Repentance is a fancy word used often in Christian circles. I don’t use fancy religious words, because I don’t think they explain themselves well. Also, fancy language tends make in people feel in-er and out people feel out-er, and I don’t think that’s how words are best used. I think words are best used to describe specific feelings and ideas and hearts as clearly as possible, to make the speaker and the listener, or the writer and the reader, feel less alone and more hopeful.
I used to be annoyed and threatened by the word repentance, until I figured out what it really meant for me. Repentance is the magical moment when a sliver of light finds its way into a place of darkness in my heart, and I’m able to see clearly how my jerkiness is keeping me from peace and joy in a specific area of my life.
Maya Angelou recently shined a light into the dark part of my heart where I keep my relationship with my mother in law.
In her latest book, Letter to my Daughter, Angelou writes about a dinner party she attended during her first trip to Senegal at the home of a very rich and sophisticated friend. As Angelou explored the decadent home and observed the elegant guests, she noted that they were all carefully stepping around the beautiful, expensive rug in the middle of the floor to avoid dirtying it. She became appalled that her hostess would be so elitist and shallow as to value her things above her guests’ comfort and convenience. Angelou decided to act. She stepped onto the rug and walked back and forth several times. The guests, who were “bunched up on the sidelines, smiled at her weakly.” Angelou smiled back, proud that through her boldness they might also be “encouraged to admit that rugs were to be walked on.”
She then joined the guests on the sidelines, her head held high. She had done what was right.
A few minutes later, the servants came out and quietly removed the rug from the floor, replacing it with an equally expensive one. They then proceeded to place the plates, glasses, wine and bowls of rice and chicken carefully upon the new rug. Angelou’s hostess clapped her hands and announced joyfully that they were serving Senegal’s most beloved meal “for our Sister from America, Maya Angelou.” She then asked all the guests to sit. Angelou’s face burned.
She had dragged her dirty shoes all over her gracious hostess’ tablecloth.
Angelou concluded her story with this:
“In an unfamiliar culture, it is wise to offer no innovations, no suggestions or lessons. The epitome of sophistication is utter simplicity.”
When Craig and I first got married, I experienced his family as an unfamiliar culture. They operated so differently than mine did. Communication was different, celebrations were different, meal times were different, expressions of love were different. I found this to be unacceptable. To me, different meant wrong. I became, as I always do, personally offended and perpetually suspicious. In a million subtle and not-so subtle ways, I tried to change my in-laws. I suggested new traditions, I offered advice, I found fault with their personalities and marriage and their relationships with their children and grandchildren. I insisted that Craig and I pull away from them, based on the unforgivable sin that they were different from my family.
I dragged my dirty shoes all over my mother-in-law’s tablecloth. The one she’d spent decades carefully weaving.
My mother-in-law handled all of this gracefully, in retrospect. Tragically, retrospectively is the only way I can ever see things clearly. I imagine my refusal to accept her family hurt her deeply, but she gave Craig and me time and space to work it out on our own. She never pushed us. She never meddled. She bowed out, for a long while. It must have been a hard decision, one I pray I never have to make with my own son. I pray that my future daughter-in-law will be wiser and kinder than I from the start. She probably won’t be, though. She’ll probably be just like me. She’ll want to create her own weaving pattern, which might mean that she’ll need to turn her back on mine for a while.
As a young mother and wife, establishing a pattern that suited me was difficult. Learning to weave my own tablecloth required all of my attention. I needed time and space to establish my own rhythm and style, and perhaps my rejection of the old patterns was necessary to the discovery of my own.
True repentance is messy and it takes time, but that sliver of light is worth waiting for. And when it’s real, it sticks. Thank you, Ms. Angelou, for leading me to repentance.
I’m sorry, Nana.
You know I’m not big on advice, mainly because most days I learn what an idiot I was yesterday. This is hopeful, because it means I’m generally moving in the right direction. But it also makes it risky to put anything definitive in writing today. Even so, I feel safe offering this.
Mothers-in-law, enjoy watching your daughter in law learn to weave. When she makes a mistake, when she drops a stitch, allow her to notice it on her own. Tell her often how beautiful her weaving is. Be kinder than necessary. Bring her some tea. Be simple. Be sophisticated.
