I have been walking on shaky ground lately.
When I start to feel that way, I remind myself that the ground is not shaky, so the shakiness must be from me.
I found the animal shelter last week. I’ve been returning each day to sit and pet the pups there. I don’t arrive from a kind, abundance of time and love place, but from a desperate place. From an I cannot sit inside my skin anywhere but here place. From a I need to be with those who are as vulnerable as I feel place.
I went to an acupuncturist a few months ago. A dozen of my friends referred me to her; they said she was wise and skilled. An MD with thirty years of experience. I sat down with her in a room filled with my friends. She picked up my hand, looked me in the eye and then looked down. Then she looked back up at me and said, “You are so filled with grief that I don’t know where to begin.”
I rolled my eyes. Obviously, I was the happiest girl in the room. Jerk. I let her poke me in a couple places. Afterward, I became violently ill. I came to the conclusion that acupuncture is nuts.
I’m reading a book by Ashley Judd called All That is Bitter and Sweet right now. Actually, I already finished it and then immediately started back at the beginning. I’ve never done that before. Her pain, her humility, her recovery process, and her hard earned perspective and peace have officially scared the living crap out of me.
She’s been through Recovery. She has worked and continues to work hard at it. She says that Recovery is a THING. A THING that she HAS. A TOOL and a PRACTICE to use when she gets shaky. I have a dog kennel and pills. She claims to be emotionally and mentally sober, not just physically sober. I am not sure what those things mean, but I’m fairly sure I’m just physically sober.
I believe in medication. I am sure I will always be medicated in one way or another, because I think I lack serotonin. But when I forget to take some of (my many) meds, I feel different immediately. What I feel is anger. Actually I should call it ANGER. And I just wonder what that is. Where does it come from? And what would happen if instead of shoving it down with pills for a little while, I let it come? What if I let it come?
Ashley says that depression is anger turned inward. Is that true? If it is, I want to help myself. Because I love myself so very, very much. I don’t want to turn on myself. I’d rather turn on the rest of the world, if that’s what I need to do for a while. If that’s what it takes to get healthy. To be recovered. I want to be recovered, not just sober. I want recovery.
Does a recovered person need sixty four pills a day? Does a recovered person refuse to do the twelve steps? What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of going back there. I’m afraid of having to apologize on behalf of a ten year old girl and a twelve year old girl and a twenty year old woman. I’m afraid of rocking the boat. I’m afraid of hurting other people by asking them to go back there with me.
I would rather swallow, swallow, swallow. And hold my breath. And keep everyone happy.
But actually, I’m not sure I’d rather do that anymore.
As Ashley says- Either God is God, or nothing. And so if I seek the truth about my trouble, about my anger . . . it will have to set me free. Truth is good. Or it’s not. I’m going to find out. I am not afraid anymore. I don’t believe that there is anything inside of me that is too awful to look at directly. To uncover. One shot at life. I want it all. I want to know everything about myself.
Yesterday, I went to my first AA meeting in ten years.
I logged on to the magical interwebs and found a meeting. Then I called a friend to verify that this meeting actually existed and she told me yes, go. This is what going to a meeting looks like. You get in your car.
It might be raining. That’s okay.
You drive and cry a little ‘cause you’re scared.
Then you get very, very lost and freak out because you’re late. You’re late to Getting Better. Jesus, you can’t even get this right. You’ve screwed up already. So you call your friend and she stays on the phone with you until you get there. And she tells you- “It’s okay. You’re supposed to be late.” And that makes sense to you.
When you arrive, there is a sign over the little rickety door in the little teeny house that says “It’s okay. You’re home now.”
You walk inside and sit down at the big brown table with a dozen other people who are reading from a book. It’s not cold but you put on your hoodie because you can’t handle the idea of bare arms in this setting. You need a layer between you and the truth of it all, even if that layer is just cotton. Someone puts a book in front of you, but it keeps closing while you struggle to pull your hoodie on and zip it up to the tippy top. The man next to you (with whom you have made no eye contact) instinctively reaches out and holds your book in place till you get all zipped up. It takes a long time. He doesn’t seem impatient. Perhaps he understands the need for layers at first.
People read aloud from the Big Book that is the story of your life. You can read too, or pass. You read. You’re surprised you didn’t pass. You think maybe you just want to prove to everyone at the table that you are totally literate. You might have some problems, but you read beautifully. Hard words- no problem.
