Top Three Most Embarrassing Melton Pediatric Visits
When Chase was six months old, I took him to a pediatric optometrist because he looked completely cross eyed in every picture we took of him. After the exam, the doctor left the exam room* and when he returned he said:
“Ma’am. I have identified the issue that’s causing Chase to appear cross eyed.”
I took a deep breath and held it. The doctor continued:
“Chase…. is…. Asian.”
Long pause.
He’s Asian? I said. That’s your diagnosis?
“Yes, ma’am.” He pointed to Chase in his car seat. “That’s just what Asian babies look like.”
Well. Fine, I said. Shall I bring him back in three weeks if these Asian symptoms continue or worsen?
“No, you shouldn’t.”
Kay. Goodbye, then.
Not a lot of room for humor in optometry, apparently.
When Chase was three, I took him to the pediatrician to get his ears checked. He was really struggling to hear Craig and me and didn’t even respond to the simplest, loudest directions. After the doctor examined him, she left the exam room*. When she came back she said:
“Mrs. Melton, his hearing is perfect. Chase is hearing you. He’s just not listening to you.”
Nother long pause.
Examine.
Him.
Again.
I said.
When Chase was three months old, he developed a very strange orange rash on his face. It started small, just around his mouth, but started spreading further, past his nose and chin. After a week of watching it grow and deepen in color, we started worrying about jaundice and took him to the pediatrician. The doctor examined Chase’s teeny face and left the room.* When she finally returned, she said:
“Mrs. Melton, I couldn’t help but notice that your skin is tinted the same orange-ish color as your son’s face.”
Nother. Long. Pause.
Say what? I said, eventually.
The doctor looked uncomfortable, but continued:
“Are you, by chance, using a self tanning lotion?”
Ummm….yeah.
“And you’re using it…all over?”
Well….yes.
“And you’re still breast feeding, right?“
Double Pause.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
We don’t go to the doctor anymore unless we are currently on fire.
*I noticed a pattern while writing this essay. Doctors always leave the room for several minutes before they’ll speak to me. I talked to several friends about this phenomenon, and they all said that their doctors never leave the room before offering a diagnosis.
I am now convinced that the doctors leave so I can’t see them burst out laughing. They close the door on us and then they run into an empty exam room and pull out their cells and call their doctor buddies and spouses and say “you’re not gonna believe this one” and then they quickly update their Facebook Statuses with “So this crazy lady just came into the office and….”
Then they return to our room when they’ve decided they are capable of looking at me with a straight face.
Whatever, honestly.
Love,
G
I have one that might be even funnier. My best friend took her son, aged 4 months to the pediatrician and described these strange symptoms she was witnessing sometimes when she changed his diaper and she thought maybe he needed to see a urologist. So the doctor examines him and starts asking a few questions. He leaves the room (see you’re not the only one) and comes back in and informs her it’s “shrinkage”. Her response was “it shrinks? What do you mean it shrinks?”
Apparently these occasions when she witnessed this strange thing happening during a diaper change it was really cold. His penis would practically disappear and his testicles would shrink into little hard grapes an she thought something had to be wrong with him, that can’t be normal, right? I guess she must have missed that Seinfeld episode.
[...] the Momastery archives, but here are a few of the posts that have had me laughing til it hurt: Top Three Embarrassing Pediatric Visits, Whatever, Honestly, Closer to Fine, Airing Our Dirty Laundry, and Dharma and Craig (and the list [...]
I read this out loud to my husband while laughing so hard I was crying. When I read it, I said “nother,” noting the way you wrote like I talk.
Then I read the Comment From the Published Author and started laughing even harder.
Great stuff.
[...] because I can’t leave this post on such a sad note, a link to a hilarious parenting post about the things we take our kids to the doctor [...]
So funny! We never had funny or good pediatric appointments, so I will take your stories and cherish them!
Or…maybe I will try to find some humor in our many painful appointments. I will keep you updated. 
