Nov 302012
 

**first published Dec 2009

In preparation for Melton Christmas Picture 2009, Craig asked a friend to take pictures of us in our backyard. When we told Chase it was family picture day, he immediately started crying hysterically. I kid you not. Craig looked at me accusingly and I hung my head and promised both boys that I’d be on my best family picture day behavior. Chase asked if that meant I wouldn’t cry or yell. I said I’d try really hard. We actually had a nice afternoon in the backyard and the end result was some good shots, like this one.

 

I loved this picture, until I looked closely at myself. LOOK AT MY EYES. Sister and I have this affliction that we used to believe meant that one eye looked smaller than the other in pictures. We only recently admitted that our affliction is actually that one eye IS smaller than the other. In addition to this freaky affliction, my eyes are also two different colors. One greenish, one brownish. People have been nice to me about this situation my whole life until a few weeks ago when Sister and I went to lunch after a day of shopping. The teenage waitress walked over to our table and when I smiled up at her she threw open her annoyingly normal eyes and yelledOH MY GOD. LOOK AT YOUR EYES! CAN YOU, LIKE SEE OUT OF THOSE THINGS?” I tried to be nice about it because I love Jesus, but sister threatened to “kick her in the shin” quite loudly which made me feel better. When I got home and told Craig the story about the mean waitress, he looked surprised. Like WAY TOO surprised. Then he looked at me closely and said “WHOA. Cool.” Seven years, people. He’d never noticed.

Anyway, this was the only picture that could possibly work for our Christmas picture, so I did what I do five times daily…I emailed husband and sister to get their reactions.

I forwarded the above picture without mentioning the eye problem so I wouldn’t bias them.

This was sister’s response:

Sister, it’s wonderful. The kids look fantastic and you look beautiful. A little deformed, but still beautiful.

I thought maybe I’d have better luck with husband. But this was his response:

Honey, eye love the picture. It’s eyedeal.

Jerks.

So I emailed Adrianne, who’s a wiz with photoshop and is always airbrushing herself. I told her that I had an EMERGENCY and could she PLEASE fix my eye so I could send out our Christmas picture without friends thinking they needed to start some sort of foundation for me.

She said Sure Thing.

A few hours later I got this “solution” from Adrianne, along with an explanation that she decided to fix the whole family.

 

 

Craig has this picture on his office desk.

He tells people that it was taken to capture the family’s shock after I served an edible lasagna one night.

Adrianne ended up fixing my eye, so now we look like this:

 

Not too bad. I was happy.

But I felt weird sending out a doctored picture of myself for Christmas, it felt like fibbing. It’s like Popeye (to whom I must be somehow related) said… I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam. Uneven multi colored eyeballs and all.

So we ditched the whole family picture idea and went with this:

 

Merry Christmas, Monkees. Eye love you.

G


Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  95 Responses to “Was Blind, But Now I See”

  1. I laughed so hard at the photoshopped picture that I woke the baby. The confused and mildly annoyed look she gave me did not help my giggle-fit. Thank you sharing!

  2. I photoshopped my family picture last year, the only one that was good, where everyone was smiling and the baby wasn’t smacking my husband with a remote control, my arm looked weird. So I took out my own arm, and a raccoon on the wall behind my head that was gnawing on my ear. Well, ok, it was a statue, but it was eating my head so it had to go.

    This year I thought I could save myself some grief and skip the family and just do the kids, but the 2.5 year old was not cooperating until I gave him a string of lights to play with (after a few bribes). The 3 month old baby was fine when it was only her in the picture, so that one got ‘shopped as well. I full on replaced the confused and mad baby next to the grinning toddler with a much happier baby. Just a rotation and a resize and it was fine. Getting the toddler to smile took bribery with Smarties and a lollipop. But you can’t bribe an infant, you can only play the “I’m gonna get you!” game with the foot tickles.

    Nothing wrong with putting a little gloss on something you intend to represent your family. No one is perfect, but we can pretend sometimes. Its like putting on a brave face for the rest of the world.

  3. I have an eye like this too, especially when I smile in pictures. I’m over it! This post helped even more, because I totally did not notice it one little bit until you pointed it out. And now I know people aren’t lying when they tell me the same thing. I hope they notice how happy I am instead :)

  4. I have a small eye also which we have nicknamed the winkie eye. I have threatened to wear an eye patch in family photos and just go with it. I get a kick out of looking at old pictures of me in college when I drank just a little too much and it almost disappears. It gets really winkie under the influence.

