**this is a MONKEE TOOTING ITS OWN HORN. Yes, it is. **
“The plain fact is that the world does not need more successful people, but it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as our culture has defined it.” – David Orr
Do you think this is true? My guess is that most of you Monkees do. It’s a Monkee-ish sort of thing to believe. I definitely believe it. I think that much of our work here at Momastery has to do with redefining success. What does a successful person look like to you? Picture her, please.
And since many of us are parents, it’s also helpful to consider what it means for our kids to be successful. What does a successful child look like to you? Picture him, please.
One of my best friends and I had a long talk recently regarding kid bragging. She asked me why I never spoke about my kids’ accomplishments, on the blog or on Facebook or even with her. She knows that Craig and I have a steadfast rule – no bragging to anyone except each other or the grandparents. We used to allow ourselves to brag to our sisters, but now that they have kids, they’re off limits too.
Basically, our rule means that we keep our mouths shut in public and then we talk in bed about how our kids are better than anyone else’s kids in the whole entire world.
My friend said that she thought this rule was a mistake. She explained that some of her happiest moments as a child were hearing her mother brag about her to her friends. She was afraid my kids were missing out on that childhood delight. She really made me think, because she’s one of my best friends and an incredible mom.
I think my friend brought up a really interesting point, and I don’t know what the right answer is. I do know that the decision Craig and I made was based upon two factors.
- Our children’s confidence in our unconditional love for them.
My parents were teachers, and they placed a lot of importance on good grades. I never got perfect grades. I wasn’t a genius, and I was very disorganized and not all that great at following directions. So I always felt like a bit of a failure at report card time, because I knew that to my parents, good grades meant success. So I felt unsuccessful. My parents weren’t proud of average grades- but lack of pride didn’t mean lack of love. I think that’s hard for a kid to understand, though. I think kids get pride and love mixed up all the time.
Craig and I don’t place a lot of emphasis on grades. Our kids do fine. We know they’re trying, so when we get their report cards we scan over the left side - the math, science, etc – and then we look harder the right side. The citizenship grades. While these grades certainly don’t equal success, we care about them more. We never do perfectly on that side, because no Melton really knows how to perfectly exhibit self control…but then again, perfection’s not what we’re going for. Things usually look pretty decent overall, so we give out some high fives, ask the kids if they’re proud of themselves, and get on to dinner. Sometimes we ask if there’s anything they’d like to work harder on next quarter. If they say yes, we ask them to write a note to their teacher explaining what grade they’re trying to raise, so the teacher can offer pointers and look out for improvement. Mostly, we feel grateful. Even when things could look better on that report, we feel grateful.
Moving from pride to gratitude is a small shift, but an important one to us. We’re grateful that so far, school is a safe place for them, that they can do the lion’s share of what they’re asked to do, that they are learning how to be good citizens. Grateful we got lucky enough to raise them in this country, during this time.
It’s like when I write an essay that I know is GOOD and I hit publish. Proud is not the right word to describe how I feel at that moment. Grateful is a better word. I feel grateful that God blessed me with another thing to say, and another nice way to say it. I feel grateful for the gifts of inspiration and time and health and energy that were necessary to get that essay done.
When I got the book deal, everyone said, “Aren’t you proud?” And my answer was no, not really. Because the book deal was something that was given to me, like grades are given. Sure, it can be argued that grades and book deals are earned, too – but all of that can be a bit arbitrary. For example, I know some fantastic writers who’ve never gotten a book deal and let us be clear that Snookie did get a book deal. She’s a New York Times Best Seller. SO.
And there are plenty of kids who coast and bring home straight As and plenty more who work their tails off and bring home Cs. So.
I’ll tell you what I AM proud of. I’m proud that I showed up at my computer everyday so God could do his work. I’m proud that I kept showing up, even when I was sick or tired or BLAH. I’m proud of that. That’s a choice I made and a discipline I kept.
And I’m proud of my kids for showing up. Whatever happens after that, whether they win a trophy or not, get an A or not, score ten goals or not – I probably won’t praise them much. High fives and hugs all around, but not too much praise, and not too much criticism. Because praise is really just the flip side of criticism. They’re both judgments. As soon as someone tells you how AWESOME you are at something, you immediately start worrying about what will happens if you stop being awesome at that thing. We all get pride mixed up with love.
So we tell our kids – there’s nothing you can do to make us love you anymore or any less. That was done and decided the second you born.
Anyway -If my kids are still living in my basement in their late thirties, we’ll know that my “redefinition” of success and lack of praise and criticism backfired. I’ll keep you updated.
The second reason we don’t brag about our kids:
Our love and respect for other parents.
Every time I see a friend’s Facebook post about their child’s straight As, it pings my heart a bit. Because I’ve been a teacher, and I know that for the vast majority of parents, report card night is a difficult and confusing one. Some kids try hard and still miss the mark. Parents wonder why. Parents worry that there’s something wrong with their kid, that they’re doing something wrong as a parent. It’s tough. And I fear that logging on to Facebook and seeing the all the public celebration might make that evening even tougher.
And every time I hear a friend talking about their child’s reading level or prowess in math or science fair state win, I feel a pang in my heart. Because I know that SOME mother in that group has a child who is dyslexic, or struggling hard with math, or is too painfully shy about her stuttering to present at the science fair.
And every time I see someone post about their child’s seven goals, I think about my mama friends at home, struggling with their children who have Lyme, or PANDAS, or cerebral palsy, whose kids have a hard time making it up the stairs much less up and down a soccer field.
And so our decision not to publicly brag is related to our belief that we are parents within a community of parents. And that parenting is hard, in different ways for every parent, and we don’t want to make it any harder. For us, it has to do with trying to live well in our places. To first, do no harm. Because we don’t parent in a vacuum.
Here’s when I admit that one time I did brag on facebook. Because once Tish came home from pre-school and told me that a new child had joined her class that day. She told me he looked lonely at recess. And so she left her group of girls, walked over to him and said, “Welcome to our school. Do you want to play with us?”
We couldn’t help it that time. We put her on our shoulders and marched around the house in a happy parade. We went out for dinner. I posted it on facebook. Because that is some SUCCESS, people. We can’t always control ourselves.
But before I posted it, I thought…will this hurt anyone? I thought not, so I indulged myself.
What are your thoughts? When does sharing become bragging? Is bragging okay? When is it not okay, in your opinion?
This is a tricky, tricky subject and must be handled with great care. Please remember that bragging Monkees are loved just as much as non-bragging Monkees, and EVERYONE gets a soft place to land here. Let’s speak openly but carefully, and talk about how this issue makes us feel, as mamas. No right answers, let’s just listen, learn and love.
Love You,
G
My mother was once accused by a sibling of being “so proud of your kids. You think they are so great.” She replied, “Of course I do. And I would hope you feel the same way about yours.” And with that she showed me that every parent should think their child is amazing…but that amazing should never equal better than.
Also, I think it’s also important to not that it is never okay to compliment one child at the expense of another (my kids may not be X, but at least he’s Y). This tends to happen comparing mainstream values (smarts, looks, athleticism) to character values. True – the pretty/smart/athletic child is no more valuable than the kind/artistic/gentle child…but he is also no LESS valuable. It’s bad enough that we do that to celebrities who are old enough and put themselves in a place of scrutiny by choice. Let’s not do it to kids who are generally just being who they are.
On the other hand, as a child who didn’t get a ton of parental praise (to my face) growing up, I nearly died of joy-overdose when people told me how my dad bragged about me to them. It made me yearn to live up to everything he ever said about me – because his praise was hard to come by.
One of my favorite things about your blog (and there are many) is that is makes me think. And right or wrong, at least I’m thinking. I am purposely choosing to be a good parent/wife/teacher/person. And I LOVE that everyone is right and our differences are celebrated. I’m a big fan of open questions that grow brain cells!
I really loved this post but, while agree with all the points, I disagree with the end decision not to brag. There are a lot of things that we don’t brag on for those exact reasons you listed but I also don’t want to miss the chance to celebrate someone’s success and certain achievements deserve to be recognized. When someone works hard to achieve something or shows remarkable character, I think showing that we value that is necessary. I would hate to think that my sister wouldn’t share with me some excellent thing that my neice did for fear that it would make me unhappy with regards to my own children and their abilities. Saying you can’t celebrate and brag because of other’s hardships, sparking feelings of jealousy or inadequacy stirs up that debate in my head of whether or not you can complain if someone else has it worse. I don’t mind if someone else’s child gets perfect scores on every test and reads at the age of 2 and wins every spelling bee and science fair and wants to tell me about it because I, quite simply, love my children more than enough if they never even come close to any of those things. And for all the parents out there who are raising children with limitations, I would hope that they celebrate all of their children’s achievements and success with as much fanfare – to me it isn’t the goal that’s reached but the effort, dedication and strength that it takes a child to get there.
You are so FULL of kindness, G! Love reading your posts and appreciate your point of view. I recently read an article (can’t remember where or why) that mentioned college athletes’ memories of what their parents said to them during games, etc. And, I think it could be used in many situations when our children are doing an activity, sport, or just playing with their friends or siblings. The line is, “I love watching you _____________”….what a few simple, profound words. I know it is true for me as I watch my child. Whether he hits the ball, runs hard around the bases or gets out, or makes new friends while in the outfield….what I love most, is watching him….watching him grow, make decisions, learn from others, and experience the world around him. Not sure if this fits the topic, but I thought I’d share…
Hmm…This is interesting to me because I would never brag about grades or goals on Facebook but it doesn’t bother me in the least when I see it done by other moms because I can see through it. It’s the moms that brag about the character stuff that I do have the pings to the heart about. Not because my child doesn’t do it…but because I feel like if we over praise that, it also becomes a matter of status and not done for the right reasons. The reason being because it’s what should be done in the first place. Then I see that same child as being the one that says “Wasn’t it nice for me to share my toy? Wasn’t it nice!!??” I think I’d rather that child say “Wow! I got 7 goals in the game last night!” at least then it wouldn’t really matter in the end.
A friend of mine wrote this fantastic essay titled, “Why I Stopped (okay, not entirely) Praising My Children.”
http://langdocs.com/2012/03/07/why-i-stopped-okay-not-entirely-praising-my-children/
In it she says this: “…praise is someone else’s judgement about who you are.”
That has made me think a whole lot about the way I raise my daughters. I don’t want them to believe that what I think, or what a boy thinks, or what their best friend, Suzy thinks is the most important thing—-and defines who they are.
I hope (and pray everyday) that their identity, who they are, will rest in the finished work of Christ, and that out of that—-they will love big—-because THAT is praise-worthy!
i think there are positives and negatives to every situation. in answer to your question “will this hurt anyone” if you apply the same line of thinking in your article, the friends’ parents your daughter was with at that time may be thinking “why wasnt my daughter the one welcoming the boy? did we not raise her to be a warm, caring, and inviting person?” as a parent, i certainly hope that our society is not so self-centered that we all cannot take joy in a child’s accomplishments–whether they are our child or not. i also hope everyone could agree that “accomplishment” has different meaning for each and every child AND parent. but if that how we have evolved, and we do go down the road of not praising our children publicly, we need to be careful of what this means in the future.
i almost feel like its part of human nature to love and want praise–it is kind of a self check that you are on the road you want to be on. i am sure when someone says you are a great writer, it makes you feel good, especially in a public forum. you have put a lot of time and effort into your craft and to be acknowledged that you are good at it, has to, on some level, make you feel good–like your hard work is paying off. to have this happen in a public forum in some ways validates that this person is being truthful and honest–they are not just saying that–which heightens the good feeling. as a child, you can apply your same argument in the post. how does a child feel when they hear other parents bragging publicly and their parent is not? can a child really understand the noble intentions behind not bragging? or, is there a part of them, even the smallest little part, that maybe questions why mommy and daddy will say all these great things in private, but never in public? what does that do to a child’s relationship with the parent and what does that do to a child’s self esteem?
what happens when that first boy comes along that maybe isnt a great catch, but he very publicly states her beauty, intelligence, his love, and his pride for the young lady and the young lady has never experienced such a feeling? said young lady is more likely to enter a negative relationship. as a parent, i have to ask, do i want my child seeking that attention from someone other than her parents, family, and close friends?
in a very ideal world, children would understand the complex concepts behind your great and admirable intentions above. but, in the real world of social overhaul, will they understand it? if so, will the embrace it and not look for praise in all the wrong places?
sorry, not a reply to your post!
I wonder if people just want to be seen and heard. They want to know that they’re visible and on someone’s radar.
During my 8th grade year, I fantastically flopped at a piano recital in front of several hundred people. It was humiliating. I cried. But the worst part was that my parents never acknowledged my pain. I remember walking out of the orchestra hall to the parking lot, wondering what they were thinking. My guess is they were trying to spare me more hurt by not drawing attention to it. But I wanted to know they were hurting WITH me. They never said a thing.
I think people “brag” and “complain” in an effort to connect somehow. Maybe it’s on me to receive their news graciously so they know they matter.
Is’nt it what we all do need ? Connecting ? Everytime, everywhere ? Isn’t it what makes us human ? What or who are we, if we are not connected with another ?
spot on Jana. spot on.
Mamas and Monkees and sisters,
Look women, it’s ok if another woman brags. It might mean she is trying to show off her awesomeness. It might mean she is desperately hungry for praise. It might mean she is rather clueless about the consequences of her words. In each case she needs something: Our gentleness. Our patience. Our praise. She’s far more likely to eventually get to maturity and thoughtful kindness if we are honestly mature, patient and kind.
As for bragging. I say shout “Bravo” at every chance you can, for every kid you can, in every way you can. Let go of envy and indulging in “feeling bad” when someone else shines. So someone else’s family has different God given gifts. Bravo. You and yours have some pretty great gifts too. Bravo.
Bravo aplenty. Bravo galore.
2 cents.
Love this! Bravo!
Me 2…Brava!
Lol! Love it, Bo. Adults have forgotten the “Ta-Da!”. Smiling here.
Definitely a good question! I believe in praise. And I believe in bragging with a loved one to share in the joy of your child’s accomplishment and to show your child how proud of them you are. Bragging to other mothers for competitive reasons, however, doesn’t seem to benefit, anyone, especially when it’s insensitive to other’s struggles. So, I guess it depends on the intention. When I read, “The Help,” one of the many parts that resonated with me was when Aibileen believes that whatever you say to a child becomes the truth to them. “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” I compliment my kids, praise them often, tell them that I love them and that I’m lucky to be their mom. I know at times that I can be hard on them, especially as a former teacher, so I think they deserve some praise. Whenever I receive praise as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, or teacher, it means a whole lot. So why have them second guess themselves? Glennon, whatever you are doing, saying, showing your kids is obviously working. They are amazing! ps-I don’t do Facebook, so I’m clueless to the virtual bragging that’s out there.
I have numerous thoughts on this topic and haven’t read all the comments and there is a chance no one will see mine but thought I would put in my 2 cents…
It makes me sad to imagine my sister not sharing the joys and her pride as a mother about her son or my other sister about her daughter. I want to hear those things and have never once seen them as bragging instead see them as sharing joy in mothering. I feel the same about my closest friends. I would be sad and hurt if they didn’t share the accomplishments of their children whether they are social or academic. Those things along with the lows and struggles make up who these little people are and I want to know them better. What would that say about me as a person if I wasn’t able to be happy for others in their joys.
