Nov 272012
 

 

It’s just another awakening. That’s what it is. I know that.

I was awakened when I got sober, then again when I got Lyme, and once more when I got The News. Every five years, I seem to get lulled back to sleep. Then comes the cold water to the face. I wish the Universe would use something more like those gentle alarms that mimic the sunrise.

 

 “Glennon, Deeper Inhales. You want to focus on the inhale. Your inhalation should be longer and deeper than your exhale. It’s a metaphor for life, breathing. Receive, Glennon. You need to receive as freely as you give. Receive. It’s safe.”

 This is what my breathing teacher said to me last week, while she sat by my side and coached me. About how to breathe. I don’t breathe right. Yet. But I’m learning.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

When you’ve had a year like mine, one is very tempted to start over. Riiiiight at the very beginning. One is tempted to look at one’s family and one’s career and one’s everything else and say to all of those lovely things:

“I am going to need you all to back off a bit while I figure out what the hell is going on. I am going to excuse myself for a moment, life. Godspeed.”

After I mentally backed away from my “life”….slowly, very slowly… the first thing I noticed was that my body didn’t work. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t really wake. I spent far too much time in bed, staring at the walls. Wishing someone would paint them. Trying to take deep breaths.

I pondered those sad things for about three weeks until one day this thought popped into my head:

“We should go to the doctor.”

At times like this, it is important to consider one’s self a WE.

One is herself, and one has a guide. That guide might be God or her best-self or her conscience or Jesus or Pokemon – whomever. Every one gets to choose and name (or not) her own guide. It’s just best to decide upon the voice of the wisest soul one knows and carry that voice around as a consultant. My guide, whom I call God, suggested we make an appointment with a very, very special doctor.

During that appointment, my doctor said this:

“None of your organs is functioning correctly. Not one. I don’t know where to start with you, honey. But we’ll get there. I can help you. Slowly. This is going to be a slow process.”

Help is so slow. Hate that. Tennie Mccarty says to her readers and patients: time takes time. That is the really annoying thing about time. How much time it takes.

My doctor made some suggestions and told me to come back in a week.

Next I (we) went to a therapist. I went even though I knew deep down I wouldn’t be sitting down to talk. Not right away at least. I was all talked, all worded out. And I was convinced that my problems were not going to be solved by my brain or anyone else’s. I was having body and soul problems. I needed someone to help me with those things. Body and soul.

When I got to the therapist’s office, I saw a flyer on the wall for Breathing Classes. I recognized it right away as a bread crumb meant for me. Follow the bread crumbs. This year I learned:

 

 Listen to your instincts. Your inner guide is more sensible than any outside voice. You know more than you think you do. So when you see, smell, or hear a bread crumb from God, a little “voice” or feeling that suggests:  Next – this. Do it. Don’t let your critical and uninspired mind talk you out of doing what you need to do. Your body knows. Your soul knows. Listen and Do.

I registered immediately for breathing classes. With an open mind, rapidly shutting-down body and hole-y pajamas, I went to class.  During the ninety minute session, I fell into a meditative state for the first time in my life and heard my next bread crumb.

I heard this, clear as day: Eat.

I left the breathing class in a rush, no time for good byes. I felt hungry, ravenous even, for the first time in five years. For the first time since my Lyme diagnosis. I got home and ate. I didn’t eat Kind bars or protein shakes or gluten free oatmeal. I mean, I ATE. Potatoes and chicken and burritos and fruit. I’ve been eating, almost non-stop, for two weeks. I‘ve put back on seven pounds or so. It’s good. I can tell it’s really good.

I went back to my breathing class the following week. Again, I fell into a deep meditative state. This time I heard: let it go, it’s not yours. And I heard: I am with you. I am you.

I am not certain of what either of those things means.  I don’t really care. I am just soaking them in, still. Weeks later. I am soaking in the fact that I heard something. Felt something. Which means that I am NOT ALONE. Which means that this “guide” I am so sure is always there but really I’m not at ALL SURE really IS THERE.

I know, it’s all crazy. And I just don’t care. It’s all unbelievable- the (seemingly) bad life stuff is so unbelievable that sometimes we have to share the good unbelievable stuff, too.

After my second breathing class I sat in my van and cried and cried and cried some more. At first I cried confused tears and then weak ones and then mad ones and then, by the end, I cried warrior tears. I was all wet from so many tears. And red. A little swollen. And fresh. Maybe even a smidge happy and new.

Because I thought: This is what is happening since I decided to say goodbye to self-doubt. To follow my own personal bread crumbs even if the path looked un-blazed and I couldn’t see past the next crumb and most folks seemed to be following a different trail of crumbs completely. This is what is happening ever since I decided to trust and take care of my self. Since I decided to quit trying to explain myself TO myself or to anybody else.

I am learning how to breathe, cry, and eat.

Like a brand new person. First things first. Then maybe other, more complicated things. Later. Time takes time.

Talitha Kuom. Get up, breathe, walk around, eat. Then sleep again. Repeat.

 

Life, healing, recovery. They are, perhaps, simpler than we think.

Don’t think. Just listen and do.

