Jun 272012
 

 

So, it’s 5am and I’m up after a looooong Lymie night. Leg pains and stomach pains and then tons of Alleve and then wicked heartburn from too much Alleve. I’m tired and confused and more than a little scared and lost.

But look, I’m here – I’m writing to you. I’m a little bleary eyed, but I’m here. Because we have to keep showing up for ourselves in the thick of things just to remind ourselves that we believe.  We don’t have to worry about being any good when we’re at our worst, we just have to keep trying. Because when people only show up at their best, it causes confusion and leads folks to believe that others are always strong, and sailing through life. That’s just not true. We gotta show ourselves when we’re all beat up and scarred, too. That’s what people need to see, much more than our shiny selves.

Can you tell I watched Soul Surfer for the fourteenth time last night? NEVER GETS OLD. Never, ever. It’s our family’s favorite. If you need a little inspiration, please watch it. At the risk of being grandiose, I know pronounce myself SOUL WRITER, since my body has decided to stop working. You may call me SW for short. Also, you will be happy to know that I have chosen a name for my parasite. Thank you for all of your amazing suggestions. I have settled upon Alejandro. I have no explanation for that decision. It’s just Alejandro. Thank you, Rebekah.

I need to give you some Monkee updates. First of all, this:

Claudia has her van. And I will cry as I write this but the first thing she did was get inside and have her friend and caregiver drive her to the airport to watch the planes land and take off. Why is that so brutiful? It just is.

Amy and Claudia logged 200 miles on the van the first weekend. She attended her son’s first 4-H meeting. She wasn’t able to be involved before –she had no way to make it there. And this might be the best news. She made it to her first doctor’s appointment in a long while and here is what she had to say about that.

“Thanks, Amanda. We put over 200 miles on the van since Sunday…. trip to Indy for the air show and again yesterday to go to the neurologist. Thank you all…bless you all… for giving me a life again! My neurologist says that I’m doing really well for someone with ALS and that the type of ALS I have (upper motor neuron dominant) is typically much slower to progress. All that means is that I will have more time to enjoy and be thankful for this great blessing.”

You did that. 5, 10, 15 dollars at a time- you changed Claudia’s life. Just by showing up! And by BELIEVING that your little offerings might make a difference. Loaves and fishes people, I’m telling you. Mindy update coming soon. It’s just as good.

 

Second update: I finished Carry On, Warrior.

You guys. I will cry again now. It was so hard. At first, I hated writing it. Because I was so used to writing to YOU that writing for the book felt different and strange. Like writing to no one. And I had to write about BIG BIG things in my life that I’d purposely never written about on the blog, because I didn’t understand them yet. BUT, I forgot that we don’t wait till we understand to write, we write so we can understand. I also remembered that I could just PRETEND to be writing directly to you- since I really was, anyway. And we finished it. We had twelve FINAL DRAFTS. The twelfth was the charm.

Now, when you are “done” with your book, what that really means in the publishing world is that you have one million more things to do and change and fix and create before you are really done. At which time you will receive your newest list of things to do to really be done. Like life.  But I’m done with Step One and we have to celebrate each Completed Step in life since we can’t ever REALLY be totally done till we’re dead. And we really shouldn’t wait to celebrate until then. SO — DONE, STEP ONE! Manuscript complete!  Every essay is there, as perfectly imperfect as each was meant to be. I wrote about all the things I thought I couldn’t write about. I just kept showing up and it GOT ITSELF DONE. I am starting to seriously believe that this is how it works. We don’t really have to DO anything. We just have to keep showing up and Letting Things Get Done. Except on days when we can’t show up because TOO HARD and that is just fine. Things will wait to get done. I had plenty of SORRY, TOO HARD days in there.

I really, really believe that you are going to love our book. It IS our book. I put every drop of myself in there and a whole lot of what I hope to one day be. I put all our love in it. I wrote the book I want my adult children to read and believe. I wrote the book I want YOUR children to read one day because I think it will help them breathe easier and LAUGH and open their eyes wider and be kinder to their beautiful selves and beautiful others. So that’s that. That’s something.