  5. Thanks for showing your vulnerability. We all have our physical differences that we obsess over, it was so brave (and kind to the rest of us) to be honest about that. If we could all just laugh off our “flaws,” the world would be more awesome. Your comments about FB also spoke to me. I’ve been realizing that I’ve used it as a torture device to see how much better everyone else’s life is. Then, as I reconnected with old friends, I found out that FB profiles don’t even tell the half of it. No one’s life is perfect and some of the “perfect” looking families have struggles I am thankful aren’t mine!

  6. This was HYSTERICAL! I too have the one small/one large eye syndrome, as well. Thank you for sharing!!!

  7. That was hysterical. I like your friends.

  8. Christmas Card family picture day…Not by best moments…A couple of years ago i threw the hairbrush I was holding (for in between touch-ups) at he kids (hard) and stomped inside the house. I have since been banished from ever being present in the picture-taking.
    xo

  9. Thanks, Glennon. I really needed a laugh today. And know what – my one eye looks smaller than my other one in pictures. Something must be wrong with the cameras….

  10. This truly made me happy…same way our photos go…and eye have a smaller eye too…although not mismatched in color. although quite certain that my hubs would not have noticed if they were.

  11. your sense of humor is absolutely delightful, glennon :-)

    one can’t help but wonder, however, if the title of this blog post, considering your recent NEWS, has more meaning to it than meets the eye (pun not intended). . .

  12. I was shopping for sunglasses a while back and was very frustrated that they were all crooked. I was complaining to my poor husband who I had dragged with me, and a woman nearby piped up and said, “It’s probably not the glasses. It’s probably that one of your ears is lower than the other.” I thought she MUST be JOKING! Yeah. She wasn’t. And she was right. So I either live with crooked glasses or tilt my head and look like I need a V8 all the time. I should look into ear replacement surgery… Anyhoo, after reading all of these comments, it not only reminded me about my jacked up ears but cautioned me about my eye brows! I am never going to look too closely at my reflection again!

  13. You made me laugh out loud, thanks! And eye think you’re gorgeous! (Sorrrry! Couldn’t help myself!) ;)

  14. You made me laugh out loud, thanks! And eye think your gorgous! (Sorrrrrry, couldn’t help myself) ;)

  15. Glennon – it may not be that your one eye is smaller but you may be seeing out of just one eye — that’s how my daughter looks and it is because her one eye does most of the seeing. This may be completely irrelevant to you but thought i’d mention it! (if you are interested in more info just let me know!)

  16. Glennon, eye too suffer from the mismatching eyes! Mine makes my entire face look mismatched, and I am convinced they ruined my wedding photos. Thanks for sharing your story it makes me feel like part of a club!

  17. So glad you pulled that out of the archives! College boy of mine behind me keeps asking what I am laughing at! I will attempt to channel your humor as I pull our Christmas letter complete with pictures together this weekend. much love! (and of course your play on Mary was totally right on the spot! But didn’t get “Beer Bong” Chase until the second look!)

  18. Oh yes, eye can relate! I have one eyebrow so much lower…or is the other one higher??? I don’t know but I do know that buying sunglasses is very challenging with “the lone eyebrow”. If the more symmetrical face makes babies happy, then I would make them all cry!

  19. you are seriously soooo so funny. i love it!

  20. You are hilarious! I have one eye that is bigger than the other–totally know the feeling.

  21. My husband had to come running to see what was wrong with me, I was laughing so hard. Yes, everyone’s lopsided in some way. Couldn’t figure out why my reading glasses were lopsided on my face. Discovered one ear is lower. 57 years, girlfriend.

  22. You should get the Veronica Lake haircut…

  23. The fixed photo is delightful, and reminds me of that dear 80-year-old woman who “restored” that Spanish fresco. (I love Adrianne.)

  24. I noticed the other day that one of my eyebrows is lower than the other. 49 years – that’s how long it took me to realize this. Now I feel all lopsided.