 

“After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around. At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.” – Mark 5



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  270 Responses to “Talitha Kuom”

  1. […] Glennon’s writing and the messages that she seems to be zooming at my head today. I read this post earlier and while a lot of it is more about Glennon’s personal journey, there were bits and […]

  2. Glennon,
    You have such an amazing gift. People absorb your words like an ointment to their soul. (Me included). Thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom with the world. I believe that was His intent. You are so loved by so many. May you feel it every day.
    Brenda

  3. I like you.

    That is all.

  4. Reiki-Totally agree with the very first posi. Let me just say that I 100% firmly believe that Reiki is the reason I have my beautiful, healthy, triplet girls (that plus a lot of praying). None the less, it is an amazing thing and if you are having these feelings from meditation/breathing, you are going to blown away-and it may only take 1 session.

  5. Reiki. One word for you — try Rieki. Your guides are communicating with you, they always are, but I am glad that you are choosing to listen. I highly recommend taking a Reiki class or getting a reading. It will be SOOO worth it. I know someone that is a life coach and also does Reiki. She is amazing. Let me know if you want to connect with her.

  6. It is so helpful to think of myself as a WE. I need to be reminded that, even when it’s just me, I’m not alone. I’ve been really struggling with my job lately. I took on a new role and have had a very tough time finding my niche. I recently found this beautiful online space you created and visit just about every day to explore and learn. Your words help me to keep on keepin’ on and reassure me that it’ll get better. Thank you for that.

  7. Hi Glennon,

    Everything you write holds so much truth for SO many of us. Your honesty is inspiring and beautiful, and your words are wise. Keep going! Keep breathing and eating and sleeping and following your bread crumbs. You are doing it – healing and growing – and pulling so many others along with you. And your bread crumb path holds your own truth – it works for you, that’s all that matters.
    I found a woman years ago who is a medical intuitive/energy healer. She has been better (for me) than any therapist ever was. She helps me connect all the aspects of my life – from the emotional issues, physical problems, low energy and drive – and so much more. She is what works for me. I have grown and learned so much from her – and whenever I’m ready to bring my own awareness to the next level – or when I’m feeling depleted, she is my guide.
    So good for you – YEAH! I’m happy you are finding your own way and blazing your own trail. You go girl! We are the lucky ones who get to learn from it too.

  8. I’m on my second vision board. Creating a wannabe life of joy via magazine clippings makes me feel hopeful and right now I need hope. The one idea that I managed to cut out over and over was listening to my intuition; to let me heart by my guide. I need my heart to guide me now more than ever. I have never needed to know what to do more than I need to know right now. I’m scared and I’m confused.

    My marriage is not good. I don’t know what’s going to happen so I’m just trying to breathe. Right now I have homework to do, but I can’t focus so I came here hoping there’d be a new post. Something that would help. Bread crumbs. Thank you Glennon.

    • shannon,
      i don’t know you but i am in a similar position and just wanted to tell you i am thinking about you. inner voices and gut feelings tend to start screaming if you ignore them when they are whispering, don’t they?
      love and strength,
      g

  9. I loved this. I loved almost all of it for almost how all and real it was. I know people say it doesn’t matter what The News is but it matters. I don’t feel like I can relate or know or completely feel or trust until it stops being told in vague terms and its just let out as is. And you may disagree and that’s ok. But that’s how I feel. It’s been so hard to read your entries and know the News but not know it and this is not out of wanting gossip or bad things but comes from a good place. I hope you are ok. I hope you mean it. I hope I hope I hope.

  10. G! All of my breadcrumbs as of late have been leading to being more authentic. There are some painful truths that I like to hide from the world. I’m going to announce the most painful of all right now. I’ve had 2 miscarriages. I have one child, I just found out that I am pregnant and I have had 2 miscarriages. This is my FOURTH pregnancy!! Sometimes, breathing, crying, and eating are all that I can do prevent myself from collapsing into the terror of being pregnant again. Thank you for being honest.

    • I soooo feel your pain and heartbreak Jennifer and although you probably know this your are also not alone…crying and breathing and forcing one foot to go in front of the other was an all to familiar path I was on a few years ago (very similar to yours). FOUR miscarriages for me also…but all in a row… and then finally the 5th one finally hung in there and we were blessed with our little girl. I resigned myself to the thought that we just better be thankful that we got to experience the gift of one child and know that our lives could be full and wonderful with her. Miracles show up unexpectedly sometimes and we now have a little boy to complete our family (preg #6). The feeling of ‘terror’ with the your pregnancy is a feeeling I also totally relate too…just enjoy each little moment as much as you can and know that I will be routing for your family and sending positive love your way :-) BE a warrior…you are strong!!!

      • I am tearing up at your response. First, THANK YOU for responding! Second, your story gives me hope. This isn’t a planned pregnancy, so there’s that whole element of surprise. My body feels fine (like normally pregnant), but it’s like my brain is trying to insert the terror. I have to have the dreaded labwork. Oh how I hate the labwork! I’m trying to figure out how to trust my inner “self” that is somewhere in there. Does that make sense? I really don’t know what I’m doing.