I just discovered your blog (and LOVE it by the way!) but one “problem”…I have to remember not to read it while at work! I keep breaking out in uncontrollable laughter and everyone is staring at me! Thanks
OMG. That first story made me giggle uncontrollably. What in the what?! One of my boys just had eye surgery for a eye muscle problem but now I’m wondering if he’s just actually Asian. Hmmmm….
xo
cortnie
I have working health care for a long time…So, let me reassure you, you are probably right, your doctor leaves until they are able to come back in and look at you with a straight face….But as a new mom, let me remind you that sometimes even though your doctor may make you feel silly, at least you wont be walking around feeling like your child is going to die of the boubonic plague!! Feeling silly is just a small price to pay for sanity.
Me: my cat has a respiratory problem (I was 25 years old. This was my first cat. I got it for my kids.)
Neighbor: what do you mean?
Me: well it makes this funny sound sometimes when it breathes.
Neighbor: really? What does it sound like?
Me: well, it kinda vibrates and makes a low humming kind of sound.
Neighbor: you mean purring?
I love your blog. Like seriously might be unhealthily in-love with it. I just read this post and laughed so hard I literally cried. The self-tanner is my fav. keep on keeping on G. Thanks for being real in a very un-real world, especially this very fake, materialistic world sometimes called….motherhood.
Just heard of your blog and I have to say I’ve never laughed harder. My 16 yr old keeps asking what I am laughing at. He will never understand. Thank you for the laughs and you are so inspiring!
THANK YOU for the wonderful laugh!
Of course the person laughing is 1/2 of a parenting couple who called the pediatrician’s after-hours emergency line about…wait for it…hiccups!
When my Faith was 2, I took her in for her hearing to be checked too! She never seemed to hear us, no matter how loudly we spoke.
The doctor did a routine ear exam, then turned around (to his counter) and asked in a semi-quiet voice if Faith wanted a lollipop. She immediately answered “YES, please”! As he handed her the lollipop, he looked at me and said her hearing is fine… but she’s still working on her listening skills
I was so embarrassed.
This totally happened to us too!! Our little ones were born in May and we noticed that our son looked completely cross-eyed while his sister was fine. We figured it was just a newborn thing and as their eyes developed the cross-eyedness will go away. We mentioned it to the pedi and he said to keep an eye on it. Well, by their 6 month appointment it didn’t seem to get better so he again assured us that his eyes were fine and that he only looked cross-eyed because he had a flat bridge on his nose and extra skin at the corners of his eyes but he referred us to a pediatric opthamologist for our peace of mind. We show up at the opthamologist who took a look at our son and said, “his eyes are fine, he’s asian”. Then my husband asks, “will he grow out of it as he gets older/bigger?” and the doctor just looked at him like, uhhh, no, there is nothing to grow out of.
I’m soo glad we are not the only ones concerned about our son’s ‘asian eyes’.
=)
Hysterical!!! Haven’t laughed that hard in a while…thank you! (And it is only because I have SO been there!!).
Seriously. Hilarious. I read this to my husband and could barely get through it because of the laugh-tears that blurred my vision.
Our doctors visits have been less than hilarious. I needed this one!
OMG. New to your blog after reading Don’t Carpe Diem. I am dying over the self tanner episode. So stinking hilarious. I have too many of these doctor stories to share. We only go if we are on fire as well!
Thank you for this site, your wording, and a focus on God’s real time. Don’t change one thing! Laughing and loving are gifts!
My son and I are healing from an experience and he is so protective of me that he’s verbally aggressive when his henpecker detector goes off. Right now we have to limit our interactions with people who fuel self doubt and discontent and it makes me question the harm caused by tolerating it in the past.
Oh I’m so glad I’m not the only one that gets that from doctors. I swear at some point my doctor was going to accuse me of being a Munchausen Mom when Girl Spawn was little.
These made me giggle. Thank yoU!
Love! I’m one of those new ones…and I will be around awhile. Thanks.
Thank you for being so down to earth and making my crazy existence seems a little less crazy! It makes me happy to know that I’m not alone.
isn’t it fun being a mom!?
these made me smile!