A few orders of business:

I’m getting more and more requests for Monkee See Monkee Do help in my inbox. We want to read every single one of your letters, but can’t unless you send your requests for help to: [email protected]. If you’d like to OFFER help, please send your message to: [email protected]. We have a team of Monkees who monitor that account. Otherwise it’s just me reading and reading and I tend to end up in the fetal position more often than is really acceptable as a grown woman. So if you’ve sent any requests to me during the past few months- please re-send to the above addresses.

What else? We don’t know what we’re going to do about moving yet. We’re thinking about taking a year Melton sabbatical in Florida. That idea still makes me want to tear out my heart and shove it down the garbage disposal because I know how many little things I’ll miss during Sister’s baby’s first year. But during the last 24 hours I have thought that there might be some blessings to that. I mean, I know you would NEVER believe this, but I tend to meddle. And maybe a first year without sister would help John and Sister rely upon each other more to keep this baby alive. That’s all we can do the first year, right?  I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I’m starting to relax a little about the whole decision, probably due to your prayers.

Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!

That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.

But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.

And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me.

Chase and I talked a lot about that idea last night. He agreed it makes sense, so that sort of solidified it for me, since Chase is the wisest in our family.

 

Anyway-I just wanted to know that Lyme and Alejandro are not going to take me down. When I woke up this morning- there were twenty encouraging messages in my inbox  (THANK YOU)! One from a fellow Lymie included this scripture.

“I choose to believe the present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory to be revealed in us.” Romans 8

You guys, I think I really believe that. Something down deep tells me that is TRUE. That this suffering is leading somewhere. Maybe even today- maybe even right NOW. Maybe someone is reading this and remembering that she doesn’t have to be perfect or even HEALTHY to live a beautiful life. That if she just continues to believe in herself, in whatever state she finds herself this morning – God will use her belief to reveal His Glory.

 

And for all my friends who don’t appreciate the Goddy talk. Let’s put it this way:

Keep showing up for yourself, in whatever little teeny ways you can  – and somehow-  it will be AMAZING.

 

I usually try very hard never to boss you around, but here comes some bossing:

Do NOT give up on yourself. If you don’t- I won’t. Deal?

 

I LOVE YOU. Thank you for coming here, to this place that brings me so much hope and joy.

 

Love G

 

 



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  157 Responses to “Not Worth Comparing”

  1. Awwww, I had missed this one….. another beautiful entry! Yea for Claudia, too!

  2. I read this on Jon Acuff’s blog one day. He says, “The success of God’s plans are not dependent on my ability to execute them. He will not be handcuffed by my failures or unleashed by my accomplishments. He is bigger than that.”
    I put that on my computer desktop where I see it every day. I find that so refreshing! There was a time many years ago when my hubby and I were deciding about a big move and stressing about making the wrong decision. A wise friend told us that as long as we were seeking to serve him, it didn’t matter which choice we made, he would be with us wherever we went. And I believe that is true for you too!

  3. G…. you must come to Florida …. Siesta Key (Sarasota) would be the most perfect fit. They also have the most amazing beach with sand that looks and feels like flour. I went ahead and looked around for you and found you a house (wink) … okay, so it might be a little extravagant but perhaps we Monkees can remind you that you are so deserving. I know a flash mob would prove you that! Orrrr…. maybe I should just email this onto your book people and they can foot the bill (heehee). Imagine how much healing (and writing) you could do here.

    http://pix360.org/2009/4315-mangrove/

    Much luv & well wishes …

  4. Glennon – There is a wonderful book titled, Light In The Wilderness by M. Catherine Thomas – I would send it to you but don’t know how – amazon it – you would love it! Prayers are with you – Lori

  5. I missed this post the day it came out and I thinkI wasn’t meant to see it until today. I have RA and Fibromyalgia. I hate them both. I’m in a pain flare right now. In bed in pain and mad at the world. Your words G reminded me to Carry On. So I’m here, I’m showing up. Oldest daughter is making lunch. Her, Youngest Daughter and I are going to have a picnic in my bed. They miss me. I don’t know how long this flare will last but I’m going to show up everyday no matter how hard it is or how little I accomplish. Thanks again G. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  6. ‘Morning! I’m not sure if I’ve passed on my Lyme resource of choice, but I will offer it now: Dr. Nader Solimon in Rockville, MD. His methods are non-invasive, and his remedies are completely homeopathic. After two weeks on the remedies he developed, I felt like my brain had gone from dial-up Internet to high-speed Internet once again.