        • I wish I could tell you how to get your brain to stop making you afraid, lol, but unfortunately I think it comes with the territory after repeat miscarriages. It is an unfair reality that you don’t really ever stop worrying even tho’ you desperately want to just ‘relax and enjoy being pregnant’ after wanting it so badly. Your mind can play havoc with you after having those heartbreaks in the past. Somehow I think I just tried to convince myself that as long as I was doing everything I could to be healthy (and that included trying to be calm, relax, and have a postitive attitude) some of it was ‘just out of my hands’ and if it was meant to be, it would be! I wish you all the peace and luck and happiness with this pregnancy :-) I wish I had a magical answer that would help you but know you are not alone! ((hugs)) Shawna

          • I made a list of all the things I could actually to influence this pregnancy. I wrote
            1. Eat
            2. Drink
            3. Sleep
            4. Take my meds
            My husband added:
            5.Relax
            6.Smile
            7.Laugh
            8. Let this be apart of the awesome things you plan to do.

            I’ll try!

    • Hello Jennifer!

      I don’t really know what to say. But your response got to me. I want to let you know that. Whatever heart I have, your response got to me and touched it.
      And I can only imagine what you’re going through and what you’ve gone through. My wife and I are having our first (we’re about 20 weeks along now), and it’s her fourth (she’s widowed); and I can only imagine what it would feel like to lose our unborn little boy (I’m on the outside of all of this and just starting to feel his kicks and stretches; my wife—her name is Jen as well—feels so many of his moves, and so she often jumps as well, and gives me the play by play on what she’s feeling going on inside of her body; and so every day I am getting more and more to feel the reality of this new and developing life).

      And so imagining what you’re going through is only that—imagining it; I don’t really know what it’s like to lose a child; once, let alone twice. And yet it’s what you’ve already had to go through twice. So I feel for you, Jennifer; with whatever heart I have, I feel for you and I wish and pray and hope for nothing but the best for you!

      I really don’t know what to say or what else to say. I just want to let you know that your comment got to me and that I felt like I needed to say something—as clumsy as all of this is.

      Warmest regards & best wishes,

      John

      • Thank you John. Thank you for even taking the time to imagine what I might be feeling. There are so few people who really try to understand other people’s feelings. Especially when they are strangers. I have friends who haven’t really done that. Which makes me think that I may need to reevaluate my “friendships”. Hmm…You’ve given me some food for thought.

        Thanks again,
        Jennifer

  11. My heart is lighter tonight. This was more than a breadcrumb. Your beautiful, brilliant post was a loaf of bread sitting right in the middle of my fading path. I hope you truly know how important you are to all of us.

  12. G — I’d also like to now Who is the special doctor you saw? Was it the breathing?
    Does anyone know a doctor who specializes in women’s hormones? My gyn suggested seeing an endocronologist. She was young and couldn’t answer any questions on basic hormones. She refunded co-pay. Older endos were trained in gyn, not the new ones.
    Thanks, Kate

  13. Very much love:

    I spent far too much time in bed, staring at the walls. Wishing someone would paint them.

    At times like this, it is important to consider one’s self a WE.

  14. Listen to your instincts. Your inner guide is more sensible than any outside voice. You know more than you think you do. So when you see, smell, or hear a bread crumb from God, a little “voice” or feeling that suggests: Next – this. Do it. Don’t let your critical and uninspired mind talk you out of doing what you need to do. Your body knows. Your soul knows. Listen and Do.

    Someone told me to “Remember” all that we have forgotten. To go back to our Soul’s essence. It’s right there. You are so right. Our body and our soul know. Absolutely. Hang in there and thank you as always for your wonderfulness.

  15. Thanks for sharing your journey.

    Keep looking after you brave Mumma – I’m reminding myself as I cheer you on:)

  16. I have a four-month-old, and it strikes me that he, too, is learning how to eat, breathe, and cry. And he seems hopeful, this little guy. Happy. So I think it’s a brilliant idea to start at the beginning. This baby of mine, he has no self-doubt. He just does and lives and smiles–right now. There’s no time other than RIGHT NOW for him. I envy him that, so I’m trying to do a little more RIGHT NOW and a little less MAYBE IN THE FUTURE. Blessings, G!

    • Thank you for your comment, too, Hilary! You really brought clarity to what it means to “become as a little child.” It is what Glennon is doing, and what we all can do, though usually don’t unless we might die otherwise.

      Be still
      Listen–know the voice of your guide (mother, father, God)
      breath
      eat
      be mindful (living in the moment)–Kairos
      enjoy the moments

      Life is livable when we follow the breadcrumbs that lead us on our own, quiet path. When we try to take the main road, we tend to get trodden down.

  17. Glennon- you are truly amazing. I just found your blog about 2 weeks ago through a friend and have been loving your words ever since. It’s like you’re me, but know how to write (and are more giving, compassionate, amazing, etc.) but you get the point. This post is so beautiful. It’s just 1 of many that cuts straight to my heart. I have twin 2 year olds and I stay at home with them, so I’ve been meaning to write your for awhile now, but you know how it goes. I wanted to post a quick comment before my girls wake up. I once saw this painting (no idea where) and it was a blank white canvas with a red dot on it. So stupid, I thought. I could have made this. All it is is a dot. Then somebody came over and told me the white is all the good in your life. The good things you’ve done, people you’ve helped, etc. the red dot was a mistake in your life. Why is it that when we look at the whole picture, we only see the red dot? I read through all these comments, so many so positive, encouraging, and beautiful. Then there was one about “where are your kids? I don’t mean to be judgemental but…” For the record, I can’t stand that intro. Just go ahead and write “ok, I’m going to be judgmental here goes…” Look at you. Not even a hateful word back. I am in AWE Glennon. Shame on anyone being a red dot in your life. I feel like you need a sensor for any comment typed on here. You deserve only good ones. I have to say, if YOU are not a living breathing example of how God wants us to live, the rest of us don’t stand a chance. Keep writing. Keep pouring it out. Love to you. :)

  18. That is just magical!!! I’ve always wanted to meditate and hear my guide! Maybe now I will. :)

  19. You just spoke to my soul. Thanks. I have been following breadcrumbs lately, too. And I am so glad they’re there. For all of us. If we breathe in and out and look for them.