And daughters-in-law, notice the beauty of the rug that your mother-in-law spent a lifetime weaving. Remember that mostly, her pattern is firmly established, no need to suggest improvements. Be kinder than necessary, being mindful that the piece of art it took her a lifetime to weave, her masterpiece, she gave to you, to keep you warm at night. One day you’ll give your masterpiece away, too. Be simple. Be sophisticated.
“In an unfamiliar culture, it is wise to offer no innovations, no suggestions or lessons. The epitome of sophistication is utter simplicity.”
Love,
G
[...] http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/11/on-weaving-and-repentance-2/ [...]
Glennon. I am a new monkee and randomly select past posts. I wish I had this advice SO BADLY when I was first married. I too rejected my MIL in polite but obvious ways, and wish wish I had been more appreciative. She passed away before my first son turned 2, too late to repair now.
I also really like all of your definitions of christian buzz words that are so familiar to me, but have never meant much. I would like a little key to put in my Bible that I can refer to with all your insightful clarifications.
Thanks for the advice. My mother-in-law (well all of my in-laws actually) is Asian and we had a hard time finding common ground in the beginning, she wasn’t happy her only son married a white girl. She loves her family, they are her life, she loves them more than anything and sometimes that feels hard to compete with. As time has gone by things have become a little easier but it’s still a work in progress I will try harder to keep in mind how I would want to be treated if I was the mother in law. In the future when my son marries I will try hard to be a mother-in-law that gives her the space neede to find her own way.
I feel like my MIL is always picking at my threads, and unintentionally making me feel like an incompetent or worse uncaring mother. She doesn’t like that I work, she feels like my children should be 100% of my focus and energy just like her kids were for her. I see her as an example of why I should keep working, now that her children are grown and all have moved away a big part of her life is gone, she seems lost. She always wants to take the grandkids and keep them for weeks at a time which might sound wonderful to some, but I like my kids, I don’t want to get rid of them.
I think it is especially difficult due to the cultural differences, since our families are so very different in our traditions. Not so much my husband and myself but our extended families like you said. I will try harder to see the beauty in her and understand where she is coming from. Thanks for the new perspective.
Glennon, not only are you absolutely hilarious but almost every one of your essays challenges me in some way to be a better version of myself. I am a new Monkee. After Don’t Carpe Diem, this was one of the first essays of yours that I read. It touched me because my mother-in-law and I had always had a good relationship but I too was guilty of dragging my dirty shoes all over her tablecloth. I read and re-read this essay a few times and decided I would make a conscious effort to start appreciating her and her way of doing things. I would spend more time with her and invite her to spend more time with my kids. The next day, she did come over to play with her grandkids and have dinner with us while my husband worked late – it was nice to have her over “just because”. The next morning, Jan 13, we got a call that she was being taken to the hospital. An aneurysm in her brain burst and she passed later that day. What a shock. We are all still so incredibly heartbroken. But I am also thankful – to you for writing this essay and posting it when you did and to God for leading me to it/you because I believe that my children and I spent Grandma’s last night with her because of this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow. Such a wonderful post….a pleasure to read, as always. My DH’s parents divorced when he was just a few months old (they were very young) and he was raised by his single mom until he was 11 years old, when she remarried. She and DH’s stepfather did an amazing job with him, despite some unsavory, yet typical teenage behavior on his part. Even before we married, I began sending her flowers on my DH’s birthday to express my gratitude for the “labor” she put into birthing, and raising him. I feel very blessed to have her in my life, especially since my own mother passed away 15 years ago. Although I have sisters, my MIL is the closest thing I have to a mom now. The past few years haven’t been easy for DH and I, with lots of changes, many losses, and few “breaks”. Had it not been for the support of my in-laws, I’m not sure we could have survived.
Similarly, I am very close with his stepmom as well. But that’s because DH’s dad became single when DH and I had been married a few years, and I set him up with one of my best girlfriends from college. The have been together since their first date, 8 years ago. She is a year older than DH and I, and 19 younger than my FIL. Imagine the “wtf” looks we get when she introduces me as her daughter-in-law….it’s priceless!
This cut deep. Thank you for sharing this. So convicting.