That is too funny, all of it! I am not a fan of doctors at all. I never look forward to going, for myself of my son. (not that I think anyone does) but it’s pretty much like you said. Unless we are currently on fire….
Don’t worry, we don’t laugh at you
We just need fun moments like that to cancel out the bad ones! I cried laughing reading this.
Forgive me, but I think I will probably write too much; apologies to all in advance. I quit reading blogs about 3 years ago, which is a shame because it is right about the time you created Momastery. I would go to these blogs and feel completely inadequate. I didn’t have enough perfect photos, or stories for that matter, to post about how “amazing” my life was. The blogs would make me sweat and bite my nails even more. I felt SO alone. I tried to blog it up again about a year and half ago about being a “balanced” and healthy mom, with hopes of writing a parenting tips blog, since I am a school psychologist. I mean, I should have some things to share, right? Um, I have no idea what I am doing, so where this fantastical idea came from, who knows! Well…..that lasted for one blog because, clearly, I am not balanced and although I can help a lot of other people my parenting tips (AT WORK), in this medium, I would also have to include the stories of how I walked home bawling one time (or 10), with a toddler in his stroller ALSO bawling for 10 blocks from the park, frantically calling his father at work, in a “Mommy Meltdown” while simultaneously texting my friends telling them “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”…. and His father would then google for a few hours and come up with a rock solid, LOGICAL solution on what had happened and how to fix it. So…..parenting tips blog never even started because google is our parenting guide. I had a particularly difficult day with my little son on Saturday and I saw the Carpe Diem blog and I snorted to myself, “Oh great, here we go, another perfect mommy blog to make me feel bad about myself.” Then I just sat there in awe. Then I started DEVOURING this place. These Y,TRH are some of my favorites. I love it. It is honest. It is REAL. I may lose my job and have my child taken away from neglect due to my obsession with this COMMUNITY right now. I was jumping around and reading as much as I possibly could. My friend and I traded this exact blog at 2:30 AM on Saturday. We found something precious, something to take the loneliness away. Glennon’s writing is marvelous. It is funny and raw and beautiful. But what I have gotten out of this most is the community of people. I am going through the blogs, one by one, in ORDER – and I SOOOO look forward to see how will Southlakes Mom, Adrianne, MK, Jen, Sunny, Sister, Craig, or any of the other Originals respond to this??? I feel like I have found a place to not be lonely. I don’t have to cyberstalk mommy and me groups anymore, desperately trying to find a place that I will fit in. So thank you Glennon for creating this place. This home. But also- thank you to the Monkees for making it a community.
I recently took my son to an emergency doctor visit (he was crying in pain) and was charged $54 to find out that the terrible lip rash, which I had decided must be the world’s largest and weirdest HERPES(!) virus sore, was in fact…
chapped lips. My son has a habit of sticking out his tongue when he concentrates on something. Very cute. Also causes chapped lips apparently. Prescription was to go buy him some lip balm.
This is hilarious. I had a “he’s just not listening to you” doctor’s visit. Good times.
This is so funny. I hope Chase never stops displaying signs of Asian. I love those melton kids.
The exact opposite happened at our ENT before getting ear tubes put in my 18-month old. I was convinced he could hear fine, that he just wasn’t listening. The doctor kept asking, very seriously, “Do you notice he can’t hear well? Do you think he has problems hearing?” I was very, very sure and said, no, he hears me just fine, he does not listen – he’s a toddler. Isn’t that what toddlers do? ENT gasped, “No! YOU ARE THEIR LIFE LINE! They listen to YOU for survival! And by the way he failed his hearing test, so he does need tubes.” And tubes we got. I still think he’s a selective listener though.
My brother is a physician. He loves to tell stories about his crazier patient visits (and relax, yours aren’t even close!). He has mentioned the “leave the room before you give the diagnosis” technique. They are trained to do that. Apparently it’s unprofessional to laugh at you patients. So they leave the room, pull in the other physicians, have a good laugh and then put on a straight face before they come back in to talk to you.