  20. Wow….Just wow. I needed this breadcrumb. Thank you so much.

  21. Girlfriend … you just keep on keepin’ on. Such an inspiration. Truly. To so many. You’re warrior spirit is contagious. Loving you.

  22. This post reminds me a lot of Eat, Pray, Love. If you haven’t read the book I think it is AMAZING, it’s a fairly quick read. If you find that you can’t find the time, listen to it, the author is the narrator. I’ve read it and listened and they are both AMAZING!

  23. You are such an amazing writer; this post is beautiful. This is one of your fantastic posts that makes me stop, think, reevaluate and reflect.
    Thank you for sharing and changing the way I look at myself and the world.

  24. It’s crazy, to me, how much your words speak to my heart. I think it is your openness and honesty. Your ability to say, “Look this is who I REALLY am, and it’s ok. Whatever it looks like, it’s ok. So, whatever you look like, embrace it because it’s ok, too.” Thank you. A million times, Thank You.

  25. Love you Glennon. So much.

  26. My third time back for this post, trying to absorb it all. It is the essence of you – all the best parts of you and your message are in there. (Sorta like Kelle Hampton’s current post with the woodland animal ornament – THIS is how you two set yourself apart as just astonishing!)

    I am not a sycophant, but I have to say that every time I think, “This is Glennon’s best post. Can’t get any better,” you knock it out of the ballpark a few weeks later. You’ve done that like 5 times in the past few months. That is amazing for any writer, much less a blogger producing material so fast. Love you and your gift.

  27. Glennon, I have no idea if you will read this but I hope you do. I found this crumb in an article today and immediately thought of you:

    “Warriors at heart, we cherish what we’ve gone to battle for far more than what’s been handed to us with a lifetime warranty and a lollipop.”

    Link to the article: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/andrew_solomon_s_far_from_the_tree_parents_children_and_the_search_for_identity.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2

  28. You continually say things I need to hear and you say them so beautifully…or brutifully. Thank you.

  29. G, you have no idea how sweet the breadcrumb you and this blog have been to me. God bless you.

  30. “Love After Love” – Derek Walcott

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

    . . . .

    Glennon, I’m glad to hear you are learning to breath and cry, and that are eating and relishing it! If you have an Original Pancake House or a Melting Pot restaurant around town, I would heartily recommend them–both are wonderful places to savor and delight in food!

    And have you read “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson? What you are writing of here reminds me of much of what she shares about her own rebirth. And what about “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck? These are two books (there were a few others as well) that I found much wisdom and insight in 15 yrs ago when life clobbered me (painful break-up; dog of 15 yrs died, physical injury that sidelined me for a few weeks–all of this took place within a few week in May of ’97. And it was what propelled me to look for deeper and wiser answers–to not give up thinking, but learn how to think better and more deeply).

    And as an aside, Jen and I getting married (in a few weeks) and having a baby (due in April), and we’d love to have you at the wedding!

    Warmest regards, G,

    John

    Ps. This is another poem that found its way to me in the aftermath of everything that happened in my life in ’97. . . .

    “Saint Francis and the Sow” – Galway Kinell

    The bud
    stands for all things,
    even for those things that don’t flower,
    for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
    though sometimes it is necessary
    to reteach a thing its loveliness,
    to put a hand on its brow
    of the flower
    and retell it in words and in touch
    it is lovely
    until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
    as Saint Francis
    put his hand on the creased forehead
    of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
    blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
    began remembering all down her thick length,
    from the earthen snout all the way
    through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
    from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
    down through the great broken heart
    to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
    from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking and blowing beneath them:
    the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

  31. Goosebumps, Glennon. Goosebumps.

  32. I wish I had your bravery.

  33. G.

    I read your words and it’s like visiting myself. Well, a version of myself from about 18 months ago. It can feel oh-so-overwhelming at times. But, it’s such a good thing that you’re dealing with it now. I didn’t. I thought that I did, but I wasn’t able to because I had to focus on too many other things. Then, when everything leveled and I thought everything was getting under control, my body shut down and forced me to cope with all that I had buried. I’m digging out now. I’m free now. I’ve finally been released from the last hold on me. So I speak from experience when I say, keep finding those breadcrumbs. And they’ll get bigger. Eventually, they’ll be whole slices that will sustain you for longer periods and you’ll thrive. But don’t be too hard on yourself if you have a day or two when being “strong” is just too overwhelming. We’re all allowed those days and there’s always tomorrow. And that’s why God’s always there with you. To carry you through those days and give you the breadcrumbs that you can’t find on your own. I’m praying for you and I love you!