    I’m happy to discuss further if you’d like, otherwise, congrats on completing one more step towards the book release! :)

  7. ‘Morning! I wanted to

  8. Tim Keller, a prolific and gifted minister in NYC who covers the societal context of what happens in the Bible and not just its passages, told us this (paraphrasing):

    We can’t screw up our lives. Not really. We make choices, and God leads us to where we need to be one way or another.”

    In other words, we’re not that cool. We’re not so powerful we can outrun God to the bad decisions in our everyday.

    If you leave, it will be the right choice. If you stay, it will be the right choice. They will just have different consequences that will eventually lead you to the same place. I think you already know where you need to be. Don’t over think. Sometimes you -know- in your gut without knowing the why. It’s okay to do what you need to do.

    You inspire me every day. Alejandro and all.

  9. Thanks for this post. Always am way too afraid of making the “wrong” life decision and I have felt boxed-in in the past.

    Hope that you feel better soon! One day at a time, right?

  10. Ponte Vedra Beach would be a great place for you to take your Florida sabbatical. Great schools too.

  11. About being scared to make the wrong life decision – remember that no matter what you decide, you always MAKE it work. Happiness is a state of mind, and I have faith you will choose to be happy. Choosing to be happy sounds so much easier while sitting on the beach sipping a margarita – don’t you agree? :)

  12. We write so we can understand. – Agree completely.

    Keep showing up. – Agree completely. (It’s called being faithful, isn’t it? And when we’re faithful in the small things, we’re entrusted with bigger ones.)

    Blessings.

  13. I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through with the disease but I have to say that the way you handle it and walk through it inspires me to face my own hard trials of life with the same perspective you have. I really appreciate what you share with us.

  14. Yay about the book, the monkey see monkey do updates-Claudia’s mobility, and your positive outlook toward hard things! Hugs!

  15. Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I missed my chiropractor appointment for my tendonitis because I could not find my keys. I have been cleaning my house and crying because my arms hurt and I can’t find my keys. My daughter is with her babysitter (so I could get to the chiro), so it is nice to be able to read your blog and feel better about just showing up today.
    Thank you.

  16. Enjoy reading your posts Glennon. Congrats on finishing the manuscript! Ironically I’m writing on being “enough” as well. Some may enjoy it http://therightvolume.com/lie-exposed-youre-not-enough/

  17. Glennon,
    I am new to your blog. I have been so inspired by your writngs, your heart.
    So sorry to hear about your illness.
    Much love ,
    Joyce

  18. and maybe, just maybe I was one of those people that really needed to read that today…thank you…fellow lymie, fellow mother, fellow human being

  19. dear g. i have started to write to you about 134 times but then always chicken out. not sure why. but i must today. my sweet husband of 25 years is in the middle of lyme and we have been on this scary and God questioning road for three years now. i believe we have finally found the doctor that can help and that my husband’s mind that is so full of bacteria and bugs that he just cannot think straight will begin to heal and return to is witty and working self. you are the first person to describe how he must feel…four steps behind i the conversation and when he gathers his thoughts enough, he is still unable to find some of the correct words. it has been the most humbling battle for him and us as a family. but God has provided and given guidance while i alone have to make HUGE decisions for our family.

    i am praying for you-your family and the fork in the road you are facing today. God promises to answer the faithful…his answer is there for you waiting to reveal itself.

    thanks for your love and honesty in the words that so sweetly tumble from heart. i need to hear them.

    blessings.
    chris

  20. It’s so awesome here!

  21. I don’t have a lot of words today. Just want you to know this is a very encouraging post and that I LOVE YOU! xoxo

  22. Hope you’re feeling better and pray you have many more good days than bad. I can’t tell you how powerfully and positively you have affected my life. Thank you for pushing through the pain and crud to produce something incredibly meaningful to me and to so many.
    -Maureen