People talk about their lives. You can talk or not talk. You don’t talk yet. No one expects anything of you. You can hear yourself in some of them, though. You can hear your past self and future self and present self. You think eighty percent of it all is painfully cheesy. You also think that you look much different than the other people there. You’re much younger, much sweeter, much healthier, much hipper. Then you remind yourself that your inflated ego is part of the reason you’re in this room, so you tell yourself sweetly to shut the hell up and remain in, as Ashley calls it “receiving mode.”
Then you hold hands with a few strangers and end the meeting with some sort of chant or prayer or song. You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to. Many don’t. You can’t but not because you hate it, just because you’re a little choked up. Something about being with people who are willing to admit they’re a little broken, and they need help. It feels like: finally. It feels like Momastery.
Then the meeting is over and you smile and say hello to a few people, or you don’t. I stayed and smiled this time. I used to sneak out like a mouse hit by a beam of light and that’s okay, too.
Then you drive home thinking: well, that was something. It wasn’t everything. You’re not better. You can’t think of one life changing thing that anyone said. But that’s not important. You started. Progress is slow, but so is regression. The life changing thing is that you did something healthy and hard for yourself. For that, you’re proud. You’re proud of yourself.
This is what the sky looks like when you leave your meeting.
You’ll go back again. Today. You are younger today than you’ll ever be in your whole life and you really do have plenty of time to learn. You are not afraid of yourself. Not anymore.
Love and Peace and Adventure.
G
[...] To be honest, even today there’s some things that – even her post [from the first week of September] about addiction; I mean, it was so powerful and even when I read it I thought, “Oh my gosh”. She talked about [...]
Dear G.,
I’m a new Monkee and this is the first time I’ve written. I’ve wanted to before now, but I always talked myself out of it…too tired, one of the kids needs something, etc, etc. Truth is, I was a little nervous to put myself out here. But after reading this (I’m playing catch-up and devouring a month’s worth of postings in one breastfeeding session!), I felt I must. I’ll try not to be too long-winded; no promises though.
On march 16th, I will have ten years sober. I am blessed beyond words and awed at how god’s grace has given me life. I, like you, was a hot mess the years preceeding my recovery, despite my amazing family and very stable upbringing.
Anyway, I thank you for the community you have created here on momastery. I feel and find it to be a safe, nurturing environment that speaks to my soul. I find this kind of beauty in AA, as well, specifically in a meeting with other moms where we can bring our kids and essentially do in person what you do here. Without the support I have found in those rooms and from other recovered alcoholics with whom I have walked, I believe I would be dead. Really what I want to tell you though, is that while AA meetings are wonderful, what saved my life and transformed me as a human being, are the twelve steps. Was it scary to look at myself, my actions, my history? Absolutely. Would I be able to live freely had I not done so? No way. The steps, which i believe to be divinely inspired, brought me to a relationship with god which I previously could never have imagined. I have, and continue to, let god love me. It’s been a slow and sometimes painful process, but it is a miracle.
There is a quote that my sponsor has hanging on the wall in the room where we meet: “The will of god will never take you to where the grace of god will not protect you.” I’m not sure who said it, but I tell myself it any time I’m reaching beyond myself to do something I know I should, but that scares me. You are not alone and going back there will not kill you or anyone else. In fact, it will free you all. And all of your sober sisters (and brothers) will be walking with you. There is an army of angels by your side.
Be blessed,
Ellen
G – You are so BEAUTIFUL in your vulnerability, honesty, pain. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel and keep, painfully, held in by shame.
Glennon, I am way behind on my reading because of some TERRIBLE morning sickness but it’s better now and I just got home from a WEEK away from the toddler where I got to be a professional at a conference with people I love. During is week, it came up twice that I have two sober brothers, one who worked the steps and another who didn’t. The difference between my ability to trust the brother who made amends and the one who didn’t is astronomical. Please keep at this. Who knows what Monkee you cannot reach until she can trust you again?
I am working through some similar emotions. VERY HUMBLING year. but also very LIFE-GIVING. some things I keep hearing from God when I listen and read His Word . . .
I am real.
I am alive.
I am here. now.
I’ve got this.
I’ve got you.
I’ve got the whole world in My hands.
I will never leave or forsake you.
I will be faithful to complete My work in you.
I am doing something new.
All things are possible with Me.
Two books that have helped me immensely: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. You’ve probably already read it. But if not . . . as a fellow writer and wounded healer — you will LOVE her poignant poetry, honesty and hope.
And Telling Yourself the Truth by Backus and Chapian. Some of the writing is not the best . . but applying the core concept of Misbelief Therapy has helped me transform some thought patterns I’ve had for 30+ years . . . actually APPLYING truths I’ve know for awhile but needed this strategy to actively use them.