  34. SO MUCH wonderful in all of this, and I can totally relate. Especially to the “even if the path looked un-blazed and I couldn’t see past the next crumb and most folks seemed to be following a different trail of crumbs completely.” I wanted to share this quote from St. Francis of Assisi, which I love and I’m sure I don’t have completely right but again, I love: First do what is necessary, then do what is possible, and pretty soon, you find yourself doing the impossible.
    I’m still on the first do what is necessary, and when I move to “possible,” I then most often loop back to “necessary” kind of like an endless loop in Chutes and Ladders. But I get comfort in all that nonetheless. Love you.

    • New monkee here, Thank you for that quote. I will have to mull it over. I think sometimes while we are granted the gift of doing the impossible it feels like we are back to necessary. I am very very tired and having to say “no” to pretty much everything right now. However, that is because I have an 8 month old and am 15 weeks pregnant. 3 years ago I was considered too sick to ever have children. So at first read I took comfort in the “do what is necessary”, but on reflection I also am doing the impossible. This comment made more sense in my head!

      • Oh, I love the wonder of life. That three years ago you were considered too sick to have children, and now you have one and one on the way. Anything can happen! And I totally got your comment – that it might feel like you are doing ONLY what is necessary and maybe that is where your attention lies but in fact, when you really look, you are doing the impossible. Woo hoo! So glad you can take the moment to lift your head and see that. I feel like that kind of thing is living in a state of grace. Thank you for sharing the beauty.

  35. The most unexpected thing happened this week. A table was given to me. A second-hand table with sticky jam on the flip-side. The day I lugged it through my door, I screwed on the legs, half-heartedly before plopping it right in front of my northern window. Bed had to move which meant the night stand had to move which meant I had to rearrange everything beneath and around. New space. A favorite constant in my life, thus far.

    It is an odd and humbling moment when you realize a few chunks of wood tacked together have become just as much a symbol of hope and change as it is an actual table! That is what this table is for me. A treasure which has reconstructed for me the basics–building from the ground up: journaling, writing, walking …oddly, taking up cello practice, showing kindness and reading my Bible. How strange, that the answer to ‘waking up’ wasn’t in the grand speeches I’d been given, or in the long and contemplative spasms my brain had been giving my heart, it was at a table–at a small space where I could set my coffee mug, rest, watch the snow, become inspired and work on the simple things that bring life to my heart.

    Thank you for sharing your heart no matter how raw. What a beautiful story you have in the works, Talitha Kuom. Romans 5:3-6

  36. This.

    This new person, this new outlook, this not-so-new voice (that you weren’t hearing before). This is your new beginning.

    This is your take-a-break-from-life moment, giving you the chance to begin again. Fresh, new…rested.

    Godspeed, Glennon. Moreso than ever before, Godspeed, and listen to that voice – your voice. Sometimes our voices need to scream at us before we being paying attention. And, like anything else, once we take them for granted, they need to give us a swift kick in the a$$.

    So happy for you. Pray that I am listening to the right voice, too.

  37. Well, that was your most beautiful post yet. Spoke to my heart.
    Sending love from Canada.

  38. I don’t remember much of the year after my “News”. It was only about 7 months ago, with help from a psychiatrist (a darn good one) to get me to not sting every day with the realization that this was my life now. I couldn’t escape it or believe it wasn’t real. But I think you have a good outlook on things considering the time since you got it, although there is an ebb and flow to emotions and the reckoning you go through.
    Therapy helped, although more for my husband. I tried to hang on to my job for 3 months, unsuccessfully, until I finally quit, not wanting to disappoint my boss since I was all Humpty Dumpty…broken, and no clue how to glue it all back together.
    And then I watched walls. I slept. I didn’t sleep. I watched horror movies because it was the only thing that didn’t have anything in it to remind me of my own situation even though I don’t particularly like them. They were a break from all the jokes and references to marital issues that seemed to lurk in every movie and tv show I saw. In a time of feeling too much, I now feel too little. So therapy will once again be needed to bring me back to the loving and affectionate person I once was. My age shows in my eyes.
    I am glad HE spoke to you. HE didn’t speak outloud to me, but I felt HIS presence, and it’s helped to let go of the things I cannot do. Hang in there, girl. Keep blogging it out. We’re here.

    • Thank you for sharing your story, @TheGlamourousLife! I’m sure that sharing it took great strength from you and will give great strength to others.

      Stick with it. You CAN and WILL get back to the loving and affectionate person that is hiding under many protective layers right now.

      I didn’t start making leaps and bounds forward in my own personal therapy until I committed to going weekly. (You make the most progress on the days you don’t want to go or don’t think you “need” to go.)

      Keeping a therapy notebook also helps a lot. For me, anyway! :)

      Good luck. And Talitha Kuom!!!!

      Love and light,
      Monkee Bethany

  39. You rock! You say outloud everything I feel but am afraid to say.

  40. I love your vulnerability and honesty — and I love that you are receiving some healing and nourishment for your body and soul…I hope God continues to speak to you, truth and love and peace in the beautiful way He does when we are broken and realizing our great need of Him. Thank you for sharing your life so openly – it obviously resonates and captivates so many. Peace to you tonight…

  41. G.

    When it rains, it pours, right?

    Breathing, breathing, breathing… in… out…

  42. I’m so happy that you are taking care of YOU.

    “Receive Glennon. You need to receive as freely as you give. Receive. It’s safe”. Many of us women need to work on this one. Thanks for the reminder.

