Every time Iâm out with my kids â this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, âOh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.â
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesnât work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while Iâm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if Iâm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, Iâm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, Iâve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because theyâve heard thereâs magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and itâs hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that  most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – âARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOUâLL BE SORRY YOU DIDNâT!â TRUST US!! ITâLL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!â Â – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. Iâm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: âSugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.â
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged  it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldnât find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine  WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, âThank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.â
Thatâs not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, âNo. but I love having written.â What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, âAre you sure? Are you sure you donât mean you love having parented?â
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that Iâm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times â G, if you canât handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I donât think itâs quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that itâs hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe sheâs not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldnât add more to her load. Maybe the fact that itâs so hard means she IS doing it rightâŠin her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. Itâs a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I donât ever feel the need to suggest that heâs not doing it right, or that heâs negative for noticing that itâs hard, or that maybe he shouldnât even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure heâs ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: âThis career stuffâŠit goes  so fastâŠARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!â
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasnât enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasnât in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasnât MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, Iâd wake up and the kids would be gone, and Iâd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And hereâs what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
 âItâs helluva hard, isnât it? Youâre a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. Sheâs my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.â And hopefully, every once in a while, Iâll add– âLet me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- Iâll have them bring your groceries out.â
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesnât work for me.I canât even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Hereâs what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. Itâs regular time, itâs one minute at a time, itâs staring down the clock till bedtime time, itâs ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, itâs four screaming minutes in time out time, itâs two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then thereâs Kairos time. Kairos is Godâs time. Itâs time outside of time. Itâs metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what Iâm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. Â I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I canât hear her because all I can think is â This is the first time Iâve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when Iâm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and Iâm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and Iâm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food Iâll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the worldâs mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to  them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I donât remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,613 Comments
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it’s old but still, feels like new!
Iâm a newish mom right now, something like 10 years after this was first written. And, here I am, feeling seen for the first time since my first rugrat came out of me. Thank you for the Kairos moment!
[…] not the first person to talk about these two kinds of time – I first read about it from Glennon Melton, and recently I heard someone discuss it on a podcast about happiness and grief. But I’ll […]
Finally read your Donât Carpe Diem blogpost! Such a beautiful and true way of describing parenting, specially with young kids. Iâm raising two girls, 6 and 3 years old with my husband and I also have the blessing of having at least a couple of Kairos moments every day, where I really see and take in the gorgeous view, amongst the exhaustion and frustration of Chronos. Thank you!
Just thank you. So incredibly helpful. I canât imagine all of the women you have helped with this post. Definitely me!
This made me cry. It made me feel seen in a way that I haven’t felt since March 2019 when I left my full-time job to stay home full-time. Thank you for capturing this experience so perfectly, it gives me something to share with others who seem well-meaning but really don’t get it. Thank you thank you thank you.
[…] ~ Das Konzept von Chronos und Kairos Time stammt ĂŒbrigens nicht von mir, sondern von Glennon Doyle Menton, nachzulesen in ihrem Blog Momastery […]
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Dear Glennon, I have a kairos moment every time I come back to this beautiful article (which I first read soon after you published it, when my boys were also little). Your words have stayed with me, helped me in tough times, and I come back to them every time I meet a mum that is struggling. Thanks for shining your beautiful light.
Yes yes and yes. This post and “Uno Bitches” have carried me through many tough momming windows and given me hope that all would be well, despite (or maybe because of) my imperfections.
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So I just discovered you on On Being… how I wish I read this when published but then my twins were 4 and I wasnât doing much reading. You made me laugh out loud. I could have used a good laugh then. Lots of Chronos time.
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This could have been written by me 25+ years ago. I HATED it when people told me to just enjoy them, they are only little once, blah..blah…blah! I always wanted to ask if they would care to enjoy them for the rest of the day while I went home for a nap.
Today Iâm looking in the rear view mirror and I finally get it. Itâs all a matter of where you are in your journey. And yes, Iâm totally guilty of saying those exact things now. And someday, believe it or not, you will too.
Violet, You are so right.
Oh god thankyou so much for writing this stuff. Itâs such a relief to hear other people say these things out loud xx
Your messages are so inspiring!