.

And here we are.

So anyway, I thought today might be the PERFECT day to review and update my “25 Things About Me.”  My old 2008 answers are in bold and my new 2013 answers are in italics.

Thanks for hanging with a sister, friends.

Love, G

1. I believe in grace because I share my home with proof of its existence.

Still true, but I’ve learned that I share the whole world with proof of grace’s existence. My home is this whole world. And my family is everybody.

2. We got rid of our TV service a few months ago. The quiet is strange, but nice.

What the hell was I thinking? I have come to understand that there are things that are bad for me that I love. And no one can make me stop these things because no one is the boss of me. These things include Twizzlers, Diet Coke, chocolate, and trash TV. I know that I should not ingest these things, but at thirty six, I have finally agreed to just be how I am instead of trying, constantly, to be how I should be. About TV- I love it. I LOVE you, TV.  I get lonely, and TV makes me feel less so. And after a long day of thinking and living, I’m so tired. And I need a numbing tool. HGTV, Bravo. . . numbing tools. No thinking required. At the end of the day,  even sitcoms are too hard for me. From the hours of 8:30- 9:30 what I really need is something that requires nothing of me. My TV will be taken from me again out of my cold, dead hands.

3. I have no idea how I survived the first three years of my life without my sister. It seems as impossible as living without lungs.

I can’t even address this one right now. These days, she’s breathing for me.

4. I published a book a while back, and I want to write a second, more personal one. But I’m having trouble getting started, because I’m afraid everything I write will be wrong, or self-serving, or immature.

I did it. I wrote my book. I don’t know if my book is right, but I know it’s not wrong. It’s probably a little self-serving and a little immature.  But it’s also others-serving and mature. Like each and every person –  it’s a lot of things at once. I’m okay with that. I don’t want my book to be perfect, I just want it to be true and hopeful. Like me.

5. I am a recovering alcoholic and bulimic. 7 years sober…so in many ways I’m actually 7 years old. Sometimes I miss excess booze and food, in the same indescribable way you can miss someone who abused you and repeatedly left you for dead.

Eleven years sober. And I don’t miss booze anymore. Actually, maybe a little. Never mind. I still do. 

Food- I’m still healing. Bulimia raises its crazy head every few months or so. I panic, screw up, and then start over. It’s okay. I’m okay.

6. I am afraid of my temper like it’s some other person over whom I have no control.

Hm. I’d like to talk more about this anger issue this year. I’m wondering if what I thought was anger might have really been anxiety. Or are they the same thing? Maybe unresolved anger turns into anxiety? I don’t know. I spent some time on a serious anti- anxiety med this year and it was heaven. But then when I went off of it, it was hell. Marianne Williamson says that in all of history, now is not the time for we women to medicate our feelings away. That we are anxious and depressed for a reason, and we need to make changes in our world instead of numbing ourselves. I get that, but I don’t know. I’ve gotta believe that some of what I experience is chemical and not just circumstantial.

 I’m still on an anti-depressant…I’ve tried to live without it and my life doesn’t work. The whole world turns into a Vegas casino…I feel inundated by visual and audio stimulation and I’m just…jumpy and anxious and then really angry. It’s no good. I’m no good. So this one- not sure. I know they say that All You Need Is Love, but I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I need Love and Lexapro.

7. I believe strongly in downsizing, in simplicity. The people I respect most in the world are those who quietly choose to live with less so that others might have more. Unfortunately, I conveniently forget this daily as I drive to the mall to buy more crap. One of my most frequent and fervent prayers is that one day what I do and want will match what I respect and believe.

Um…I don’t know about this one. I agree ideologically but in real life….Well, today I’m heading to IKEA to buy some colorful crap. Crappy times call for a major lowering of one’s self- expectations.

8. I have never, ever, said the word f-a-r-t out loud.

I have. My kids say it so often now that the fart word has lost the power it had on me for the first thirty five years of my life.

Fart.

9. I am an insomniac, and a caffeine/sugar addict, and refuse to admit that they could be related.

I sleep now. I sleep. Without sleeping drugs, for the first time in my life. It’s a miracle to me, actually. I’m still a sugar addict.

10. I am a crappy Christian, which I’m pretty sure is the only honest kind. Nonetheless, I’m deeply in love with Jesus, and I think he’s wild about my crazy self too.

Yup.

11. I would finally rather be kind than cool. But both is the dream.

I’m not sure I care about being cool anymore. I think warm is better. I’m there. I’m warm. Every day I work on keeping a soft heart while developing tough skin. Hard.

12. Craig is the only human being who could have healed me. We are opposites in many ways, but we want and love the exact same things. I have chosen never to stop falling in love with him, and I’m more grateful that he has made the same choice than for anything else. I am also comforted by the fact that he is contractually obligated to love me, and that without me, he could never, ever find his shoes.

Shit. Well, no matter what happens, I consider my marriage a raving success. We’re both in better places, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than we were when we married. Our marriage made the world a better place, because we made three interesting children who I believe will make a difference – who already do, actually. Plus, during the past few months I have learned to forgive like I’ve never had to before, to Warrior On like I’ve never had to before, and I’ve learned what it feels like to offer another human being amazing grace. I’ve received it before, but never offered it. I have now. What an experience.

13. I want to like animals, but I really don’t. At all.

I love animals with every inch of my being. My dogs broke my heart open in this area. We moved to Florida this year because of my health, and I haven’t made any friends yet who live within twenty miles of my new house. So my dogs keep me company. They love me, they snuggle me, they stay with me when I’m sick and they don’t give a damn whether I write well or look good or say the right things. They just need me to show up. I love them. I just breathe them in.

14. I don’t know how to do anything in moderation. Or how to keep an even keel. I am either very high or very low.

My medication is helping a little with this, but I also think I’ll always be high and low. Usually in the same day – sometimes the same moment. Chase calls this happy/sad state of being feeling “sappy.” I’m sappy. It’s okay. A girl can be a little loopy and still move mountains. These days I’m working within my personality instead of constantly fighting against it.

15. I want to do big things for God, like adopting an orphan, but have trouble even doing little things for God, like not being a jerk.

These days, not being a jerk requires every bit of energy a sister has. Not being a jerk IS a big thing.

16. I love classrooms and children. I run a preschool where my students and I practice being patient and kind.

No more teaching for me, but it’s funny – now the whole world seems like a place to practice being patient and kind. And this blog. I feel like this blog is my classroom now. It gives me opportunities every day to be patient and open-minded and listen for the love and pain behind folks’ words.

17. I can’t listen to the first few notes of Amazing Grace without feeling like the wind’s been knocked out of me.

Still love Amazing Grace, but I’m more of a Mumford and Sons girl these days. Every song of theirs feels like a prayer. It’s almost too much for me sometimes . . .listening to them is like looking straight into the sun. It hurts it’s so bright.

18. I want more children, but most days I don’t have enough energy for the three I already have. I think I might want more babies just because I love naming them.

I do NOT want any more children.  GOOD CALL ON THAT ONE, GOD. Naming lasts nine months. Bedtime lasts for-freaking-ever.