As for bragging on FB, the people who are actually bragging rather than sharing are often those who also use facebook in ways that make me uncomfortable- sharing their every move especially those that can make others feel left out.
To me it is all about motive and when I share with my family or friends my children’s accomplishments it is purely out of joy and not ill will. Often things I most often share are those that surprise me because of previous struggles (my son finishing a race 4th when he was once 181 out of 181, my daughter’s social success in school when she previously struggled to make friends, and my other daughter’s creativity because she struggles with find motor things).
I am proud of my children’s accomplishments and who they are but I also see them as who they are both positive and negative. I don’t think they are perfect but I am sure proud of who they are and how hard we have worked to get them to where they are as little people.
Hi Andie , I can understand and conect with your point of view, XX
I think the idea is a good one, keeping in mind who your audience is when you talk about your children’s accomplishments.
But. I have to say, I think that balance with this (as with all things) is the key. Rules that include “always” or “never” that aren’t meant for extreme circumstances (like NEVER drink and drive, NEVER be a bully) make me cringe, because I do think there can be unintended consequences.
For example, a friend of mine NEVER tells his kids he is proud of them, instead he compliments them on their hard work or achievements, etc. Because when he was younger, his parents said they were proud all the time so he feels he tried to make them proud instead of finding his own interests. So he’s gone to the opposite end of the spectrum in hopes they will find their passion uninfluenced by their parents.
Which, those are the two ends of the spectrum, and he’s setting them up for issues of a different sort, right?
That’s a unique situation, but I think the same applies to the bragging. Making it a competitive sport is godawful and obnoxious, to be sure, but never mentioning what your kids are achieving? I can’t help but think that takes it a wee bit too far the other way.
I like it somewhere in the middle, personally.
If you can stand some company, I’m right in the middle with you.
I don’t have the answer, but I just love this delicious discussion about parenting and living with compassion. It’s so neat to have this here. Thanks for making me think.
I’ve never posted before but I’ve read several of your posts and have always really gotten so much out of them. But this one in particular speaks such real truth to me. I worry about the competitive nature of parenting these days (to frame this in its worst light) and what that is doing to our children. And both my husband and I are products of very loving and well-intentioned parents who create some scars on our souls from tactics such as the ones you describe (before FB of course). In any event, thank you again for speaking the truth so plainly, so clearly, and so kindly.
I completely agree!
This post reminded me of a silly little tradition in our family when the kids are small:
We ask the kids “Why do I love you?” They always answer with a wide variety. “You love me because I am nice.” “You love me because I am smart.” or whatever they want to brag about. We always agree. “You ARE nice, but that isn’t why we love you.” “You ARE smart, but that isn’t why I love you.”
The answer, at the end, is always the same. “I love you because you are mine. The rest is all just fluff.”
This. Is. Just. Beautiful.
Thank you.
Truly beautiful. Our baby turns 1 next week and I think we might have to borrow your tradition – such a special sentiment. Thanks for sharing!!
I’ve had a tradition of asking my baby “who loves you?” and she learned right away that the answer is “mama.” I’m not sure she is even old enough to understand the meaning of these words, but I want it to be engraved in her heart and mind, so that once she does understand what it means, the concept is always there!
i love this…i really really love this. i love your honesty, and the reasons behind it. i also love that it ignites my own thoughts and the reasons behind them.i grew up with a single mom who worked a lot. let’s just say that by nature, i have a flair for the dramatic…being alone a lot made it worse. i CRAVED her praise…i YEARNED for her to give me that Standing O after a dance routine, or to hear her telling her friends about my latest report card. she wasn’t that kind of mom, but i VOWED i would be. i would be that mom that NEVER missed an event and would be wearing the team colors with matching flip flops. so, was my mom just letting me be me? is it possible that she wasn’t INDIFFERENT to my accomplishments, but that she just wasn’t letting them define me? food for thought.
we have 5 kids…5 amazing kids, all amazing in their own way. 2 are those “perfect” kids and 2 are those “super sweet” kids, and the baby, is well…challenging.(not that we havent already planned her entire athletic future for her, but 21 months might be a little soon. ha.) anyway, the 2 oldest make perfect grades, excel in sports and are often praised for pretty much everything they do…it is them. it is just “expected” of them. the other 2, are precious…sweet, kind hearted…the kids that earn the “most respectful” and “kindest” award every year. while i am SO proud of those “character” awards and display them proudly, i have to admit…SHAMEFULLY admit!, that i will “brag for days” about a homerun or that “perfect 4.0″ …why is that? i have always taught them that it is more important to have a pretty heart over a pretty face…blah blah blah…so, does this mean i don’t believe that? that i’m a hypocrite? i know in my heart of hearts, that my sweet babies will ALL grow up (lord willing and in HIGH hopes that they don’t take to breaking all kinds of rules and laws just for fun like their mama) to be functioning adults in society and will hopefully make good spouses and parents…so why in the world do i get such PLEASURE when they do something EXTRAordinary when ordinary is perfectly fine?? isn’t it OK to have 5 completely, average, perfect ordinary kids that are HAPPY and BRAVE and KIND? of course it is…and i would TOTALLY be screaming that if one of my friends was asking me that about HER kid…HER perfectly ordinary kid. so why is it so hard for ME to accept that about MY perfectly ordinary kids? the ones with HUGE hearts and quirky senses of humor…I. AM. STRUGGLING with this! ..and do our “over achievers” secretly GRIMMACE when they hear us bragging about their latest achievement? do our other ones wish they were more like the other two, even though we constantly tell them how wonderful they are?
i have NEVER thought about the “other side”…the mama’s and daddy’s that will never cheer their baby on at a game, or see them walk across a stage to get that diploma. ashamedly, i am that mama that preaches about “trying harder” “give it 120%” and hoping that diploma is just the first of many they will receive. i am GOOD at “talking the talk”…i want my kids to be happy…grades aren’t everything…it’s JUST a game – big fat YEAH RIGHT! but ms. g…i gotta be better at “walking the walk”. thank you for showing me this perspective
I hear and appreciate your honesty. Good luck finding your way on this journey.
Last fall while I was going through a terribly awful time, I went through and defriended anyone who consistently made me feel bad – whether it was their fault or not. Some of the people I defriended were braggers. Normally I don’t begrudge someone the chance to brag about their perfect kid who gets straight As and wins awards and will almost certainly end up being a drug dealer or a pimp. (Ha!) But this was a matter of self-preservation at the time.
However, one of the things that I have struggled with from childhood on was the fact that I had no idea who I was, what my strengths and accomplishments were, what I was doing that was good and I should keep on doing. I mean, I’m talking about really basic things that anyone else who saw me would know, but because my parents didn’t praise, I was working in the dark. If there was something good about me, surely someone would have mentioned it, right? So I thought I didn’t get praise and my accomplishments weren’t celebrated because there was nothing to praise and my accomplishments weren’t worth celebrating. I became very unrealistic and hyper-critical of myself in response and it’s only now when I’m almost 40 that I’m starting to work my way out of it. Part of our jobs as parents is to hold up a mirror so our kids can see themselves. Part of that is pointing out the things that they have an aptitude for and letting them know when they’ve done something good that they should keep on doing. Which sometimes means praise.
With my own children, I do praise but carefully. Because I have 5 kids, it’s pretty easy for me to let my kids know that we’re all good in different ways. One kid has a great sense of humor that came naturally to her and another is developing a great sense of humor because that’s what he wants. Good grades are praised when there is hard work behind them. Good grades that they get by coasting are the source of some good natured poking and a reminder that a lot of people probably worked hard and got a crap grade, so be greatful that it came so easy this time. Bad grades are commiserated over when there is hard work behind them. Having a particular aptitude for something is brought to their attention as a possible path they might want to explore more. Praise might be too strong a word for it. It’s more like lots of positive feedback. I want them to look in the mirror and see themselves as they are – imperfectly wonderful.
I understand where you’re coming from in your non-bragging, but I’m just not coming from the same place. I believe that everyone should live their own lives and not compare themselves to others. Much harder to practice in reality, but I think it is something I strive for. If I “brag” about my beautiful little girl or how blessed we are to be pregnant for a second time with literally no trying, then I am just sharing my life. I know some people who have issues with the life they are living might be saddened by my happiness, but I can’t live my life in fear of how others perceive me or my actions.
I have friends who began trying to get pregnant before we got pregnant with our first and now two years later are still trying while we are celebrating our second pregnancy. If I don’t share my happiness because of how it might affect them then I am not being open and honest in sharing my life, my real life. If I am happy about something I express it. Just because I express good things in my life doesn’t mean that I can’t be sensitive to other people’s struggles. I just don’t think I should live my life in fear of how others view it.
In other words, if I feel like bragging a little I will. Why shouldn’t I when I have the smartest and most beautiful little girl in the world (not biased at all).
I totally appreciate where you’re coming from – and, as a woman who tried for years to get pregnant, I feel a little hurt, too. I celebrated my heart out with my first-ride-on-the-bus-and-pregnant friends, even as my heart broke each time they told me. The most heartfelt celebrating I could do was with a friend who told me gently, compassionately, and with recognition of my heartache in trying.
Share your life. Truthfully. Fully. And with the gentle, gracious recognition that sometimes your joy is someone else’s heartbreak.
Ah – Crystal, I think you’ve hit it spot on.
“Share your life. Truthfully. Fully. And with the gentle, gracious recognition that sometimes your joy is someone else’s heartbreak.”
Is it really ‘bragging’ if it comes from a place of celebration? Shouldn’t our kids hear us ‘celebrating’ their accomplishments? Bragging comes from a different place – darker. Of one-up-man-ship. With an ‘I’m better than you’ flavor that sours.
I loved this post – it was very thought provoking. It made me get clear, in my own mind, on the difference between ‘celebrating’ and ‘bragging.’
I love this! One of my children has Down syndrome. And I really believe that she can EXCEL at every single thing God values. But she can’t excel at many other things our culture values. Which has made me think a lot about what I value, and what I value for my other “typical” kids.
Funny how that works
Have you read the book, “Expecting Adam” by Martha Beck? It is a memoir about her pregnancy with her son who has Downs, and she talks about how his currency is love and people and has taught her and her family so many things about being their best selves. I just read it and LOVED it, if you like to read – a lot of good messages on seeing gifts and miracles where many may not see them
That’s an awesome book. So is Choosing NAIA. Thanks
I would like to add another thought…I am also a mom of a child with some special needs. My son has ADHD, and as a very little guy, we thought he may be on the Autism spectrum. Latest diagnosis comes down on the side of ADHD, but there are certainly ways in which he views the world a lot differently than the rest of the members of my family, and that can be a real challenge. As such, the triumphs I experience with my son are often different than those that people without kids with special needs may experience, but they are not less – they are just different. And then, sometimes they are the same. Parenting my son has been a challenge, but it has also made me a better mom, more open to different ways of approaching the world – there are so many aspects of it that are a gift. So you needn’t feel self-conscious when you are proud of your child’s accomplishments in my presence – I can relish in that with you without “feeling bad” about anything – even if it’s something my son will never do, because there are other things he WILL do that you may never understand, and that’s OK. Is that bragging? If not, this may be: Sometimes I can think, “how sad that everyone doesn’t see the little miracles that I get to see, that the things that are big for us are unnoticeable to most parents.”
I don’t feel bad at all when I see other people’s sons doing amazing things – I think it’s awesome to see any child excel in a way that makes him or her happy, whether it is “I am so proud that my child took a deep breath rather than blowing up in a frustrating situation today” or “I am so proud that my child scored a goal.” Both are skills that the kids were working on in which their hard work paid off, so both are worth celebrating.
All that said, I also stand by my previous comment that you are definitely on to something, Glennon, in the sense that unconditional love trumps praise. Someone else on this loop cited another blog that I posted on the Momastery Facebook page yesterday (it does seem an incredible coincidence) that was about telling your kids how happy you are to see them play/sing/whatever-it-is-they-are-doing-that-melts-your-heart-and-makes-them-happy. People need to know they are loved because they ARE. Because they simply exist
Great article – certainly spurring good discussion.
I see you, citing me for citing you…
Here’s the link Lisa C cited, that she’s now citing me for citing her for sharing this:
http://www.handsfreemama.com/?p=3770
Words are my favorite toys.
See ya…
me too
tee hee.
Glennon, your concern for those around you and for the larger community, even if it might deprive your child of a little pride-filled moment, is truly, truly wonderful and admirable. I wish there were more of that kind of thinking in the world. I think you are spot on about the bragging issue. For me, the reason I don’t like it is because it starts to make me feel more separate from the brag-ee, because it starts to feel dishonest. Here is an example — my sister in law tells me the ups and the downs of her children’s lives. Hooray, her older son made the team, and then oh dear, he got dumped by his girlfriend. That kind of thing. This is called sharing and brings people together, and I am eager to participate. But there are many people who simply provide a list of the glories without anything else — little Jenna won the medal, Kevin is so popular, Alison is so smart. Of course we know that every person and every family has their ups and downs, so it just starts to feel fake to me, which just creates distance. It is too bad. I feel like the ones who post every victory are often the ones who could really use a good heart to heart chat, but how can one get through that huge wall of accomplishments they proudly hold up to the world?
Great point – this is the same reason I am not a big fan of the “Christmas Newsletters” that some people send each year – my family has joked during more trying times that we should send out a newsletter about so-and-so’s impending divorce, and who is going to rehab, and the dog died, etc. just to keep it real. And I think you are right, that the biggest presenters are the ones who could really use a friend.
Lisa – so true on the Christmas letters!!
Yes! Those are a perfect example of what I am talking about!
Spot on! I think it’s about sharing all of life’s experiences, the good and the bad! Keeping it real, not presenting the perfect.
Wow, a fascinating post! Parent’s “bragging” about their kids can be in a few different categories? One is bragging about their choices. I think Glennon charing about Tish’s act of kindness is marvelous! Because it was based on a choice her child made, not on an innate talent that some may not be born with. Always brag about your child’s good heart! It’s important that they know how important kindness is to the world!
I admit I brag on facebook a lot about my baby, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t bother any other parents, because my baby was born with significant physical anomalies. I bragged that, at 18 months old she tested at having the fine motor control of a 3 year old, but I’m pretty sure that my friends celebrated with me, since they all know that she is missing fingers on both hands.
I get what Glennon means about not wanting to confuse her kids about her unconditional love though. I worry that my baby will grow up thinking that “cute” is a pre-req for my love because I seriously can’t help myself from exclaiming “you are so cute!” nearly every time I look at her!
I think that a lot of the bragging comes in the presentation of it. My 8year old daughter is a perfectionist through and through and she’s a lot like me and thrives on recognition and feedback. She’ll ask over and over and over again if we’re proud of something we did just to satisfy that internal craving. We’ve tried really hard though to point that pride where it should be -praising the effort instead of the work. A big thing with her is also to avoid any comparisons to anyone else but to compare where she is now to where she’s been and her personal progression. It’s been hard for her to accept it but she’s getting it at last and it’s made a lot of things easier.
