Jan 142013
 

 

 

Top Three Most Embarrassing Melton Pediatric Visits


 

When Chase was six months old, I took him to a pediatric optometrist because he looked completely cross eyed in every picture we took of him. After the exam, the doctor left the exam room* and when he returned he said:

“Ma’am. I have identified the issue that’s causing Chase to appear cross eyed.”

I took a deep breath and held it. The doctor continued:

“Chase…. is…. Asian.”

 

Long pause.

 

He’s Asian? I said. That’s your diagnosis?

“Yes, ma’am.” He pointed to Chase in his car seat. “That’s just what Asian babies look like.”

Well. Fine, I said. Shall I bring him back in three weeks if these Asian symptoms continue or worsen?

“No, you shouldn’t.”

Kay. Goodbye, then.

Not a lot of room for humor in optometry, apparently.

 

 

When Chase was three, I took him to the pediatrician to get his ears checked. He was really struggling to hear Craig and me and didn’t even respond to the simplest, loudest directions. After the doctor examined him, she left the exam room*. When she came back she said:

 

“Mrs. Melton, his hearing is perfect. Chase is hearing you. He’s just not listening to you.”

 

Nother long pause.

 

Examine.

Him.

Again.

I said.

 

 

When Chase was three months old, he developed a very strange orange rash on his face. It started small, just around his mouth, but started spreading further, past his nose and chin. After a week of watching it grow and deepen in color, we started worrying about jaundice and took him to the pediatrician. The doctor examined Chase’s teeny face and left the room.* When she finally returned, she said:

“Mrs. Melton, I couldn’t help but notice that your skin is tinted the same orange-ish color as your son’s face.”

 

Nother. Long. Pause.

 

Say what? I said, eventually.

The doctor looked uncomfortable, but continued:

“Are you, by chance, using a self tanning lotion?”

Ummm….yeah.

“And you’re using it…all over?”

Well….yes.

“And you’re still breast feeding, right?“


 

Double Pause.

 

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

We don’t go to the doctor anymore unless we are currently on fire.

 

 

*I noticed a pattern while writing this essay. Doctors always leave the room for several minutes before they’ll speak to me. I talked to several friends about this phenomenon, and they all said that their doctors never leave the room before offering a diagnosis.

I am now convinced that the doctors leave so I can’t see them burst out laughing. They close the door on us and then they run into an empty exam room and pull out their cells and call their doctor buddies and spouses and say “you’re not gonna believe this one” and then they quickly update their Facebook Statuses with “So this crazy lady just came into the office and….”

Then they return to our room when they’ve decided they are capable of looking at me with a straight face.

Whatever, honestly.

 

Love,

G



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  83 Responses to “Mondays Call For Giggles”

  1. Oh, thank you for this! I had a very good chuckle; thank you for humbly sharing your amusing story with us!

  2. I have just discovered your blog, and I am sitting on my couch (with a huge basket of laundry to fold) unable to stop reading! The self-tanning story did me in… Hysterical!

  3. We are new to this parenting gig but with a preemie (29 weeker), we already have our share of doctors stories. Our first pediatrician appointment to place just days after coming home from the NICU and we were nervous wrecks. About 10 minutes into being in the exam room the electricity went out in the entire office!! The doctor, unfazed, proceeded to examine our 4.5lb baby with the light on her CELL PHONE!!

  4. Oh my gosh, I love the last one. Hilarious! Also, these comments are great too. I don’t have any funny stores that I can think of at the Dr.’s with my 2 kiddos…yet. Also, kinda’ funny noticing these all had to do with Chase!

  5. No way. Oh no way.

    At least your doctors talk to you. Mine hear that I’m the “deaf mom” and regardless of me speaking clearly to them and lipreading just fine, insist on directing all the answers to my questions to my poor husband. He’s just as baffled as I am.

    And the last visit? The doc told me that Itty Bit’s foot turning in would make him a faster runner. In fact, she swore she’d see him in the Olympics one day.

    Wha???

    I’m pretty much loving your stories – and hey look, none of your kids are cross eyed! They must not be Asian anymore!

  6. That is just too funny and I am so thankful that you shared. The orange face was the best! Luckily I learned the hearing thing without having to have the Dr tell me b/c I was fortunate to have had my child next to me as I was whispering to my husband about some thing I wanted to do with them, and they heard that LOUD and CLEAR. Maybe it’s just boys?

  7. One of my best friends is a pediatrician. She told me that one day she examined a boy who was in the room with his mommy and his little brother (4 years). As he had belly ache she palpated his stomach. The little one was totally surprised, pointing at her and said to his mommy „look mum, he is getting a massage“. This was so cute.