19. I am way too confrontational. I’m working hard on offering grace to people, and ridding myself of the belief that everyone should get what he deserves, except for me.

My ego is shrinking and my compassion is growing. This is proof that the past five years have been years well spent. I believe that everyone, everyone deserves grace. It’s all or nothing, grace. Scandalous. 

20. Some mornings Craig and I meet for coffee at the kitchen table before the kids are up, and read the Bible and talk about Jesus. This is my favorite way to start a day.

Confusing to me, this one. I’ll save it for another day.

21. Years ago Craig and I vowed never to brag about ourselves or our kids to anyone other than grandparents. Keeping this promise is harder than it should be. I often find myself thinking about how amazing I am for being so humble, so there you have it.

I honestly can’t even imagine caring about this. I still don’t brag about my kids, but it seems silly to take a “stand” on it. Also, the more “stands” I take, the more life eventually slaps me upside the head and reminds me to stop taking stands and just be kind.

22. Craig thinks I torment myself and others with my tendency to analyze (judge) everyone and everything. To that I say, whatever.

I am learning to let folks be who they are. But I still have a hard time understanding unkindness for unkindness’ sake.

23. I don’t handle criticism well.

I dealt with more criticism this past year than I did in the thirty-six years preceding it, which is saying a lot, since I grew up with Bubba.  I still don’t handle criticism well, meaning that I haven’t yet learned how to keep it from hurting and throwing me into a dirty, bottomless well of self-doubt.

24. I am unable and unwilling to sustain relationships with people who talk but don’t really listen, or with people who boast. I always break up with them, regardless of gender. Again, working on #19.

I’m not sure of this one. I don’t really have a social life anymore. Kids/work/health. That’s about it. It’s okay, I know life is about seasons. I’ll let you know how I’m doing with this one as soon as I spend some real life time with real life people again.

25. I was never truly happy a full day in my life before I met Craig, and since I met him I don’t think I’ve spent a full day unhappy. I find this both pathetic and perfect.

Well, this is no longer true. I’ve spent plenty of days unhappy during the past six months. But I am happy for the girl who wrote this list five years ago. Number 25 makes me smile for her. It’s good to have and remember peaceful seasons in life, because those memories are promises that those seasons will come again. I don’t know if I believe in all happy or all sad anymore. I’m sappy. In more ways than one.

26. NEW ONE FOR 2013!

Life is hard. Not because I am doing it wrong, just because it’s hard. But I know, deep down, that it’s all a gift. Every excruciating experience – each is an invitation to walk deeper into truth, into life. And that’s what’s happening to me today. I’m growing – I can feel it. And I am going to be okay – not because of any decisions I make or don’t make, but because of the grace of God. There is no door I can open that God won’t be standing behind, waiting to usher me through.

Monkees – I am still and I know.

We are all going to be okay. We’ll get through this, and whatever else that comes our way.  Together.

I am not afraid. I was born to do this. –  Joan of Arc

LOVE.

Your G



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  237 Responses to “Begin Again”

  1. Thank you for this Glennon. You have such a gift–the ability to express your thoughts and feelings be vulnerable and share your experience in a way that makes me feel less isolated and alone. So much of this, both the “before” and “after”, (especially the parts about marriage) resonate.

  2. November 17th, 2013 was the day I decided to show up. I am a recovering heroin addict and I know I will get better. Or that’s what I keep telling myself. Like you I don’t know how to be a sober person, a friend, a truth teller, a hope spreader, or anything anymore. I don’t know how people keep friends. I don’t know what people do in their spare time. I don’t know why people feel or how they do it. With all these don’ts I have one do…I do I know is that the world is scary. And I know for sure what I go through is that said is so much scarier. The world is cold and messy and mean. But I need to be a part of it. I am 20 years old, turning 21 in four days, and I have so much to experience. I have so much to be here for. Even though I don’t know what to do I do see the light at the end. For some reason I feel a world of support from you and your words. November 17, 2013 is the I am taking off the capes and stepping out into the world. For I am not a superhero…just a little girl with a huge heart, giant demons, and the biggest will to fight. So thank you for your words, your support, and your story. I hope one day I will be enough and deserving of all the gift of life just like you. Words cannot my gratitude towards you and all you do

  3. I stumbled upon your blog today after a friend linked to your post about dentists(by the way that’s me all the way, in fact I need procedures done & my dentist is so angry with me it’s not even funny. The periodontist was starting one 2 weeks ago & got so upset by my freaking out he threw his hands up in the air and walked out. Didn’t finish. Sigh.).

    I was about to become really hesitant about the rest of the blog for my own really weird reasons, but then suddenly I realized I was prejudging you & that was wrong. THEN I actually READ everything & haven’t stopped reading you for two hours. I identify with so much of what you’ve written and gone through it’s crazy. I have massive insecurities that have recently reared at the age of 43 after the 20 + years with MS has started finally progressing. I’ve always been a writer. Always. I even have a blog I’ve neglected because I felt it was always “too” personal and serious. Also my mind hasn’t been in a good place the last few months due to the depression/anxiety/anger issues. I’ve been hesitant to go on meds because I don’t like meds period. Yet my 16 yr old has been on them since he was 5 for depression/severe anxiety, ADHD and Aspergers. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black. I know.

    Yesterday while sitting in a lawyer’s office trying to plead my case for filing disability(he said my case has legs, wish I could say the same about myself these days) my mother brought up how I should be on something for the anxiety/ personality issues coming about. Lexapro came up.

    After reading you today & your struggles & how easy it is for us to think & say one thing one year but then experience it differently therefore opening our eyes(and hearts) – we often change course on those ideals. In fact its why I’ve always tried to keep an open mind about anything. My heart though? Closed these days. A lot of times I don’t like my jealousy that’s been taking hold because of what so many other mom’s(I also have a 7 yr old) can do that I can’t. Not to mention what they can do for their kids.

    Sigh. I’m sorry for this long post. I seriously don’t know if it’s massive PMS, stress & your posts combined or maybe just your posts but I suddenly feel like I’m going to cry. I feel a little less alone in the world today.

    And I’m going to keep reading the rest of your posts, and continue you reading future ones. Not to mention, your book!

    Thanks.

  4. Gosh, I don’t even know where to start. I just randomly picked up your book at the library the other day…(I adore the library, one of my top 10 reasons I love this country…all the free books, magazines and movies a girl can handle!) Anyway, I quickly read your book, made my husband read it and then it’s the first time I’ve ever done this, but reread it again. At times, it was like you were inside of me spitting out everything I wanted to say…just far more eloquently than I ever could. It brought me laughs, it brought me tears, it provided with so many things I will pretend are my own thoughts and pass on to my children just because I’ve been searching for the words and then voila, there they were right in front of me in your book. But most of all, it brought me peace and closer to God. For this I can’t thank you enough. God’s Blessings to you Glennon. Jessica

    (And if you ever happen to be in the lovely state of Iowa, send me a note…together we could ingest all of my children’s Halloween, Easter, 4th of July, etc. candy. Oh, how happy I was to know I wasn’t the only person committing these cruel acts against my beautiful offspring!) :)

  5. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air. Thanks for authentically inspiring others.

