Jan 112012
 
So.

 

I’m at the gym yesterday. I go to the gym all the time. My Lyme doesn’t permit me to work out anymore, but I would never allow a detail like that to keep me from free child care. So I drop off the kids in the nursery and I sit in the sauna and read. It’s exactly like hot yoga, without the hard parts of hot yoga that I resent, like the moving part and the not allowed to read during part. When I come out I am smarter. And warmer. And more peaceful. Actually I think it might be the best thing in the world. And now instead of meeting on the exercise bikes and sitting still and talking, Adrianne and I meet in the sauna and sit still and talk. And when we leave we are so sweaty that we even believe we’ve worked out.

Last week, following a particularly dramatic Mommy Meltdown, I bought some new workout clothes for my sauna exercise regimen.

Let me explain.

Once every week or so I have a breakdown during which I wail to Craig that for various reasons that I am too overwhelmed and despondent and incoherent to discuss in detail, my life is completely unmanageable.  We call it a Mommy Meltdown in our home. My friend, Erin, calls it a Caretaker Fatigue Attack. Either way, mine include lots of tears and dramatic phrases thrown around, my favorite of which is: I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.Craig once made the mistake of asking me what specifically the IT is that I am unable to TAKE, and let us just say that he will not make that mistake again.

IT IS LIFE! IT IS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, whatever. The point is, that as my meltdowns begin to wind down, I usually decide that the only thing that will improve my life is to leave the house ALONE – immediately – and buy lots of crap I cannot afford. I do not know why this is my solution, but when I arrive at whatever crap store my van drives to, there are always many other maniacal looking women also wandering the aisles aimlessly. So I’m convinced I’m not the only one who considers crap buying a viable solution to I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Anyway, last week on my crap trip I bought some new workout (sauna) clothes. One piece was a cute yoga top with major pads in the bra. PADS IN THE BRA. The irony of practicing yoga in order to connect with the universe and one’s inner self and find acceptance and self love in a padded bra is not lost on me. As a matter of fact, it is SO ME. So I bought two.

I wore my new boob-y top to the gym yesterday.

I did my time in the sauna, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet, so I went out to walk on the treadmill. I smiled at the lady next to me and noticed that she was sort of staring at me. I assumed what I always assume – that she recognized me from the blog. OR that maybe she was impressed by my huge boobs. I smiled humbly. The lady locked eyes with me and said, “Excuse me, your tag is still on.”

Please understand that for me, this is like someone saying, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” No biggie. I always leave my tags on. Taking them off is just one of those things with which I cannot be bothered. And since I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE quite often, I have a lot of tags.

I thanked the nice woman and then continued walking. Didn’t even look for the tag, didn’t even pretend to. I got 99 problems, lady, and a tag ain’t one.

Half hour later I’m back in the locker room preparing to get in the shower. Yes, I shower at the gym, too. I refuse to pick my children back up until we have reached the FULL TWO HOUR NURSERY MAXIMUM. If I arrive three minutes early, I wait outside the door and stare into space for three minutes.

So I walk past the locker room mirror and do a double take. Here’s the tag. Here’s the tag I was wearing, just like this, for my entire two hours at the very crowded gym.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there you have it.

 

 

You have a brutiful  day, Monkees- Old and New. Survive the chronos and carpe kairos.

 

 

Love,

G



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  188 Responses to “Whatever, Honestly”

  1. Thanks for providing this knowledgeable blog! And I am really impressed.so I want to share this blog with our friends….

  2. Hahahaha!! This is hilarious. Thank you for giving me a full belly laugh before I go to sleep and wake up to a crying child in the morning.

  3. I can say that i am not healthy anymore and i miss going into gym.In Finland where i work in a data analysis stuff i use to be busy whole day and don’t have a time to spend an hour on gym.By the way i am glad you share you story it inspired me again to lose weight.

  4. I’m right there with you girl I can’t believe what I buy after a meltdown.

  5. […] don’t know why shopping is the answer to meltdown’s, but I KNOW I’m not the only one. I drove to Home Goods and found the store full of women and babies. Screaming babies, naughty […]

  6. LOL!! Thanks for being so real and prompting a very real laugh inside of me. Just for the moment it feels good to feel real.