Hmmm . . . this all sounds a bit preachy . . . just sharing as a fellow traveler and a new mom who doesn’t have time to edit and make it sound better
I’m really grateful for your honest and artful writing
My “AA” moment was in a Catholic sisters’ living room meeting with my Protestant priest, sitting in silence. We took into the silence a haunting memory and just sat and waited and asked Jesus to come. As the heart speaks in images, I expected the haunting would be addressed by an image. Out of the silence, with my eyes closed, I saw the bars of a white crib and arms pick me up and hold me, caress my face, my eyes, my cheeks and cherish me. I took it in, basked in it. We waited longer still…”Jesus come” After what seemed a very long time, I saw a river of oil flowing and I was so overcome that I could not sit in my chair even any longer. I lay down on the floor and just soaked it all in. When I am at that ANGRY place, when I can sort of leave by body and look down from above and wonder who that person is down there, oh yeah, it’s me….if I remember to I can go back to the arms and go back to the river and it comforts me. I cannnot logically explain, but it speaks a language I have long ago forgotten, one that addresses my sad little heart in a way nothing else ever has.
I am not in recovery from any kind of physical addiction, but the ANGER portion of your post really struck a chord with me. I was on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication for several years, and stopped last year. I am NOT AT ALL suggesting that anyone do that, it is (like to breast-feed or not, to be a working Mom or not) a VERY personal decision I believe. But I recall that I too had an immense amount of ANGER after coming off of these medications. ANGER i didn’t think I was capable of. Like, ripping the head off of the lady who just honked at me in the intersection when “I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY BITCH!!!” – ANGER.
Something I have been told all my life is that I am too emotional, too reactive, too this too that. After a while, I really began to accept that perhaps this was true. I have seen many therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc in the quest to stop myself from being “too.” But my most recent therapist has opened a window in my life – widely – the sun is streaming in and it is beautiful and terrifying all at once. Trutiful. (Because is it terrifying, true, and beautiful all at once.)
She said to me, “What if, instead of trying to push away those what you consider to be “negative” qualities about yourself, you just accepted them.” This idea was so foreign to me – ACCEPT that I am too emotional, have anxiety, am too reactive? Instead of sending myself corrective thoughts, I started letting myself feel the way I feel when I feel it. If whoever I am with doesn’t like it,or wants to judge me, well, that is something THEY have to accept.
I cannot say it has “cured” anything. But I am a lot less afraid, a lot less anxious, and my heart seems to have blossomed with forgiveness – not just for myself, but for others. I am emotional – very emotional – and it is just the way I am – and I accept it. It is inconvenient sometimes?? YES. But it is. I have major anxiety, sometimes crippling anxiety. But if you are standing near me, or are available by phone or text you will hear me say, “I am totally having a crazy panic attack right now.” And depending on who you are, it will be followed up by, “And I really need your help. Can we talk/can you come over?”
Silencing the critic in my head has been wonderfully freeing. I have no idea if this was for you or for me as a reminder – but yes… you can feel how you want to – whenever you want to. It’s trutiful.
yes.
The cloud looks like an angel wing. He has your back. Thank you for sharing this. I’m one year and one month sober and you have been an awesome inspiration.
I realize I don’t know you and therefore have no business giving advice, but if you were my friend, this is what I’d tell you:
1) Reread the post on the very last page of your blog, “25 Things You Don’t Have Time to Read” from July 27, 2009, especially numbers 4, 13, 15, 19, and 23.
2) Marvel at how far you’ve come (Hellooooo “Progress” post!).
3) Realize that you’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.
4) Go have a bubble bath and a tall glass of water.
5) Keep “showing up.”
You’re going to be just fine :0)
Buddhists say the first step on the path marks the completion of the path. Keep stepping forward. You’re doing great.
Love. To you. Your voice. Oh, your voice is important. Thank you.
This place saved my life: http://thecenterforwellbeing.com/
Not in the way that I would have died without it, but in the way that part of me became undead at R&R. I’m still recovering pieces one by one as I return over and over for myself. May your journey slowly steady you, friend. That journey is your purpose.
Carry on Warrior. I’m praying for strength and for God to provide you with peace beyond understanding. Don’t forget that you are beautiful inside and out, and God is using you in incredible ways. Thanks for your brutiful honesty.