  6. [...] is needed? Beginning again. Feeling what you feel. Telling the truth. Doing the next right thing. Connecting with real [...]

  7. This made me laugh, well up, sigh and laugh some more! I’m glad your pups have opened your heart, mine have too…although they contribute greatly to my anxiety/anger because they bark at every single noise and person. Speaking of anxiety/anger…I hope you do explore it more this year, and can you keep us posted please? I know my anxiety comes out as anger so I’d love to hear about your experiences and the experiences of others. I’m glad you finally say fart. My 13 year old had to interview us on “what makes us feel rich” and my 8 year old could only say, “my farts” which the 13 year old refused to put into her 7th grade schoolwork…so much fun/such struggle! I have also experienced giving amazing grace to another, to heal some heartbreaking struggles. You are a gift, Glennon…thank you for sharing yourself…you are changing so many lives just by being you.

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  9. I was supposed to go grocery shopping this morning. Instead I spent 3 hours reading your blog posts and neglecting my 2-year-old (who has sensed my distraction and is currently running around in a diaper and playing with DVDs. Oops). I just have to tell you that I’m pretty sure we are the same person and the only reason you’re older than me is because sometime soon someone invents internet time travel that allows you (me) to write from the future. I can think of no other explanation for just having read my own thoughts. The more I read, the more I felt like MY heart would explode because all of the jumbled up, noisy, all-over-the-place feelings in my head were written out in black and white. I feel okay now. Thank you for that.

    PS- I was totally kidding about the internet time travel thing. I promise I’m not crazy. Okay, I promise I’m not delusional. Whether or not I’m crazy is debatable. Either way, thank you again.

  10. [...] only scratched the surface on her blog, but I relate to a lot of what she writes about.  (Like this list, you can guess which numbers in particular.)  It’s refreshing to have someone talk openly [...]

  11. A friend recently emailed me the link to your blog, and today I read for the first time. Your Top 25 list was the first thing to pop up, and as i read I felt like I had found a twin soul. You are amazing!

  12. I found this printed by a computer a work. I pick it up and started reading but most of all started healing. My bestfriend had told me about your blog but it takes me time to get out of my way and see the big picture…. When I stumbled upon it two nights ago, I knew my heart was ready to listen. I am sure you can understand that. I seem to understand things differently when I listen with my heart instead of my mind. I have abused diet pills for years. I have abused food for years. I had a husband who also had secrets that in the end was my way out. I have abused myself physically and mentally. I am secret free today. I take ownership of my choices. I am glad I am weathered because it has made me ME! As for the husband, well we have a daughter who is amazing. We work together for the good off her. I have healed but it takes time. Your healing will come just give it time while you soldier on my sister.

  13. I am catching up on your blog tonight, and it is like a breath of fresh air.

    This post was like seeing growth happen instantaneously. Many of us have observed this happening over months and years. But when you put the two lists right next to each other… wow! It’s kind of like how we observe our own children growing in small, every-day ways. But when other people see our kids after months or years, the change is remarkable.

    I think this is true for ourselves too. Obviously, we are with ourselves ALL THE TIME. But, if we could just step back off the path for a moment and look at where we came from, then we can really appreciate how far we have come. (Not that its always in a straight line, mind you. Especially not for people like me who get lost all the time anyway!)

    Thank you, G!

  14. i found your blog today and i’m so glad i did! reading this list says we have a lot (of these things) in common. what you said in your new number 14 pretty much sums up the last few months of my life: “These days I’m working within my personality instead of constantly fighting against it.” exacto.

  15. G–Do you read these? I hope so. I generally don’t comment, but I this post and the last one — Sailing — keep reminding me of two books my hubby and I love. Books that are helping us through some of our scary winds. Please note that hubby is also a HUGE fan of Brene Brown, so you will probly like these.

    _The Knight in Rusty Armor_ Geared toward men, but too true for all of us who wear armor to be someone we aren’t for the rest of the world. There’s a corollary written for women (advertized in the back of the book). But it isn’t as concise and pure as this one.

    _Mindfulness in Plain English_ Go right ahead and love your TV. I also have times when the reality of my emotions are too much to bear in the moment. But once the overwhelming stage passes, and my body has revved up the reserves, mindfulness — peering right at the pain and turmoil and crazy inside — unwinds the knots so that I don’t need distraction tomorrow.

  16. Just catching up on the last week of momastery. Wow. Proud of you as always. And love the above post – think its my favorite all time. I laughed (out loud) and cried several times which is a first. This is my first post and maybe my last as I like to stalk. So let me say thanks for letting us all in – its impossible to measure the value of this site in our lives.

  17. Glennon, I have been struck lately- like a blow to the head, really. With how essential it is not to judge other people in the decisions they make for their lives. Let me clarify from the start that I am not condoning hurtful behaviors that have far reaching consequences. Nor am I giving sweeping approval to choices that are obvious obstructions to moral codes of conduct. For I always feel that it is at this point that some will tune out or dismiss me, thinking I am off on a tirade promoting lawlessness and freedom without restraint. I am doing no such thing. I am not voicing approval of choices, but rather support for people. For choices and people are two separate things. Even when the circumstances are awful. Even when we don’t condone the behaviors.
    We can still show love, empathy and understanding for the person.
    Choices are lifeless things apart from a soul. It is our feelings, thoughts, emotions that fuel the soul. There are myriad reasons for why a person chooses to do one thing or another. And myriad influences to sway a person making life choices. Mental, social, physiological and spiritual influences. Personality, education and upbringing. Parental, familial, peer and church influences. Culture and nationality. Belief systems. Codes of conduct and morals. Faith in God. Or not. And these influences shape the choices people make, choices which are mere reflections of the soul. Lifeless without an understanding of the whole person.
    When people make everyday decisions to follow through on choices, it is often at this point that a judgement call is made. We like to conjecture. Speculate. And while at times we commend and applaud others in the decision-making process, at other times, we criticize and condemn. And in truth, we really have no right to do either- make those judgment calls. For who are we? Who are we to point fingers in either applause or blame. In praise or condescension? Do we know all the reasons for why a choice is made? Have we been given a private viewing of a person’s private thoughts? Are we present for every move, privy to every piece of contributing circumstantial evidence? How easy it is to look at someone and make a judgment call about what they are doing. Or not doing. How easy indeed.
    We like to play little gods sometimes, thinking that we know the big picture about people’s live. About choices they are making. About places they are going. About things they are doing. And, true. Some of these choices would for us, be uncomfortable. Wrong, even. But their life is not our life. Their story, not our story. Their shoes not ours to wear. We are walking at times the same path, but we all wear different shoes. And neither are our life stories all told through the same narrative.
    The choices and actions of others are not ours to make. Therefore, we can no sooner jump into another person’s mind to completely understand a choice they have made than we can sit inside our comfort zone and correctly issue a judgement call, seeing every angle perfectly. We are not God. God is God, and He alone knows the bigger picture. Our job is to live our lives for Him to the best of our God-given ability, love our neighbor as ourself and pray continuously. For both ourselves as well as for others. Regardless of how we feel about them. We just lift them up in prayer anyway. For God alone knows, and He has orchestrated the stories of our lives. And he can make beauty from ashes…even for us. Even for me. And when we pray God’s will for our own lives as well as for others, suddenly it no longer matters what we think. It only matters what God knows.
    God want us to be so concerned with living our lives for Him, with looking up- that we forget to look around at what everyone else is doing. Not that we forget everyone. We just aren’t preoccupied with what they are doing. With the choices they are making. For we are responsible for making our own choices and the for the lives we are leading. As I always tell my Kindergarten students, “You are only responsible for you…and that’s a big enough job!”
    A big enough task to last a lifetime.