  7. I want to thank you for the beautiful shares.

  8. […] (One of my favorite mom posts of all time is Glennon Melton’s on Momastery about how she’d use the two hours of free childcare at her […]

  9. I just laughtd a real laugh for the first time in three days. Thank you

  10. It was a GOD THING reading your blog just now. I have had two very rough days here in the Stay At Home Mommihood….and I’VE HAD IT. I’m not someone whom typically feels sorry for themselves….but today I reached a new low. Your Blog was the bright spot in my day. Hoping it will help me to embrace and recharge so tomorrow can be a GREAT DAY for myself and my three kiddos. It truely was a GOD THING! Thank you for your warm & kind honesty.

  11. Oh my goodness. Laughing out loud at work is not a good thing. Shame on you for making me do that! :-)

    I really need to find a gym that has daycare. That is just awesome wrapped in even more awesome!

  12. Oh my lamb…I had surgery this morning and you have caused me to laugh myself into more pain! Love this one!!!

  13. Truly, you are coping! If you can laugh at yourself and mommyhood as you do and cause others to smile and laugh, you have it, Sweetie! And that grump who said this and that about how you must be sooo unhappy, probably never left the house to see the world anew! A friend sent this to me. I will be back! I love it and your tags! :)) Keep it up, Glennon!! Been there and done that, KK

  14. […] Getting outside didn’t do the trick?  Still need a good laugh?  Read this.  I had tears running down my cheeks.  […]

  15. Free child care, warmth, and a book – now that is my kind of “workout”!! And the tag? Brutiful, just brutiful! Think of the joy you spread that day …

  16. I linked to your blog from facebook. I liked your comment about going to the “crap” store. I work in a crap store and watch those same women going around looking at crap…all day. And on top of this, while they are shopping, I am shopping too because I am working in a crap store. Very nicely put. Bravo.

  17. […] a few of the posts that have had me laughing til it hurt: Top Three Embarrassing Pediatric Visits, Whatever, Honestly, Closer to Fine, Airing Our Dirty Laundry, and Dharma and Craig (and the list could go on)… […]

  18. I just found you blog today and I have greatly enjoyed traveling back through your posts and ‘catching up’. I had to stop and comment on this one, though, because it make me laugh out loud! Thank you for your refreshing candor and allowing us a peak into your life, not to mention a laugh or two!

  19. I am a crap buyer, too….

  20. I think the worst thing any husband can ask is the dreaded “Is it that time of the month?” No, dear, I am always a bitch.

  21. TOO funny…and I am one of those women you see wandering the aisles aimlessly when “I just cant take it anymore!!” see you at the store! :)

  22. You seem like a really, really nasty person. You hate your life, you hate people who tell you to enjoy time with your kids, you yell at your husband and spend too much money and then are nasty to a lady in the gym offering a friendly “you got somethin’ there” to you.

    I don’t get you. Your problems are completely self-made. You seem like someone who would rather whine and complain than figure out what it is that makes you upset.

    Glad I never have to read another word you write,

    Tamara D.

    • To Tamara –

      What were YOU reading??? Nowhere in this story did it sound like she hated anything. Nor was she nasty to the lady at the gym. She thanked her . . . To me, you sound cynical and full of envy. She wrote a funny little slice of life story–harmless-that any mom could relate to, unless you’re living in some la-la land of “nothing bad ever happens”, in which case, you’re seriously deluding yourself.

    • Wow! Tamera is insane! This blog makes me happier than anything I have read in years!!! Write on,G!!!

    • Dear Tamara D,
      I am SO GLAD to see that you will never have to read another word that G writes. That means the rest of us will never have to read another word you write, either.

      This blog is filled with funny, amazing “slices of life”! G has a beautiful gift that reaches out and touches a lot of us who have “been there, done that”. I know that I appreciate realizing that I am not alone in my “Stay-at-Home” world. I can really identify with this Wife and Mom and realize that I shouldn’t beat myself up for not reacting how other people (like Tamara) think I should react.

      Thank you, G, for daring to put yourself out there and for being able to soothe my soul on the rough days. And I’ll see you at the store!

    • Haha! Wow, Tamara- you’re a douche!

    • Hi Tamara~

      I hear a lot of struggle behind your post…that you just might be overwhelmed with your life and really don’t know what to do next. If that’s true, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I do understand and I understand that sometimes when experiencing such intense and non-stop pain, it isn’t possible to laugh at it or with it. Glennon has managed to come to a place of peace with her pain that allows her to fully accept it and laugh with it all while experiencing it. That is an amazing gift and one that I aspire to master. Thank you for being brave enough to post something different than everyone else…that shows that you are our most important teacher. I hope that whatever it is that you’re experiencing right now that it doesn’t keep you from knowing that you are loved and precious and important and significant. Be radiant and trust that you are enough.