My counselor says there is sobriety and there is recovery. Sobriety is just abstaining from the drug or drink or whatever. Recovery is abstaining AND learning how to rebuild your life, forgive yourself, become honest with yourself and others and how to be happy. I’m recovering. It’s a tough but beautiful journey. I’m also in AA and working the steps with a sponsor (something I truly fought against for years). It’s not as scary as you anticipate it to be. Keep working on recovering Glennon, it’s worth it.
When I get through crying, I’ll read this again. And probably again tomorrow. And again as needed. Thank you for the tremendous strength in your vulnerability. For using your words. For pulling the thoughts out of your head and heart and fiber into being for the rest of us.
I relate so much to this. Mine’s different yet the same. Good for you, and thank you for allowing us to see your vulnerability — for it’s being able to share this that proves how very strong you really are.
Potatoes Not Prozac has been the book that changed my life. Using nutrition. Food. Good healthy food. Nothing more. Like AA – Simple but not Easy. Recently my serotonin levels tested off the charts. Mostly though I don’t scream at my daughter anymore. Or at least not very often. Its like a miracle.
Glennon,
I’ve been reading you, and I’m the goofball who emailed you last Christmas, being on the receiving end of the secret Santa gift of love from another Monkee in another state far far away. I was the goofball who asked you over email if perhaps I’d received someone else’s present somehow? You were very funny and kind about it all. I’ve been thinking about your struggling, and I have to say that I am.so.SO.glad you had some willingness to come to a meeting and give it a shot again. It saves my butt so much. Without it, I’m an empty cup, and with it, I have just enough to get by. You give so very much, not just to us, but to your tribe at home and I’m really really glad you’re filling your cup up for an hour, from time to time. For what it’s worth, if you ever want to chat about that stuff (even if you think the slogans are dumb or something), I’m there. My hand is out there if you want it or need it. It has saved me, not just from the whole active addiction thing, but from yanking my hair out of my head, and poking my own eyeballs out of my head over the fact that regular normal life is really freaking hard for me. But these meetings somehow really really help. Proud of you and happy for you. Hope you find some that really fill your cup up.
E
I am just where you are right now, G. All the thinking is just going around in circles and up dead-ends. Insanity, the same thing and expecting different results. Yadda yadda yadda. Even the cliches get tiresome. So we need to “do” when the “think” doesn’t work. At least I need to “do”. I need to get back to meetings, I am feeling way to ungrateful, way to impatient and self-loathing and not-in-the-moment. Flailing. Spiraling. Things aren’t “bad”, but they sure aren’t “good” either. I can’t think of a single meeting that ever hurt, and usually they help, even if we’re not “better”. Even my “tiny mind” (the one that plays the broken records) is exhausted with itself. When “tiny mind” gets tired, you know that the sick and tired of being sick and tired has kicked in. Inspiration! Where art thou? In me, in you, in girls who do hard things. Thanks for having us all over to Momastery, G. Its nice to know there’s a seat on the couch for me here.
hugs and love Carole
I don’t know why I’m commenting because I don’t really do that sort of thing. But I’m medicated too. It frustrates me that I’m missing the seratonin or whatever it is that makes me angry without medication. I just get SO angry at everything and at nothing all at once. Then, my blood pressure soars through the roof and I get a migraine. Then, I need different medication to make the physical pain stop. Then when it’s all said and done I feel guilty for being so angry and ruining everyone else’s day by doing and saying things I normally wouldn’t. Ugh. It always goes like that when I stop taking the medicine. Which is worse…guilt or anger or migraine?
But then I figured out that it wasn’t my fault. Either this is just how my brain works or the Devil is using the only tool he really has left against me. Guilt, anger, rage, misery…they’re not from God, so they must be from the enemy. The only weapon that I know of is the medicine. Maybe tomorrow or next year or in 200 years there will be a different kind of weapon, but today this is what I’ve got. I’m thankful for the weapon that allows me to fight and win. It doesn’t fight the battle for me. It’s just the weapon. Sometimes when I take my medicine I actually think, “Take that Satan and shove it! I refuse to let you steal my joy!” I’m introspective enough to see the irony in my angry statement. It’s just that I channel the anger towards the one person who truly deserves it. He’s the one person who I’m SUPPOSED to be mad at and hate.
Anyway, it’s how I view my situation with needing medicine. It’s okay…not perfect…definitely broken. Everyone is broken in some way, or ten…and that’s why we turn to God. Perfectly healthy fixed people don’t need Jesus.
I don’t really talk about all this because most people I’ve told don’t seem to understand. Your post made me think that you could relate.