As for bragging to other parents. That’s even trickier. I think that a major thing that I’ve found is that I might brag once in a while on what my kids have done. Mostly though I look for ways to compliment other people’s kids, which is easy to do. I love when I can celebrate with other parents because it makes me realize that we all have our ups and downs. All kids are amazing in their own ways and all kids are frustrating in their own ways. It’s just about respecting the individuality and loving each other no matter what.
PS – I’m so glad I’ve been able to find this monkee community! women helping women be the best we can! LOVE IT!
i think it’s also very important to remember that we all have different variations of the ”5 love languages”. if one person really craves those ”words of affirmation”, where another could care less because they are a ”physical touch” kind of person, there could be some damage done by lack of the words they need. just some more food for thought. that’s really good that you break it down for your daughter to understand that she is proud of her progression rather than ‘being better’ than another person.
I have not heard of the “5 love languages” but I was just thinking something along those same lines. That one of the most challenging things about parenting, is that sometimes the right thing to do, depends on the child. And you may not know what type of thing helps/hinders each particular child until they are much older. Ack!
Thank you, Glennon! I have two children: Daughter, who is in her early twenties, and Son who just turned 14.
With Daughter (from day one) I bragged, I touted, I made VERY big deals of every teensy weensy, positive accomplishment that came along…to my parents, to relatives, to the grocery store cashier, heck, even the toll booth collector on the highway… I missed out on my parents ever doing that for me, so I decided I’d not let Daughter miss out, and that I’d do it for her BIG.
As the years went by, I became less celebratory for all of her positive accomplishments. So many reasons why – she was getting older; it was embarrassing around her friends – not to mention how I lacked the energy to sustain it over time (not fair to her. yes. I wish I could change it.).
As she got older and more independent, she progressively pushed me further and further away, and pretty much right out of her life. There was always a growing disconnect between her and I, and I didn’t, for the life of me, understand it. I did everything I could to make sure she had what she wanted, material or not. I was exhausted at trying to keep her whims fulfilled, and still, she literally grew more and more disdainful.
Only today, after reading your post, do I really get it. My daughter did exactly what you mentioned: “We all get pride mixed up with love.” I see where she equated/s pride and approval as love – both towards herself from others, and from her towards others. Thank you so much for the words to help me understand. (Years of therapy could’t do it!). I’ll be having dinner with her tomorrow, and I definitely want to start this conversation with her. (Boy do I need to find some words!!!!)
On a separate note – with Son I simply practice ‘gratefulness’, like you and your husband, and he is more of a well-connected human than most adults that I know. Not bragging – promise – just offering a flicker of hope to any other self-diagnosed-crazy Monkees like me that you CAN pull it off! Oh – and to give proof that a (great) village really can make a difference, ’cause I can’t do it alone.
Thought provoking post. I think there’s a difference between bragging and sharing though. To brag is to boast or “to talk loudly in praise of oneself” Come on we all had at least one classmate growing up who was constantly one upping you on what they did or the new toy they got that no one else had. And they never seemed to be excited for anyone else or say good job . They were braggers & they weren’t loving back. Now they were just a child and sometimes that’s what kids do but as adults we can be that way too! There def comes a point when hearing about the same exact thing about someone else’s child over and over again can get annoying. But I also would never want a friend or loved one to feel like they couldn’t share good news with me! I think that’s where you as the parent need to be attentive to how you are sharing the good news & also how you are excited back when someone else has news to share. We can’t always be in control of how someone takes something. If they take offense to it they may need to work on their own charity of heart. I do agree that boasting about your kid in front of them all the time can make them to get too proud but at the same time never saying a word to them may cause them to wonder if they are doing things right. Moderation is the key word and also making sure you are sharing not bragging. I think it’s important to point out the things that kids can be in control of as well when sharing good news. Instead of saying my kid won the Tennis tournament she’s the best player in her school, say she worked really hard leading up to the tournament and this time it paid off.
What we share or “brag” reveals so much about our values. Glennon”bragged” about her child’s kindness. A friend of mine shares her daughter’s developing athletic talents as she delights in her daughter deveping a talent and interest that she nor her husband ever had. I noticed another friend brag about her four year old son’s creativity and intellect. But so many of her posts are about a sick daughter and I cannot help think that her sharing is a way of giving her son the attention that she felt she could not give during this three year battle with cancer. I see myself bragging about my second son’s rapid fire vocabulary and the “cute” things he says. I, too, do that, I think, to balance the enormous energy and resources that go into helping my older son navigate the scary world of autism. My son does not have cute things to say or athletic accomplishments or ways to express his creativity and intellect the way my friends’ children do, or even his little brother. It is a difficult sea to navigate. Perhaps the best bet is to think before we share and speak. Think about how our children might hear it and how others may hear it. No, we cannot be responsibile for what others hear or feel, but we are responsible for what we say and acknowledging our own reasons for saying it. Thank you, Glennon, for getting me to think a little deeper and starting the conversation.
Oh, and PS, I wouldn’t want any of the above mentioned friends to stop their sharing. I think the difference is a sense of delight rather than that “something else” that makes it annoying or even hurtful. I would miss their posts. I need to delight with them.
Whether you brag or don’t brag, I don’t believe you are any better or worse than the next person. People who “brag” may just be doing something that seems like it’s been discouraged – to celebrate their child’s accomplishment, OR, to celebrate a parenting accomplishment. Yes, a bragging friend may be off-putting, but all of us should be more forgiving. Parenting is the hardest job with the least monetary/conventional rewards. If praise and affection are the main compensation for this lifelong project, then the LEAST we can do as society (and parents) is to allow another parent to say “Look what great thing my kid did” or “Wow, look at my invention (child) that I have worked on for the past 4 years and how AWESOME it is and how great I worked”. Parents work HARD to teach their children good manners or skills in sports/activities, or to work hard to learn and achieve at school. Granted, any behavior in extreme is bad, but everyone needs to stop thinking that bragging or boasting is bad. Or stop judging or labeling the behavior at all. Just think of it as another parent who may have been insecure, scared, worried – and just got a parenting “raise” or a “promotion” and wants to tell their friends. And they tell their friends because they hope their friends will be HAPPY for them. Instead of just enjoying listening to other parents have “trouble” or “challenges”, how about all of us work on accepting when parents (and their kids) have accomplished something or had something great happen to them – instead of making it about our insecurities or making comparisons. Be a good friend and be happy for them. This is one of the hardest things for adults (and children) to do. Challenge yourself. And, don’t think you are better or more civilized or considerate not to be bragging. Because you still do it at night in your bed. You just deprive your friends and family from celebrating you and your family’s accomplishments. People truly want to be happy – and we really WANT to hear about happy and great things. So start sharing, and don’t feel bad. Just be sensitive to each recipient and give them credit that they can be happy for you, until you see otherwise. Then you can sensor.
I think it is like anything else from our childhoods. When we try to right a wrong that we feel that we were done, we inadvertently skew our own parenting. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you were that child that struggles with impulse control or has a natural mean streak, but got great grades or was super athletic, it might be harder to feel loved with this policy. It is similar to love languages, and might be different for each child. I, too, am proud of who my children are in the their interactions with others, and this gets the most pep talks from me when they stray off course. But, I also want to acknowledge all of the gifts that they have been blessed with, or work hard for. Not sharing pics or bragging on Facebook might be sensitive to others, but never sharing with the extended family or having your child overhear you say how hard they worked on an accomplishment – it might create a hole for them.
It also presumes that others can’t be happy for your children without being hurt, jealous, or comparing their own children to yours. It seems to make assumptions about their ability to have generosity of spirit.
I struggle with this too, a little bit, and with parenting there is no one right answer. It is still worth consideration.
I think you make a great point. Growing up with parents who were so afraid of making us “proud” that they never complimented us for anything, I was determined not to do that. So I constantly praise my boys for being smart/kind/brave/artistic. But I see it backfiring now with my oldest, who has become lazy and demanding and thinks we should all just be falling down to praise him as he passes by hehe. DH tries to fix that by offering him rewards for good grades or special merits, and that frustrates me. I don’t want him to think we will stop loving him if he falls behind. Besides, he’d rather be lazy and do without the reward.
I think your statement, “But before I posted it, I thought…will this hurt anyone? I thought not, so I indulged myself.” is a good rule to live by and kind of sums up the way I tend to do things as well. However, I also think that this mindset lends itself to overthinking each scenario and even then, not always realizing what may, or may not strike someone at hurtful. One never knows what may “hurt” someone else, even if the statement is seemingly benign.
For example, when I was pregnant with my first child we decided to be surprised by her gender at birth. As it tends to go, when making conversation with a stranger in public they would soon ask, “do you know if it’s a boy, or a girl?” when I would reply that we weren’t going to find out until the baby was born the stranger would typically gush with the reply “oh, it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s healthy!” which, of course, seems like a benign thing to say and I never responded negatively to anyone who said it. Instead, I just smiled and went about my business. However, I already knew that the baby I was carrying had a severe heart defect that would require life saving open heart surgery after birth. So, truly, it is hard to say with 100% confidence what may, or may not sound hurtful to another. At some point, we are all guilty of saying something that another might take offense to! However, I am not offended by my friends who speak about their kids athletic accomplishments even though my child has none. Everybody has their own talents and I am often impressed by the talents of others. That doesn’t diminish the talents of my children though. Does that make sense?
YES. It does. What an amazing story. How is your baby?
Although no longer a baby at 10 years…she is great! She is closely monitored by her cardiologist, still has ongoing medical needs/interventions (another heart catheterization & further stent placement coming up this summer) and will eventually need another open heart surgery to replace a donor artery/valve, but you would not be able to pick her out in a crowd of “healthy” children. Not bragging
…just saying that she appears well and is doing well given her complex condition. 
PS-off topic, but you asked about Austin the other day. As a native Austinite I give it two thumbs up! Yes, it can be brutally hot, but it has a great vibe…and there are plenty of ways to cool off when it gets too hot! We live in the suburbs of Austin and are close enough to enjoy all that the area has to offer.
“However, I also think that this mindset lends itself to overthinking each scenario and even then, not always realizing what may, or may not strike someone at hurtful. One never knows what may “hurt” someone else, even if the statement is seemingly benign.”
Yes. You said it so much better than I did!
Thanks! I just read your post and I think you said it quite well as well. The “intent” of what we say is definitely key!
Amen, sistah. As a parent of a kid with a severe heart issue too (Cardiomyopathy, which wasn’t dx until he was 4 months old) it always breaks my heart a little to hear people say, “as long as they’re healthy!”. This whole parenting thing is such a crapshoot. We all want a healthy kid, but sometimes it feels like they’re saying, “as long as they’re blonde!” or “as long as they’re smart!”. It’s all out of our control and to me, parenting is about taking what you’re given and just trying to roll with it as smoothly as possible. Hugs to you and your special heart muffin!
Jaime
There is only so much that we can control in our lives and our children and the way they were designed are the least of which we can!
Hugs to your heart baby too!
thanks for this comment about the ”healty baby” comment. i will try to remember that!
Your post really hit home today because “bragging” is a subject that has been very close to home for us lately. I always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t brag. I post silly stories but nothing like “hey my kid is great”. But we have been struggling with my 5 year old. Truly struggling, with me wanting to run away and nothing but daily tears for her all about school. After 6 months of struggling we agreed to testing. The results, a very high IQ and a label of “gifted”. I turned to my friends for support as I freaked out (and there is alot to freak out about). The same friends who have discussed every imaginable life circumstance and the group always stood together, until this subject. The responses to my post and plea for support were anything but supportive. My friend with a Down’s baby was hurt and another friend with an autistic child said I should be happy not struggling… but what both parents didn’t realize is that we are struggling with many of the same problems and symptoms as each other. So is bragging actual a matter of perspective? Can we truly know that another person is trying to say “I am (or my kid is) better than you” or are they simply saying “this is what is happening in my life right now.”
It takes a village to raise a child, or so they used to say. By not sharing are we taking that village away?
Samantha, I am very, very careful about who I share with about a very similar situation in our family, because unless you are the one experiencing it, it sounds like backhanded bragging. Just wanted you to know that I get it, and a book that has radically helped me is “Living with Intensity” – changed the way I experience my child and helped me not feel so alone in the challenges. Also the website Understanding the Emotional Needs of the Gifted – so many great resources there. You are not alone.
I am just starting to deal with the same issue with one of my children. It is hard not being able to share because I know it can be taken as “backhanded bragging”, but trying to weigh options and deciding what is best is hard to do inside a vacuum. I will definately be checking out the resources you posted.
Thank you Dena for your recommendations I will check those out!
I wish you’d been my mother, if only because you got your daughter tested early. My life could have been much different if I’d been tested and found to be ‘gifted’, and with a very high IQ, at age 5 instead of age 17, although I don’t know whether it would have turned out to be easier, or would have become a better life than the one I find myself living. By the time my mother decided to ‘make’ the school test me, I already knew that a) I was somehow smarter than almost everyone around me, and b) it didn’t matter, because my brain wouldn’t work in such a way that I could take advantage of any of its power.
So for me, it’s truly not bragging to say that I have an IQ that Is higher than the vast majority of the population (96th percentile, I think the form says. I don’t know where that report is, anymore); in fact, I HATE it. It actually pains me that your friend with the child with Down Syndrome was insulted by your complaint (I recognize that it wasn’t bragging at all), when you weren’t comparing your child to hers at all. Ironically, I have told my psychiatrist that I would instantly trade 1/2 of my IQ for a third copy of my 21st chromosome, because that genetic error (called Trisomy 21) is commonly called Down Syndrome. Many of the people with that ‘defect’ can claim two things I have never been able to claim: they can satisfactorily perform their duties at work, thus enabling them to KEEP a job, and many or most of them are HAPPY almost all the time.
(Trying to come to the point in a timely fashion, again:) People think that high intelligence always means greater ability, an easier life. It’s NOT true. And I don’t mean, “in cases like mine,” but ALWAYS. As a parent of a “brain,” you are under greater demand to challenge that little/giant mind, so she doesn’t get bored and frustrated and tune out her teachers. And you can’t let her get the idea that she’s some kind of ‘freak’ or that she’s ‘more special’ or ‘better’ than anyone else, either, even as she runs ahead of the crowd in math, science, language, or whatever. I’m doing some of that balancing act with my two girls now-my 7-year-old is reading far better than my 9-year-old is. I think the little one may be smarter than I am-and that is NOT bragging, it’s a scream of real fear, knowing the work I’ll have to do to support that without making her sister feel inferior or ‘less important’ as well as knowing the challenges and (I mean this–>) handicaps that a supposedly-above-average brain may inflict upon her.
I could go on, of course…
I am glad to hear I am not crazy in believe there are real fears in this situation! I am the mother of 5, so being sure that we keep everyone equal in this house is a trick. But we do talk about the each persons strengths, everyone has at least and none of them are better than the others they are just different!
I have kids with freakishly high IQs and they do come with their own, unique set of challenges sometimes. One day I was at the Y and I overheard two moms talking about their kids. The gist of the conversation was those moments when their kid had done something particularly well and for a moment they thought that it might be budding genius. It wasn’t reality, but how great would that be?