  18. love and lexapro. so me. so true. so much better. ty for being here for us. all of us. we need you. and love. and lexapro. hugs!

  19. Mumford & Sons = Pure. Awesomesness. How have I not heard them before this week? Lame.

    Your list was never wrong.

    Hugs,
    Carl

  20. Glennon, I discovered this blog about a month ago and you have changed the way I see the world. I am inspired every single day to try (VERY) hard not to be a jerk, to remember everyone is fighting a battle, and that we can do hard things because of you and the Monkees. My heart is with you during this time, and I’m praying for you and your family. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging us, in every season of your life. Much love.

  21. #2!!!! Yes, of all the inspiring, motivating, relevant things you write (and I love) #2 is where I find we are kindred spirits!

  22. What a great list,Glennon. I had to laugh when you said you did the list “wrong” the first time. boy is this me! This was our month at my daughters school to decorate her door. I agonized about it. Scoured Pinterest for hours and finally came up with something. I used construction paper and various things. Went to school to put up my “clever” door and lo and behold everyone else just bought their stuff at the teacher store. Eek! Always me a step out of place. I had to talk to myself all day long, telling myself that it was just a door for heaven’s sake. Luckily I read this and I feel much better. Oh and yes Lexapro rocks!

  23. Such wisdom here. “Love and Lexapro” made me smile. Keep taking care. Love to you.

  24. I also need Lexapro. :-)

  25. Hi there!

    I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you guys. No matter what happens with you and your husband, it is hard. So I am praying for peace that surpasses all understanding for you and your family as you travel the road ahead. I relate to many of these things in your list of 25. I too, was a sugar addict. Diet Coke and chocolate were my worst. I too, am an up and down person. I actually have worried at times in my life that perhaps I am bi-polar. Though I recognize that experience in the highs and lows gives me an interesting perspective that some others don’t have, it is just exhausting at times. But I wanted to share that I now know that some of what I was experiencing, the mood swings, the depression, were caused by my food choices. The chemicals in Diet coke…not good. And it wasn’t the caffeine I was addicted to like most people think…it was the HFCS (high fructose corn syrup). I have been off diet coke now for 411 days. I gave up ALL other forms of artificial sweeteners at the same time. Only raw honey, fruit, real maple syrup and some more minimally processed pure cane sugar for me anymore. We made other food changes as well. But as I was reading this I realized that it has been quite a while since I experienced those raging roller coasters of emotions. My dad died about 6 months ago and even THAT experience, which certainly brought much sadness, wasn’t surrounded by these dramatic ups and downs. It’s been kind of nice to deal with the sadness without all the drama, if that makes sense. So, just wanted to offer that. Don’t take my word for it…feel free to google “HFCS and depression” and see what pops up. Or google “HFCS addiction” and you find a very interesting read. I just know that during this time, you probably want to be as physically strong as you can be to facilitate healing for you and your family. Hope it helps. Many Blessings!!!
    Colleen

    • Sister G, Colleen, and Everyone!

      This is my first time on Momastery. I learned about it when reading a copy of Ladies’ Home Journal. I’m not a person who usually gravitates to LHJ! But Tina Fey’s on the cover, and I had time to chill before my movie started (more on Movies / T.V. later), so I bought it and read about Tina & Lilly Tomlin (yeah!!). Then I read the rockin’ article written by the amazing woman who has schizophrenia, and who breaks it down For Real, for all of us.

      I have to say, though, having grown up enduring years of abuse within my family, I believe (no, I actually know from my experience) that Nature helps heal Everything. Nature helped me not kill myself back then, and once I survived those years (7 yrs. old to almost 18), I was able to leave the abusive environment and begin to have much better days and nights and weeks and months. It still took years of therapy and reading healing books (with workbook pages), and experiencing the Reality of a Healing Creator/God/Goddess/Spirit in my life, to reach a place of happiness (no more depression) and love (I love Creator, myself, and try to love all others; pedophiles are still hard to love, but I remember that someone taught them by example how to Be That; so I try to have compassion for them, even while believing in the death penalty for stuff like that. It shouldn’t be allowed to be passed on.) I also dig a lot of what Buddhism teaches, especially that we have more than one lifetime; that life is lived in Cycles, as well as in seasons within each life. So if you pedophile in one lifetime, and get beat to death by the family of the kid you Harmed, you get to learn from that in another place, another dimension, and you get to keep on living, in some form, or else get absorbed back into the Core of Spirit, where your Energy Spark gets cleansed and recycled and re-manifested somewhere, with each Manifestation leading to another, each serving some purpose, if only as a building block of sorts, for the next . . .

      But I digress. Nature can help Heal Anything. Spirit can help Heal Anything (Spirit can probably Heal Anything All By Itself, but It has so much to do, that it spreads the Healing Energies throughout Nature and Creation, so that Many Things can Help us all). Spirit is Love, but ‘love’ is such an overused word, I feel, that I don’t use it much. Love that is Real, can Help Heal. Eating whole and healthy foods helps Heal, as Colleen wrote, above. Avoiding synthetics (in food, clothing, home construction materials, make-up, etc.) can help Heal Many Things. Pay attention to your own symptoms, research and network, and make changes. Then pay more attention . . .

      I think the time is coming when we each will (have to) learn to Heal and Cope and Stabilize, without the help of Lexapro. Remember to spend time, barefoot, on Mother Earth; lay down on a blanket on Mother Earth, somewhere safe, where you can fall asleep on Mother Earth. She will help Heal you. Plant some seeds with Mother Earth; eat the fruits and leaves and roots, the sprouts and stems; they will help Heal you. Say prayers of Thanks and Gratitude to Mother Earth, the Plants, the Waters, the Winds; they will help Heal you. Forgive all those who’ve harmed you; this will help Heal you. Find a Food Bank, Homeless Shelter or Domestic Violence Safe House to which to give your excess money, instead of going to the store or mall again. Help those who have less than you, monetarily. If you’re not a pervert, adopt a child.

      I saw a movie today (the movie that caused me to buy the magazine where I learned of Momastery). The movie is called, “Camp.” Do not take kids to see this movie, unless they’re at least 13, and are Very Grounded, and you have a Very Strong, Very Positive Connection with them, and have at least an hour to hang out and de-brief with them after the movie. The movie is about a real camp, for kids who’ve been so abused that they’re no longer with their families, but are in foster homes, and get sent to this camp. It’s a wonderful camp. It changes these kids’ lives. Thanks be to God for this camp! Google “Royal Family Kids Camp.” I don’t watch much t.v., and don’t own one. But I appreciate seeing a movie now and then, especially independent, off-the-beaten-track films. Thank you, G, for busting open a whole space here, where folks can come be real, together. Bio-regions; worker-coops; locally-grown, non-chemically-treated food; Yoga; Meditation; Prayer; Naps. and please remember to Learn True Respect for indigenous peoples. We all live on the Lands their Forebears Cherished. Honor the Treaties! “In our every deliberation, let us consider the next Seven Generations.”