  8. Sooo funny! I am a nanny and once had the baby at the doctor for a fever. I noticed he had an orangish color around his mouth and started worrying that he was developing jaundice as well. The doctor told me to simply do a better job wiping his face. I had forgotten that I popped him out of the high chair and into the car seat and wiped hands but not face. Awesome!

  9. When my son was born he had a floppy ear. It did not pin back to his head. My doctor said that if his ear worsen then they could surgically implant Velcro on his head and ear. It took me a while to discover that he was only kidding

  10. So funny! Our son is currently in an inpatient psychiatric unit, so thanks for making me laugh.

    We went to a class here and they went over the process for giving a time out. Step by step.In great detail. As we left the hospital, my husband said to me, “if we could get him to sit in a chair for time out would we be in the psych ward?!?” It was good information and there are parents who need it, but if you tell your kid to put on shoes and his reaction is to throw something at your head, time out might not be the place to start…

  11. When my daughter was nine, I took her to our pediatrician because she had a perfectly round purple ring of a bruise on the underside of her arm. Her arm was sore and it was so strange looking…I didn’t know if it was the result of a spider bite or, you know, the first sign of some horrible blood disease. Our doctor who is so calm and reasonable examined her for a bit, then walked solemnly to the sink to get a cotton ball and some alcohol. He then proceeded to WIPE THE MARK OFF OF HER ARM. Diagnosis? Dirty child. (The arm pain was a completely unrelated muscle strain.)

  12. These are fantastic! Props to you for the boldness to ask about the”asian symptoms” worsening :).
    Here’s one for you: A few days after my first was born, we take baby girl to her first appt. Doc says, “ok, so if she ever gets a fever of 100.4 or higher, you need to bring her in.” I, in my baby brain hear “104” and say “woah. 104?!” doc: “no, i said 100.4″ me: “so you’re telling me 102, 103 is OK?” doc: “no, i’m not. I’m saying 100.4″ me: “104?!?” doc looks at my husband as if to say, “can you help me out here? she’s kind of slow.” husband just shrugs and looks at me like my IQ has dropped overnight. doc gets out a pen and WRITES 100.4 on paper.
    Ohhhh. Gotcha, doc.

  13. Hello. Don’t read too much into the doctors leaving the room before giving a diagnosis, especially if they’re residents or interns still in training. Those doctors will need to run the info by a supervisor before giving the family a diagnosis to make sure it’s accurate.

  14. I love your column Glennon and I can always identify. I had shared this status on my Facebook a while back: “So I took my 6 year old to the pediatrician for cough, fever etc. Of course I got the doctor lacking a sense of humor. Doctor told my 6 year old to take off his shirt. My 6 year old obliged and started swinging his shirt over his head singing very proudly and loudly “I am sexy and I know and I am not afraid to show it” It took all my might not to laugh because then the 4 year old stood up and started singing it too. I was trying to keep order in that little room. Not easy. For the record, I did NOT teach them that song.”

  15. tee hee. still very very funny :)

  16. Oh my! I love that they leave the room, you better believe they are trying to compose themselves before returning to the room.

    Delia
    dressesanddirt.blogspot.com

  17. **SNORT!!** I love it! And you, for sharing it with us, when I, for one, so badly needed a laugh. Bet those docs look forward to your visits more than anyone else’s!

  18. Ha! This is great. I JUST asked my husband if he thought our son had trouble hearing! I think we’ll take your story to heart and maybe skip the doctor’s appointment for now.

    • I wondered if my son had hearing trouble too as he didn’t respond to me – but he can hear me open a box of crackers from the other end of the house just fine. A good test.Or I whisper “Do you want an iceblock?”

  19. I’m so grateful for the smile tonight, G and everyone who commented their funny stories! I am taking my school exams to get into University and stress levels are high and depressing. Thanks for making me laugh! :)

  20. Oh my goodness, I just might die laughing! Thanks, G! :D

  21. I just took my middle son to the doctor yesterday for unexplained hives. In the midst of the discussion for possible reasons, I had to explain that he had been wrestling in his underwear with his brothers and dad (fully clothed) the night before. She laughed and said “I have boys as well”, but I really don’t think her boys wrestle in their underwear!!

  22. Oh Glennon, you’re hilarious! :-D

  23. I am trying so hard not to totally LOL at the office over this post. It’s hard and my stomach muscles hurt.

    This didn’t happen to me but it did happen to my husband and his ex-wife. When my younger stepson was still in diapers, they took him to the emergency room because his poop was blood red and they thought he was bleeding internally. It turns out that they had given him this huge slushy that was what color? You guessed it – RED. You’re not alone, G!!