Hang in there…I’ll bet there was a rainbow that day even if you didn’t see it
hugs, Megan
Your comment to G’s blog really resonates with me. I’ve battled anxiety, and now depression, for years. I hate taking medicine, which never seems to work for long. I’ve switched so many times trying to find the right one to help me. I LOVE, LOVE your statement, “It doesn’t fight the battle for me. It’s just the weapon.” So true and something I need to remind myself of every day. I have no idea what normal is and as much as I would like to find “it”, I seriously doubt I ever will. So, just accept each day as it unfolds and fight hard to “stay in the light”.
G – I just clicked on your link through a friend’s post on FB. I’ve spent the last hour reading through your blog. I’m overwhelmed by your story, incredibly impressed by you and grateful for your heart and openness to God’s immense love AND sharing it with the world!!! I need to move on with my day:) but I can’t wait to come back and visit. I read this entry and just wanted to recommend a book (I did it as a course with the author) that changed my life – it’s called “Free Yourself to Love” by Jackie Kendall. Have you ever heard of her or read it? She’s an amazing Godly woman who is crazy in love with God and teaches amazing ways to move forward in your life. If you want more info, let me know but I highly recommend this book. It’s on forgiveness – she teaches how it’s easy to love like Jesus, because we choose to love those easy to love – but to forgive like Jesus is the ulitmate chance to be like Him. And, sometimes that starts with forgiving ourselves. Virtual hugs to you and thanks again for sharing your heart with us!
Thank you, Glennon. Someone I love very much is going through recovery. Your sharing helps me understand this process so much better.
Glennon, this morning I was getting my daughter ready for school and this song came on the radio, “That Wasn’t Me” by Brandi Carlile. I just wanted to share it with you on this post you bravely shared with all of us, as it is a song about addiction and recovery. Seemed so fitting. xoxo
I know this is a shot in the dark, but I thought it was worth it still. I could use a little Monkee love. I lost my mother 5 months ago to suicide. She was only 42 years old. It’s a hard hard road to be walking right now. But walking is actually what I’ve decided to do to make it feel a little more bearable.
Tomorrow. I’m walking to bring this issue Out of the Darkness.
If anyone happens to read this and feels like they are able to contribute, please visit my fundraising page. http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/323346
Or you could keep me and my family in your prayers. I pray for all of you, too.
Virtual hug to you. You honor your mother’s memory by living your life and trying to help others fight this awful illness that is depression. Be proud of yourself.
Also G, in the off chance that you get to see this message, I wanted to say how incredibly brave this post is. I was practically raised in AA meetings and it is in that atmosphere that I learned the best lessons of humility, grace, forgiveness and true charity. I have such admiration for people who (as you say) are broken just a little and brave enough to look for help.
Love to you.
much love, Whitney, I’m so so sorry for your loss.
I am commenting for the first time, but I have been reading G’s beautiful words and everyone’s comments for months. Thank you all for your honesty and strength, and for letting me I am not alone in my imperfections.
I am getting ready to go my first AA meeting and I am terrified. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you read this.
Thank you!
GOOD for you. You can do it. It works, I promise. Love to you.
Know that you are not alone! Let us know how it goes.
Thank you! I cried the whole time, but I didn’t want it to end.
It is in your weakness, that He is strong. People need to see this. I need to see this. With your life spread before us, we watch you lean on Him, we watch Him lift you, we watch you overcome and persevere, and fight and fight and fight. He is strong in your weakness because we are witnesses to it all. He is moving. I have been praying a prayer lately that says, “No matter what, increase my intimacy with you,” and I’m terrified every time I say it because I know… well, I guess I know what ‘no matter what’ could mean. My heart prayer for you today is that you are intimate with the Lover of Your Soul in a new way and that you feel all of our hearts behind your heart cheering for you as loud as we possibly can. So much love, Glennon.
Isn’t it surprising that so much of adulthood is about healing–healing that takes a tremendous amount of conscious attention, courage, and faith? We are all walking this path together. Thank you for your honesty and your example–you are transforming lives with your courage and your gifts. (Have you read Brene Brown or seen her TED talks on vulnerability and shame? She’s amazing–I’ve found her to be another excellent companion on the journey…)
Thank you for sharing your story. Not only did it take a lot of guts and sheer honesty to do that, but you also write so beautifully! I’ll be praying for you that you keep progressing. It’s amazing how proud you can feel of someone you don’t even know.