I wanted so badly to say, “it’s not as great as you’d think.” I did join Mensa (moms of gifted kids are almost ALWAYS gifted as well – it doesn’t come from no where) and it is so nice to have a safe place to talk about the challenges of gifted parenting.
I’m sorry that your friends weren’t able to be there for you. Giftedness is extremely misunderstood. One of my sons sometimes says, “if I could give away 30 IQ points, I’d do it in a heartbeat. That way I could be normal and not have people dislike me just for being me.” I have often felt the same. As you are learning, it’s not as great as you’d think. But there are definite rewards as well. I would also recommend picking up the book “The Gifted Adult”. The author does a good job of explaining what giftedness means in all of the important areas of life that aren’t school. I found it quite helpful.
i have a freakishly high IQ kiddo too, and she already is showing signs of extreme guilt. “mommy, when i pulled the toilet paper off of the roll, a tiny piece fell onto the floor, and when i finished going potty, i forgot to pick it up and throw it away, and i feel really bad about it.” oh, and this happened 2 months ago…and she’s just telling me about it. it’s been eating away at her for two months, and she’s just beside herself at being a “litterbug.” “and what if my teacher finds out? then i’ll have to move to yellow, and i can’t do that b/c that would be the worst!” and of course, i tell her it’s no big deal, and that someone else surely picked it up and threw it away, and all is right with the world. and she will still feel guilty. she is 5! 5 years old, and already so full of guilt if she doesn’t do something perfectly b/c her brain ‘always knows the answer.’ my heart breaks. and we aren’t sure how to deal with the exactly. we do not tell her she has to be “perfect!” just to be happy. because honestly, the smarts are there! i just want happiness and carefree joy for her 5 year old self. there are enough years to be stressed to bits and feel guilty! so i here ya girl! and will be getting the book!
I really enjoyed what you wrote – mostly because I am the mom who ALWAYS has the pang in her heart when other mom’s brag about how well their 2 year talks while mine struggles. That said it is a fine line. I agree with both sides. I am both sides. There is a time to share joy in one’s accomplishments (notice I didn’t say brag) and there is a time not too, or to do so very delicately. The common denominator? LOVE. Period. Love for your kids, love for yourself, love (and respect) for the people in your community. It doesn’t matter which side of the opinion you are on…as long as you love and respect all. As long as you are aware of when your bragging could hurt someone, intentionally or not.
Every night on FB I call my fellow Orange Rhinos to “Toot their Rhino Horn” to share their success or their struggle with not yelling at their kids. Every night I wonder, hmmm, am I demotivating some by sharing my success? Then I decide not because I am asking everyone to Toot their Rhino Horn, because any progress is worth tooting about. I hope I am right. It really is a fine line. Thanks for eloquently writing about it!
Thank you so much for leaving this comment as I have now discovered your blog and will be a regular reader. (already saved on my phone so I can get there in 2 clicks!)
…it makes me re-group and talk to my kids nicer and in a more positive manner which has a better chance of them getting it…and added bonus, it doesn’t destroy their spirit! … I read this and cried. I am a yeller. I don’t have 4 boys, just 2 girls, 5 and 3. I yell. More than I’d like to admit. I never realized (or maybe didn’t want to admit it) that I was destroying their spirit. And that’s not ok with me.
I started your challenge yesterday and am on day two of no yelling. Look forward to more of your writing.
G- I’m getting paper bags tomorrow probably a few! Thank you for hosting such a great place here.
Hi Star! So glad you have found my blog. Thank G! I read her blog and realized I needed more love in my life. She was part of the inspiration that got me going. I have now gone 79 days of not yelling, or as I like to say, 79 days of LOVING MORE. Keep up the good work! In my book, any moment when you choose to not yell is a win. Is a moment of loving more. G is right. Love totally wins
I look forward to reading about your success. Come toot your rhino horn on my FB page 
Thanks G for bringing us together!
Success IS tricky, you are right. Immediately, I picture business suits, and then my heart corrects me and says success is confidence in your strengths and weaknesses, actions from love not fear, and celebrations of learning from falling and getting back up.
I’ve never framed this in relationship to how I will teach my children. I don’t have a specific comment on when bragging is “right or wrong,” but similar to how you thought to yourself before your FB post,” Will this hurt anyone?” – I have been trying to stop my insecure verbal vomit, look around the circle and figure out why I NEED to tell a story about my child saying this or doing that. And then I try to frame they story into aCONVERSATION that we can all participate in. How is this relevant to us, to our spirits, to this place in life – this thing we share called motherhood. The same with the reverse, sometimes we feel the need to put down ourselves, our husbands and laugh about the shortcomings of our children. This, too, can be re-framed, made bigger and better in convo.
Bragging is a way to build our inner scared selves up – thanks for reminding us that a compliment is the same as a put down, simply a perception that has the tendency to turn into reality.
Love to you, G and all other monkees on this day of living life…
I like your tactic to pause and figure out why I need to tell the story, to reframe it into a conversation. Good thoughts!
What a thought provoking post! Ouch in someways!
I realized when reading it I have a “no-bragging rule”. But, in a horribly prideful way, I elevated myself as better because of this. Doh! I hate realized that I can be a jerk. But, also love it because my definition of success for my kids and mean is LOVING PEOPLE WELL. And, going around sub-consciously thinking I’m better because I don’t brag is disgusting. Thank you for revealing parts of myself I want to change!
This sparks a thought I have been wanting to write about, and may now reference you when I do – it is the grown-up thought of what we do to deserve love from others. I think you are on to something, Glennon. Two years ago, I had thyroid cancer, and after my surgery, it was really difficult to shift gears from being the central caretaker in my home to the one laid up in bed being taken care of. But I learned a really valuable lesson during that time – my family doesn’t love me because I do the laundry, or because I feed them and make sure they get to school on time or buy them presents – they love me because I am me. It was a lesson that was both frightening and a great relief. I know I loved hearing my parents tell me they were proud of me growing up, but it is really important that we make sure we balance that with showing our kids how much we love them just because they are who they are, just because they exist in the world. Learning that just being is enough to deserve love – that I am more than what I do or have done – has been a repetitive life lesson in several contexts. Might as well start teaching that early to my little ones, although I imagine they are going to have to figure it out on their own to some extent, too
Lisa,
Something you said here (“my family doesn’t love me because I do the laundry, etc…”) reminds me of a parenting course I took many years ago (Growing Kids God’s Way). They talked about people’s love language (Encouraging Words, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, Quality Time, Touch) and relating to others “in their language”) … so although your family definitely didn’t “need” you to do these things for them to perpetuate the love-cycle, it’s one of the ways that *you* show love, your love-language.
love @ “I am more than what I do or have done”
I have also read the book “The Five Love Languages” which applies to marriage (I am assuming you know it?) – it was a great read for both my husband and myself, who definitely look for different things in how we perceive love…funny that you peg me as a “service” person – the love I look for is “words” – which sounds easier in some respect, but actually is rather hard for those who don’t have big mouths like me
Hmm. I’m not sure how to say what I want to say… I don’t see anything wrong with celebrating your child. While I think it’s important to be sensitive to others, as long as what I’m saying is not being said with malice or ill intent – I cannot be expected to be reponsible for the feelings of everyone who may hear/read it.
ANYTHING can and will offend someone – we have no control over this. This post has most certainly offended some; some may take your story about Tish as bragging – but do you feel like you were bragging? Do you feel as though you shouldn’t have remarked on the wondrfully kind thing your child did?
The thing is, we are not all the same. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made – and DIFFERENT! That doesn’t mean better or worse – just different. I just don’t see what’s wrong with that.
Just wanted to clarify – wht evryone seems to be saying is not to “brag” because it could hurt omeone’s feelings. For example: your book. Now you were very clear that you are not bragging about this, but what if it hurt ME to hear about it? What if I really belive I have something to say, and I’m wondering where my book deal is? You have not intended to hurt me, but you have -but are you responsible for how I feel about that? No.
And for the record, this is just an example. I think you’re great, and good for you on the book deal!!
What’s the difference between this and jealousy ?
Exactly!
Of course, all different. I said “the same person”, but I meant we are all human beings with the same fundamental needs of love. You and I, we are different, but we can find a place where we agree to each other, and we can always find such a place with any other person. Sometimes we just have to search a little longer…
Ouch, too much comments to read them all, but you asked us for painting successful persons and children, so here I go.
A successfull person according to me is someone who does not think that he should be different from who he is to be happy. Someone who understands that happiness comes from the INSIDE to the OUTSIDE. Success, for me, means understanding the rules of that game we call Life. And playing it. Enjoying it. Someone who understand that we all are one, we’re all the same person… When one REALLY understands THIS, the golden rule, one will automatically live in complete harmony with others, because the others or myself, hum, what’s the difference ?
A successful kid, I think, is pretty much the same : it knows that he should better be nice to others, if he wants to be treated nice by THEM. A kid who have learned that any other person has the same value then himself.
That leads me to “what’s wrong about bragging”. I think there’s nothing wrong about saying “I am so proud of you/my work/my kid’s grades/etc !” . What’s wrong for me is to say “My kid/work/life/marriage/etc IS BETTER than your’s !”
I think we can tell our children “You are GOOD and I am proud of you” but we should take care not saying “You are BETTER than other kids”. Because, as you wrote it somewhere, and it’s true, everything we tell our children, they believe it.
Yes!
Thank you !
I’m with you on the Facebook posts about my kids’ accomplishments. Over the past few years, I’ve been in the midst of marriage rebuilding, which is hard hard work. What gave me a break, even momentarily, from that were things that made me laugh. So the things I share on Facebook about my kids are funny things they did or said that made me laugh and I think would make my friends laugh too. That’s enough for me.
Love this post. I too get both sides, but I think I will attempt to avoid bragging once my LO gets a bit older.
I belong to a google group of moms that is a place where moms go for advice. The biggest encouragement I get from being a part of that group is reading about the struggles of others. Moms (including myself) post their struggles, and other moms offer suggestions, encouragement, or simply share their own stories. It is so clear reading the topics and posts that all kids are different, and each family has its own struggles. Knowing I’m not the only one who struggles makes me feel more confident and reassured that my family is doing ok.
Interesting subject. I read your blog quit often but haven’t subscribed.
I would like to leave you with this. I am only now a mom for a couple of months but before her birth I did a course which opened another way of loving our children. Each of us has a unique personality and so do our Children. It is seperated in four catogories.
Each personality has its own set of how he unwinds, how he learns, how he measures success, how he loves. How he wants and is apologised to. The qualities that is not so strong and the qualities that make him a great person. Seeing what is important for that child. So if this child is a Outgoing personality (each one has more than one catogory, just there is always a dominant one usually) namebrand clothing will be important, having her hair done will be important. This will not be vain. This will be the heart of this person. I guess the point I am making, some kids find “bragging” as a form of love. Not all children are the same. Therefore treating our children differently and loving them according to their unique personality type (which changes with age) is what will make you show them security and love more sucessful.
is this a book? sounds similar to the color code by taylor hartman and i LOVE that book!
I read a few this post with anticipation as I normally do with your blog. This one made me think not just happy to have read. We have a 2 year old. And we work for a church. So the issue of bragging has been a hard one for me as a mother and part of a community. I can’t help but brag. My daughter is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. But I identify with your feelings of gratitude which is generally where I end up when bragging about her. And I’ve thought a lot about the whole unconditional love thing.
Unconditional love I don’t think has to do with bragging. I think it has to do with how we respond to our children in every respect. How we get angry at them when they annoy us, how they make us proud when they’re awesome and how when you look at them when they sleep they make your heart break just cause. All of these things make up our unconditional love and how it’s communicated to children. I think that praise of our children’s uniqueness and individual talents is important. That we know and value them as individuals. I also know that we have to correct our children. If we don’t they lose their resiliency for life. Which is really detrimental. To not know how to make a mistake and how to come back from that is a big thing.
As for community, I have found it more beneficial to brag about all the kids. I can’t stop others from commenting on my child. And mostly they’re right. Sometimes they suppose my child is super human cause she’s cute and her parents work at church. But, it just feels like there is something good and right in the world when you can turn a conversation praising one child into one praising all the children. Talking about how cute they are. How clever, how unique how amazing they all are. Because from my beautiful, perfect, headstrong, sometimes cranky, amazingly creative 2 year old to my beautiful, creative, loving Aspergers nephew….I think they’re all amazing. Because they’re all different and they all make the world a better place in their own way. And that’s worth commenting about.
I love your perspective and strategy!
I agree with no bragging – especially on FB!!! Love your children unconditionally-I’m a big supporter of that- but all your FB friends don’t need to know every last detail of your kid’s triumph of the day. And the woman who is struggling to have a child doesn’t eed to feel worse about her struggle and your friends without children can hear about it if you want to tell her if it comes up in conversation. Thanks for the great words G.
From a recoverying bragger…
So I just had a recent experience with a friend who had the guts and honesty to give me some feedback that she wasn’t too keen on how I had been greeting her or entering conversations. I heard her saying that how I greeted her had left her feeling a bit ambushed by me, rather than greeted…due to my uhm, bragging tendencies. After the initial sting and tenderness, I could see it. And I commited to being more mindful and deliberate about greeting her in such a way that she had a chance to warm up to me, so to speak.
But it did leave me feeling bummed, though. Bummed we seemed to be misfiring. My eagerness, my excitement, my enthusiasm is well, part of who I am…and it comes out of wanting to connect and share…to tell my friend that my son got the role of Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate factory or tell her”we did it!”–we road our bikes to the cemetary and back…me alone with the five kiddos…age 9,8,6,4,2 and we’re still alive!! We hit a new milestone. But rather than connect, it caused disconnect. It, after hearing from your perspective, just sounded like bragging. Not just bragging…but bragging and pouncing. I’m like Tigger in Winnie-the-Pooh. YUCK. So not what I meant it to be.
Anyhoo, in reflection, I think I assessed and processed that I am actually trying to quickly bring my friend up to speed, to share what has occurred, or what we have done–so that we can start talking from the same page. Almost as if I am trying to “jump-start” connecting. But I hear her when she says, we aren’t coming from the same place, the same page. I need to work harder to discover what page she is on. And I offer her my apologies. It is definitely a misfire.
I share this because perhaps we (recovering) braggers are tender about this dialog about bragging because perhaps we are sometimes misunderstood, perhaps we are misfiring. Perhaps braggers aren’t always bragging with negative intent, to compare, or put another down, or raise one up unfairly..perhaps it is with good intentions. Intentions to connect, to share, to find a common story. Perhaps our relational toolbox isn’t quite filled with enough tools yet …and we need grace and positive intent as we try to acquire the skills and tools to make authentic and genuine connections.
Or perhaps we toot our own horns sometimes…because we’re exhausted and depleted and want our own personal cheerleader to say you.can.do.this. The raising and keeping of kiddos is hard work. And, for me, it may seem at the end of the day, I do not have much to show for my day with 5 kiddos….the dishes are still piled up. I swear I washed them. The laundry is in a pile. I swear it is a different pile and the other pile got folded and put away. The legos are everywhere. Yeah, well the legos are always everywhere. Sigh. All in all, I jump and pounce on my poor friend walking by and share any accomplishment I can muster because she is a hope at connection with another adult…a hope of being visible in the day in and day out craziness of 24:7 parenting. Perhaps we can get past the initial misfire of bragging and just share our stories…and lift each other up.