    LOL!

  24. So funny. Happy read.

  25. You are hilarious!

  26. Spent the whole day in hospitals. 8 to 11:30 with heart specialists for my daughter. Then drove across two towns for 12:30 check in at different hospital for my own cancer treatment. I was feeling sad tonight. And tired. Thanks for making me giggle.

    • Karla,
      I don’t know you but I would like to send you a hug. I hope you got positive news about your daughter from the specialists and that your treatment went alright. I hope you have someone to lean on during this time. Sorry you are feeling sad. You are a warrior and even though I can’t help you personally, I will be keeping my thoughts with you so that you know that you are not alone.

      Jill

    • :( We love you and are praying for you!

      • I rarely feel safe enough to say that I am sad or scared. But I knew I could say it here. Thank you for the love and prayers.

    • Karla,

      My heart goes out to you. My stomach has been in knots the last 24 hours over my own personal stress. Then I read your comment and know that everyone is scared, sad, worried, etc. in some small or huge way. My heart wraps you and your daughter in a hope-filled, healing hug.

  27. So funny! I loved reading this. :)

  28. Hehe aww Glennon, thanks for sharing the giggles! Definitely needed on the first day the semester here.
    LOVE YOU

  29. We have identical twin boys. When they were about 1, my husband took the wrong one to the doctor. Just as the doctor walked in the exam room, my husband realized he had the wrong baby and admitted it to the doctor. Oops, talk about embarrassing! He was very kind and checked out the healthy baby, then let my husband go home and get the sick one. The doctor’s office still likes to tease us about it six years later.

  30. Thank you so much for the giggle I desperately needed today!

  31. Absolutely hilarious! Not a big fan of pediatricians. They’re stuffy and judgemental (apologies to the small % tthat aren’t). And they (at least the ones I have been through) think that b/c we moms don’t all have PhD’s we have no intuition as to our children’s physical condition…
    Me: “Doctor, I’m pretty sure Little C has strep throat. She has all the classic symptoms SHE gets when she has it”
    Dr: “What are her symptoms?”
    Me: “Sore throat, belly ache, ‘strep’ breath.”
    Dr:{condescending physician voice} “Mrs. D, bad breath is NOT a symptom of strep throat, neither is a stomach ache, clearly she has a virus of some sort. I see no puss, no swollen tonsils, no fever therefor no reason for a strep test.”
    Me: “Doctor, with all due respect, these are the symptom MY child gets when she has strep.”
    Dr: “With all due respect Mr. D, your daughter has a virus, lots of fluid and rest. Tylenol for pain.”
    Me: “Ok, we’ll just go to the Med Express then.”
    Dr:{panic mode. Med Express = $$$ out of doc pockets} “Now that won’t be necessary. ‘Nurse, Please give Little C a strep test'”
    Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
    Nurse: “Doctor is with another patient, said strep test is positive. Here is your script.{wink}”
    Me: “thank you”{wink}
    And as I walk out of the office, Pediatrician in the hallway completely ignores me. Yep, I TOLD you bad breath is a symptom of strep in our house!

    • I learned from a doctor bad breath was a sign!

    • This EXACT thing happened with me & my daughter one time! I KNEW she had strep! He didn’t want to do a test either, I talked him into it and it was positive. He wouldn’t meet my eye on way out either. And bad breath is a symptom of strep in our house too!!

    • My two stepsons ALWAYS had strep breath!

    • Just know that you can beat steep and countless other bacterial infections with acidophalus. Antibiotics have stripped my sisters’ family’s immune system to where they are all allergic to just about EVERYTHING now. Taking acidophalus (or probiotics) increases the body’s natural bacterial fighting agents (when you need them to be elevated…not ALL the time) that have kept my family off antibiotics for more than 5 years now.

      • Be cautious, antibiotics are the only thing proven to help prevent rheumatic fever, which though rare, can be life threatening. Your doctor should be open to discussing questions and concerns about when it may be safe to give an infection more time off medication. But certianly worth avoiding any unnecessary antibiotics otherwise, letting viral illnesses run their course. Most good pediatricians really will try to keep the kids off antibiotics too! :)

        • Yep. It is important not to overuse antibiotics. My 13 yr old daughter has only been on them 4 times in her life so far.

          However, She had strep in pre-school (age 4). We stuck it out thinking it was a virus and then tried the probiotic route once we realized it must be strep. She ended up in the ER with a scarlet fever rash and dangerously high fever. The next morning the rheumatic fever kicked in. I have never felt like a worse parent in my life. The rheumatic fever effects – esp swollen joints/pain – took almost a year to completely disappear.