Glennon, One of the smartest people I know told me once that “only the truth will set you free in life . . . in any situation, for any problem . . . and that when you can muster up what it takes to face the truth in your life you will find the road to recovery and freedom” The truth also hurts! You are so brave and strong!! Keep going to those meetings! Let the fellowship at the meetings sustain you when you can’t sustain yourself. This road is yours to travel. I’m cheering you on for having the courage to not just stand at the side of the road to “stay on it”, but to actually move your feet and travel down the path. The best is yet to come. Thank you for sharing the most tender part of your life. Hugs to you!
Thank you Glennon for you brutal honesty. I have been going to 12 step meetings for 6+ years and recently have found it more difficult to get there. What happens to many of us is we clean up and sober up, start transforming and began to see the gifts of the program. Those gifts then become obstacles or excuse (at least for me) to continue going. Yet I know that when I show up I feel part of and for no explainable reason better. I forget that I need to take care of myself and put my sobriety first in order to show up for others! I needed that reminder so thank you….
Go, go, go Glennon – take care and thanks for sharing – I am inspired by your courage and strength
In your pain you are an inspiration. Your words, like daggers, cut Truth into the world. Don’t stop. We need you.
g,
thank you. your letter to maggie helped me understand. thank you for making me a better nurse to the patients who come to my floor who are struggling with addiction. you put into words what they can’t. they are shaking so bad, i bet they don’t even feel the ground under them.
xo,
rosemary
Yes – another nurse who feels the same way.
You, Glennon are more important than even your posts or your blog. Your family and children are counting on you to make the right choices that make you and your health a priority. Taking the step you did is the right thing which I can guess that you already know. What I do not think, is that you need more support from us. You have loads of that already. What I think you might need is more time to yourself and to “disconnect” from your thoughts for a while. Sometimes, you need yourself and that’s all. Heal well my angel. This online world will always demand more of you, and this may cause you to think you must demand more of yourself. I feel like giving you the permission (and BIG hugs!) to go ahead and let your self unravel. Go rest on Craig’s shoulder and lie there in his lap until you can’t lie there anymore. Sleep, rest and eat. Don’t type. Don’t think. Shut it all off and make sure that you continue to attend these important AA meetings.
We all understand that you cannot be here for us Monkees 24/7 on Momastery. At this time, you can really benefit from YOUR-mastery!
You are not just a Mom. (or head Monkee). You are a soul that is hurting. Sometimes, the healing is in the “space” between treatment.
All my light and love for your tender and open heart, anna xxx
Beautifully said, Anna. Ditto, ditto and ditto. Be well, Glennon, and take care of YOU the way you would take care of a dear friend who was feeling the way you are feeling. We will all be here. We are not going anywhere. You need to focus on you right now. With positive thoughts for strength, love and peace.
This reminded me of Anais Nin’s quote:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
—-
Blossom, Glennon.
Beautiful. This right here is why I love words.
You forgot “you try to make references to your multiple years of sobriety because….you just can’t be struggling like these people who just started. I mean, you have this figured out…you could be a sponsor for Heaven’s sake, except you really don’t have the emotional energy to devote to someone when you’re so wiped out being yourself…because you yourself are just so much for yourself to deal with”. I hope that doesn’t sound disrespectful but your post today really cut me to the core. I couldn’t have described my own situation better, so those are really my feelings. Yes….I can’t explain how right there with you I am. : ) 7 years sober and sometimes I wonder when it starts getting easy.
My thoughts exactly at 6+ years. I find though that part of the problem is that I don’t trust myself to be ok. Thanks for sharing
So proud of you, G. One day at a time, girl. God’s blessings on your journey. You can do hard things!
Anger. I know that’s something I need to face/deal with but it’s a hard one for me. Not sure why.
Glennon,
I am super proud of you. You are so brave. You can do hard things.
Camille
Hooray for you Glennon! You described so closely my own 1st time going to 12-step (for codependency, you should check that one out too someday; powerful stuff!). 4 years later the 12 steps and the program continue to transform my life. The promises are true and you will get there. Progress not perfection! Love you!
I hope you find a home at a 12 step meeting in your area. It took me awhile to find my home and I would like to think we’re a pretty “hip” bunch! I stopped going to meeting after a couple of years of sobriety because I thought having a husband and kids was enough and more of a priority. I recently found my way back to the rooms because I realized how spiritually sick i still am. I hope you find your serenity.
THANK YOU for giving me a glimpse into the life that my sister MAY be dealing with. She won’t share with me, but she is a recovering alcoholic who depends on meds…and she is on shaky ground.
Thanks for sharing.