I certainly pledge to be more mindful and deliberate of my bragging tendencies …I can see how it is a habit that can inadvertently cause disconnect rather than connection.
Yes yes and more yes. I thrive in social settings. Not the kind where you mingle and then move on to mingle some more and meet 100 people in one night that you will never remember (does anyone honestly like those kinds of relationships?). I could go all night and then on into the morning digging deeper into relationship…whether it is with one person or many. The best conversations are the ones where the joys trump the burdons. Where we may get on to a challenging topic and someone can interject with a very well placed experience of awesomeness that feeds a crowd with hope. I have no problem with “bragging” because it is NOT a judgement…it is not an endall decision of triumph or fail. It is merely an observation; a testimonial of a delighted witness. We are all too well aware that the bragger (admitted it not) has a truck loss of struggles behind the scenes as well. In fact, I would rather listen to a bragger than a whiner any day of the week. There are some MORE tactful ways to go about bragging, but I would never deny the simple human pleasure found in celebrating recognition. I have to admit I am so wishy washy when it comes to taking a stance on this sort of topic, because I personally deflect all of my credit to my creator. The TRUTH is, whatever brings you to realize the most unrestricted spiritual YOU, then that is what you need to tune into! I would never want a hard working mamma in her proudestf moments to have to pause and ask herself if she was going to offend me before she burst out her long awaited HALLELUJAH!” I say, “Go for it sister. Rejoice uninterupted! You have most certainly earned it!” Sometimes I say things out loud just to hear the beauty of it echoing right back to me. And then I muster up the guts to hit “submit”. We should all feel so priveledged to share in basking in the glory of each others stories.
Thank you, thank you for getting me!
And thank you, thank you for being a person that wants to hear the HALLELUJAH…sometimes I can only muster it in a whisper, sometimes I can shout it…but either way it is a gift to be heard, to have someone willing to receive the share. And to take it for what it is worth…and celebrate together.
Damn this post is well timed. Today the bourgeois hippie “Directress” of a fancy-ass Montessori preschool rejected Simon being there for a measly 6 week stint because of his “special problems”. I almost ripped her freaking macrame necklace off her chest. Mostly she was terrified that he was going to choke and (she literally made the motion of slitting her own throat) basically that would be the end of the school. And his fine motor skills. Because that is really important in a 6 week MONTESSORI class. SERIOUSLY?
Joe Schmoe at the park can say my kid has “special problems” and I might wince, but honestly, whateves. But the director of a program for kids with credentials up the yin yang, in the Bay Area should freaking know better. It’s “special needs” ya freaking moron! I’ll give her a “special problem”. For the love of…
I do get to brag about how gorgeous my kid is, even if the preschool teacher thought he was 2 1/2 instead of 4. Zoolander, baby. That’s what we’re going for. Zoolander.
*snarl*
Oh and he gives awesome hugs. And is funny as hell . Tonight I was informed Monkeys eat Matzo. In case you were wondering what they ate.
Thank goodness I now know what to feed them should the ‘Tiger who came to tea’* bring some monkey friends. The Montessori mama sounds just mean and thoughtless.
(*ace children’s book suitable for toddlers upwards)
Look into your heart when you brag about your kids, or even when you praise them privately for academic success. We’d like to believe we do these things for THEIR good, but sometimes our motives aren’t so pure. My husband is a doctor, largely because he had a mother who groomed him with her praise – he learned at a young age that he was a “good” person, a “good” son, because he earned “good” grades. Academic success is fine, but some of the highest achieving kids are sadly being driven by the conditional love of their parents. My husband is doing okay as a doctor, but he’d be happier if he had been secure enough in his parents’ love to choose his own path. I often wonder what he’d be doing if he had been raised to believe that his parents would be proud of him for simply working hard, versus proving that he’s “better” than his peers. As a parent, if you’re deriving your self worth from the accomplishments of your children, consider that your selfishness could rob them of long-term happiness. My husband and I have decided to praise our kids for their character qualities (including their work ethic!) which will universally serve them and others no matter what they choose to do in life.
I think that nuance and tone play a big part in this issue. Also, people’s own insecurities and hurts. You are right in that many things we say can hurt others unintentionally. It is good to be careful and sensitive; I think that this sentiment can be carried to extremes though with many topics. Eventually, we won’t talk about anything if we tiptoe around other’s feelings all the time. While obnoxious and competitive bragging is definitely offensive, I would echo many of the comments made here about verbally celebrating our children and sharing about them with those we love and trust. We can’t control how others will react to that, but we ourselves can be receptive and excited for our friend’s children’s achievements and successes and also be supportive and sensitive to struggles. No flaunting or walking on eggshells is needed where there is legitimate trust, friendship, and sensitivity. Research does show that praising effort rather than outcome and keeping praise immediate and specific has better outcomes for children than sweeping general praise which can come with some measure of expectation and pressure. It is a complex issue for sure, and one that I think you addressed with sensitivity.
I have a really, really hard time believing you don’t. Especially when advertised and written so easily and freely. And how you did it once, like mentioning you did it once, I am sure you have a hundred times lady. Sorry but there’s reality, and then there’s blogs.
I once took a class with people that were much more experienced than I am in a particular field, but I was passionate about the material and wanted the teacher and the other students to like me. I would raise my head and comment. Sometimes I’d think, “God, I’m a damn genius. The world should pay me more money.” Other times I’d think, “I’m an idiot. How could I be soooo stupid.” I continued to show up exactly as I am: half idiot/half genius and eventually the praise and the judgement faded away and I just felt connected. I think this is what you are talking about. Praise or bragging is a kind of trap. It’s not really about protecting others from our light, lest they feel less-than but it’s about that measuring stick we hold up to ourselves and our kids to determine value. It’s about the mind that constantly hums, “You are not enough” and the heroic battle we wage to compensate. Of course there are exceptions to everything, but I’d rather error on the side of unconditional love.
I think this was very nicely written and such a different and thoughtful perspective. This spoke to me on many levels. I hope to raise children who share in your sensitivity and kindness to others. I think this premise can be transferred to many areas of life, mothering, being a wife, employee etc. Comparison is the thief of joy and I find myself comparing myself, kids, life to that of “braggers” (on FB) and you’re right all I do is walk away feeling a little less than, a little envious and perhaps like I/we don’t measure up. It’s an ugly place to be. Thank you for this post, it was so insightful.
I think we are talking about two different issues. Having a rule to not brag to other adults is one thing. Being your child’s cheerleader is a another story. Unconditional love comes first, but we have to show them we recognize what they do well. If children don’t hear it from their parents, who knows who they will end up listening to? It scares me to think about the teen years of those who haven’t gotten enough positive reinforcement at home.
“Perception is Reality” has been the phrase of the year for me. I have finally come to the conclusion that I cannot be responsible for other people’s “perception” of things. How they “perceive” the things that I say and do is completely out of my hands. I can look two different people in the eyes and say “I love you” in the exact same tone of voice, and they could each perceive it differently (one could take me seriously and the other could think I’m being sarcastic based on 1. how they are feeling at the moment, 2. how well they (think) they know me, 3. what happened in the past when other people said ‘I love you” to them, etc. SOOOO, I have decided that the only thing I can be truly responsible for is the motif of my heart when I am doing or saying things. If I have pure motifs then I can have a clear conscience. For example, if I am telling my friend that my son got straight A’s on his report card because I am trying to boost his confidence as he listens from across the room, I feel OK about that. But if deep down I know that I am “bragging” because my son didn’t get invited to her son’s birthday party and I am secretly trying to get revenge on them, then shame on me. But either way, I am not responsible for how I am perceived by them. My friend could spend the rest of her life thinking that I told her about my son’s straight A’s because I think her son is dumb and I am conceited (that is just her “perception” and there’s nothing I can do about it)! I hope this makes sense. I am not surprised that this topic came up again today -it seems to be following me around:) I love everything that is being said here today and I am glad that we can hash this topic out together, safely.
Interesting points. My first time visiting, found you through a pin on pinterest. A couple thoughts. Though I find humility in your post, couldn’t one just easily be bragging about not being a braggart? And why would one view “bragging” posts as such or
take them so personally. I guess I don’t get it. As military family having
moved so much, I use fb, not to put anyone else’s child down, but to stay in touch. My friends and family are interested in what we are up to, our successes, accomplishments, joy, heartaches, struggles, etc. just as much as we
are interested in their families. If you use your child to put another person down, that is wrong. And there is a line which can be crossed by turning your child into a narcissist, but joy is part of life and we rejoice over good things and share those moments
with the people we love. If you are upset because another child cut a tooth before yours, or made a better grade, or told a funnier joke, then I think there is something just as wrong with that person as someone who brags. Rejoice with them that rejoice and weep with them that weep. We are missing much if it’s only acceptable to weep.
After thinking on this a few more minutes, I wanted to emphasize a point. The reason I felt you wrote about this subject with humility is because of how you presented the material. Your language reflects your attitude and heart. Certainly, one cannot argue that one could be boastful and prideful about their non-bragging parenting style. So, I think logically the same holds true for sharing your child’s successes. One can present it in a way that is simply sharing joy and celebrating, or one can present themselves inan arrogant, distasteful way. Discernment is key. Not sharing your child’s accomplishments because you don’t want
them to think their worth is based in a grade or their talent, etc. is about priorities and perspective, not about bragging. Does that make sense? If your children know you are just as excited over their hardworking resulting in an A, as you are about te thorough job they did cleaning the kitchen, or the care they took of a sick pet, or the time they prayed for someone, etc., they will have the right perspective and balance in life. I think balance is key. Swinging too far either direction, I think, can have negative consequences…like perhaps, making them overly sensitive to others simply sharing their joy, hiding their feelings because
“it’s not okay” to be thrilled with reaching goal, or not being emotionally able to be happy at another’s success. Just my thoughts.
“Comparison is the thief of joy” – Theodore Roosevelt (I think anyway). This quote has changed my thinking towards almost everything, but most importantly in relation to my son and other children. As a mom I want to feel safe in sharing something exciting my son did with those I’m close to and I want them to feel the same. I think once you become a mom to one child you kind of become a mom to all children. And if that’s the case then we must celebrate every achievement, big or small because they are all “our” babies and we are all in this together.
I am another recent arrival and have read your posts with great interest. They really make me think and rethink my stance on things. I don’t know why this is the one that pulled me in, but here it is!
I love the sensitivity you have for others. Sensitivity is not something I am naturally gifted with and have really had to work at and I still mess it up all.the.time. You really made me think about how bragging can be so detrimental to relationships. I think, for me, the tricky thing is what constitutes “bragging.” To me, “bragging” is over the top, declaring that someone or something is better than anyone or anything else. That is totally different than what I usually see and hear. Most FB posts I see are people sharing something that they’re really excited about. It’s not about “my kid’s better than your kid.” That is not to say that I haven’t felt a little bit of a sting when it’s something that my kid is NOT getting, yet, and I wonder if he should be. But, I’ve really been working on reminding myself that their excitement is just that – excitement. It’s not an attempt to belittle me or anyone else.
I think everyone has something to be proud of. Instead of never allowing people to celebrate any accomplishment, why can’t we just celebrate everyone’s accomplishments? I do not have a child with special needs, so I can’t understand that experience entirely, but I am a teacher and work with many special needs children. They have goals they work towards and deserved to be recognized for accomplishing them, as well.
I think any experience in life has the potential to hurt someone else. Announcing a pregnancy could be hurtful to someone who struggles with infertility. Should no one be allowed to share the joy of finding out they are pregnant? Or, would it make it okay if they struggled, too? Someone who is out of work should be able to share the excitement of finally finding a job, without fear of hurting someone’s feelings because another person still haven’t found a job. My son is very impulsive, so sometimes people’s comments about how kind and gentle their child is can sting a bit. Should no one be allowed to share about the kind act their child did? Absolutely not! We should celebrate with each other, just as we should support each other in the difficult things. Someone earlier mentioned community and I totally agree. Loving each other and caring for each other should happen in the good and the bad. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or that it will never cause angst.
I love, love, love the concept of being careful with each other, and heaven knows my mouth gets me into trouble so this is certainly an area in which I can improve. But, I think there is room to praise our families and friends without it being construed as bragging. It is important to consider the audience and to choose words appropriately, but I don’t think that means we should never mention something that is important or exciting to us.
Becky – I so connect with your post and feel the same way. Thanks for sharing these words!
Great comment. I think there is a time and place for being proud. It depends on the situation. But over all, less is probably more.
Welcome Becky! We are so happy to have you come be a Monkee with us!! Yay!!
Welcome Becky and well said! I very much agree with your comments.
Becky, I connected with your words as well. I don’t do a lot of “bragging” on my kids on Facebook, but I do from time to time…but it’s in the spirit of sharing good news…because I LOVE to also share in the good news my friends post. It’s hard living out of our home country and so far from those we love, and it makes me feel happy when people make the effort to share something cute their kids did or what milestones they are reaching…even if their kid is nominated to the NHS and none of mine have been, or they are being accepted to better colleges or whatever. I want to celebrate their children, too. I have friends all over the spectrum…some who are celebrating children who are geniuses or athletes…but I also have friends who are celebrating things like a 2 year old who is starting to stand after months of therapy, or a baby who is tolerating new seizure medicine…or a victory with an IEP. Or achieving hard-won potty training (although I don’t like reading about things that make me think of poop…but that may just be me). But I LOVE knowing that I also have friends cheering at my kids’ accomplishments, too…whatever those may be. (At least I hope they are cheering and not feeling that I’m saying, “My kid’s an Eagle Scout…beat that!” because that would just be sad.) Anyway, I don’t think sharing a child’s unsolicited kindness is any better or worse than sharing about good grades or soccer goals. If I have a child who struggles with a disability which makes empathy/self control difficult for them…might that also sting just as much? The world would be very sad if we could never share good news for fear of offense.
I am a mom and a special education teacher. I don’t like to get on facebook and read numerous comments about how wonderful someone’s child or children are. Some of the parents I know want to celebrate all of their child’s accomplishments. After a while the children just expect a parade every time they blow their nose. I know this may sound sarcastic but I have witnessed this time and time again. If we celebrate everything how can the children differentiate between the important and trivial achievements. The other issue I have with bragging is the pressure it puts on other parents. I laugh at all of the bumperstickers about children. In the school parking lot the cars that have multiple stickers about their cheerleader, swim team, mathlete, honor student usually belongs to the parent that is difficult to work with. After a while the parents start believing how wonderful their student is and how they are the smartest child any teacher has ever seen. This makes it hard for the child when they find out other children are gifted too.
As for my own children, I encourage them to try hard and be good citizens. I would rather have an average student and athlete, but an awesome citizen and friend. All of my children know they are loved no matter what they do in school.
Good points, Lori! Thanks.
Similar to your point here is a lesson I took from the movie, “The Incredibles:” Syndrome, the villain, talks about his plan to destroy ‘The Supers’ by mass-producing and selling his inventions-rocket boots so everyone can fly like superheroes, etc.-to the public so everyone can be like superheroes. Then he says, “And when everyone’s a Super-NO ONE WILL BE.”