  25. LOVE!!!! I would totally put up a copy of that one with big eyes in my house. But really, little so-called flaws are what make us interesting, and your “interesting” does NOT make you any less beautiful. I didn’t notice the different sizes till you pointed it out either. :)

  26. I just LOL’ed in Starbucks. So funny. I love all your posts–thanks for sharing!

  27. Im rolling….I would have sent out the creepy one!

  28. Ah Ha! I think the smaller eye represents your “small” i while the larger one represents your “big” I (as in upper and lower case, like you talked about) ; ) It is to remind you every time you look in the mirror of those two aspects of yourself.

  29. Thanks for the laugh today! Eye have that “one smaller eye” too……and until I read your post here, I too thought it was only that way in pictures…now I have to go look at my eyes in the mirror.
    Also – one of the tellers at our local bank has 2 different colored eyes. She is a beautiful girl and I think the 2 different colors just makes you extra special.

  30. you are the funniest girl on the planet. thank you for sharing and being sooooo real!

  31. Funny post and equally funny comments!

  32. My husband is an artist and when I commented on my “smaller eye” he told me everyone has one. It has to do with our eye dominance and the way the muscles develope around it more. Some people have a more pronounced small eye, but we all do. I trust him since he has drawn so many faces over the years.

    p.s. when he draws me I have him ‘fix’ the eye ;)

  33. I discovered this defect in myself after I got my license renewed one year. I looked at the lovely photo and noticed…hey! My right eye is bigger than my left! I quickly dug out my old licenses (yes, I have them all in a file) and was horrified to discover that sure enough, it was not the fault of the DMV’s obviously defective camera. My sister refers to it as my “freakishly large right eye” issue. Aren’t sisters great?!

  34. Oh my gosh! I thought I was the only one afflicted with that eye disorder. I knew we were soulmates:)

  35. This came at a really good time for me. My son has a prosthetic eye and just yesterday was in tears as he confided his daily struggles with his “less than perfect” eye. He is 21 years old and has had the prosthesis for 7 years but it never gets easier for him. I think it looks great but I am not the one who has to look at it in the mirror everyday. I pray that one day he will be able to laugh about it like you. Thank you Glennon.

    • I once read a story about Peter Falk, who had a prosthetic eye from childhood. He was very self-conscious about it until one day when playing Little League baseball. He slid into third base and was called out when he was safe by a mile. He walked up to the umpire, took out his eye, gave it to the ump, and walked away. And never felt uncomfortable about it after that.

  36. ROFL!!
    Love you Glennon :)

  37. Needed a good laugh! As always, thank you!

  38. You are awesome!! That post made me laugh out loud!!

  39. Classic. Love you.

  40. I snorted also!

  41. Fabulous post Glennon! Laughed out loud!

  42. Dying. My sister and I have discussed this very same “affliction” and have even gone so far as to give it an acronym – “B.E.l.e.” – Big Eye, little eye…. oh lord have mercy.

  43. Maybe Monkee families should start sending out those *bad* family photos/cards for the holidays so that our friends & relatives all know we are NORMAL. Not sane, or boring or perfect or equally proportioned (whether it be eyes, or in my case I smile BIGGER on one side than the other – sometimes it looks like a fish hook was caught in the corner of my mouth and pulled it taught), but NORMAL. Let’s start a revolution! Kind of like those parties where everyone wears bad christmas sweaters, only with a bigger purpose – to connect in meaningful ways with others and let our guards down and be REAL. :D

  44. ok, so maybe if you wink with the other eye as the photo is being taken, they’ll both look the same? I have droopy eye… my left eyelid hangs down lower than my right and makes me look drunk or tired. I try to compensate by opening my eyes wider , which of course makes me look like a weirdo. I finally gave up and stopped looking at my eyes, now I focus on my crooked teeth… hmmm..

  45. Hilarious, I laughed so hard! Great way to start my day off. Every time we get family pictures done, even if they are just of the kids, I turn into a crazy lady! Every time I just know my husband is never ever going to let me plan family pictures again, and every time it ends with a big apology from me to the rest of the family. This year was no exception, but I’m working on it :)

  46. How funny! If you look in your email I just sent you a picture of Wonky eyed me. That’s what I call it. We had amazing family portraits done at a Christmas tree farm and all the family shots I have “wonky” eye. This year I bit the bullet and sent them out any way,

    Happy Holidays!

  47. Yep, afflicted too. I call it my crazy eye.

  48. I have the same thing! My left eye is squintier than my right and they are different colors (only slightly). OH WELL! You are beautiful. I really loved your last post. It totally spoke to me and was what I really needed to hear.