  43. G, thanks for the free therapy you provide me weekly. It is realistic and inspiring.

  44. Best post I have read in a long, long time.
    xo
    lynn

  45. I love this poem by Derek Walcott, and was so glad to be reminded of it. I sure hope this is where the sidewalk (or the breadcrumb trail) ends…

    “Love After Love”

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, Sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

  46. I’m always telling myself to just breathe. Keep breathing and eating and sleeping. Love you!

  47. I, for one, am a big believer in the crazy, good, unbelievable parts of life (and for the record, have also been on the five-year-wake-up plan – what is up with THAT?) But I do also believe that God, Nature, the birds, the sky, the Universe, Pokemon, will send you messages if you are willing to slow down enough to hear and see them. Awesome. Really excited for you to be embarking on this part of your experience. Genuinely happy.

    “There is no use trying,” said Alice; “one can’t believe impossible things.”
    “I dare say you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast….”
    ~Lewis Carroll

  48. This might seem silly, but when I read you need to breathe, cry and eat, all I could think about is a newborn baby that needs to learn how to breathe, cry and eat. This is your rebirth, just like a new baby, you need to relearn how to live life. Be patient and it will come!

  49. G, I am a life time seeker..it sucks sometimes, but others, others are unspeakable, indescribable bliss..and that carries you through. I read “The news” I would offer this from the kids point of view ( I have an adopted daughter in the same situation and am a survivor of the same situation) 1. They DO know what is happening 2. No matter how hard it SEEMS..nothing is as bad as coming home everyday and feeling the tension of your parents or the unspoken reality that one day you come home and it is not your home anymore. 3. TELL them YOUR story, without demeaning the other!!! (I know it is hard, BUT, I didn’t know the humiliating life my mom lived for 17 years!!) 4. JUST LOVE THEM…not things, not ANY thing can take the place of them knowing you still love them. Why do I say this, at 49 I always wonder why my Dad had kids, but I KNOW my mom loved us..no matter how bad it got..
    And finally, YOU F^&*((ing GO GIRL!!!
    Here’s what I tell my kids I work with..”Live your life in such a way that your enemies, parents, ANYONE has NO other option but to be proud of you!!!”
    Much Love!
    Holly

  50. So glad you found your breadcrumbs.

  51. Thank you.

    I love you.

    Remembering how to breathe is harder than it would seem.

  52. G – love that you are truly believing in yourself. I am so happy for you. You are listening to your inner voice and are trusting your gut. LOVE.

    The passage from the bible you posted at the end spoke to me so strongly. I’ve just been through an incredibly trying time. Our daughter has been in the hospital for the past week & 1/2 (was perfectly healthy, this came out of nowhere) and she underwent IVIG last night for Kawasaki disease and this morning she woke up and was her old self again. It was amazing. Thanks to prayers and positive thoughts from friends and family – and incredible doctors here, we have our little girl back. Couldn’t be more grateful.

    Life is bruitiful. Love you, G. xoxo

    PS. I want to go to breathing class now. :)

  53. The bread crumbs are there if you look for them, and will begin to fill you up. I love bread crumbs, they are food literally and figuratively. Keep eating!

  54. Oh G! That quote at the end after reading what you wrote….goosebumps I tell you!!!
    I am learning to breathe, cry, and eat too. Glad to know you are journeying with me. Much love and warmth to you! You are on your way!

  55. Amazing!!! Eat!! How do you find a breathing class? I need one!

  56. I am not a Mom, but I am a monkey. I’ve never commented before, and I know you get so many, but I just found this poem. For different reasons, I feel I’ve been on a similar journey with you, and this poem spoke to me so much. I would like to hand it to you.

    To Myself

    You are riding the bus again
    burrowing into the blackness of Interstate 80,
    the sole passenger

    with an overhead light on.
    And I am with you.
    I’m the interminable fields you can’t see,

    the little lights off in the distance
    (in one of those rooms we are
    living) and I am the rain

    and the others all
    around you, and the loneliness you love,
    and the universe that loves you specifically, maybe,

    and the catastrophic dawn,
    the nicotine crawling on your skin—
    and when you begin

    to cough I won’t cover my face,
    and if you vomit this time I will hold you:
    everything’s going to be fine

    I will whisper.
    It won’t always be like this.
    I am going to buy you a sandwich.

    ~Franz Wright

  57. Oh Glennon – BIG hugs!
    Yes! Yes! Yes!
    Love this post!

  58. Get up, girl!

  59. eat. pray.love. all true words.

  60. So beautiful! Thank you for opening yourself to us again.

  61. Thank you for your transparency and honesty with yourself and all of us. I want to applaud you for reaching out for outside help. While having family and friends and monkees are wonderful, sometimes more help is needed and it sounds like you made the right decision. I work as a psychiatric nurse on a dual diagnosis (mental health and co-existing substance abuse unit). Grief, depression, anxiety etc when at it’s worst not only affect how we feel it can very significantly affect our most basic functions. Like you said eating, sleeping, energy level etc. This is very important to know if you are feeling this bad where you aren’t sleeping or sleeping all the time, not eating etc it’s time for more help. And there is no shame in that, we all need help along the way. So keep breathing, eating and taking care of yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help! Prayers coming your way! God is always with us, when you feel weary allow yourself to rest in his arms, comfort, love and security till you are strong again!

