Nov 102012
 

 

 

It’s early Saturday morning and after five weeks, Craig finally got home last night.  I was so anxious that I actually became ill. I’ve learned that my body tells me the truth. Sometimes it’s hard for me to identify my emotions, but they’re there, and if I leave them unexpressed or suppressed, my body shuts down in one way or another.  Like Shakira says, “the hips don’t lie.” Something like that.

Amma came in to wake me up this morning  – she was nervous to go see Craig by herself.  I walked her into his room and she shyly tapped his shoulder. Then she spilled into him and there were hugs –  long grateful hugs.  Two minutes later she was riding him around like a horse and holding onto his neck for dear life. Laughing, laughing. Almondy eyes shining.

It’s all mixed up. The kids joy, my pain, Craig’s fear about what he’ll learn about the state of his wife’s heart…MY FEAR about what I’ll learn about the state of my heart. Where do I learn that by the way? I don’t even know. I just feel off. Wrong. Like I’m waiting for some sort of “different” to settle in but it ain’t settling.

This is my life right now. Lower case l. And while my life, lower case l, trods along, unpredictable, twisty, turny, scary –   Life –  capital L  – goes on, too.  All around me. Same as it ever was.

Sometimes I wonder if we live our lower case l lives  just to practice what we believe about upper case L life. Like we’re all on the same game board, right –let’s call it Chutes and Ladders –  seems appropriate. And we all have the same rules, the same goals, the same, same, sames. Especially here at Momastery, we seem to have similar beliefs about how this game really works.  Love Wins. We Belong To Each Other. Offer Grace. We Can Do Hard Things. Small things with great love. Forgiveness.  Sprinkle Joy. But we each have a different path – we each have our own lower case l life – different chutes, different ladders.  And every chute and each ladder we hit in our lives is an opportunity to practice what we believe about LIFE.  It shows doesn’t it? What we really believe about the ways of the world?  It shows – in our responses to our chutes and our ladders –  our personal mistakes and our tragedies and our triumphs – what we really believe about LIFE.

This month, right now – I have never felt weaker or more confused about love and the future ( and past and present) of my lower case l life. And this month, right now, God, the Universe, Love, whatever you want to call it – gave me Holiday Hands. To remind me of the truth about upper case L Life. People are good. Not perfect – pretty banged up actually, but good. Worthy of grace and love. Worthy of being showered with grace. Not because they’ve earned it- but because that’s the rule of Life. Grace. Everyone is worthy of infinitely more than she deserves. That’s what I believe.

Can I act out in my lower case life what I believe is true about upper case Life?

So far, not so good. I’m still in bed, hiding. But I deserve every bit as much grace as anyone else, so I will be sweet and kind and patient with my banged up self, and offer myself as much time and as many chances as it takes to match my upper case beliefs to my lower case life.

Amen.

Tonight at six, I’ll be back here- posting some beautiful Holiday Hands stories. I was starting to annoy people with my seven million status updates, so this way will better. We’re getting there.  Loving, Loving, Loving the word “TAKEN.” Click here to join the miracle.

I love you, thank you for being my teachers about Life, Upper case.

Love,

G



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  216 Responses to “Just In Case”

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  7. Good day Stephen Elliot. I just got a letter dated 1/19/12 from Lorelie Lee in an envelope from you. We have no idea whatsoever how I got on your list. But I’ll write Lorelie again (a real letter, even), because it was pretty fucking brave of her to write that.

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  11. After a year and a half from my day of “The News”, I still have issues with being around my husband sometimes. Some days, I look at him sleeping (not in a creepy way) and miss the “us” that I thought we were before “The News”. Some days I feel bad for him and his internal fight that he is going through, and secretly wonder how I can make things easier to bridge “the space between”. Actually, the lyrics to that Dave Matthews Band song sum up the internal battle between two people who love each other, yet are “warring hearts”. I am still in that space between then and what we will end up being in the future. All I have the ability to work on is myself, and to support him to work on himself, so that we end up both stronger and smarter in regard to each other, and to learn to really listen more than we talk sometimes. The pain will fade to a small burn one day. I promise.