          So, just proceed with caution. Not every kid has the same immune system.

    • Friend of mine could diagnosis strep in her kids with a good SNIFF too!

    • Totally! We call it “strep breath” in our house!!!!

  32. HA! love it!

    xoxo
    cathy

  33. You crack me up lady! I , too noticed the theme of docs leaving the room before diagnosing … Mine never does that ;p hugs!

  34. This is what I LOVE about Momastery. I am NOT alone!
    One morning when my daughter was almost 4, my husband (helping her clean up and flush) yelled down the stairs for me to call the doctor – Audrey had blood in her urine! I raced her to the office.
    Anyone? Anyone? Yep, she’d eaten beets the night before.

  35. I took my toddler son into the pediatrician once because he was screaming and in pain and wouldn’t pee and I thought he had a UTI. Nope, he had a “juvenile erection.” Like I’m supposed to know that happens I’M A GIRL. Sha. My husband was not amused.

  36. So so funny! Thanks for the laugh, G! When my oldest was at her 9 month well-check, the doctor was going over the percentiles, etc and mentioned that Lily’s head was on the large side… (99th percentile). Then she said, “So what that means is, when she starts to walk, she will fall down a lot and hit her head.” My response, “Should I buy her a helmet??” She just looked at me, unsure of whether I was kidding. And I was kidding (mostly)! :-)

  37. I have a good friend who’s white, and recently had her first baby. While they were in hospital, a nurse came in to check on the baby; my friend noticed she looked very concerned, and asked what was wrong. The nurse asked, “Mrs. ______, was your son ever tested for Downs syndrome?” Of course my friend freaked out and said no, no one had ever even brought it up, why did she ask?

    Then my friend realized: Her husband is Japanese. Their son has big, almond-shaped eyes.

  38. […] UPDATE: This just brought all sorts of sunshine to my day. You must read. […]

  39. Oh Glennon!!!!!!!!! You just made my whole week!!!!!! Laughing out loud right now- AND also taking a trip down memory lane recalling some of my “freaky” mom moments when the kids where babies!!!!

    not laughing at you, laughing WITH you,

    b

  40. This was the perfect way to start my Monday morning. Thank you! I am convinced that doctors think that I am crazy sometimes, so I am glad to know that I am not alone. :)

  41. I rushed my 10 month old boy to the pediatrician’s office after I noticed a streak of blood in his diaper. Scary! After stumping the nurses and the doctor, I finally got a diagnosis: a little piece of fur from a cheap Elmo doll. Wow.

  42. Love it, G!

  43. HAHAHA Perfect way to start the first day back at school!!!!! Happy Monday Monkees!! :)

  44. So if there are any animal lovers here you might appreciate this story. My husband and I had many pets before our child so I think we got through all our crazy dr stories on them. Anyway so we had this one cat and she had a few issues that we had treated over the years. One day I convinced myself that she was losing weight and that surely this meant she had some awful new life threatening thing wrong with her. I rushed her to the vet. After a thorough examination by a dedicated vet, she looked at me and very calmly said. Your cat is shedding. This is common when it starts to get warm outside.

  45. I read this the first time around and it remains some of my favorite Momastery content. So real. So funny.

  46. I love these. As a physician myself, I’d like to clear up the leaving-the-room question: your doctors were DEFINITELY leaving to have a quick giggle. I promise you though, any giggling was with love in their hearts, and you are most certainly one of their favorite families.

  47. I just love you. You just made a really crappy morning happy…and its only 6:30 where I live. ha!

  48. Ha ha ha ha ha…. oh I needed that this morning. You’re hilarious.

  49. LOL!!

  50. Hahahaha! Perfect read as we head out the door to see a pediatric GI specialist ;) Happy Monday!!

  51. These two aren’t Pediatrician visits but while I was pregnant my husband got a really bad case of poison ivy…I’ve never had it before and I just don’t seem to to affected by it. However, I asked my Dr. since my husband had it EVERYWHERE was it possible for poison ivy to be passed to my unborn. He left the room on me too…

    During my 2nd pregnancy, I had previously been tanning in tanning beds (I know-bad!) and I wanted to know if I could still tan while being pregnant…I told him that I didn’t want the baby to be affected by my tanning & come out tan as my husband would flip! I simply got a blank look by my Dr……

  52. Love this one!

  53. My sister once noticed a circular rash on my niece’s tummy. She spent a small fortune treating her dogs for ringworm before she discovered that the baby was having a reaction to the snaps on the inside of her jammies.

  54. Great stories. I used to tape cotton wool pads to my nipples before tanning to prevent the orange face thing. Not a great look afterwards for me though, it has to be said!

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