  23. My friend emailed me a link to this post. This is pure beauty. You should make t-shirts with the logo “removable pads” on them. Thanks for the smile.

    And I call those days “MBDs.” Mental Breakdown Days.

  24. Am I the ONLY one who is left wondering………where did you get the super padded yoga top?!?!?! Now THAT’S something I can use!!! Lol

  25. Thank you for your awesomeness!!!! So relieved to hear that someone else has a weekly meltdown! You and your family are beautiful – so glad I recently found your blog! Have a great weekend!!!

  26. You are AWESOME!!!!!!! thank you so much for sharing and for helping us all to feel like we are not all going out of our minds when we “just can’t take it anymore”.

  27. Hilarious! At least you didn’t comment to the woman starting at you “Yes, they’re real!” =)

  28. Oh my gosh – you make me laugh so hard. I am sitting here alone in my living room laughing out loud! Thank you!

  29. I just made my husband read this. I guess I’m trying to prove the point that I’m ok to him or something. Luckily for me, he already believes that 100%. So often I feel like I have something wrong with me, but since I’ve found your blog, I’m realizing I’m just a “normal” mom. Go figure. Thanks for helping me slowly realize that. I just hope soon I can believe that I’m totally ok and it’s ok not to be the
    “perfect” mom some people portray.

  30. Find you via a friend’s post on Facebook and you’re my new favorite blogger! I needed a laugh today, and you graciously supplied it. Thank you!

  31. so nice to be clearly understood and amongst other melting down mommas on this crazy spinning planet! cheers for the encouragement.

  32. That. Was. Awesome. Thank you…I really needed a good laugh. So much of that reminds me of…me.

  33. OMG!!! You are wonderfully funny and have helped to make this Friday the 13th even better than before. Found your link on Facebook..a friend had referred you to another friend and being the stalker I am…had to visit. I will be back. God Bless and Keep you and your precious family Healthy and Happy. Love, susan

  34. To say that you crack me up and make my days better would be the biggest understatement ever!!!

  35. The more I read, the more I laughed, until my stomach started hurting from laughing. Thank you, because I so needed to laugh! I so much could relate to this!!! The kids will grow up. Keep them laughing, too. And don’t forget about your husband!

  36. I thank you for your story and I can totally relate. I have mommy meltdowns too, diagnosed with lyme last year, it has been a rough ride. So many people don’t think you are sick because you don’t look sick? Some close to me say that I have made the whole thing up to get attention? I bought pink corduroy pants, a pink sweater and shirt at JC Penneys last week because I just couldn’t deal any longer. Does anyone really look good in pink? Seriously?

    Thanks so much for your story, I got a much needed laugh from it. Thanks again.

  37. wow. i truly thought it was only me!!! thursday night is our local mall’s late night (last night) and had to leave the house in a BAD way. I went out with our credit card and no real money to spend but plenty of reckless intention as I was pretty sure that otherwise I would sontaneously combust as it is so hard having two children ALL DAY LONG….. my husband didnt call to tell me that our 5 month old had woken howling; he just managed the situation, gave her a bottle and had her back asleep while i bought an eggbeater a third of the price (pretty wild shopping trip!) and had a shoulder massage. i love him for understanding and holding sacred my most necessary time out. props to the men who let us be! and thanks for your honesty as I truly thought i was the only emergency shopper!

  38. I laughed so hard my husband came up to check on me! Oh I needed that, thank you!!!!

  39. I never say LOL. Never. I don’t know why. I say “ha ha,” or “that’s funny,” or “you made me smile”…or whatever. But now I’m saying it!! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL! Your blog makes me LOL! I’m like a crazy person sitting at my computer LOLing my A$$ off. YOU ARE SO MY PEOPLE. Keep it coming! :)

  40. I always see people say “Oh I laughed my a$$ off at your comment or I spit coffee onto the monitor” and I roll my eyes. I NEVER actually see things so funny that I would LOL…until I saw your sticker. It genuinely made me laugh and wish I had seen you at the gym that day!

    I wish my gym had free day care, but I will gladly pay for some adult time. And you better believe I’m getting my 2 hours worth. I’ve been known to sit and read a People Magazine to use up my minutes! If you sit on the floor in some awkward position it’s called stretching!

