Oct 012011
You know these little bags that the Lupus foundation sends in the mail? Great. Hold that thought.

Recent Melton Marital Conversation:

Craig: Glennon, why do we still have these things in the pantry?

Glennon: The Lupus bags?

Craig: Yeah. They’ve been in here for years. We have 27 of them now. Are we ever going to do anything with them?

Glennon: I don’t know. I don’t want to throw them away, but they probably won’t be yummy anymore.

Craig: Um. What?

Glennon: I don’t know. They’re pretty old.

Craig: Oookay. Well, do we have anything to donate?

Glennon: Huh? Donate?

Craig: Yeah, I mean, we should use these. We should donate something. That’s what they’re for. Why are we just collecting them in our pantry?

Glennon: You think the Lupus foundation wants me to donate them?

Craig: Not donate THEM, donate something IN them.

Glennon: What? How? Donate them to who?


Glennon: Wait. The Lupus foundation wants me to donate the popcorn they gave me BACK to the Lupus foundation?

Craig: Silence.

Glennon: That’s weird. Fine, what do I do, just leave all the popcorn on the porch? Will they come pick it up? What do they do with it? Why did they send it to me in the first place if they just want it all back?

Craig: Silence.

Glennon: What the hell? What? WHAT? What is going on??

Craig: Jesus, honey. It’s not popcorn. It’s not popcorn, Glennon.

Thanks for nothing, Tricky Lupus Foundation.

*Craig has sworn to God that he will not discuss these sorts of conversations with our therapist.

Happy Weekend, Monkees.


Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  22 Responses to “Who’s On First?”


  2. I'm still confused…. Laughing, but confused!? Lol
    Going to Google the "Lupus Popcorn" now……lol

  3. Found your blog today while on deadline at my day job. Kinda supposed to be working… Anyway, a coworker just had to ask me: Did you just SNORT? Yes. I laughed so hard I snorted. Now I have to explain why a work email made me laugh so hard I snorted.

  4. Love you Glennon!! You crack me up and make me cry (for the right reasons)…my favorite kind of person : )~Shanna

  5. totally, completely broken for you. i promise, you will LOVE. and maybe not dancing naked…but another one by the same author, kris radish–"annie freeman's fabulous traveling funeral." it is a monkee story if ever there was one. all of her books kind of are. and right, "ew…mail popcorn!!"

  6. j…just found all your fav books on your profile…Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn A Prayer for Owen Meany Beach Music Without Homegrown Democrat The Friday Night Knitting Club Traveling Mercies Broken For You

    owen meany and traveling mercies are two of my all time faves…never heard of the rest. which one should i try first??

  7. we actually eat popcorn all the time…but i don't know…i never wanted to eat MAIL popcorn. kinda ew.

  8. so…never, in three years' time, did you crave popcorn?! that would SO never happen in my house!!!!

  9. Oooh…sorry about that. I didn't consider non brushers. Our local dentist does this with our childrens candy, though now that I think about it, maybe a little job security…

  10. thank you for the serious laugh! SO FUNNY!

  11. So that's what they remind me of! I'd always wondered…

  12. As a troop's wife — please don't send them candy…please? If you wonder why, refer back to Glennon's post about seeing the dentist. There's Craig's dental hygiene and then there's … people like my hubs.

  13. You could always use them to collect candy and then send the bags to the troops overseas perhaps…although filling 27 bags is A Lot of trick or treating…hmmmmm the possabilities

  14. oh.my.word.
    i needed that laugh BAD! thanks :-)

  15. G,
    XoXo Susie M

  16. G, you're my favorite.

    The Samaritan's House just ties the donation bags to peoples' doorknobs. Much less confusing.

  17. sister- they are little folded up bags that come in the mail and you're supposed to (apparently) take the bags out of the plastic, unfold them, fill them with donations, and leave them out for the Lupus Foundation to pick up.

    They look EXACTLY like microwave popcorn bags. I just thought…real estate agents send calendars, Lupus sends popcorn, whatevs.

    I've been collecting them in the pantry for three years.

  18. I've been reading your blog for several months and you think I would know not to drink beverages when I visit. I once again almost killed my keyboard when I starting laughing uncontrollably causing me to spit diet coke out my nose.

  19. I am so confused.

    (Are they some sort of packing material?)

  20. That's why I love the VA. Every few months they come get that pretty pink bag off my front porch, sparing me the trouble of carrying my trash out to the curb. Yay, VA!

  21. Glennon, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

  22. You mean they're not popcorn?


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