I loved this blog. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure that our family has our share of such visits ahead . . .
I think it is hilarious they are trained to do that! Oh, G! I thought maybe you were just being sensitive!!!
I just found your blog yesterday and love it! This post was hilarious and definitely helped improve the mom-funk I’m currently in!
Just found your blog yesterday and I love it! This totally made my morning and is definitely a help to my current mom-funk!
I echo so much of what is written above (except the people who don’t like your grammar or have other lame comments). I am thrilled to be a newbie Monkee – I can’t read your older posts and catch up fast enough (especially because I’m crazy behind at work, have two little ones at home and am exhausted in my first trimester with #3). General comments:
1. You’re human
2. You’re honest (and one of the best writers I have EVER read).
3. I love you. Is that too forward? I hope not.
I think, probably like everyone else out here, that you and I are best friends, we just don’t really know it yet. You’re going places my dear, and I can’t wait to cheer you on every step of the way.
LOVED this!! You have me giggling pretty early on a Tuesday
SO funny. I think your guess about the doctors leaving until they can come back with a straight face is probably accurate! But don’t worry, doctors can’t spread the word around beyond their offices because of privacy laws!
bahahaha! These stories made my day!
Glennon – I am just reading your blog for the first time today and really love it. I would like to contribute that I took my son to the pediatrician for his 6 month appointment yesterday and apparently there is something wrong with his circumcision. After examining my son Kai, the doctor said you know I think I need to get a second opinion and left the room. Coming back a few minutes later with a second doctor and they are both stumped as to how the hospital could have botched the circumcision (I wont go into details). They spoke over him for about 5 minutes in shock and then he peed all over both of them. (!)
I’ll be relating the self tanning rash to my walking group…they’ll love that one! Thanks for letting us laugh with you
This is priceless! Thanks fir the laugh!!
The optometrist stayed in the room and laughed after checking my eyes. He also checked my glasses and then asked me if my lenses ever fell out and I said sometimes. He said the last time I put the lens back in I put it in backwards and the cause of my headaches and blurry vision was the backwards lens! He then put it in the right way and left the room still chuckling. At least there was no charge.
Hilarious! The self tanner is by far my favorite. I hate to break it to you, but I have a few friends in the health care industry and yeah, they probably leave to let out a deep, hearty chuckle at your expense.
Oh hey, did that Asian thing ever clear up?
HILARIOUS!!
I just need you to know that #2 happened to me, also. Not only did I get a clear bill of health from the hearing test, but I then took our three-year old daughter for a mental disability assessment. I was certain she was learning disabled. They found her to be a genius and sent us home. I’m sure they laughed themselves silly over that one.
Haaaaaahahahaha! My children have each had a similar hearing condition. As they’ve gotten older, we’ve noticed a muscular eye movement that sometimes accompanies the hearing issue. The eyeball appears to roll up and around in their head. I’m sure it’s nothing.
I now can start my day. Thank you!
O.M.G!!! That was the most hysterical thing I have read in forever!! Thank you so much for sharing — I am a forever fan now!
So funny, esp. the self-tanner incident…ah. Thanks for sharing!
This is the greatest thing ever! thank you for the laugh ( that will continue on through the whole day)
Thanks so much for sharing!!!! A great laugh to start the day.
G-
I just recently found your blog and I must say that I now look forward to it each and everyday! Your life experiences make my life a little brighter and I would like to Thank you!
I look forward to crossing paths in person one day in the near future!
Haha, I have a few of those moments myself!
So funny! Before kids, I took my dog into the vet because I was worried about him. When I checked his surgery incision, I noticed 2 large lumps near his manhood. The vet looked at me very seriously, and said, “Ma’am, he is having an erection.”
Love it! Knapsack! Apparently “LMAO” turns into “knapsack” under spell check…love that too! Hahaha
This is a very cute essay. If you’d like to look into being published or taken seriously, please take advice from a published writer. In the English language, “nother” is not a word. You are looking for the word, “another”.
Fallon.
I write how I talk.
It seems to be working so far.