If everything everyone does is treated as special, nothing is special at all anymore.
I taught Special Ed. and Elementary Ed. I was taught that for every correction or negative interaction with a child, it takes 10 positive interactions to balance the scale in a child’s mind. There have been numerous studies to support this. We had a saying in college, “Ten to one!” to remind ourselves to praise and be positive with kids as much as possible. These are the formative years, and as we have heard from many commenters, often parents don’t get the balance right. They praise too little or too much. I probably won’t get it exactly right either, but I try to stick to the research and remember the 10 to 1 rule.
I totally know the kind of parent you’re referring to Lori. Been there – seen that. You CAN get carried away and praise them when they haven’t earned the praise so that it begins to be meaningless to the child. You can also go so far as to NEVER correct them and ONLY praise, which brings upon itself a whole host of problems. It’s a tricky balance, but in my opinion, most parents (not all) don’t praise enough to make up for their negative interactions with their children. I personally work on this on a regular basis.
Thank you for this post Glennon. You beautifully put into words some thoughts that have been pinging around in my head for some time now. Parents who have never had their kids really struggle may not give sharing/bragging/celebrating their kids publicly (aka facebook) a 2nd thought. But when you’ve walked a mile in the shoes of a parent of a child who is different you KNOW how discouraging it can be to be reminded again and again the deficits your child has. Thank you. Love this space!
hmmm…I’m not sure what I think of this. There is definitely some blatant and inappropriate bragging on FB and it reeks of self-esteem issues. I do agree that the same way one should do unto others as you would have them do unto you, one should consider how their posts make others feel. However, I think a mom that is excited about something her kid did and wants others to be excited as well, can hope that others have a healthy enough self esteem to share the excitement rather than comparing or turning green with envy, and also hope that others know it to be true that everyone struggles with something! A post about something her kid is great at, certainly does not mean that the rest of their lives are perfect. Everyone has something they’re great at, and something(s) that they are not as good at as everyone else. My kid sucks at sports and anything remotely athletic, but when a friend posts about her kid who scored 6 goals, and her 2 yr old who is riding his bike without training wheels already (when my child 4 yrs his senior is not), I cheer for them! Knowing that this is their something that they’re great at! There is a thin line between bragging and sharing joy and excitement.
I SO agree with you! If people don’t like people sharing about their lives on FB, then maybe they should consider getting off FB. Or at least hiding or “unfriending” the people that are annoying them. A lot of people share things so grandparents and out of town relatives can share in their kids’ lives. I agree, it does reek of self-esteem issues on both sides.
Love the point that nothing your kids do can make you love them any more or less! I say take “Bragbook” with a grain of salt & quote Theodore Roosevelt daily, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” XO
Could it be interpreted that by holding back from celebrating our children’s accomplishments (or anyone’s really) in fear of offending someone, we are allowing those on the receiving end to be judgmental and jerky?
I hated report card time, all through school. I was a consistent source of my parents’ disappointment, and they made sure I knew that, because neither they nor anyone else knew that that response was not the helpful push they thought I needed, but was in fact merely a slap to the face of a boy who couldn’t figure a way around his problem any more than any of them could. Praise was unheard of, for me. I don’t think any of my siblings ever heard much of it, either, so I don’t really feel like I was treated much worse than any of them was, but I was the only one with what turned out later to be a genuine mental disorder (Perplexingly, ADD and ADHD are NOT defined as ‘learning disabilities.’ Yet.)
I think I completely agree with Glennon on the subject of bragging and judgement, which strikes me as a good plan in most any situation: her instincts are pretty remarkable, so I’m happy to try to follow her lead. I could certainly brag about my daughters, just as we all could. I don’t think I ever do, but I suppose I’d find examples of it if I thought about it.
Before I met my girls’ mother, a roommate and I once sat and thought up snarky, uproariously funny, and often quite obscene bumper stickers we could print up in response to the “My child is an Honor Student at [name your kids’ school] Elementary School.” One example we came up with that I can repeat here is, “My child bought crack from your honor student at…”, or, of course, “My kid sold crack to your…” Today’s post brought those memories back to me today for a reason, I think-because my roommate and I were both bothered by those stupid stickers for similar reasons. Neither he nor I were ever anywhere near the honor roll (Actually, I think I made honors for one quarter of my sophomore year in HS. I remember being floored at seeing one report card.), because neither of us was able to perform in class in step with the majority, or within the confines of the lesson plan. He had severe dyslexia, and is only able to write at all because his father taught him calligraphy-which forces you to focus minutely on building each letter of each word in careful steps. So, now his handwriting looks a bit like Chaucer’s, but NOTHING is misspelled. The thing was that, while neither of us ever had a chance at earning a scholarship, etc., we were both smart, decent kids-but we were taught that that wasn’t important. ANYway (rambling, again, Paul), as Glennon said here today, when you brag about your kid, you also judge him/her. And you judge mine. And you judge me, as the student I was and as the parent I am now.
Another Monkee has a better idea:
Just today, Lisa C Cadigan posted the following on Momastery’s Facebook page:
Thought all the Monkees would appreciate this – I know I did and will be adding these
http://www.handsfreemama.com/?p=3770
six words to my regular vocabulary
This is sheer genius, and an incredibly well-timed co-incidence. You don’t have to say, “I’m proud of you for…”, nor, “You should hear how great my kid did at [whatever] today.”
Just say how much you enjoy watching them doing things, and trying at things, and just being who and what they are, and what they are becoming. You can say it to them AND you can say it to anyone else. You don’t need to tell anyone how fantastic you think your kids are.
I edited my last sentence above to read, “You don’t need to tell anyone how fantastic you think your kids are, except your kids.” The edit didn’t stick, I just noticed.
I am so flattered to be cited
(sort of…not my blog, but my post 
This is a beautiful article. And such a healing sentiment that speaks to me on many many levels… thank you! <3
Your message today hit home for me. I feel like I am a bragger about my daughter, within stories about her. Meaning the intention is just telling a funny story but I still feel like I am bragging. I never wanted to be a bragging Momma but could not pinpoint why. I think you wrote what I think about why I don’t want to brag about my daughter. Her actions and words will speak for her. She is very much into princesses right now and I almost passed out when she exclaimed that she was not pretty because she was not “princessy.” I always try to tell her that I love her for HER and not for something she did or how pretty she is.
Thank you for sharing your point of view.
My son taught me this year how much bragging can hurt. And, I’ll admit–I’ve always bragged about my kids. I regret it.
Reading has proven to be a big struggle for my 1st grader. We (and I say “we”, because I put about as much effort into his learning as he did) worked hard enough to get through kindergarten on grade level. This year, earning enough “AR” (Accelerated Reading) points to earn a school baseball cap became a BIG DEAL. See, when you earn a hat, you can wear it to school on Fridays even though no other hats are allowed (school policy). Because I knew my son would be lucky to earn enough points by the end of first grade to earn a hat, I found that reward pretty unfair. Of course, I hurt for him knowing how hard he was working and how much he wanted to be successful. You see, this baseball cap has become a sign of a successful reader at his school. And your effort doesn’t necessarily correspond with your success. I wish I could count the hours he spent trying to read, rather than the number of points he actually earned by scoring the best he could on lower than grade-level books.
But, here is how my son changed my perspective of bragging. When I was agreeing with him one day that it didn’t seem fair that a student could wear his AR hat to school, he pointed out to me that “it’s like they’re bragging about what their talent is.” He’s right! Here I go bragging: he’s a great soccer player. He doesn’t get to wear a hat on Fridays that lets everyone know he’s good at soccer.
I think about your article “On Gifts and Talents” so often. It spoke volumes to me, and it made me cry more than once. Some kids may never be good at reading–they may never be good at anything scholastic. Some may never be good at sports or even be physically able to play sports. The fact is, everyone has their own gifts; and no matter how great or small they may be perceived by someone else, they’re a big deal in God’s eyes. In fact, He gave everyone their own unique gifts and talents to make the world go round just perfectly.
As a parent, I have felt like I need to make a big deal about things when my son does something well. Really, I’ve just set the bar too high for the time that he does just okay. So, I’m trying to re-do that mistake.
The bible tells us to be humble. Honestly, some of the people I admire the most are those who are most humble and who give all the credit to whom it ultimately belongs–God!
1 Peter 3:8
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
Love it. We aren’t all super athletes or super smart, but we can all work on being kind and loving and brave. I was smart and an athlete and was praised for those things. I would rather my kids know that I love them because they are amazing and loveable just the way they are whether or not they meet some arbitrary societal definition of success. They are all amazing. The only thing I ask of my kids is to do their best at whatever they do. They will be a success if they do that.
I do not like the word BRAG because it has the negative sound to it. I prefer CELEBRATE, and I celebrate all of my childrens accomplishments. Even the smallest thing to a really big event. What I am mindful of is if someone baits me into a situation where I am uncomfortable. It has never happened with my friends but I have had a friend of a friend who seemed to turn the conversation into a competition. At that point I will bow out quietly, it is never my intention to compare my children to any other children. But I love getting on facebook and seeing all of the great things my friends children are doing and I believe that they all enjoy the crazy things that come out of my childrens mouth. I believe all children have great accomplishments no matter their mental or physical capacity. While I may post how my son hit a home run a friend may post that her 21 year old son graduated from high school. He was born with major issues and she was told he wouldn’t live for more that a few hours, then days, then months. He is now 22 years old and while he will never get married or even move out she CELEBRATES all of his accomplishments.
I just became a parent in August and so this whole concept or bragging or not bragging is fairly new to me. I will say though that I have struggled with hearing other people talk about how wonderful their baby is and how they started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks or sitting at 5 months… Blah blah blah. I have an overly active 8 month old who still wants to nurse twice at night and has NEVER slept through the night. Now this may seem like nothing to most people, but when you’ve been deprived of sleep for 8 straight months it’s enough to make you feel irrationally furious. And I even find myself at times becoming upset at my daughter for not “acting like every other baby” when it isn’t her fault in the first place. All that to say I never want to cause anyone to stumble because of how “proud” I am of myself/child/husband etc.
For me, it was harder when my first was an infant and has become progressively easier. I think new moms all struggle and are quick to announce what their kids are doing in an effort to feel like they’re doing okay. I don’t think it occurs to them that they might be making someone else feel even less okay . . . but it has that effect all the same. I was so glad when my first got a little bigger and I had my second because it was only then that I started to feel like I was okay . . . that WE were okay . . . and I talked less about what my babies were doing and heard less from my peers about what theirs were doing. Hold on tight, Elaine, and I bet this situation will ease up. I hope it will!
Elaine, my first child did not sleep through the night until he was 16 months old. You are not alone. People really made me feel like it was something I was doing, instead of him being just a difficult baby. I used to look at others and wonder why mine was so hard. I would get upset at people whose kids slept . It does pass, really and truly. There are a couple of books by Dr. Sears that helped me…
So, if it helps, he is a wonderful caring 16 year old now. And he says that he only gave me 16 months of trouble while his little brothers are constant troubles!
Yes I had more babies…three and four were dream babies.
Thanks friends, so many times I feel like I’m just flailing around and I have no clue what the heck I’m doing, it’s reassuring to know at some point it does get easier.
This post by Glennon has been on my mind for days. Days. I eat, dream, sleep it. My husband keeps asking “what’s wrong?” and I can’t even put a finger on why it has me so entranced.
What you are saying really hit home for me. I’m that mom. I’m the one whose first child slept through the night from weeks on… and I tried to shyly say it if someone asked how he was sleeping. Then we had our second. And he LOVES TO EAT. LIKE ALL THE TIME. I was losing my mind. We knew it wouldn’t be the same (it’s SO hard as a parent not to compare… not as a judgement (even though I am clear that is how it becomes… and is surely heard by our children…) but it is because it is our only point of reference AS a parent. It is all we know.) We did not expect at 9 or 10 months to still be struggling with sleep. It did get better, tho – thank goodness!!
I think often, if I come across as bragging – it is really in a desperate attempt and search for validation… as a mother. I don’t get praise as a mother. I don’t get a “raise” (heck, I don’t even get paid…). I don’t get a performance review (thank goodness!) at 6 months or a year. I have no way to see where I stand. Oh, wait – I have happy, well adjusted kids. Two of them. But, I never take credit for that because I fear it really has nothing to do with me. Some days, I just want someone to literally give me a thumbs up and say I’m doing just fine… and keep on trucking. Isn’t that what we do here at Momastery? We support each other and encourage each other.
One thing I’ve noticed, while struggling with this post in my mind, is that we are quick to praise each other as mom’s when we’ve been through a struggle. We are quick to say “Carry On, Warrior” and “Sister On” when we admit we’ve had a bad day or survived something. So when we admit we’ve had a good day… why is that bragging???
I’m trying really hard not to come across as judgey here. I really have nothing figured out. I want to process all of this… I want to be a good mom. I want my kids to know their value lies in their hearts, not their accomplishments. I want to look back on my parenting years and be happy we all survived, and maybe even thrived.
Oh – and maybe we tell our son (who’s 3 on Monday) a little *too often* that we are proud of him… because this is a normal occurrence at our house:
Me: putting shoes on to go XYZ, or washing my hands, or doing any mundane task
K(son): (Clapping) Good job, Mommy! I proud you.
My husband says we should just enjoy that he’s proud of us now, because as a teenager we’ll likely just be a source of eye-rolling. Part of me feels good that he finds such joy in the little things, and recognizes them in others. The other part of me thinks I need to scale back on the “I’m proud of you” moments. Where’s my parenting manual….
I’m going to keep chewing on all of this… we’ll see if I ever reach any conclusions for myself…
Glennon, I loved what you said about citizenship and grades. I am a teacher. I teach 2nd grade. We spent ALMOST AN HOUR today talking–not about famous Americans, matter, lifecycles, magnets, or anything from the SOLS–but how to LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES AND YOUR HEART to other people (we’re reading 7 HABITS OF HAPPY KIDS) and one of the children just wasn’t wrapping their head around the idea of “seek first to understand, then be understood.” We spent an hour problem solving and figuring out a way as a class to solve the conflict du jour. I felt like an abject failure today because as usual we didn’t get to half of what we were supposed to. But reading your post was like a light to my soul telling me I made the right decision. We are raising citizens of the world. They can learn facts from a myriad of sources, but learning to love and respect others is just as–if not more–important. Thank you for bringing me a little more joy every time I read this blog.
WOW! What I give for more teachers like you in this world!
My parents always focused on grades as well. You know when I got my best grades? Beginning in 10th grade when I paid for all of my books (that was the year I transferred to a private high school). I continued to make great grades in college, working part-time and paying for my books and extra expenses.
I like what you said about balancing criticism and compliments. It is tricky as a parent. I try to tell my two sons (as well as my second grade students) how proud I am of them as often as possible. I think it is a great idea that Glennon shared to have kids write down their goals and then revisit them a little later to see how they’re doing. Even if goals aren’t met, it is a very important lesson for people to see how they tried to attain their goals to help set another goal for “next time”.
Just wanted to share…we were making acrostic poems with our first names the other day. I used my first name as an example and the class helped me fill it out. For one of the “Gs”, one of my students said, “Mrs. Pinto, write grateful. You are grateful”. I stopped, took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts. I thanked the little boy and told him that I am indeed grateful. Reading this tonight reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for.