  62. Mark 5 is my favorite chapter of scripture. In the KJV it reads, “Talitha Cumi,” so that’s what I’m used to saying to myself. Christ does a lot of HEALING in that chapter. He makes time for everyone. Each person that he heals in that chapter has a very different problem, but he makes each of them whole. I know he can do this for you and for me.

    • that just gave me goosebumps….thank you for the reminder and your words “He makes time for everyone….he makes each of them whole”…..thank you for pointing that out, I needed to read it today.

  63. I KNOW……I can’t stop crying…..not exactly sure what I’m feeling, but I feel alone, until I read your blog…..mine is finances and family relationships
    Wishing you and yours PEACE this Christmas.

    Also I love reading your daughters name…she sounds awesome…I don’t see my nmae much in print!

    • You are not alone. My sorrows are finances and family relationships. I’m sure many others are too. Take care. Love Sarah

      • Thanks for the kind words Sarah, I appreciate you taking the time to write something so I don’t feel alone. Lets look forward to 2013 and make it the Best year EVER!

  64. I. Love. You.

  65. Wow…exactly how I feel yet unable to put into words. Thanks for sharing.

  66. I’m really wondering what you’re doing about taking care of your children in all of this. Not to be judgmental, but because when I hit a wall and feel like I simply can’t go on (and I’ve been there multiple times in the past few months) I kind of just HAVE to go on because…there are three little boys who have this crazy need for meals and playtime and discipline and getting their teeth brushed. So I can’t lie in bed and stare at the walls even when I think I can’t do anything else. So I guess I’m just wondering: where are your children as you’re working through all of this?

    • School.

      • Ah. That makes sense. Mine aren’t in school, which explains why they always seem to be underfoot. :)

      • And isn’t *that* a blessing??? So glad you are taking care of you!!

      • To be a good mother, you need to take care of yourself. Which means healing. You need not defend yourself for that. There are days in which life is so tumultuous, that even us “rocks” of the family cannot get up out of bed, and will is not enough to give us the strength to move on. If you haven’t experienced an emotional depression so strikingly deep that you’ve been able to put “mind over matter”, then count yourself lucky that the severity of your problem hasn’t placed you at rock bottom. Even the strongest of us can get the wind knocked out.

      • Thank God for school.

    • I think the need for playtime, discipline, and having teeth brushed is highly overrated anyway. ;)

      Children are amazingly resilient. I was astounded recently when I mentioned to my now-11-year-old that he could probably remember a time (only a couple years ago) when Mommy wasn’t really very available because she was going through a hard time… and he honestly had no clue what I was talking about.

      That was my time in bed, facing the wall, in long adult discussions that seemed to never end, my time when all it seemed like I ever said to the children was, “Please go away. I can’t talk to you right now.”

      That’s the period he doesn’t even remember.

      Even meals can require so much less of us than we often think. My four-year-old can help himself to apples and uncooked ramen noodles. He won’t starve as long as we have one of those two things in the house.

      So the next time you feel like you can’t get out of bed… maybe it’s okay to just not get out of bed… :)

  67. You are in my prayers. This post reminded me of a sermon that I heard recently and I just have to share it with you. I think that I might have heard it not just because I needed to, but so I could share it with you. It will not be as well reasoned or as eloquent as it was when I heard it, so just bear with me.

    Elijah did the things the Lord told him to. Until he wore himself out and wished for death. And God told him to eat and rest. Sounds like you had your Elijah moment. Glad that you got back to basics. Eat and sleep. Then keep moving forward. Much love to you and the whole family.

    3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

    All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

    7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

    1 Kings 19 NIV

  68. Beautiful post. My body is revolting against me, too. What kind of very special doctor did you see, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m sinking and need help, but can’t seem to find it.

  69. I think that this is the most inspiring post I’ve ever read! I love it and you really spoke to my heart today. Thank you, thank you.

  70. This is exactly how I felt when I read “Eat, Pray, Love”! Reading someone else’s experience awakened a knowledge in me in some crazy way…that I didn’t need the end solution, just “crumb” of which way to go or what to focus on…that is actually how I think of you, as well…you are a whole slice of direction for me and I love you for it.

  71. His pain
    let it go, it’s not yours
    His mistakes
    let it go, it’s not yours
    Their expectations
    let it go, it’s not yours
    The shame
    let it go, it’s not yours
    Time
    let it go, it’s not yours
    That breath
    let it go, it’s not yours

    I don’t know what that last pair of lines means but … it all just came to me from Somewhere anyway so … I’m going to let it go, it’s not mine.

    Love you, Glennon.

    • Time is not ours, it always passes without our control – I’m still not ok with that, but I think we’re supposed to accept it. And the breath – I often now catch myself holding my breath due to anxiety – I feel like I have to hold on to SOMETHING and my breath is all I’ve got. But we’re not supposed to do that either.

      • YES YES YES I KNEW it meant SOMETHING. I love this community SO much. This is where you all understand me even when I don’t understand myself.

        And later I looked again and realized that the last two lines really want to say:

        That breath–THAT one, that exact breath
        it’s not yours, let it go

        Because part of it, for me, is noticing EACH breath, THIS breath and then letting it go.

        It’s sort of like kairos moments. I can’t let go of ALL the breaths, I can’t even let go of my NEXT breath. I can only let go of THIS breath.

        • Of course, Zen says nothing is ours… the path to enlightenment is coming to understand that and becoming unattached… letting it ALL go.

          I cannot let it all go. Not yet.