  12. Oh, Glennon, I am so glad to read that things are getting a bit better, albeit tenuously, in your world. After reading and re-reading your last several posts a few times, I am hopeful that perhaps, maybe, just maybe, The News was not quite as catastrophic (“impossible” as you wrote) as I had initially thought. This would be a happy turn of events, indeed! Your initial post was worded in a way that led me to assume a specific type of News (I’m not alone here . . . many, many readers also assumed the same thing, based on some of the comments left that night). Your situation, having gone from “impossible” to now living under the same roof gives me much hope! However, about those assumptions: I, too, have a flair for the dramatic, a trait made all the more striking, particularly stressful or stormy or catastrophic seasons of life. Out of a profound need to protect my family (and my teensny weensy community of readers), I am learning to temper that flair a bit, to become decidedly more “sober minded” in tough situations (this has taken many years, and is still a work in progress for sure!). The goal, of course, is to help minimize the mental and emotional whiplash I unwittingly inflict on those around me, and most importantly to reduce the fear I unintentionally impose on my dear children, which, as a Mom you know they absorb to the very marrow of their bones. I have no doubt of the veracity of your initial The News post–I trust you implicitly, Glennon! However, one wonders if you wish you’d have approached that post a little differently had you had the benefit of even a few more days, or a week or two under your belt to process and calm and rest and breathe? Just wondering, from a kind (and sometimes confused :) heart and a kindred spirit to a beautiful soul. Wishing you love, love, and more love always. Kass

  13. Hope you are well today.

  14. I don’t think you’re hiding…sounds to me like you’re hurting and healing. Quite often those two things go hand in hand. So stay in bed, under your covers, think and pray…and heal. It will be okay.

  15. My journey ended with my husband in prison, a divorce, and still teaching at the same school where we both taught. I hope your journey ends better but am proof that no matter what, you WILL survive. Thank you for sharing your life.

  16. You describe your husband as a ‘saint-ish” sort of person” and you are not sure where he goes every morning. Well, clearly he ain’t no saint and have you found out where he does go every morning? This guy does not sound like a keeper, kids or not! You can make it on your own and you and your kids would be better off in the long run.

    • King David was a “man after God’s own heart”. He saw a married woman bathing on her roof and did everything he could to have her, including sending her husband off to war to be killed. A man….after God’s own heart….WOW!

      Nobody is perfect. We all screw up. Thank God for people like Glennon. People that make a promise and plan to stick with it. People who forgive. People who realize that we’re all human and sometimes, we let that human side take over.

      Glennon, this is YOUR life and I am so sorry that people think they know how to run it better than you.

      My hope for you is that you do what is right, whatever that is. If your choice is your marriage and family, I will be in the front lines cheering you on. If your choice is to end it, I will be here, in this beautiful place, offering you comfort and encouragement.

      And Craig, I don’t hate you. I WAS you! I don’t think you are bad or evil or vile. I think you messed up….but…who hasn’t messed up? Through forgiveness and grace we are working on year 15!

      You guys are bruitful. And what’s better than brutiful???

  17. G – you have an amazing gift for drawing playful (yet profound) metaphors from every day life in a way that is universally understood, felt and shared by all women. Your posts have become a source of inspiration for me, and your mantra a battlecry for all of us to call out to each other when life (Life) gets hard.

    Carry on, Warrior.

  18. Everyone is worthy of infinitely more than she deserves. – Glennon Melton

    Can someone PLEASE make me a sign?!

    This is now one of my very favorite quotes.

    Glennon, take all the time you need. Remember to ask for what you need from us. What a gift that would be.

    So much love coming your way.

  19. There will always be a before and an after now. And there will also be a new normal. And that’s ok. Most people want things to stay the same and get better, but life is ever changing. And so is Life. So, when you start to feel your new normal, use this opportunity to make things better. And then don’t hope things stay like that, help make them keep getting better. “Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them.” Sending you positive thoughts to help you find your new normal.

  20. A beautiful quote from Kristin Hannah’s book “Winter Garden”: “We women make choices for others, not for ourselves, and when we are mothers, we…bear what we must for our children.  You will protect them.  It will hurt you; it will hurt them.  Your job is to hide that your heart is breaking, and do what they need you to do.”

  21. Glennon-

    Your heart is beat up. Be gentle with yourself. Hide if that’s what you need, write if that’s what you need. You hear yourself, so well, just keep tuning in and listening to you. You are a warrior and you will find your truth. Take time, tune in, your answers are within. I have been there, sweet, Glennon. My heart was mangled. I’ve come out on the other side. You will, too. Only you know what is right for you. Celebrating with you Craig is home. Will support whatever decisions and path your heart makes.

    With love, Julie

  22. sending prayers, peace, good thoughts, love and if i could chocolate:)
    Chin up buttercup:) this too shall pass. it really really really will.