My mother in law lives next door and she is a very strong willed woman whom I admire with all of my being. She is loud and funny and gives unsolicited advice, but I wouldn’t trade her for the world! She ruined my husband by doing everything for him as a child, but he has turned out OK and I have helped him learn to help around the house after 13 years! Lol! I have 2 young boys of my own and I have had trouble weaving my own pattern, but she does give me some help with that one with genuine advice that surprises me sometimes! I love her weaved pattern and I have come to appreciate it over time and with my own children as I try to add some of her weave to our family weave. Thank you for your post!
Just wanted you to know that I called my MIL after reading this post. Just to check on her as she’s going through a tough time. Even though I knew she needed someone, I thought I just couldn’t be the one…until you reminded me that I step out of my needs, and see hers. And she was so appreciative of the call.
**that I COULD step out of my needs…
LOVE your blog!! Could read your posts all day (but the boss wouldn’t like that so much
). Recently read Letters to My Daughter and that story about the rug was one of my favorites. It helped me to see I wasn’t the only one who can be SO wrong about something, or someone! I am so quick to judge and 99 times out of 100 I am reading the person or situation incorrectly – 2012 trying to curb that! I like your take on the story though about the weaving of lives and to be careful how you tread – very insightful. Thank you!
This was lovely, and a great reminder. Thanks!
i married my husband, knowing my MIL felt that i was the wrong girl for him… so needless to say, it was a rocky start… i’m chinese & so is my husband’s family, his is more traditional than mine… so i kept my mouth shut (so hard to do, but the culturally expected thing of DILs) & just smiled & nodded for a long time… now things are slightly better… Thank God!
Thank you for the wonderful weaving image!
That explains a lot. I’m not Asian and my MIL is Chinese and she wasn’t happy that her only son married a non-Asian. I almost never keep my opinions to myself, especially when it comes to my children. I always felt like when she was in my home that I was supposed to do what she said and not ask questions or say no. I don’t think I would change my behavior but it probably explains a lot of the disapproving looks I received.
I am new to your site but loving your posts. This one spoke to me due to the tumultuous relationship I have with my own mother-in-law. Thanks for the reminder that just because she does things differently doesn’t mean she’s wrong. As we navigate our relationship, I continue to pray that we will be more understanding of one another and respectful of our boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to be extra kind too!
Yeah. I’ll be honest, once I got to the MIL part, I wanted to stop reading. As much as I know I could use a shot in the arm when it comes to dealing with that relationship, I sometimes just don’t wanna. However, I kept reading. Thank you. I have come a long way and still have a ways to go. I love and hate when that mirror suddenly appears directly in front of your face and your ugliness is revealed. I know we are supposed to welcome that (sort of like ‘enjoying every second’) and recognize it for who it is showing us…but…I avoid it sometimes. So again, thank you. Love this blog.
Um, yeah. I soooooooo needed this one. Today. Not-so-coincidentally, just had a long conversation about this last night with someone. Your posts are a necessary and refreshing slap in the face to me. Seriously, thanks. You know not how much.
I LOVE your definition of repentance because it fits right in with what the Bible says–that God GRANTS us repentance. Look at Acts 11:18 and 2 Timn 2:25. We don’t have to work up our repentance ourselves. God grants us that “sliver of light that finds its way into a place of darkness” in order to see our fault and turn to a new path! What a great truth to ponder! What a great and merciful God!
What was really funny was that I found your blog yesterday and the story about the sauna at the gym. I sent it to my wonderful and amazing daughter-in-law because she has 4 little kids and I knew she could relate. But she saw this one about the mother-in-law and thought I was trying to make some kind of statement!! Uh oh!
It’s all good!!
This is so nice and such a good reminder. In our family, it’s not the mother in law that my sister tries to change, it’s her own mother. Sad to watch, but nothing I can about it. I think I’ll share this post with her and hope something sinks in.
Girl, every last post I’ve read of yours has hit it out of the park – your insights resonate so deeply with truth and such timely relevance. I love your repentance definition, and am quoting you on FB with it
Oh, dear. I married a diplomat, so I spend whole years in an unfamiliar culture. Right now I’m halfway through a 3-year tour in the middle east. Before that it was China. I don’t think I could go through my whole life without offering “innovations or suggestions.” I’ll admit, however, that I got lucky in the mother in law department. She is forever admiring my weaving – even when it’s admittedly and truly awful.