  49. You’re not the only one who turns into Momzilla on fam pic day. Oy vey. They’re stressful!!

  50. So my husband has the same problem sometimes (and sometimes my daughter does too, although she seems to be growing out of it)… I always tease him that it’s his “drunk” eye coming out! I’ll have to remember the Photoshop trick…

    Finding pictures of the whole family for the Christmas cards is always a chore… do I pick the one where I look great, or the ones where my kids are cute? Such a dilemma!

  51. I have the same problem! My friends say I always look like a pirate in pictures… argghhh matey

  52. Do you think there’s anything that photo-shop friend of yours can do with my boobs?

  53. Hahahaha, that made me laugh so hard this morning! Thank you for sharing your lovely photo, the EYE photo and the puns.

    My daughter’s 4 yr old friend has 2 different colors and she says she got one eye from her mom and one from her dad :)

    Cheer’s to who we ARE!

  54. ooooh my goodness. okay, getting lots of emails. lovies, i know how to spell “merry.” Amanda and I were baby Jesus and MARY in our church’s living nativity that year. So it was a play on words. We were being Mary. We were merry Marys.

    Also, yes – that is Chase bonging a beer in “drink.” It’s actually a fish filter that he found in our garage and put in his mouth. Craig and I immediately went into frat boy mode and snapped one million pictures. He still doesn’t understand why we put the picture of him playing with the fish filter on our Christmas card. Couldn’t you find a better one, mom?? he asked. I was in a hurry, I said.

    • What is WITH people??? It’s beginning to bug me that somehow random “people” need to take you to task on shit that’s none of their business, especially since this is your blog. I understand that it’s probably well meaning, but, honestly? If people can’t understand the irony in “Be Mary,” well, hmmmm, I’m not sure what to say. Also, this was THREE years ago. It’s a little late to be trying to spellcheck your Christmas card. I just don’t think that because you’re a radical truthteller it somehow means that it’s ok for people to criticize. OH WAIT!!! I forgot that some really power-trippy men a long time ago CRUCIFIED a radical truthteller. Well, I guess criticism for your spelling isn’t so bad, in that context. Still…..one wishes for slightly more development in the evolutionary gene pool.

      At any rate, I love this the second time, too, and I’m damn proud of you for getting out of bed and going to breathing classes. I’m trying to walk slowly everywhere, just to pay attention. Sometimes I remember. Mostly I don’t.

    • Your young child set up to look like he’s doing a beer bong for a Christmas card. Being you are a recovering alocoholic I find this a bit inappropriate but anything for a laugh right?

  55. Love.

  56. Thank you for sharing this….HUILARIOUS!!!

  57. You are hysterical!! I, too, am a *bit* crazy about our Christmas card picture each year. One of the things I love about you is that you can find humor in almost every situation and encourage us, through your writing, to find the humor in our lives, too!

  58. I laughed so hard I snorted! Thank you!

  59. “Ohhhhhnooooooo! Not family pictures!!!”, is what MY head screams before I even make any announcements of the issue. I harken this topic to L I F E. The more excited, and expectation-filled we are about it (and who isn’t??), the greater the frustration and subsequent disappointment is when it doesn’t go “as we planned”. My kids are only 8,6, and 4 – and we have yet to have a positive, happy, joyous experience capturing our loving family’s image EVER on film. So – clearly a LEMONS-INTO-LEMONADE situation here. For a few years now, I have actually centered our Christmas card design around the crappy pictures we get. Turns out, everyone loves getting the silly things, and it brings cheer to them in the long run. Go figure! All the stress and planning for ‘perfect’ – not worth it. Have fun, and all will be well; I promise. ♥

  60. You had me laughing out loud here! It seems you are surrounded by comedians, between your husband, sister and Adrianne. But your final card is perfect. Merry Christmas!

  61. My son has one small eye, too. He seemed OK with it until we got the proofs for his senior pictures a few months ago, then all of a sudden it became a big deal. I thought about asking the photographer to edit it, but then I got all melancholy about him thinking he was anything but perfect.

    And so the picture sits on the mantle, with the “wink.” (That’s what we now call his squinty eye.)

  62. I love this photo and this post! My son had a congenital cataract and a condition that makes one eye smaller than the other (which is a whole long story in and of itself and involves surgery and patching and glasses on a baby) . Since then (he is now almost 2) I am OBSESSED with eyes. In my not-scientific-at-all study of eyes, EVERYONE has one that is slightly smaller than the other. So have no fears, we are all beautifully non-symmetrical!