From Nother Published Writer,
G
From a professional editor:
I would change “nother” in an academic paper, but not in a novel, autobiography, or blog. It’s the narrator’s “voice,” and in this case is perfectly appropriate.
JFK
I guess these were those comments we are supposed to smile at because everyone has a right to their own opinion on Momastery? OK…smiling (through gritted teeth)
Andie,
You don’t have to grit your teeth and smile, just sing your redemption song.
Love You,
Lou
Remember your freedom song, Andie. It goes like this.
And that freedom song, led to this freedom song.
Lou, have I told you lately, I love you? Nope, but I will tomorrow:)
Mine was affirming, though! It’s Glennon’s voice, it’s perfectly acceptable. But do keep singing, both of you. <3
Fallon,
You have *got* to be kidding me. Do you troll blogs looking to point out “grammatical errors,” seriously? It’s a blog, not a scientific research article, looking to be published in medical journals. G writes HER blog how SHE speaks. That’s why we all love her. If you aren’t here for the right reason, then don’t come here anymore. It’s quite simple. Hopefully, you understood that.
Have you heard of a book titled “A Whole Nother Story”? It was definitely published, followed by a sequel with two mentions of “Nother” in the title. Not kidding. LOL!
Laughed so hard I cried! Thx for sharing!
Love it!
Great post! I think we all have had embarrassing moments in pediatrician’s offices. Thanks for sharing yours! Being half-asian the first one cracked me up!
I love this post! I too had a very embaressing moment. My daughter was 7 and had this weird hot pink rash on her forearm. I tried to wipe it off and it did not come off at all. I asked her if she had been playing with a marker at school and she said no. I really concerned me and the nurse said to bring her in when I called.
Once there, the doctor examined it, asked the same questions I did and then left the room. When she came back she had an alcohol swab and proceeded to clean her arm and Viola, the “rash” came off. It was a marker that only came off with alcohol, not just water. Yes, we both laughed and I turned three shades of red and left quickly.
I bet a doctor could right a hilarious book about these type of situations and I would love reading it!
Heather
Oh my god. I nearly spit out my coffee. This is absolutely priceless. Thank you so much for brightening my morning.
Thanks SOOO much for sharing. I read the three hospital stories and have tears flowing. I learned last week to read your blog BEFORE mascara!! (I am NOT normally a cryer). Thank you for bringing laughter and a little perspective to a difficult time in the life of my little 9 year old miracle. He is facing spine surgery this month. He is such a little trooper. We have been through many surgeries (I won’t keep track) and even more ER visits — He has his favorite room and requests it when we arrive. I am often overcome by the gratitude you expressed with respect to the medical care we enjoy and the little boy I get to enjoy because of it. Thank you !!
Well, if ever a post deserved a “bless your heart,” this is it!
Glennon, you are hysterical. And honest. And so articulate. Since learning about your blog last week, I have gone on daily and gotten lost in so many of your stories/insights/recollections, etc. Last night I was just telling my boyfriend about how refreshing it was to read what you write; you say the things so many people feel but are afraid to say out loud. What a gift. I am very grateful to have found your blog and I look forward to more daily laughter, tears and words that truly make me stop and think (and laugh, and share, and cry and reflect…) I am a big believer that if you can even make one person smile every day you have succeeded…I have NO doubt you are doing this ten/hundred fold. Keep on keeping on!
I am literally crying right now from laughing so hard:)
Thanks for sharing and brightening my morning.
Motherhood seems to be full of opportunities to embarrass the heck out of yourself!
Glad to be a new Monkee!
That is awesome.
HA! Thanks Glennon for the pre-work laugh this morning!
Thank you for hte morning chuckle. i am w/ ur friends, have not had a doc leave the room b4 diagnosing us. this was great!
I literally burst out laughing on the breast feeding comment. I like how she carefully connected the dots for you..
This def made me lol! But I have to say I call these “mommy-brain” moments… And that totally makes it ok and makes for great stories! What would we do without them!
This was hilarious – I love your writing!