Thanks for another great piece.
Just was told about your blog last night and I’m hooked for good. Obsessed. Addicted….in a nice way.
Anyway, I can relate to this post on so many levels and thank you. I look forward to reading more and more. 
Blessings, cat
My hubby and I have been married almost 15 years and my MIL still do a tenuous dance with one another. This was a beautiful perspective!
The word “simplicity” here puzzles me. Does she mean humility?
Also, this post reminded me of the old Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young song, Teach Your Children.
This is beautiful. I wish I would have read/understood this about 15 years ago.
I must send this to my sister in law. Within 4 months she and I married 2 close brothers. They tried to throw us together as a foursome instantly. We bristled. Somewhere along the way we figured out the weaving. Almost 11 years later, we are a fab mom/aunt team. It works, doing what you wrote.
By the way, my annoyance word is “awesome.” Not only does overuse kill the awesomeness of the term, but also sometimes God is so “awesome” I have visions of Him in board shorts paddling to catch a wave. I have issues with pretty church talk, too. Yet another reason to love this “new” blog I’ve found.
Cheers.
A new monkey
Thanks — again. I find it so important to remember that, even if what my MIL “wove” together looks like a hideous mess from my perspective, she was doing her best to create something beautiful. I am also quite sure that there are plenty of reasons people can look at my “rug” and not see the beauty in it either. How gracious our Father is with us…we should be with others.
wow. needed to read this…i’m always stumbling in this department. thanks for the perspective. beautiful
POW-er-ful!
My MIL is dead, she died when my husband and I were 19. I’m sure I would have had problems with her…I have problems with everybody. But, I like to think I would have worked through it and seen the beauty in what she created. I’m sorry I never got the chance.
This is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Wow. Such a wonderful post….a pleasure to read, as always. My DH’s parents divorced when he was just a few months old (they were very young) and he was raised by his single mom until he was 11 years old, when she remarried. She and DH’s stepfather did an amazing job with him, despite some unsavory, yet typical teenage behavior on his part. Even before we married, I began sending her flowers on my DH’s birthday to express my gratitude for the “labor” she put into birthing, and raising him. I feel very blessed to have her in my life, especially since my own mother passed away 15 years ago. Although I have sisters, my MIL is the closest thing I have to a mom now. The past few years haven’t been easy for DH and I, with lots of changes, many losses, and few “breaks”. Had it not been for the support of my in-laws, I’m not sure we could have survived.
Similarly, I am very close with his stepmom as well. But that’s because DH’s dad became single when DH and I had been married a few years, and I set him up with one of my best girlfriends from college. The have been together since their first date, 8 years ago. She is a year older than DH and I, and 19 younger than my FIL. Imagine the “wtf” looks we get when she introduces me as her daughter-in-law….it’s priceless!
It’s so important to learn this lesson. I am getting better but have a long way to go.
Wow. It took me three times to get through this one. I think that is telling as one of my greatest fears is losing my son in these ways. I have even had fantasies of making him very co-dependent so he can’t live without me in his life, but that’s probably not the best idea.
My mother in law once said to me she had heard the saying, “When your daughter marries, you gain a son; when your son marries, you lose a son” She said she didn’t feel that way with me. It was a great compliment. With that said, we’ve had our ups and downs for many of the very reasons you listed above and I could afford to treat her better. She came into my life shortly before my own mom passed and has always been there for me. Although her ways are often “different” I look at the amazing son she raised. She did something right and I can only hope our son turns out as great as his dad. Thanks for this.
New reader here. I so needed to hear the Maya Angelou story. Thank you. I had a lovely foot-in-mouth experience on Monday, for which I repented to the person within 10 minutes but for which I still feel horribly guilty two days later. I hate screwing up. I hate knowing I hurt someone’s feelings. Saying “I’m sorry” just doesn’t erase the original pain caused, and I know that all too well.
Thank you. This speaks to me on so many levels when it comes to dealing with my mother-in-law of 8 years. I appreciate your vulnerability and bravery in sharing with us.