  63. Just about every post on your blog has made me cry, and this is no exception. Real tears (+ aching belly). Please tell us you’re holding onto Picture #2 for a family Christmas card somewhere in your kids’ teen years.

  64. Thanks for the LOL this morning (literally). I needed it.
    I’m the same way with portraits (my poor kids)!

    Sending Peace today…..

  65. G —

    Eye too have this eye affliction (as do my brothers)! Once I did a public TV interview and was horrified when I saw the tape (which was after it aired on TV). Anyhow, what can you do but shug and think “oh well, WTH” love me or love me not… Nice to feel like there is a kindred spirit out there.

  66. hEYElarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  67. EYE Laughed out loud !!!! Thanks for sharing

  68. Too funny! Yep – you are what you are – and you were made by Him, so you are no less than PERFECT in His EYES! Quit-yer-bitching, girl! ;-)

  69. Awesome, Glennon – thank you!

  70. I (eye) do that squint one eye, too. Weird. It bugs me in pictures, so my son is the only one on Christmas cards.

  71. I am cracking up over this. My middle sister and I have the same affliction with the one eye! It seems to show up more when we smile big and most people don’t notice (or maybe just don’t comment?) except when they see it in photos. I love the Christmas cards you went with but the original family picture is beautiful too. I have had to come to terms with loving myself, squinty eye and all. :)

  72. I am cry-laughing from the fully fixed eye-family picture. OMG WARN A GIRL BEFORE SHE DRINKS HER COFFEE WHILE READING THAT!

  73. I too suffer from weird small eye in photographs. I believe it is because my vision is different in each eye and I squint with one. I cam to this conclusion because it only started happening after I had laser surgery on my eyes. I have one for distance and one for reading… thus weird little eye is struggling to see the camera….

  74. This his hysterical – I laughed out loud.

  75. Omg!!! I have a complete wonk eye when I smile too!!! My photo on the staff poster at work is awful thanks to the eye!! Eye still think you’re amazing G!!!

  76. Dear Glennon

    I think every family goes through an ordeal getting a Christmas card picture! I saw a friend post on FB that “the family picture is getting easier” and I wanted to snarl back, “are you freaking kidding me?!”
    I have 3 sons, now ages 19, 17 and 11 and this years picture as usual was no picnic. My 17 year old has autism and hates having his picture taken. And this year my 19 year showed up for the picture with wet hair and in need of a shave. The picture i’m sending is my 11 and 19 year olds sitting on the front steps of our home and in the background is my husband trying to pull my 17 year old son out the door! He cried and held his ear in every other picture.
    As for your eyes I think the different colored eye thing is totally cool! In any book I’ve ever read that the heroine has two different colored eyes it’s always been something that adds to her beauty. I started having one droopy eyelid when I was in college. Back then it was kindof severe but over the years has subsided and I notice it sometimes more when I’m tired. I’ve never noticed it in any of your pictures! Thanks for sharing this story, I loved it and it made me feel better about my card this year!

  77. I just laughed so hard while reading this! I needed to laugh this morning~ thank you:)

  78. Glennon, you are beautiful, and your family is beautiful, from the eyes onward. However, am I the only one who thinks it’s weird and funny that the thing you did a match with, color-wise, in this shot was the baby swing!? Not that your colors aren’t all very complimentary, but specifically, you match the baby swing! So adorable. :)

  79. Oh my God, I am still crying over the “fixed” eye picture. That was PERFECT!

  80. You crack me up, G. When I got to the “doctored eyes” picture of all of you, I sprayed my laptop screen with coffee, laughing like crazy. *Love* it!

  81. hilarious! my eyes are uneven too. thanks for helping me laugh at myself instead of hiding myself! you are beautiful G…

  82. So funny! You aren’t alone – one of my eyes always looks smaller than the other in photos, too. I guess I have a crooked smile that makes my whole face crooked! I call it endearing.

    Cheers to you and your whole family! xoxo

  83. I love the sense of humour that surrounds you! Have a great weekend Glennon! T.

  84. That was hilarious! I love the “solution” photo!! Family photos…so difficult, yet great to have the memories.

  85. Made me laugh out loud.

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