  26. yep. one step. one action. one next right thing. we are with you in spirit and prayers. God’s grace is with and on you. rest in it tonight. and again in the morning.

  27. Thank you G! Your honesty and courage is SO inspiring!

  28. I swear, the moment you commit yourself to a life of writing, or rather, the moment that life chooses you… there is something that starts to shift inside you. It pushes you to see life with more clarity, honesty, Truth with a capital T. Often times, I believe, life turns to shit in short order because you can no longer NOT see what you’ve been carefully ignoring. We are forced to confront the hidden parts of ourselves and that is a painful, arduous, exhausting process; breaking down, up and open all at the same time.

    But if you were given the gift of words that have the power to transform the world, God wants you to know how to use them.

    It takes a really long time to become a doctor. Ten years or more. When doctors are finally given that diploma they take what’s called The Hippocratic Oath. I think writer’s taken a similar oath after years of painful introspection which is, in some ways, very similar to the physicians oath which is basically… Do No Harm.

    Namaste, Glennon.

  29. Regarding No. 6, you might have a mineral deficiency. Maybe you would find a holistic nutritional practitioner or chiropractor and see if it would be a good idea to supplement with minerals.I have heard that people feel better (less depressed) very quickly, but I don’t have any personal experience with doing such.

  30. In regards to number 17. OMG, right? Broken Crown is the most gut wrenching perfect song ever. When he sings/says ” I fucked it all away”, I want to scream it with him, cry and jump up and down and then fall on my knees. Pretty powerful for a lyric , I know.
    “Better not to breath than to breath a lie.” brilliant

  31. Glennon, I am sitting here in the pouring rain (both outside my window and down my cheeks) happening upon your blog for the first time ever. I’m sure you have heard this a million times but thank you for living inside of my brain and saying things that had I had the talent or guts to say out loud, I would. I am obsessing over your line about keeping a soft heart while developing a thick skin…it describes me and my life as much as the details on my birth certificate. I am devouring your words and relating to so many of them. Where I have often hidden from my hurts and fears, I love having a place to come and feel somehow “ok” with another soul. Thank you and I look forward to many more of your beautiful words….

  32. Thank you for sharing your gifts.

  33. I have just begun to follow your blog on a more regular basis…and every time I read one of your posts, I am stunned by how kindred our spirits are. I love your honesty and vulnerability. And I wonder why you don’t have a million friends banging down your door (well, you do, but they’re banging down your computer). I am a writer too and so I imagine that some days, you sit and wonder if what you type is meaningless babble. It is definitely not and I hope you will always write and share yourself with the world. We learn from you, we relate to you, we are inspired by you, we are comforted by you. In my own very crappy Christian opinion, you are doing exactly what Jesus calls us to do by allowing others to witness your true self. So thank you, and yes, keep going.

    And to Kate HS, who said it takes 3 years for friendships to form when moving: I am thankful for this honesty, while I hope it moves a little faster for G and me both! I just moved to a new state and know not one single person. It is so unbelievably lonely and I find it the most challenging aspect of moving. You simply can’t make close friends quickly (besides TV). Anyway, following this blog and the comments of other readers always, if nothing else, helps me feel less alone in knowing I am not the only one who is struggling with the same issue. It truly is a sisterhood. Keep sharing the love.

  34. It’s a wonderful thing to find past posts, lists, whatever. I love reflecting on who we “were” and who we “are”. Marriage, children, jobs…life. It changes all the priorities and for wonderful reasons.

  35. Hi G-Thanks for making me smile! So much food for thought here but I would like to talk about number 6. I too suffer from anxiety. I am totally head-over-heels in love with Paxil. It saved my life. My anxiety became so severe that I was having daily multiple panic attacks and developed social anxiety. And I love people and parties! My body felt so wired all the time and I know that affected my metabolism (and appetite). I got down to 114 pounds and I am normally a curvy 129. Normally, I can’t lose a pound so to be skin and bones was totally scary. I was so miserable-I couldn’t escape from myself and feeling terrible. I literally experienced hell on earth. I agree with you-I think it’s chemical AND genetic. My grandmother was anxious, my mom is anxious, I am anxious-and now I see signs in my 11 year old daughter. I have no baggage-I had a normal childhood-no abuse or parents who were alcoholics. I don’t need therapy-I need to have my seratonin regulated. A diabetic would not think of not taking their insulin. I also think anxiety makes you very irritable, thus the anger. I am actually thankful for that horrible period in my life. I see how God carried me through it. My husband was actually a Paxil sales rep and had been for years. It was me who suggested to my doctor I take it. Thank you God for already placing the medication I needed right in my lap. And it has made me a better, more compassionate person. Thanks for sharing with us. I could not share with anyone for awhile what I went through. I felt so ashamed-another symptom of anxiety. But I am not ashamed anymore. I know this is how I am wired and I love myself too much to go back. I’ve tried to get off the medication before but the symptoms start to creep back. I am better on it and that’s ok. Also, my daughter has been coming to me occasionally with some things she is anxious about. And I love this-we talk about it and I try to help her through. She is only 11 and I plan on telling her all about my story when the time is right. I don’t want her to go through what I did. So thank you for talking about it.

  36. I’ve never written in before, but thought this would be as good a time as any to say that you have changed the way I look at the world, and have inspired me to try to be a better, kinder person every day. I wish things were easier for you right now, but as cheesy as it sounds, you are truly making the world a better place. Keep fighting the good fight, we are all in your corner!!

  37. Just wondering about #9 and how you are finally able to sleep…I have major difficulties with this one and would welcome any ideas…

  38. You’re slowly turning this stone cold-hearted bitch into a big blubbery sap who is starting to look at the world in a different, kinder light.

    Thank you.

  39. Oh G, I love you!! Your strength and “realness” are so inspiring. We are all lifting you up during this time, and always!

  40. “20. Some mornings Craig and I meet for coffee at the kitchen table before the kids are up, and read the Bible and talk about Jesus. This is my favorite way to start a day.

    Confusing to me, this one. I’ll save it for another day.”

    Some mornings you and your Monkees meet for sister time at the laptop before the day begins. And we talk about truth. And shit that becomes holy. And we hold each other in circles of love and light. And it’s my favorite way to start the day.
    I’m imagining you might be grieving some of the changes, and maybe this is one of them. But I wanted you to know we’re grateful you keep showing up to meet us in the raw light of the bitter hopeful morning.

    • Very well said Margaret. For some time I have found myself coming here to start my day. When there is no new post, I reread the last one and peruse the comments to feed my mind, my heart and my soul. I have come to realixe that it is not just Glennon, but this whole community that she has fostered that nourishes.

      Thanks for your lovely words today.