          But I can let this one thing go.

          And that is enough for now.

          • “I cannot let it all go. Not yet.
            But I can let this one thing go.
            And that is enough for now.”

            Yes, yes, yes!

  72. Excellent. You keep on doing exactly that, Glennon. xoxo

  73. I think I have only commented once before but you are doing a great job. Taking care of yourself is so vital. Thank you for sharing this. It truly has helped me in the struggles I am facing. Blessings.

  74. I have trouble eating, too. Especially when I’m running through an emotional fun house, which isn’t at all fun, because either the mirrors are reflecting back words and actions I’m not ready to deal with, or the floors are shifting so much I keep falling down. And all of that makes my stomach so jumpy and nervous that most foods sound sketchy. Then I get so hungry that everything sounds sketchy, and it turns into a vicious, unhealthy, non-eating always crappy-feeling cycle. So I eat a lot of Builder Bars (by the Clif Bar people). They have 20 grams of protein and a lot of other good stuff, and they don’t taste awful. I eat at least one almost every day (for breakfast).

    Then, when I’m ready to contemplate real food, I do my best to shop at Whole Foods. I’m not a big health food person, and I eschewed Whole Foods after my first visit, when I couldn’t find either Diet Coke or Kraft mac n cheese anywhere in the store (the nerve!). But when I came home from the hospital with two premature babies whose weight wasn’t even on the little charts all of the doctors use, I went a little crazy. And I thought: I’m going to make all of their baby food! Using fresh, organic fruits and vegetables! And I’m going to get these babies on that damn chart. And I did. And twelve years later, they’re big and strong and healthy. And I still feed them fresh, organic everything. And since I’ve already spent the time cooking healthy meals for them (it sounds fancy, but I think I have all of five recipes in my repertoire, and some of them involve boxes and none of them are complicated), I figure: I might as well eat that stuff too. And it helps my stomach. A lot. I’m a believer in all of that organic hoopla.

    If you’re looking for some new eating strategies, and if there’s one near you, Whole Foods is worth a try. Everything there tastes good and feels good. Except the fried chicken. They have no business selling fried chicken – it’s some seriously foul fowl.

    Breathing classes sound awesome. You’re awesome. :)

  75. Stumbled across these today in my “A Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles” by Patrick Carnes:

    If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.
    – Joseph Campbell

    and

    One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
    – Andre Gide

  76. I’ve never commented before, but wanted to say that I think you’ve done an amazing thing in handling the news. While I’m sure you elected to be vague about it for the sake of privacy, your decision not to assign details to the news has allowed so many others to relate, grieve and learn while they go thru their own news. I’m not really dealing with such an issue but I’ve been struck by how many seem to be in the comments. Had you been more specific I am sure that many of your readers would not feel quite like they could relate. Not sure that I’m explaining this well….my best wishes to you.

  77. Your words are so familiar, like they should be coming from me but that I just have not been wise enough yet to find them. Oh how I love to read them!

    I want the deep voice. The one I hear is kind of crazy and wild and not so safe and makes me think of bad things not of love and goodness and kindness. I must find the deep voice…

  78. This song gives me strength. May it offer you strength as well:

    “Hallelujah”

    Who can hold the stars
    And my weary heart?
    Who can see everything?

    I’ve fallen so hard
    Sometimes I feel so far
    But not beyond Your reach

    I could climb a mountain
    Swim the ocean
    Or do anything
    But it’s when You hold me
    That I start unfolding
    And all I can say is

    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    Whatever’s in front of me
    Help me to sing hallelujah
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    Whatever’s in front of me
    I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

    The same sun that
    Rises over castles
    And welcomes the day

    Spills over buildings
    Into the streets
    Where orphans play

    And only You can see the good
    In broken things
    You took my heart of stone
    And You made it home
    And set this prisoner free

    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    Whatever’s in front of me
    Help me to sing hallelujah
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    Whatever’s in front of me
    I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

    To listen visit this site:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UY5_jMdELnw

    Peace to you and your family.

  79. Glennon…. Thank you for always being SO REAL!! Thank you for sharing, thank you for breathing, and eating, and thank you for being YOU. You are so inspiring.. Keep sharing, keep doing, keep being deep and real and honest and VULNERABLE. It looks great on you. So happy to hear you are eating… I hope that each day becomes easier than the last. xoxoxo HUGE hugs to you, beautiful Warrior Mama…

  80. Beautiful post. You help me find my bread crumbs, and trust myself to follow them. The fact that you share your journey of life, helps so many many people. Life is so much about the little things that help us be strong for the big things, and I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. It inspires me to take care of myself. Sharing is so vital to humanity. Thank you again for your awesome-ness.

  81. Thank you for sharing G. Your timing is always impeccable; I’m so insipired to take on my challenges now (at least today’s, and maybe I’ll read this again tomorrow).

    Love,
    M

  82. Have you read “Eat, Pray, Love”? i very much recommend it—–with love to you.

  83. I guess I am not alone.

  84. Beautiful and real. Thank you for sharing. xoxo Kent

  85. Oh Glennon!
    I’m speechless. This post is amazing. My bread crumb as well.
    Love. Love. Love. This.
    XoXo Susie Malachowski

  86. Beautiful, just beautiful. Still cheering you on, G! <3

  87. This. This was MY breadcrumb. Thanks.

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