Ahh,
I can not even begin to tell you the similarities you and I have…Im sure thats why your a success many can relate…but its much deeper and quite eery at times…..So just to touch base on the bragging….I (should I say we) feel exactly the same way…BUT I did just two days ago speak of exactly this to one of my dearest friends I said when there are God moments that my kids do .Im shouting it from rooftops ..I mean, I was a crazy girl from Brooklyn who just got saved 4 1/2 years ago whose 11 year old son remembers “her” quite clearly but less and less each day,in which I soo grateful for…
Anyways he just got a nook for Easter(which was supposed to have been his Christmas present BUT he didn’t get because he was caught in a few lies…..none the less it was the hardest parenting moment to date….anyway to make a long story longer …his nook yes, he got his email account set up and his first email was sent to me this weekend while I was away and it was his daily devotion!!! I bragged cried and got down on my knees for Gods incredible love for me and my family!!!
I agree. With everything. Actually had never articulated it that way exactly, but we pretty much do the same thing. And what you said helped me to think through how to do it better.
But, also, I think you would absolutely LOVE the children’s book “A Walk in the Rain with a Brain”. The point is that being smart is everybody’s measure of success nowadays, but that is wrong. Every child is talented in some way, like some post you had a while back (on gifts and talents?), and that your job is to figure out what your talent is. It’s a brilliant kid’s book.
While I understand where the overuse of bragging and intentionally rubbing something in can cause hurt, I just choose to ignore half of what is written if someone is over the top. I think if I am going to share the things that are real and not so great about my kids, i should also share the good things. I want to know when my friends’ kids do great stuff. If I didn’t care about their accomplishments, I wouldn’t be friends with them on Facebook.
I also believe in looking at myself and the problems I could have with envy when I compare houses, vacations, and other accomplishments with my own or my children’s. The envy is within me and shouldn’t be blamed on an other person’s behavior.
My daughter is 21. Taking the slow path from high school to music conservatory. Does it bother me that her cousins got into the colleges they wanted to go to on their first applications, and she was turned down by 8 music schools this year? No, because the two things don’t line up. Readiness for conservatory on the classical voice track is a much different timeline than readiness for Cal to study business, or to Pitt to study biology.
But, does it bother me that my older sister (no children) thinks we’re stupid for not making her give up her music dreams and go get a degree in business so she can “make a living”? Yep.
She had a non-standard education (Waldorf) all the way through high school, so I never compared her school achievements with others. No one outside of my group of Waldorf parent friends would understand half of them. And there’s no need to brag within that group, because all of us are clear-eyed about the things our children are good at, and that the ones who are ahead in a particular area always help those who are lagging behind. It’s just what the education is about.
For instance, starting in 4th grade, her teacher used to have them run “like a swarm of bees”. That is, they all had to stay together, but they didn’t all have to run at the same speed. The faster ones circled the slower group, just the way there are quicker bees that circle the swarm to keep it together. So the ones who needed more running around got it.
Her schooling was the perfect incubator for “everyone is good at something, and no one is good at everything.” Because the following students were almost never the same person:
The artist in woodworking. Or ceramics. Or coppersmithing.
1) The student who could carry a major role in the yearly class play.
2) The violinist who led the lower school orchestra 6th – 8th grades.
3) The painter whose oil studies of clouds looked like Constable at that age.
4) The artist whose tiny illustrations were completely detailed and near perfect.
5) The peace-maker who could defuse any situation, and get the whole class laughing and working together.
6) The natural-born chemist. Or biologist. Or physicist.
7) The natural mathematician — no matter what level of math the class was in.
9) The athlete.
10) The “big brother/sister” to all the littles (PreK on up) in the school, who was always followed by his/her little herd of ducklings.
And yet they all took part in each of those activities, at their various levels. Everyone played an instrument in the orchestra. Everyone drew, and painted. Everyone took part in every “academic” class. Everyone had a part, every year, in the class play — and usually there were so many good actors that there were two alternating casts, so everyone who wanted a big part got one. Everyone took part in class and individual “serving the world” projects every year.
And every one of those young adults can now look other people in the eyes, and pick up the work they’re given to do, and do it with a spring in their step, humming a tune. So I guess I’m bragging about a few hundred children that have come into our lives through this education. And they’re all as different as pebbles on a beach. And they’re all amazing, each in his/her own way.
Sorry for the long comment. Again.
And we never had vacations, because we were putting all of that money into this amazing education.
And apparently an 8 followed by a “)” turns into a yellow smiley, wearing sunglasses. Who knew?!?
I love me some Betsy.
Related question: Do you say to your children, “I’m proud of you”?
All the time. But I try to ask them if they’re proud of themselves. But I do.
As a mother to two beautiful children, one with a learning disability that is so frustrating for him this post really resonated with me. For me, I’m so proud of both of my children for their various gifts, I’m okay with praise it is never meant to hurt others.
Growing up in a family who cherished competitiveness I can relate and pray that I’m not a braggart. On accomplishment. I think that it’s different to compliment than to brag. Complementing even when it is done to a third party is done with care for the “successful” individual. But compliments aren’t doled out to compare, to criticize or to inflate the ego. It’s ok if there is something worthy of complimenting that you compliment ( a goal, a grade, an action, ect.) and call another person’s attention to without comparison. This could be a spouse, a grandparent or another parent if that is who is availible but (and this is a BIG but) the person complimented must always be in ear shot! This in my opinion teaches the child what we value as parents and how they are to measure success in the future. Compliments are Gods voice in others saying “that’s right, do that again”.
I disagree, and would like to point out a few things. The first is the concept of bragging. What defines a bragging comment in the mommy world? From what I have seen, if a mom makes a comment about her child and the mom on the receiving end thinks her child doesn’t measure up somehow, then she likely labels the comment as a brag. I believe the accomplishments of children are meant to be celebrated no matter how big/small or early/late they may be compared to someone or something else. It’s not about a measuring stick of any kind…its about acknowledging what a miracle each child is. I’ve been blessed with a bright son, but I have said it before and I’ll say it again, I would be just as proud of each of his accomplishments if he were as sharp as a bowling ball. I tend to believe that the people who read about my son have the personal growth and maturity to see that my comments come from a place of pure love for this child and from a good heart with good intentions. I WANT to celebrate EACH child’s accomplishment. Another child’s accomplishment has nothing at all to do with my son, and vice versa. I never have, and never will, use others’ words as a measuring stick for my own child.
I posted on this very topic here http://jennhearn.wordpress.com/2011/12/01/his-noggin-part-ii/
Great post Glennon! I love how you get right to the heart of things. The area that I struggle with is spiritual bragging. None of my three boys are choosing to walk with the Lord right now and when I hear “My son/daughter is so on fire for the Lord” it breaks my heart. I’m pretty sure that they aren’t saying those things to be hurtful but….it still hurts.
Sue,
as a daughter as well as a mother I am just so proud of you for giving your boys the choice. I feel like the relationship with God is such a personal one and sometimes there are stages in life where we have to come around to things on our own. I can assure you that giving your boys the love and acceptance to come to God on their own terms will make that relationship so much deeper than if they felt forced to do so. You are an amazing mother and your unconditional love of your boys regardless of their religious choices is a very Christian thing! Good for you, mama monkee.
Thank you Zarah. Your kind words made me cry. Read them over and over. Love to you!
i almost never comment on anything, but this…. this is gold. you are so right about this. and it’s such a reflection of God. because there’s nothing we can do to make Him love us any more or any less. HE KNOWS OUR HEARTS NO MATTER WHAT WE DO and He created us to love us despite all this. That’s the most important thing we can teach our kids. The are ALWAYS loved by Him despite their actions. Yeah… He’s big enough for that.
My Daughter is a cancer survivor who’s life saving treatment left her with ADHD, I didn’t grow up i the USA so i am not Grade motivated, I was asked in school when i for 3 years told them she had a problem was questioned my reasoning for wanting testing mearly because she was attaining F’s……. HELL NO she worked 12 hours on that report and got an F, we stick it on the fridge with pride it’s not the letter that count’s it’s the effort it took to get that grade. So now when people ask how is she doing in school I mearly say GREAT with pride. Even now as she is doing better, she tries harder than most children will ever have to try and that is all that count’s. Praise where praise is due.
The comparison trap is a person’s insecurities leading them to compare their own backstage to some one else’s moment in the spot light.
Awesome Job, Momma Rachel! All the effort your darling girl is putting forth is amazing! Supporting her in her efforts is the best thing you can do for her. Love and prayers for you and your family.
I love this Monkee community! So many comments say I need to think on this or thank you for making me think. So grateful to be part of a community where we can share our ideas respectfully and think about what we feel! Thanks to each of you for sharing and Glennon for this lovely, wonderful discussion!
Awesome article, and I’m bragging, because I don’t think this will hurt anyone. It’s never been a spoken rule at my house, but an unspoken kind of norm that we don’t brag, because so many others do. We let our children’s actions speak for themselves. They have both become, well one has, become a productive member of society. The other is well on his way. I had a daughter in the National Honor Society (not bragging, making a point), and a son with average grades. We were and still are as proud of him as we were of her. They both love the Lord, and worship Him with everything they have, and of that, I am most happy! Doing the happy dance.
Oooh, this is a tricky one! I have 2 kids at school, (so far, 2 more waiting for their turn!) and they are both very good with the academic side of school. I have a good friend, who’s kids are friends with my kids, whose kids struggle with the academics, but are very good at sports and athletics. I don’t brag about my kids great achievements, because I can understand how hard it must be to hear about if your kids are struggling. But if someone asks me how they’re doing, I’ll tell them honestly, and don’t try to minimise their achievements just in case it makes someone else feel better.
When my friend’s kids come first in all the running and swimming races, and my kids are either in the middle or towards the end, it does hurt, just a teeny bit. And my kids do complain that they never win and that their friends always do… and I try to point out the fact that they are good at some things, and their friends are good at other things, and that nobody is good at everything, so be happy for your friends, that they are good at sports!
It’s a hard balance to get right…
Oh, and can I just say that I LOVE the picture of the rabbits and carrots!
I love this. I’ll be talking to my husband tonight about your “no bragging” rule. We have a two year old and another one on the way. All of our friends have babies or toddlers and I constantly talk to him about the “Mommy Guilt” I feel every time we leave our group of friends, especially when it’s just me and the Moms together for a girl’s night. Now I’m starting to wonder if it’s really guilt or just a result of all the bragging we do. I’ve always tried not to judge others, but never considered that my own bragging IS a judgement, which makes so much sense because others’ braggin must be what makes me feel so judged. Thanks for the great post. It’s definitely food for thought.
Oh! AND I’m a fourth grade teacher, so I love your take on report cards/citizenship/success. Wish there were more parents like you
I admit that I am much more likely to criticize than praise when it comes to my girl. It’s probably because of my upbringing, which I try very hard not to inflict on my children. Unfortunately, it’s there. My girl has always been determined and headstrong. My intention has been to allow her to continue to be an independent person with her own goals and opinions. I’ll help her get where she is going without driving her towards the end result. Other parents have looked at me funny in many different situations. I don’t scream at her in public when she throws a tantrum, we simply leave. I don’t praise her in public when she does something that is required of her as a human being. She gets praise for doing the extraordinary. When she is kind, funny, and puts forth effort on her own behalf and that of others. I am not a bragger when it comes to her.
My little boy though….totally different story. he will truly live in my basement until he is thirty. He is my baby. My dad loved him soooooo much and bragged to everyone about him his whole little life. Then my dad got sick. I have probably over compensated a little where he is concerned. People constantly tell me how adorable he is, what a precious and mischievous little monkey, and how much they adore having him around. All of these things are wonderful. It has led to some difficulties, to say the least. He’s less grounded. His expectation that everything will work out if he is cute enough is so deeply ingrained that I’m not sure i will ever shake it. He knows nothing but praise and crumples at any criticism. Do other parents wonder why their kid isn’t as cute or loved? I suppose they might. Does it bother me? Not really.
Honestly, they are most likely the same people that wonder why I don’t publicly humiliate my daughter when she is a jerk. They look at their own kid and say “if you ever act like that, you won’t sit down for a week.” and move along with their feeling of superiority intact. Good for them. Am I jaded? Yes, Absolutely.
I agree with your take. My kids have strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures just like everyone else. In our house we try to celebrate things like when a child steps up and stops others from bullying another or like when your daughter invited someone to play who was new. I think building and shaping character is important.
I think kids should run on their own steam too because ultimately they have to set their own goals in life and decide for themselves wether they are living up to those goals. So report card time, I loved the way you said that you asked the kids if they wanted to improve anything and then empowered them to talk to their teachers to find out how to achieve those goals. That is a great life lesson.
Yes! I really liked that, too. Need to file that away – “is there anything you want to improve?”
I try to file things away it’s just that my brain sometimes can’t find those files later on. Getting old and being a mom are hard as my file system up there is getting kind of cluttered with misfiled items, lol.
But I love anything to do with empowering kids to take life by the horns thus teaching them how to take charge in their own lives.
Wow…I had to REALLY think about this one to understand how I felt before jotting down my thoughts. Here goes. Take it for what it’s worth. I was the product of parents who NEVER praised us as children and still don’t as adults. As a result, I tried to win their love by excelling in school and other areas. I over performed like a trained monkey and still nothing. I think this has jaded my life in so many ways and I never feel good enough as a parent, employee, daughter, sister, friend, etc. Just once I would have liked to hear my parents tell someone, especially me, that I had a gift to give the world. Now my husband will tell me what a great mom I am and I just can’t believe him. How could I be a good mom? I’ve never been good enough at anything else.
So now, I praise my children, but I believe in balance and moderation in EVERYTHING. For example, I have a daughter who is an exceptionally good student. It comes naturally to her and it energizes her to engage in learning. I take extra care to share with her that she’s got a gift for learning, but I also have careful conversations with her about things that she’s not good at. For instance,my girl couldn’t do a sommersault or cartwheel if her life depended on it. Her friends are tumbling all over the yard and there she is flopping around like a fish on a beach. Realizing it bothers her, I take the opportunity to parent her with a little advice that goes something like this.”Sweetie…you know we can’t all be good at everything…right? We all travel to this world with gifts in our suitcase that make us unique and special. You, my darling, didn’t pack your sommersaults and cart wheels, and that’s okay. You chose to bring other things in your suitcase, like reading, piano playing and a propensity to love every dog you come across.”
Somehow this makes the inability to do a sommersault seem not so important.
I want my kids to know that we all have gifts and they should be celebrated and valued as they make us unique and special in this world. These gifts can be used to help others, improve the world and live happy lives. We also have challenges or “opportunities” which help us to realize and appreciate other people’s accomplishments. When there’s a sting because someone’s “bragging”…I typically question why it stings. What is hurting in my own heart that makes me not value or find joy in someone elses success.
It’s all a balance. It’s okay to feel good about what your kids are doing and share it ON OCCASION with others, especially the child. How else will they ever know that they have a gift? Are they supposed to just know it?
Just my .02. Thanks again Glennon for a thought-provoking piece. Love it when I have to THINK about how I FEEL about stuff.