      • Nicole, I agree. It’s pretty much my Bible, journal, a few select books, and Momastary. Really, it’s all of you. All of us.

        So much love.

        • I would be willing to bet that with 15,000 shares on an average basis, it is that way for a lot of people. I am NOT a tv watcher, but I check into momastery the way people sit down and turn on the tv. It is almost an involuntary reaction…I prefer it to anywhere else because it is not scripted. There is not a group of people getting together trying to suppose what the world wants to hear. It is just naturally good. From Glennon to the monks…even the rare haters. It is a much more honest reflection of life…more so than anywhere else in the tele-internet world.

  41. Thanks for posting both lists!

    I hope you make some real, physically there friends soon (although my theory on moves is 3 years for any deep friendships. But I’m wrong a lot and God is big.) I will pray for that for you, and pray they’re really great ones. Thanks for sharing your heart and soul!

  42. Way to go 26! That should be the Monkee Mantra and in honor of you, when someone asks me how old I am, 26 is my new number. It’ll be my own personal inside joke, no, scratch that, inside-INSPIRATION! You are G, you truly are 26 and inspiring! Love to you.

  43. Holding space…I have to say, I did wonder if something was wrong. Maybe I sensed the stars were out of alignment in the world, but I was thinking that we hadn’t heard too much from you. No pressure or anything! :) No, seriously, thinking, praying, and holding space for you and all.

  44. I thought you might get a kick out of this story, since it involves both Monkees and parasites. Yesterday, I had the horrific and revolting realization that my four year old daughter and I had headlice. Apparently quite recently an entire industry has been born of compassionate service-minded people who come to your house with organic all-natural lice treatments, and spend HOURS in your infested home, removing your lice and nits, strand-by-strand. The lice removal specialist I hired was named Kim and while we spent four hours screening and delousing my entire family, I was on my iPad half-reading some blogs. Anyway, she says “you know what blog you should check out that will just kind of change your life? It is by a mom named Glennon…” My response “Oh! Yes! Momastery! Been reading for months!” So here I am being nitpicked by this funny, engaging, truly saintly woman, and we are both Monkees. Her name is Kim and she has tickets to come see you in Raleigh later this month. Here I was sitting with my bugs and my shame, and I meet a wonderful person and we share about your blog. I blogged about the entire ridiculous episode (http://stumpsandbeans.com/2013/02/14/per-usual-a-blog-entry-with-excessive-overshare-and-very-little-adherence-to-typical-western-social-boundaries/ if you are interested) if you are bored and looking to be entertained at our family’s expense :) I can’t help but wonder if we are the only Monkees who have made a connection through a tedious delousing session? My first in 32 years and very hopefully my last…

  45. [...] noticed the Momastery revisited the 25 Things Meme and I thought it would be a ripe occasion for doing so here, as [...]

  46. bless you. i thought of myself a lot as i read this.

  47. sending a hug ()

    xoxox
    cathy

  48. Love this. Thanks for the great read this morning (just now getting a moment to comment, you know how it is…).

  49. Awesome call on the Mumford & Sons.

    Keep on keepin on ~ that’s all we can do. :)

  50. You *were* born to do this! And if you look a little further behind each of those doors that has God standing behind it, you’ll see all of us standing there, too, holding space and sending you love and support from all over the world. With Diet Coke, Twizzlers, and chocolate in hand.

  51. Wonderful post. You inspired me to go back and read my 25 things from that era of Facebook. Interesting stuff! Definitely some priority shifts as I transitioned from one kid to two since writing that. In some ways I want to get back to the things I valued then and in some ways I want to accept who I am now. Thanks so much for this, G. xo

  52. SCANDALOUS!!!! YES!!! That is the Grace of our God!!! A love so scandalous that He died for someone like me….hmmm…couldn’t be more scandalous than that!!! P.S. Have you heard the new Hillsong United song, “Scandal of Grace”? Perfect!!!!

  53. Your are such an inspiration! To so many! Please never forget that! The path you are on is one so many of us have seen. It all happened to me when I was pregnant with our second baby girl. It was a high risk pregnancy and he just wanted to walk away. There was someone else, better. I collapsed, then found my strength. We seperated, but he came back, hat in hands and love spilling from his eyes. We worked so, so hard and learned so much about each other. Then had another baby girl to make 3! We have been married 15 years now. It’s not easy and I sometimes wonder if it was the right choice, but either way would be hard. Just keep listening, trusting and breathing. The right thing will come. On a completely seperate note…..have you ever adjusted your diet to deal with your health issues? Tried a cleanse, gone on a raw diet or gone without gluten or dairy? I’m studying to be a health coach and have been learning so much about the effects of toxins in our food and environment. I completely detoxed all of the products in our home and kicked my sugar addiction and feel soooo much better. Sugar is just so addictive!!

    • Oh crap. I’m finally sitting down for the first time today and I had a spoon filled with ice cream as I read your post. I’m having a rough patch in my life and ice cream helps somehow. Once my life smooths out a bit, I promise to do better.

  54. Thank you. I am a new mom with a four week old baby and I keep expecting him to behave in the way that makes life easy. And then when he doesn’t – well, I just finished wailing into a pillow and crying my eyes out. Reading today’s post felt like getting a few hours of sleep. Calming and refreshing and recentering. I am not perfect but it’s okay and I am not alone.

    • Hang in there, Mandy! I was a total mess for 3 full months after my first was born and thought I’d never feel human again. Sadly, it was the worst time of my life even though it should have been the best. But it has gotten so much better, as it will for you! You’re totally right – just because its very hard doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong – and you are certainly not alone! Thinking about you!

    • Oh man, that’s tough!!! Everything’s going to be topsy-turvy for a while in your life, but when things settle down, and when he adjusts to this crazy life outside of the warm, comforting womb that was always the perfect temperature and where he didn’t even have to eat or anything and momma was always with him, it’s going to be amazing. He’s going to love life, and you are too!!

      • I am learning to adjust and manage expectations! Newborns are very good at teaching us that! But I am really looking forward to having slightly more consistent expectations!! Thank you so much for the kindness and support!!

    • sending love, Mandy, if it helps, I have three kids, ages 9, 4.5 and 21 months, and my youngest was up screaming half the night, hang in there!

      • Thanks, Kate! Let’s hope the night brings some quiet and rest for both of us. I know it will get better – it helps to get love and support from this community, and just to look down at my innocent boy and remember he just needs to be loved while he figures things out right now!

  55. G, you are a revelation. We all love you like crazy here, Mama Monkee. Sister on, solider. <3 x infinity!!!!

  56. I know you have thousands of people that post-and we all tell you the same thing-that in some way what you shared touched us. But it is true. I found your Blog a year ago on Valentines day. You posts-and honesty have touched me and encouraged me. I tend to be open and out there about my life-and most people seem to run the other way-they just want ‘I am good’ and they don’t want to hear the truth about the messiness of life. If they hear mine-they might have to face theirs.
    Anyway, you really do encourage me and I made a choice last year in Feb to really try to work on some things in my life-and I can look back and see growth in some ways-and areas that still need some work…but I feel better-and more healthy. I don’t always read every blog post, and I have never commented. But for some reason this one caught my attention. As I was reading I could identify with so many things that you wrote and I teared up at points as well. Your sharing was more support and encouragement-I am working on many of the same issues that you mention in your 25 items -and I am moving in the same directions that you are trying to move in, so I identify with you and this was just more encouragement to keep on-keeping on.
    Thank you-
    Shannon

  57. Such a great way to reflect and see how you have changed/grown/no longer cared/given in (fart!)! :) I love it. Makes me want to go write my own list to look back on in 5 years. I am new to your blog and have been enjoying your posts–thank you for keeping it real!