Thank you for a beautiful reminder! I am blessed with an amazing, kind, generous, loving Mother in Law. She has raised some of the finest men I know and I am proud to be in her family!
Glennon, this is so beautifully written. Thanks for writing this blog. My sister recommended it to me, and I’m enjoying it.
You know, it’s very difficult to read your posts through tears. Everything is blurry, yet so incredibly clear. I’m sitting here with a pooping newborn in one hand, mouse and Diet Dr. Pepper in the other…a yapping preschooler behind me…and a napping toddler upstairs (at least I think he’s still napping…the volume on the monitor is down). Anyway, I also began sitting here a bit pissed at my MIL for being “her”. After reading this, all I feel is repent. I feel like such a jerk for being mad at the things she does/says/doesn’t do/doesn’t say. You made me realize that being “her” isn’t a flaw…its just her rug…neatly woven for almost 70 years. Am I more comfortable with my mom’s rug? Yes. Am I learning to weave my own? Yup. Am I eternally grateful for the rug she wove for me for 42 years? Absolutely. I think its time to vacuum…and give my MIL a hug. Thank you…
I think I can say with certainty that Glennon would never encourage anyone to vacuum, except in highly metaphorical ways.
Best. Reply. Ever.
I wish that my experience could be even a bit more like yours. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is mentally ill and can’t be trusted to be around our family. She manipulated her children for years. I wish I had someone who had built a tapestry at all, instead of leaving shreds and ruins and chaos around her.
But for me, I store up all these things in my heart for I have a boy, a son who will one day bring another woman into my life… my daughter-in-law. I am pretty laid back, pretty accepting… unless you step on my toes. I pray that God would prepare my heart for years ahead of her arrival to be welcoming and gracious. Simple. I like that.
Great post.
Christina,
I could have written your reply myself. You have described my in-law situation perfectly. It is a sad and unique perspective, one that most people cannot grasp.
I have four boys, and have prayed for years for good relationships with my future daughters in law. I like what you said about God preparing your heart for your daughter in law’s arrival. Wise words. Thank you.
Heather
Thought provoking and lovely (as always), and VERY different from my experience. I do not disagree with a single word that you wrote…. However, I have issues with a mother-in-law who doesn’t want to even be a part of our life if she can’t do all my “weaving” for me (and basically insults my attempts all the time). We have even tried family therapy, to little avail. So, I am trying to learn from my experience as a daughter-in-law~ we shall see!
One of my favorites. Even after 15 years, it’s hard sometimes. I moved to another part of the country when I married and live near my husband’s entire family. As the grandkids have arrived, we’re weaving something new together that includes things we all contribute. I’m blessed with a gentle, loving MIL who still bewilders me from time to time, as I’m sure I do her. But I am so thankful to know the people who raised my husband and are responsible for so many of the wonderful things he brings to my life. The post makes me cry for the times I’ve been wrong and hopeful that “when I knew better, I did better.”
Oh my. Beautifully yet painfully put. Thank you
This one made me cry! Beautiful!
Geez, make me cry – AGAIN! Do you live in my head? Thank you for reminding me to be respectful for all the years my MIL spent creating her family traditions and thank you for reminding me to be more gracious and kind.
New to your blog, but wow…this post TOTALLY describes the exact relationship between my mother in law and I when my husband and I first got married 8 years ago. Perpetual criticism and annoyance and definitely a lot of pulling back. Thankfully, my MIL is now one of the women I respect the most and I’ve learned so much from her once I stopped being so darn offended all the gosh-darn time. She always responded to me with grace and never ever treated me the way I was treating her. So thankful for her now! And now I have three boys and I just really really REALLY hope for daughter in laws who are nicer than me…
This has always been one of my favorites. I think I told you this before but I sent this to my friend Steve who is a Catholic priest. He uses it when counseling young couples getting ready to get married.
Oh G, this is like a gift this week. I love that I get to read all the wonderful posts form over the years without having to enter words in the search box! Thank you so much!
xo Andie
From:) Not form!
chills the second time too!
It’s hard coming into marriage, as you marry the family not just the man. My mother-in-law is also from an unfamiliar culture. At times I wonder why is she doing that or does it really matter? Then I have to step back and realize it’s ok. I really did marry into a great family and I love the culture.