I love the suitcase thing, and will ‘steal’ it shamelessly…such a cool explanation!
also love the suitcase thing!
I don’t want to brag, but I’m the queen of analogies (according to my husband).
Leverage, steal, borrow, etc. As mom’s we have to use whatever we can put our hands on!
I’ve got a great “shoe” analogy too. Tried it on my kiddo the other day during a tough situation she was going through and she said “Mom, I FINALLY understand what you’re trying to say.” I sighed and then the angels in my head sang.
Sistertoo, I love your suitcase analogy! Love it! And it sounds to me like you are a fantastic Mom and person and are installing some wonderful foundations for your own kids! Sister On girl!!
I, too, will be borrowing the suitcase analogy when talking with my 3 kids! Thanks for sharing.
I had a similar upbringing as you. My parents never praised in efforts to keep us humble. In the end, I ended up trying to win their approval which went nowhere. I make sure to praise our daughter for her effort, good heart, and intelligence.
I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with your feeling that having a parent who is difficult to please will make the child over perform. That was my father. Now that we are grown I remember hearing him say “We never pushed out girls…” and I thought to myself, Are you Kidding ME?!?!?! But then thinking about it I couldn’t ever remember him saying anything to push us, and I was confused. Because I know I absolutely felt pushed to get the highest grades. Then reading Carolyn Hax once about “having a parent who is difficult to please” I realized, that was it. No matter how well I did, it was always met with just a lukewarm response. Which pushed me harder and harder to try to please him.
And whatever you do, never do this. Never Embellish the feat when you tell others about your kids’ accomplishment in front of the kid. I could never figure out why this made me feel so bad too (besides the obvious awkwardness when I had to explain to this stranger that it wasn’t exactly what my dad had said.) Then I realized it makes you feel that the Actual accomplishment wasn’t anything worth bragging about, and he had to embellish it in order for it to really be something.
Luckily my mom is amazing
I’ll never forget her telling me once how proud she was for me being the person that I am. One of the most wonderful things she ever said to me and I will definitely say it to my children. I already tell my 3 y/o that now.
I also love your suitcase analogy and will definitely use it too!
I think we grew up in the same house!!! HAHAHA.
Very thought-provoking! There is definitely a connection between bragging and competing, and between praise and criticism, but I think the lines that separate them depend in part on the perspective of the listener. I agree that we should consider the impact of our words on others, but only was far as we can reasonably expect them to have an impact.
As a mother of a child who worked her little tail off to overcome a speech problem, I often discussed her progress– with pride!– with people who were familiar with our situation. I did not shout but I did not whisper, and I also didn’t preface with a disclaimer on how I wasn’t bragging about her accomplishments so much as the hard work it took to get her there. I didn’t need to. My family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. knew the backstory because we talk about our lives. I sometimes felt pangs at hearing another baby was rockin’ the developmental stages, but I no more wish to live in a bubble of ignorant bliss than to keep my child there.
If someone overheard me, sans child, at work or the grocery store saying, “I’m so proud of her! She learned the sign language for ‘please’!” it might have been interpreted several ways. Maybe she was learning ASL because she couldn’t hear, or speak, or maybe her tiger mom signed her up for lessons every day between sailing and calligraphy. We all know assumptions are dangerous, and for me a practical line is drawn at attempting to tailor my message for people outside my target audience.
(If the world is your target audience, well then, good luck not stepping on any toes!)
I refer to Facebook as Bragbook. I completely agree with what you’ve written, although I must confess that I get caught up in the competition at times myself. It’s simply not healthy.
so true!
Love this! I also don’t brag about my three kids to anyone except grandparents. Having been on receiving end of conversation with many braggy mamas I vowed never to do it. Although, I was kind of proud of my nine year old who told her health teacher (who is teaching them about the dangers of alcohol) that “My mom said in Canada you don’t have to be 21 to drink”
What a great discussion. We acknowledge our kids’ accomplishments with in the family and “brag away” to the grandparents. But I don’t brag on my kids to other parents. One of my children is a gifted athlete, but I make it a point after the game to compliment other parents on the way their child contributed. I praise how the girls are growing as a team. And lots of the parents compliment my daughter as well. I think everyone leaves encouraged.
One thing we do as a family is celebrate in a big way when another adult compliments one of the children to us. It has to be a genuine unsolicited compliment. When we get home, we tell everyone what the adult said, and the child that was complimented gets to go out in the yard and choose a rock and come back and place it in a big glass jar in our living room. The kids work together and when the jar is full, we go out for a treat.
We laugh that one day it’s going to be a joke in our family that when they were little, we motivated them with rocks.
That’s just freaking brilliant, that jar of rocks.
Love the jar of rocks!!
You guys got me all inspired. Just wrote a blog post on motivating kids with rocks.
http://www.deathbygreatwall.com/2012/05/how-to-motivate-your-kids-using-rocks.html?showComment=1335899236253#c3628731170666662293
I share your concern about the bragging. I also wrote a little blog post about it. T
he interesting thing is the ones who is really applies to didn’t really read it like it just about had their names written all over it. Good for you and hopefully we’ll make a difference just a little.
Hi Glennon and other monkeys! This is my first time posting. And to be completely honest, I’m in love with this blog (not because of all of the mommy topics because I don’t even have any kids yet) but because of the life lessons and your beautiful/witty gift with words. AND most importantly – your brutal honesty about the good and the bad. You keep it real sistah – and that’s what keeps me coming back. However, all of the mommy topics and kid stories definitely make me look forward to motherhood someday
I do think the “bragging” though can be applied to life with or without kids. And also a think line between bragging, and just obnoxiously over-sharing. As someone above mentioned, I often look at vacation albums and turn jealous thinking about vacations that I wish I could take but can’t afford. And that is something that I’m working on for myself because I try and remind myself every day to be grateful for what I have and for my own experiences and to also be happy for my friends and their blessings and accomplishments.
However when it comes to children, I love it when my friends share great pictures and cute little stories on the ‘Book’, but when it comes to a blatant “brag” – I often wonder…I know their child is too young for Facebook, so who exactly did they post this for? Did it just make them feel better and make others feel less about themselves? And then it’s times like that that sometimes I wish facebook had a separate site for all things children.
And it always seems like it’s the same certain people that I notice are always trying portray their children/lives/marriages as “perfect” and not keeping it real that turns me off. Can’t we all just agree that no one’s lives are “perfect” and we should be there and be honest about the good and the bad, celebrate the blessings – support in hard times.
Olivia, I never noticed that. You are absolutely right. The people that post about their kids accomplishments ad nauseam are more likely to only have “perfect” pictures, and appropriate stories, and just the right tone to what they share. It’s more like setting a scene than real life experiences.
I like a lot of what you said. Feeling jealous when someone else posts pictures of their great vacation is not the person who posted it’s problem! It’s those who choose to react negatively. I happen to be a brutally honest person, but I have friends who work very hard at portraying perfection. They just aren’t in a place where they feel like they can show anything less than perfect. Some of them are doing it in a competitive way too. But I still have love for them. I can still be happy for them when they have success or one of their kids does something really great! It’s not our place to judge them, we should with love in our hearts be happy for them. When we feel less than it is OUR problem, not theirs. Oh, and about why people post things about their kids so much on FB – a lot of times it’s for the grandparents and family who live far away!
My parents were big into praise. Not so big into unconditional love. And yes, they have five children with bachelor’s degrees who appear relatively happy. HOWEVER, we all struggle with anxiety and emotional issues. My relative was praised repeatedly for her grades and then had a mental break down when she couldn’t get A’s at an Ivy League school. My child is smart as her genes dictate, but when she says she’s smart, I say “yes, you are,” but look at E. she has a really loving heart, or M. who is so much fun. The problem is that we brag about certain things and not others. I think we are also insecure about the fact that if we don’t judge and pass on our children’s every talent, they won’t understand that they’re special. That’s not true. Our child’s self worth is based on the fact we love them for who they are, not what they do.
Wow, Tina–the dichotomy between praise and unconditional love is incredibly poignant. This helps me understand better why, when my mother gushes on and on about what a great mother I am, I feel exactly nothing. It’s extraneous praise without any of the meat of real, unconditional love, the love without which I have struggled and STRIVED to feel as though I’m “enough”–worthwhile enough, valuable enough, contributing enough. Makes me want to poke out my eyeballs sometimes. Thanks for the clarification, and, by extension, the understanding of what is the best sort of love to give a child.
My mantra to my children, as far as schoolwork goes, has always been, “I don’t care what grades you get, as long as you are trying your best.” In life in general, I do praise my children for doing well at something, but I try to praise them more for “character” accomplishments, like trying something that they feel nervous about or for helping somebody or being kind.
I mostly agree with you about bragging… it can often leave other parents feeling less-than, especially if it is done insensitively. But I think in certain situations it can be okay to express to others our enthusiasm for the things our children have done. I do love that quote at the beginning of your post, though, about what success really is vs. what society currently defines it as.
I think it is a very good thing to praise your children and share their triumphs with others. They need to celebrate the things that they are good at and that they have accomplished! Just because someone else cannot measure up in that particular thing does not mean that they are LESS. The problem lies in comparing ourselves and OUR KIDS to others. The problem lies in the heart of the LISTENERS, not the person sharing. It is OK for us and our children to be good at something! For heaven’s sake, why must we all pretend to be mediocre or act almost like we’re ashamed when we excel at something? I was a teacher as well and I got tired of people in a way, bringing down those who really were excellent (at anything – sports, academics, whatever!) because it – God forbid – might hurt someone else’s feelings. Let’s not celebrate mediocrity and try to make everyone the same. Let’s find something to celebrate in EVERYONE. And instead of being offended or feeling bad at someone else’s (or their children’s) success, WE NEED TO LEARN TO CELEBRATE OTHER’S SUCCESSES AS IF IT WERE OUR OWN. THAT is love. THAT is kindness. THAT is something worth teaching our kids.
Matthew 5:15-16
“Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
so here, scripture is referring to allowing people to see our good works for themselves, not hear about them secondhand from us, right?
That’s how I read it, G.
Yes, I agree with that Glennon! I don’t think we should be afraid to share though, if circumstances call for it.
Additionally, I read the passage as letting others see the light or the good deeds for the sole purpose that God will be glorified for bestowing the gifts in the first place and for a display of his awesomeness. I think in bragging, the purpose of God being glorified can get lost some times. In those instances who is glorified? the child? the parents? food for thought
Hmmmm. And how is that light seen by others and glorified, if it is not shared in the first place?
Amen.
Thank you Lora for your perspective. I was starting to feel bad for “bragging” or “celebrating” my daughter’s triumphs until I read your comment. I agree with you completely. I used to be a teacher and I always did my best to praise all children for whatever gifts they were given. Sometimes there’s a bias towards popularity which is more acceptable than doing well academically, especially for girls. It is easier to win friends by acting dumb. People will get offended no matter what. I hope we can create a culture of acceptance of all the various gifts that people possess.
There is ALWAYS someone that can be offended by a statement. Glennon, while I, too, would be over-flowing with happiness at Tish’s preschool story, there definitely could have been someone hurt by it. What if they just got a call from their teacher that their child was the bully? Or if their child was one of the other girls who DIDN’T go up to the new boy? The point is that we all have moments of proudness that we want to share, and we should share. Kids need to have a goal to work towards. How else do we motivate our kids and show them that they are on the right path if we don’t give them some form of praise. Us parents have to stop reading other peoples praise for their children as a criticism of our own. Your post about how every child has a gift is something that we all need to recognize, master,and celebrate!!
I think praising the child is fine, i.e. “you did wonderful at” such and such. I think celebrating that they did wonderful is fine. I think when we start to talk about “being the best” or “doing the best” at something rather than just doing “your” best is when we are destructive. This implies competition amongst some group and could definitely hurt feelings. I have a hard time keeping this straight even with my four girls. They just need to be the best they can be. (Can you tell I was in the Army with that last comment!)
totally agree… that’s how we parent too. Nothing you can do can make us love you any more and nothing you can do can make us love you any less. Amen!
I agree 100% with what you’ve said!! I’m not a bragger either and when I hear other parents bragging it makes me doubt MY child and MYSELF a little, even though she’s doing great!
I love YOU and this blog
You say so many things that are in my head but don’t have an outlet. Reading this blog warms my heart…
I think this is VERY tricky. My daughter started reading before her 4th birthday. My husband and I only told our parents and siblings. Since no one knew she could read, it almost became a secret. Now that her other pals are reading (year and a half later) we are now encouraging her to read street signs, labels, etc. I think we hindered her progress by not letting her be who she is. Also, now that suddenly she is reading, all my friends are talking about when it starts, etc. It feels so condescending that I’ve had a reader for a year and didn’t say anything because I was ‘protecting’ my friends’ feelings.
I think as long as you aren’t inadvertently teaching your children to hide their gifts by not talking about them, then it is ok. There is a trap of teaching your kids to conform to the world and hide who they are so they don’t hurt people’s feelings by being better than they are at certain things. God doesn’t want us to put our light under a bushel (clearly I’m on Chapel team at preschool). When we compare ourselves to others we are either superior or inferior. I think the goal should be to find the positives in every child and person, not try to shield others from getting hurt. “bragging” to me comes from a prideful place with no humility. Jesus was above all else humble. Everything He did He gave credit to God. We are called to love one another. I think holding back and hiding information can be “unloving.”. With humility and love as the goal, I think it is okay to verbally encourage our children in a public manner.
My husband’s love language is words of affirmation, bragging about him in a public sphere is a way to love him well. Children with the same love language need the same affirmation to be loved well.
It’s all tricky. God loves us all now. Thank God He won’t leave us this way.
I’m in exactly the same boat with my daughter who was also reading before 4. You can’t talk about it for fear of offending and you can’t not talk about it for fear of offending. It is very tricky. How are we teaching kids who have a gift to excel when we hide behind others feelings. The problem lies much more on the receiving end.
I remember hearing how Christina Aguilera’s mother was asked to keep her from competing in the talent show when she was in elementary school because the other mothers were afraid it would make their children look bad. What good is it to give a false sense of accomplishment to the other children while deeply hurting one? Does anyone win in this case?
Reading Glennon’s post, I was immediately thinking about that, how my inclination has been to hide my daughter’s unusual giftedness because people would compare themselves to her. So what is the balance between hiding her special talents and tooting her horn?
If I post an article about giftedness on Facebook, for all of my friends with gifted children, am I blowing a horn and making all the people with normally intelligent children feel bad?
To be honest, having a profoundly gifted child has been an enormous project, and continues to challenge me every single day — so what some people may interpret as my “bragging” is just reaching out to other parents with this unique situation. More than one other mom has dumped me as a friend because my kid did everything first — walking, talking, having an imaginary friend… all the things that are impossible to hide.
So while we are bagging on the braggers, I think we ought to check ourselves a little, and pray for those with unusual athletic gifts, gifts of great beauty, great hair, perfect skin, people who look 25 when they are 50, effortless muscle tone, etc.. We’ve got to be able to withstand others’ gifts and accomplishments, as well as the pride of their baffled parents.
I’d be really, really sad if my sisters (and sister in law) didn’t feel like they could brag to me about my nieces and nephew. Their accomplishments bring me great joy.