  58. #20. I’m living my own version of this kind of confusion. I’m still with ya on #10, but my amazing husband isn’t so much anymore. Did not expect that; didn’t see it coming, which speaks loudly of my blinders, cuz the man is not a liar. He is still amazing, and my husband, and that’s a damn sight better than the pity or disdain some believers want to level at me/him/us. Tricky thing, marriage, if it lasts any time. Tricky thing, faith, when it lasts too.

  59. The more I “read” you, the more I realize we are ALL more alike than different. That along makes me less judgey and more kind to everyone in my path.

  60. Thank you for this. I really needed to read this today, esp #26.

  61. I love your list and I totally agree with #10. I’ve just recently discovered your blog and it has touched my heart in many ways. My sister (and my own lifesaver) is just entering the world of writing and is dealing with a lot of the issues you mention – what to share, fear of sharing, doubt. God gives each of us a story to tell – of His love and how it has transformed us. Thank you for sharing your story!

  62. Aww, I love you, Glennon. Thinking of you…

    Also, had to say that while I have never tried living without lungs, I have lived without my brother for 7 years now (he died in a car accident at age 24), and I imagine they are similar experiences. You hit the nail on the head.

  63. You are so right in saying that you are still a teacher. Your lessons are truly life saving. Thank you for teaching this old dog some new tricks about this brutiful thing called life.

  64. I loved this! What a great idea to look back at your 25 things and update them. Really made me smile.

  65. Thankyou for your brutiful list & shiny beautiful honesty.

    It makes me feel better about being me as I read your list nodding along as so many of your points could have been written by me.

    Funny old life isn’t it- sometimes we feel so different & alone but often were are more the same than we know.

    Sending love as you learn again to sail your ship G from one storm tossed Mumma to another.

    It’s an amazing liberating thing you do sharing your story with us all.

    Xx

  66. I don’t agree with you not doing big things for God…Monkee See Monkee Do is a pretty big thing. And the number of people you have reached with your blog and the hope you have instilled in hearts, Glennon, you are God’s Warrior!

  67. [...] http://momastery.com/blog/2013/02/13/begin-again/ Share this:FacebookMoreTwitterGoogle +1PinterestLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. This entry was posted in Uncategorized by theluckiestsara. Bookmark the permalink. [...]

  68. I love that you love Mumford & Sons. Yet another reason why I know we are sisters in some way. thank you for your unending honesty.

  69. That list is like looking through an old photo album or listening to an old CD. I love how you can look back and regroup… I wonder what you will think of the list in another 5 years. Looking back is always a good way to start looking ahead!

  70. Please allow yourself to medicate as necessary. I understand that using some feelings to affect change is powerful, but if your feelings pull you under and still your breath and ability to see, they aren’t going to do anyone any good. Only you, and a good therapist, will know the difference. And, as you know, we are all different and have different gifts. Maybe it isn’t your time to rage against the machine of injustice. Maybe, your job is to pad the corners of injustice like a new mom secures the edges of the coffee table. I know for me, you wrote your way into my heart and opened my eyes and lifted my spirit and brought me to a place where I am actively looking to make the world a better place, rather than just talking about it. You OWN that gift and whatever you need to keep breathing in and out, makes the world better for many of us.
    Just between you and me, you are my secret Valentine this year.
    xxoo

  71. I love this. It speaks to me and what I’m trying to do with my life right now. Specfically #6…I also have this problem and went on Lexapro last year. I have been feeling better but hate taking meds so I want to stop. But I’m afraid it will all come back…the anger, the depression, etc. I still feel things, but handle them better now. Still struggling with anxiety though. Love #7!! So true and funny. I also wanted to say that I spent a good portion of my 35 years being pretty anti-religous. couldn’t stand all they hypcorisy. between my Lutheran husband (his family), and you, I’m starting to change my view. I love how you talk about God and love and kindness. Minus the God part, that’s how I’ve always felt. But, I feel like I’m more open to the God part now. If that makes any sense? Maybe I’m growing a little?

  72. guess what? i love diet coke and twizzlers too. i especially love biting the ends off the twizzler and using it as a straw for the soda– it starts to taste like cherry coke after a while. try it.

  73. I don’t think there is such a thing as unkindness for unkindness sake. I think there is always a reason (mental illness, anxiety, fear). I think for some people, unkindness is a defense mechanism.

  74. Dear G,
    Its been a while since I have read your blog and I just wanted to say THANK YOU for sharing, being honest, transparent and simply opening up. I feel like I resonate with a lot of what you know 5 years ago and now and it is sooooo evident your growth. So thank you for taking your struggles and sharing them. Though you may not have asked for them and may sometimes feel like throwing them off a bridge you chose to share them and it gives me hope that I too am not the only one struggling with life, family, faith and everyday tasks…so thanks again! May you be blessed with His Strength today!
    -Amanda

  75. So much of this I could have written myself, and have, inside my own thoughts. Funny how I can find someone on a blog who is so much like me; that I relate to so much, someone I will never know personally or meet, but I can’t find any real friends (besides my husband, and lately even that is dubious) in a city of 8 million. Funny how life works. Anyway, I am thankful for your honesty and your openness on this blog. Helps me feel a little more forgiving to myself, and a little less alone.

  76. I can’t describe how much peace I feel when I read your words. Not because you are espousing lessons of Zen, necessarily, but because you are honest and truthful and I see my life in yours. You and I have very different pasts, but our inner turmoil is most identical. I’d be reluctant to believe if I heard a woman say otherwise. I support you and love you.

  77. I think about your No. 6. I’m letting that one soak in because I feel that way too. I’ve dealt with clinical depression since I was 13 years old (am now 31). Have been on medication and seen a therapist since I was 18… to no avail. Demons haunted me day and night. No amount of medication, medication blends, therapy, or hospital stays would free me from my internal demons. The days when I feel like slamming doors or throwing my phone against a brick wall, when the rage bubbles up, I know to examine my heart. The rage is always an indication of the looming depression. Always has been, it just took me YEARS to figure that out.

    In 2011 I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant. I had my daughter in January 2012. Three months after she was born, I went off all of my medication. Almost a year later, I am still off of medication. I take a healthy dose of vitamins and visit my therapist when things get tough. I’m raising my daughter alone and have been battling her father in court for the past 11 months. The stress is intolerable some days. But I’ve also never been this happy in my whole life. Turns out, all I’ve needed, since I was 13 years old, was someone to love.

    It’s incredible, this life and what it throws at us. Isn’t it? Wishing we were close, we could sip tea and share some tears, and hopefully some laughs too. I’m praying for you and your family and sending lots of love and strength.