  23. Today, no words G..(well okay that was 3 and a letter)…just love & prayers.
    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

  24. Love that van! Love you, too! I can’t wait to buy your book for everyone I know.

  25. Oh, mama. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers tonight.
    What a time. Speaking to your beach plans. We lived for 13 years within
    a three block walk to the beach (SC) . We moved further inland for all the right
    reasons, but we are all starving for our seaside, and plan a return move soon.
    There is such a healing,
    pleasant *vibe* close to the ocean. People are happier.
    Nobody looks funny at you for grocery shopping with sand in your
    hair. It is just easier. Sounds like you guys have decided to
    go for it, at least for a year. I know it must be so difficult to be
    away from your sister, but she wants you to be the healthiest, and happiest
    you can be, and the beach is gonna do good stuff for you.
    Besides, with all that bank youre gonna make from your AWESOME
    BOOK, you can use some as seed money for Monkee Airlines-
    Sister gets her own charter :) thank you for keeping on keeping on, and
    sharing and inspiring thru tough times.
    Hugs,
    E

  26. First, HUGE congrats on step 1 being done with the book. that is a HUGE accomplishment – yeah you!

    Second, I am so sorry to hear that the Lyme and Alejandro are making you feel crappy right now.

    Third – I think the idea of Florida is GREAT. You said something about “you FEEL better there right now”…..so I think you have to go with that. I moved from California to Boston and then NYC, and now I am back in CA. It feels like a scary “permanent” type of decision when moving to a different state -but it’s not. You can go there for 6months and if you are miserable there and missing sister too much, you move back. I know you want to be there to help sister and love sister’s baby, but it goes back to the “put on your own air mask first” Do what you need to do for yourself and then you can be there for others.

    You are amazing, and inspiring (even when you are feeling bad) and most importantly you are REAL and I love that ( as all of your readers do).

    Be gentle with yourself, things will work out.

  27. I read your blog religiously (altho I’m not religious, mostly just spiritual :)) but really felt like I needed to comment today just to say profoundly, deeply and lovingly, “Thank You”. You are an inspiration and everything you just wrote, I SO needed o hear today. You saved me from going deeper into my despair. And I thank your other comments bc I can see from what they share, I am not alone. Much love & healing to you Glennon.

  28. Oh my God the airport picture. The airport picture. THE AIRPORT PICTURE. That pretty much sums up everything you said.

  29. Glennon,

    Thank you for this posting. I suffer from a chronic illness and find your words very inspiring. My suggestion is to use the name you have built for yourself to generate a a high level conference on Lyme. get the biggest names in the field to give you the 411 on how at least to manage the symptoms and to move forward the research. perhaps God has given you a stage for another reason. use this opportunity.

  30. G – Congrats on finishing the manuscript!! That is awesome! I’m sorry to hear about your new health concerns but, hang in there girl. I know that you will be okay.

    I’ve learned that you can’t hope for your dreams to happen, YOU have to MAKE them happen. As I was recently told at a conference that if you want to ride a bike you can’t just say you want to ride a bike. You need to dress the part and make people believe that you are a bike rider. Then you will make it happen. (Hmmm…if any of you recognize that quote from a conference this past weekend, I hope you got home safely!)

    Make your dreams happen. I think you’ve earned a big check mark next to that one for finishing your manuscript.

    Make others dreams happen. We’ve all earned that check mark for making other peoples dreams happen via prayer and our generosity.

    Now I just need to work on making my dreams happen. There are three right now.

    1 & 2. Get my business going so that I can pay off our debt and go to Hawaii in 2014!
    3. Move my family to Amsterdam to live along side a canal and just soak in the worldliness. (Is that a word? Not sure.)

  31. not giving up. EVER.

    (how do you always manage to make me cry?)

  32. Praying for you! I’ve missed you!

  33. […] then it dawns on me, these aren’t real problems. Over my lunch I read a post by Glennon Melton on her suffering with Lyme Disease. And then I read an article about 4 local moms that have found support in each other after giving […]

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