I love you for it and love Kelle for sharing you with me.
Getting ready to head to my first spouse-support meeting. I’m scared silly.
I just put on my hoodie. In solidarity
Jennifer, i hope the meeting helped, much love!
Hope you found a safe place there Jennifer. They have helped me so so much. Sending love.
Oh thank God! You are a brave minority. I love real. I love raw. Not many in this world are willing to go there. I love the brutifulness of going there. It’s life and breath, imo.
There are natural ways to increase serotonin too. I haven’t tried an acupuncturist yet, but have considered it. I do lots of other crunchy things though!
It seems to work for me.
this is IT
this is real life Glennon…real life indeed
i love Ashely Judd, i have yet to read the book, but I will
life is sobering as times, it’s true…but swallowing, holding it all in…it is not what our bodies where created to do, it goes against the cellular structure of this temple that houses our souls…
I echo Ashley’s sentiments…either God is God or nothing
this is where is comes time to walk the walk
either we trust in the infinity of divine intervention or we don’t and we live according to which one we choose to believe
now don’t get me wrong
i am living a real life too
this morning I had a complete break down…a bawling kind of mascara smearing breakdown…my husband, well the look on his face said it all….anyways what brought me there was surrender, surrender to a situation I have no control over…surrender to something I don’t understand, surrender to something I wish was not so. And when I crack, when I broke open when it all washed out of me, I could then see the truth the suffering had to be removed.
anyways not sure why I am babbling on…perhaps because I worked to day and have not a a chance to talk this out and your story touched a cord within….
you’re beautiful
keep “keeping it real sister”
love and light
Cat
Glennon, before I got to the meeting part I was reading and I thought, “Glennon needs a meeting.” so proud of you. Today you admitted you needed it and that’s a whole lot of something, friend.
I, too, am so very APPRECIATIVE of your honesty, strength, and wisdom, and oh so much more. My hubby is an alcoholic, and hit rock bottom on March 15th, 2012. He has since then, not had a drink, gone to AA meetings, and had several appointments with a therapist, who said, “he is not chemically dependent,” but could be if he were to continue on the path he was on…. and thank you, Jesus, he has made much progress.
I know in my heart he is sorry, BUT, if any of you monkees out there have adivce for me…. ( and I know that I didn’t tell you what the rock bottom was…) I just do not want to go back, EVER. I think part of the fact is that he lied about the drinking, and so if you have any thoughts, advice, or words of wisdom, please reply.
Many thanks, and hugs to all……….
Go to alanon. That will help so much. It won’t tell you what to do but you will feel better
Thank you so much.
Yes yes go! To be among people who understand is amazing…!!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, Al-Anon is an essential part of my recovery/discovery spiritual journey – I plan to attend all the days of my life. i have always known God, but this program and the 12 steps have allowed me to enter into a true loving relationship and a desire to change myself in order to allow my life to be in sync with who God is making me to be. Al-Anon is truly a guide for healthy living and loving
Glennon, my dear, you are so incredibly brave to share the nakedness of your ANGER and I admire this brutiful-ness. I have struggled with gallbladder issues as of late and went through some testing this summer to find out that it (the gallbladder)just doesn’t work. The gallbladder is an organ that is associated with ANGER according to traditional chinese medicine and somehow everything has clicked into place. I had an aha moment the minute I googled TCM and the gallbladder. The liver is also associated with ANGER. I bring this up only because I want to work through my anger and of course let it go, not continue to stuff it down, release it but in a healthy productive non-harming way. Not sure if that is possible but working on it.
I was a yoga teacher and stopped teaching shortly after becoming pregnant with my now 5 1/2 year old. Yoga saved me from a destructive, ravaging eating disorder many years ago and I have returned to it full force recently only to feel like I’ve come home to a certain peace that has eluded me during my hiatus. Yoga is a powerful tool that works on the nervous system and balances it on a subtle level. I am guessing if you went to the acupuncturist you know about meridians or the energy channels in the body. I have been working with the liver and gallbladder meridians and i feel like I am not being as consumed by what usually grips so tightly. There is a small window of freedom from that gripping that is so sweet but in a subtle quiet way.
I wanted to suggest if you haven’t given yoga a chance, maybe do so. It could be a super tool in your recovery. Please don’t go for an intense practice because of your health history, but find a gentle/restorative sequence. It works wonders if you can give it a chance.