  23. Sending love…

  24. You stay in bed and nurture your banged up self as long as you need to. No one said progress doesn’t hurt. Hugs.

  25. Found your blog from my niece’s and decided to check it out. I just found out at 2:30 am today that my husband is having an affair and I’m so lost right now. I don’t know where to go from here but reading your words is helping. So for now, I’ll try to keep breathing and reading your thoughts. Wanted to let you know you are amazing and to thank you for putting into words what most of us cannot express. Take care and thank you.

    • I am so sorry for you ! Check out the comments too, I think the words we said to Glennon could help you as well, many Monkees seem to have been through what you are going through, we can support you with our hearts and thoughts and our love. You are not alone, just stay with us. And take good care of yourself.

    • yes yes yes this is the place.

  26. I’ve read this 4 times today. I finally really read it. I read it and I get it.

    Sigh.

    Sending you love and this- Don’t tie yourself to your outcome. Love yourself as you love us.

  27. Glennon – I’ve been “there” before – not knowing what to do next, wanting to stay under the covers, willing to do anything that will make the pain go away, wishing desperately for anything that will make things go back to “before.” I am sorry you are feeling that agony but you already know – and I hope you continue to feel it every moment of every day – that so, so many of us are out here praying for you, wishing you peace, hoping you can take this one scary moment at a time until you find the “answers” you need to go forward on the best path for yourself and your family.

  28. I am exactly where you are Glennon. My husband and I have just come out of counselling and I was so proud of us and so happy and felt so light and joyful. Just yesterday my husband confessed to some really hurtful things he’s been doing again. It hurts. It sucks. I don’t want to get out of bed either. It’s only with God’s help that we will make it though. Thinking of you and so glad to hear I am not the only one going through this. (I know, totally selfish, but there it is) I am encouraged by the other women who have gone through this, stuck with it, and have come out the other side saying it was all worth it.

  29. Having recently gone through a life-changing event myself, all I can say is breathe, have patience with yourself, and take the first step – wherever that leads. Anticipating and waiting is worse than doing. Praying for all of you….

  30. I’ve worn these shoes. It took a long time wallowing at the bottom. Patching things and ripping seams before the knot in my heart came untangled, and I realized (and he realized) that we were ok. In truth, it just happened yesterday. After three years of awful,terrible, I-can’t-take-this-one-more-day; it passed. I am not sure where the fear, hurt, anger, and resentment went; I just know that they did.

    Even though you can’t, you can do this.

    Blessings.

  31. “But I deserve every bit as much grace as anyone else, so I will be sweet and kind and patient with my banged up self, and offer myself as much time and as many chances as it takes to match my upper case beliefs to my lower case life.”

    God bless you for this. I like it, I think I believe it, and I have no idea how in the world to accomplish it. Walking with you ….

  32. You know, Glennon, whatever The News was, it is ultimately up to you both to figure out what to make of it. I decided to leave my husband after 7 years together this past January, and although it has it’s days, it has been and will be the best decision for myself and my daughter’s future. He was not a good person to me, and that is all I can say for him. I tried for years, but trying by yourself to make something work can only go on so long.

    You guys, though, it seems like there is so much love between your family, that the dreamer and optimist in me tells me you all will be just fine. I know that I am only one of many Monkees rooting and praying for your family. But if the size of our hearts are any indication, even just a few Monkees doing that is a blessing to anyone and everyone suffering through a difficult time. Faith and Sweat. And Prayers.

    We can do hard things.

  33. Glennon,

    I have 15 months sobriety from alcohol. I attend AA regularly, use a sponsor and a supportive network. I was so surprised to hear you are not in the program. Could I ask why?

  34. I’ve been where you are G. It’s not easy. BUT it’s all worth it! Your worth it, he’s worth it and the FAMILY is worth it. Some days I hidin bed, some days I felt stronger than ever. It was work for the both of us. Lots of hard work! But it’s 12 years later and we both are different people. We both learned about ourselves and each other. This is LIFE!!! Take it just one hour at a time hell one minute if need be and let yourself FEEL. Then move forward! You are a wonderful fantabulous person and you WILL figure it all out. One step at a time!!!! And we all have your back!!!
    Love ya!!
    Dee

  35. Glennon and the Momastery Team,

    Thank you for all you’re doing. In the midst of the most trying time in your life, Glennon, you are still giving so much of yourself and your gift of words to the world. Because of your words, and the people in the background who make all this possible, there is more happiness in the world than there was yesterday. I hope one day that I can give back as much. I started here though, with the Love Flash Mob and Helping Hands and I’m inspired to do so much more. Thank you Team Momastery for your unpaid, tireless work on behalf of Love. xoxoxox

  36. Holding space and praying that this is less painful each day.

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