    Thanks for sharing your chaos with us!
    Teresa

  41. Thank god I’m not the only mother out there who takes pure delight in dropping the kids off at the gym babysitting and taking the FULL 2 hours…..amen! Thanks for making me feel not guilty:)

  42. Your blog is wonderful! A friend of mine shared one of your stories & now I find myself hooked. Thank you for your willingness to share your life experinces with us. Its clear you have connected with so many people…….mothers, wives, daughters (including myself). Not only do we relate to your stories but we walk away with a little something whether that be a laugh or a sense of relief ( to know we are normal). Keep writing!

  43. Hahaha – loved it….!! Ain’t it fabulous how oblivious we are in our neurosis?! ;-)

  44. HIlarious! I am too find great comfort in retail therapy. I also find a huge self esteem boost when I return half of it and mentally trick myself in to believing that I just earned hundreds of dollars. I’m so smart!

    I’m going to have to check out if my gym has a sauna, sounds like the perfect solution to my need to get out of the house without having to actually put forth effort.

    So glad I just found you!

  45. Your blog is such a great find – it’s like finding a kindred spirit. I can SOOO identify with the Mommy Meltdown (I have started describing them as tantrums), the ‘buy lots of crap I cannot afford to feel better’ part, and the new-found bravado that makes me pretend I have no time for frivolous comments :-) We just added our third little one to the family, and seem to have a whole bunch of ‘she is so cute but GOD, WHAT were we thinking?’ moments. :-)

    Like many others, this is one of the few times I have written a response to a blog. Do keep writing :-)

  46. Love, Love, Love your sense of humor! Thanks for a great laugh : )

  47. I am so thankful that you write! And share! And are hilarious! <> Thanks for the smile.

  48. […] read other funny bloggers and secretly desire to be them. But I am not them. (You want funny? Read this. Or […]

  49. Hi – just wanted to say congratulations for your recent explosion in followers. I enjoy your honest writing and am glad you’ve found a large audience to appreciate it!

  50. After reading a few of your blog posts, I thought to myself, “This lady reminds me sooo much of Anne Lamott (my favorite author). I haven’t been able to stop reading and thus found out you love Anne Lamott too. Now I am certain I belong here. :-) Thank you for being willing to share your real life and thoughts with us all. You have a real gift.

  51. I haven’t laughed like that in so long! Thank you Glennon! I feel like I have a new mommy friend that I can be real with…thanks for helping me see that it’s okay to make mistakes, that being perfect is a lie and that I’m not the only mommy who copes by going crap shopping…! I was a better mommy today after finding your blog yesterday…my husband and kids thank you!

  52. Hearty seconds to all of the cheerleading. You are doing an AWESOME job here. ( ;-) if you saw my comments elsewhere)
    Cheerleading aside, I’m new so don’t know if you want insight, but I have a chaos reaction reflex similar to your shopping. Mine is household organization, but the drive is the same I suspect. When the Caretaker Fatigue Attack (love that) hits, I start this frenzied search for something that I can control, something that I can accomplish, something that I can check off my to do list. We recently moved, so furniture arrangement and closet organization are the current things. If I can just get the living room arranged the way I want it, then order will be restored. Right? My husband has taken to intervening and giving me a simple but significant task to complete. Ironically, the bit that helps the most is the fact that he takes control of my waugh and absolves me of the responsibility of having to decide what to do for a short while, not that I complete a task. When I get a run of these CFA’s then he takes me for a Wife Maintenance Weekend. In London we did it in a hotel not 5 minutes from our flat. Uninterrupted dinner out, uninterrupted sleep and…works wonders.
    Anyway, so what are you trying to achieve in your shopping frenzies?

  53. I haven’t laughed that hard all day! Thank you G, you are wonderful and I love all the day to day life flaws!! I started this morning with tears, but I am finishing this day with laughter! Thank you!

  54. Oh my word, you’re FUNNY! I’ve just browsed through a few posts and I’ve gone from outbursts of laughter to tinges of tears. Nice. I have no idea who you are or even what this blog is really about, but I’m intrigued and looking forward to more :)

  55. How many of us Monkees are saying, “I thought I was the only one?” What a relief to read this, as I myself have walked the grocery store aisles wearing my new purchase — a black Old Navy hoodie — emblazoned with the words, EXTRA LARGE, in a vertical repetitive line, all the way down my front. Thank you for letting us know, our planets ARE populated! We are not alone!