Much love and light to you on your journey. Thank you for sharing all you learn. xoxo
I’m so glad you went, Glennon, and I hope it helps. While AA and NA aren’t for everyone, they work for SO many people that there has to be something to it! And I believe some meds may be necessary, but if you can get off at least some of those pills, that could be a very good thing (funny–I mistyped? “good” as “God”).
Good for you! I am not an addict but I have lots of alcoholics in my family and one thing I know is that major life changes can often trigger your addictions. I was so surprised to learn you moved to Florida (because last I heard you were just considering it) and now you’re in a condo, not a house; your kids started school and they’re adjusting in their own ways; you’re in a whole new city, state and climate; and you’ve got loads of changes–albeit exciting ones!–on the horizon with the book and your recent Hollywood trip and the upcoming tour/signings. This is PLENNNNTTTY of stress for a non-addicted person to try and manage. But with your being in recovery, this is an enormous amount of change and it’s probably really fueling this feeling inside you. So good for you for identifying it and finding a new way to keep healing. That’s the very best you can do.
I read something once about how Americans are very focused on “fixing” whatever is wrong with us mentally/emotionally, and usually as fast as possible. We are among the most highly medicated in the world! And then I read how in Asian cultures, periods of sadness or depression are not viewed as something to “correct”–rather, they are the moments during which one should get quiet, meditate, maybe be alone, and really sit in the sadness and see it as a time of growth and change. This visual really stuck with me, it was a whole new way of seeing it. Being down or depressed or anxious isn’t something you have to quickly get out of like a car sinking to the bottom of a river or a cold you want to get over as soon as you can. Maybe it’s something you can sit through–something you SHOULD sit through–where you observe, experience it, process it, and then emerge on the other side. (Of course I know some people are seriously depressed and need help and by no means am I suggesting everyone just go “au naturel” on this!) I’m just saying that it sounds like you’re wondering how you might fare if you tried to manage your feelings without meds and I thought I would share this bit of insight. It’s helped me think differently about how I process difficult feelings.
Excellent points. Walking through it really is the only way to well, walk through it to the other side. Well said.
thank you so much. I need to look inside myself too. And most of all I need to remember that it doesn’t have to be it all. It is enough that it is something, that it is positive and that I started.
I love your honesty! Feelings are just that, Feelings, not the TRUTH. I have been in CELEBRATE RECOVERY at Saddleback church for years (I changed churches but same program)! It gave me back my life and sanity! Check out the website, they have them all over the world!
Celebrate Recovery is similar to AA, yet they acknowledge Christ as their higher power. You don’t have to be a Christian to go, seekers are loved on just as much:-)
Kris
Celebrate Recovery was a tool that God used to save me…from addiction…from a deteriorating marriage…from a cancer diagnosis.
I am sober, my marriage is restored and I have a clean bill of health.
Praise God!!!
Ah, the anger. Have you had your thyroid level checked? I actually thought I was losing my mind. Then for awhile attributed everything to menopause. Then my Dr. was smart enough to check my thyroid level (once I was smart enough to tell her my symptoms). And today I feel much better. MUCH BETTER. And now I know if I feel crazy and find myself crying in frustration and exhaustion, I’ll go get some blood drawn. And hold my breath when menopause does start and hope I don’t go crazy!
hang in there!
i love your honesty – and the way you communicate how it feels to be you – and the insight into those of us who are recovering/in recovery/in denial/addicted/not addicted/not admitting WE could possibly have a problem/whatever the problem…it gives insight into my own soul, and gives me greater compassion and understanding for those in a different place than me…and a humility to understand how easily we can all fall into a place of desparation. thank you for sharing your story and life with us….it feels as if I know you…and I am grateful for the glimpse into your life…and encouraged by the journey you are on…and I am so impressed with your bravery to up and move your family and follow your dreams. i hope Florida will be a real place of healing, physically, emotionally, spiritually…and that God – the true lover and Creator of YOU and all that makes you YOU…that He will redeem you and restore you and overwhelm you with the very presence of Himself. rich blessings to you. I love reading your story. thanks for sharing.
G. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
My lobster is in AA and has her recovery for over 10 years. To be honest, me living so far away and never having been close to her in our younger years, I never realized she had a problem. But now I can see such a change in her life and in her soul.
Its just about one day at a time.
I hope you will continue to post your experiences like today. Maybe I can understand my lobster more through you.
I don’t know why, and it must really suck, but I think God has called you to be his servant in all this, to share his love with the entire world through your suffering. I’m so sorry you have your pain. But this world is being transformed through it and through the sharing of your beautiful heart.
Thank you, everyday, for being such a blessing in my life.