    • Yes, so true. having someone to love! It saved me. loving my husband wasn’t quite enough, but a child, my child. That love saved me. Maybe because it is so clear how much that child needs your love (literally to survive), and knowing that you can’t give it to them until you love yourself. So you love yourself, and your child loves you, and you are able to love them and all that love is magic.

      • Minda, you said it exactly. Reading your comment, I had chills. My daughter, Ruby, has taught me how to love myself. I never understood before her what it even meant to love myself. The thought that someone could possibly love themselves confused me. Magically, now I love myself completely… imperfectly… but even so, it is love. And my love for Ruby is so huge, so out of this world, that “love” is too simple a word, too general… I love coffee. I love puppies. But I >>insert new “all-encompassing love + adoration + gratefulness” word here<< my daughter.

        My daughter, having just turned 1 a few weeks ago, very likely saved my life. After learning of Momastery only a few months ago, I tell Ruby, "We can do big things." Little does Ruby know, she already has…

    • Heidi,
      Your story literally stopped me in my tracks this morning. I have suspected for some time now that I am in a deep depression and, this may seem quite silly, I don’t know exactly what to do about it. I am a firm believer that meds only mask the symptoms and never “fix” anything so I haven’t spoken to any professional about my suspicions knowing the first thing they would do is to put me on meds. I too experience flashes of anger/rage; they come out of nowhere and, although they don’t last extreme lengths of time, they affect everyone in my family negatively. I never saw the pattern of rage then depression until now. And I am unsure of where to go next. Is there any hope for non-medication treatment that will work (besides having a baby…I don’t think it’s in the cards for me any longer). My twin boys just turned 18 and the last couple of years have been excruciatingly difficult for me. I have been trying to “train” them on how to be a responsible adult when, in fact, I don’t feel like one most days. I am going from day to day but I have no idea how I get to each day. I certainly don’t enjoy most days and I used to so love life. Now I just bear it. And some days that seems like too much effort. It seems my demons from my past are never going to let me go.

      I admire your strength and courage immensely. You are an amazing woman and Ruby is one lucky little girl to have you as her momma! Warrior on, Heidi!

      • Hi Cindy,

        Thank you so much for your comment! Sorry it took me so long to see it! I know and feel your hesitation to the bottom of my heart. I felt the same way (about seeking medical help) when I finally realized I was struggling with depression. I didn’t want to be on medication. I felt that some silly pill couldn’t possibly take away the depth of hurt and anger and misery I felt. On top of that, it wouldn’t SOLVE anything, it would just be covering it up. It was really difficult, but for me, it was a starting point. I am sure I saw over a dozen doctors, all trying different medications and blends, etc. If one doctor started pushing more pills or started to talk nonsense to me, I found a different doctor. One of the best things I did was to find a great therapist whom I trusted. My therapist, Marty, has taught me to reprogram the way I think – about seeing life as a plethora of options. I can choose to think this way or that. I can choose to take this path or that… instead of taking the “victim” mode that people often take when they are in depressive states. Marty has been so, so wonderful for me and to me.

        My suggestion would be to find someone trustworthy who you can talk to, also, just as important is to keep hope. Every single day find a tiny bit of hope… it’s God’s life-line. What I would do, when things were super bad, was to find tiny things to love. There is a 80-some year old man who jogs with his dog in the early morning near my house. I often spot them on my way to work. The sight of them always makes me smile. So I grabbed onto that little bit of light and held it, telling myself, “There. Take that smile and hold on to it.” I would find myself searching for things throughout the day to smile about or uplift me. A full pot of coffee. A friendly cashier. Leaves falling onto the street. Anything… I grabbed it with both hands and let that carry me.

        It’s a difficult, bumpy road… this road to the sunlight, but it’s totally do-able. My heart aches that you are hurting, but I know you will make it through to the best days ahead… Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you…

        • Heidi,

          What you wrote here is so beautiful! Find one tiny thing, yes! and hold it with both hands. Amen!

          I feel all of us are sensing an imbalance in the life of the Earth, brought on by industrial, synthetic chemicals; greed; and disregard for the Energies of Life (and disregard for each other).
          I believe that inwardly we each sense this, in a place beyond thoughts and words, but it surfaces through thoughts, words and behaviors . . . Blessings!

  78. What an awesome look back on all of your growing!
    Mumford and Sons is my favorite too. Especially this one….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y

  79. Ohhh dearest Glennon…..pray about if now is a good time to do the steps…..you’ve come so far….let Him guide you the rest of the way….lots of healing yet to be had now that you know who and where the Truth lies…..and have praticed hat radical grace…..the CR…Celebrate Recovery….look.it.up…….now….run.dont walk….you will never regret having a safe group of real people to walk this walk with in addition to the monkees…..love ya…..

  80. Feeling “sappy” for you, Glennon. Happy for who you are, sad for what you’re sailing through. That list … sounds so familiar to me. Have you ever read anything on sensory processing disorder, or sensitivity in general? I have a whole list that I’ve gone through in the past year or so, trying to understand my daughter, and then learning a lot about myself, as well. “Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight” by Sharon Heller, PhD is a good one to start with, or “The Out-of-Sync Child” by Carol Stock Kranowitz.

    Praying a blanket of God’s love over and around you.

  81. This is one of the best things I’ve read on this blog. For reals. Love.

  82. This was AWESOME!!! My mantra is always “Kindness Matters!” which I have on loop for my five kids daily!
    Keep at it sister. You’re making a difference and for that I say Thank you!

  83. waaah! crying. the good crying…

  84. Even though you don’t have many friends in close proximity right now, don’t forget the thousands of friends all over the country who want to wrap their arms around you on your book tour! We can’t wait to celebrate you!

  85. Thank you. I’m considering going on anti-anxiety medication and your words helped. ALL of your words helped… not just about that part. Sending love and peace.

  86. I’ve been thinking about #21. I hope by bragging, you mean the over the top, incessant, she will not shut up about how fantastic her kids are type of behavior. I think bragging is determined in the delivery. Truly, if we were real-life friends and you called me up to tell me that one of your kids had won a writing contest, or scored all the goals, or was setting all sorts of records, I would LOVE it. To me, that’s sharing- giving me the opportunity to bask in your joy WITH you. Sharing things you are proud of lets the listener have some of your excitement and happiness- that’s one of the best feelings ever.

  87. well hello again, Glennon <3

  88. now that’s some reflective introspection!

  89. Thank you for sharing this…the one about the medication for depression and moods…as someone who suffers from Chronic Fatigue and have such an amazing doctor be kind to yourself…chronic illness takes a toll on your nervous system…and i believe if i remember i’m new to your blog you have chronic lymes..so think of those little bugs literally irritating your nervous system and messing with your chemicals in your brain..is you haven’t read Molecules of Emotion by Candice Pert its an amazing read…thanks for sharing. I’m not Christian and I appreciate you sharing your views with being nonjudgmental..the world needs more people like this who live their spiritual views, share them without judgement on others…and my favorite Buddhist saying is…”Kindness is my Religion” and you have a whole lot of that. Peace. Heather

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