  56. Came across your blog and have to say it is fabulous, through and through. Hilarious, spot on…you have a huge fan in spokane, wa!

  57. I love that you didn’t even try to bother with the tag when the lady pointed it out to you. I can’t say that I would react in the same way, but i can tell you that i wish I would.

  58. I was already laughing and then I got the surprise ending about what tag you were wearing. Hilarious! Loved it!

  59. I am a new Monkee, but better late than never, which is so often the case with kids in tow. Thank you for your honesty and humor. I’ve had those mommy meltdowns where I have to leave by myself, and a few times have contemplated just driving away and starting over in Colorado, (living in Utah at the time that was where the highway headed). But then I saw that movie “The Hours” where the mom did that, and it scared the crap out of me enough to get that idea out of my head. But still when I have those moments and am heading (running) out the door, my husband yells at my back, “Please don’t go to Colorado, I need you.” Thank goodness for my wonderful man. And thank goodness for you. I see a long and fulfilling relationship in our future. :-)

  60. Thank you! I just laughed and cried! I am semi single mom, (Hubby who I love dearly, works out of state and we see him maybe once a month) and I needed this! I put myself in time out the other day because I just needed to sit and think about life. Totally made me laugh and then cry, so glad there are others out there! :) Keep it up, you have a new fan!

    • I’m in the same boat (my husband’s in over the road truck driver and I’m lucky to see him once every 3 to 6 mths) So with 3 kids 1, 5,& 10 I’m lucky 2 go pee by myself let alone runaway by myself, My mommy meltdowns are over the phone and yes I get hung up on a lot LOL. Hang in there girl your not alone :)

  61. Oh my goodness, I think I just peed a little laughing at that. That’s exactly the kind of thing I would do!

  62. hilarious! thanks for sharing the story! i have to laugh at myself often (for various reasons…..going shopping with unnoticed (by me) spit-up down the back of my shirt, arriving in the parking garage at the pediatrician and realizing I left the house without putting shoes on…..etc etc.) ………..so I can totally relate. I can also totally relate to mommy meltdown mode.

  63. […] I had not until the other day when my sweet friend, Meredith, forwarded me an email that featured one of Glennon’s latest blogs about parenting.  As I was reading, I was nodding my head, saying “amen”, laughing, truly feeling like somebody else gets it – gets me.  Finally – someone had put into words what I so often feel.  I just knew I had to re-post her post.  I quickly went on a hunt to find the source for the email (the one Mer sent didn’t feature an author’s name), found Glennon’s blog as well as lots of other people responding to this particular post – guess it struck a nerve with a lot of people, sent her an email, received permission to re-post, oh and in the meantime, kind of found myself loving Glennon and her work.  She’s quite amazing.  And funny.  Definitely controversial at times.  But she speaks so honestly and from a very deep place.  I’m loving her.  Don’t believe me?  Read today’s post. […]

  64. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! That’s awesome! And totally something I would do!

  65. Oh my gosh, that gave me such a laugh!
    Thanks for your honestly and your sharing!

  66. I’m yet another tired mom who clicked through your blog for hours. Only I did it the other night, and I came across this post. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard.

    Your “Carpe Diem” post may have made you famous, but it doesn’t surprise me. You make magic when you write! Especially to an audience of tired moms!

  67. Seriously, it’s like we are kindred spirits – as I too have those mommy meltdowns and just can’t put my finger on “it.” And respond in kind.

    Love the ‘tag’ LOL – what a moment.

  68. That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while. And totally something I would do. Always good to know I’m not the only one. =)

    When I CAN’T TAAAAKE IT ANYMOOOORE, I also feel the need to leave the house IMMEDIATELY. But except for shopping, I like to drive around or go to the movies by myself.

  69. I was laughing out loud as I read this. Thanks for being real. :)

  70. I also love the CFA…Caretaker Fatigue Attack. I had one this morning. I was at the mall and went into Sephora because I was in need of eyeliner. I let Hailey draw all over her hands with their sample eyeliners. I didn’t care. During CFA I am okay with these kinds of things. I was able to pick out several great eyeliners and was left in peace to do so. I believe you understand!!

  71. Hilarious! And we’ve probably passed each other in the department store, eyes glazed over, trembling, with THAT look on our faces…

  72. Oh, I needed that laugh!! Thank you for making me feel just a tad better about my meltdown-prone self. You are an absolute gift to the “mother hood.” Love you love you love you!

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