Jan 292011
 

So.

I’m at the gym yesterday. I go to the gym all the time. My Lyme doesn’t permit me to work out anymore, but I would never allow a detail like that to keep me from free child care. So I drop off the kids in the nursery and I sit in the sauna and read. It’s exactly like hot yoga, without the hard parts of hot yoga that I resent, like the moving part and the not allowed to read during part. When I come out I am smarter. And warmer. And more peaceful. Actually I think it might be the best thing in the world. And now instead of meeting on the exercise bikes and sitting still and talking, Adrianne and I meet in the sauna and sit still and talk. And when we leave we are so sweaty that we even believe we’ve worked out.

Last week, following a particularly dramatic Mommy Meltdown, I bought some new workout clothes for my sauna exercise regimen.

Let me explain.

Once every week or so I have a breakdown during which I wail to Craig that for various reasons that I am too overwhelmed and despondent and incoherent to discuss in detail, my life is completely unmanageable. We call it a Mommy Meltdown in our home. My friend Erin calls it a Caretaker Fatigue Attack. Either way, mine include lots of tears and dramatic phrases thrown around, my favorite of which is: I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Craig once made the mistake of asking me what specifically the IT is that I am unable to TAKE, and let us just say that he will not make that mistake again.

IT IS LIFE! IT IS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, whatever. The point is that as my meltdowns begin to wind down, I usually decide that the only thing that will improve my life is to leave the house ALONE - immediately – and buy lots of crap. I do not know why this is my solution, but when I arrive at whatever crap store my van drives to, there are always many other maniacal looking women also wandering the aisles aimlessly. So I’m convinced I’m not the only one who considers crap buying a viable solution to I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Anyway, last week on my crap trip I bought some new workout (sauna) clothes. One piece was a cute yoga top with major pads in the bra. PADS IN THE BRA. The irony of practicing yoga in order to connect with the universe and one’s inner self and find acceptance and self love in a padded bra is not lost on me. As a matter of fact, it is SO ME. So I bought two.

I wore my new boob-y top to the gym yesterday.

I did my time in the sauna, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet, so I went out to walk on the treadmill. I smiled at the lady next to me and noticed that she was sort of staring at me. I assumed what I always assume – that she recognized me from the blog. OR that maybe she was impressed by my huge boobs. I smiled humbly. The lady locked eyes with me and said, “Excuse me, your tag is still on.”

Please understand that for me, this is like someone saying, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” No biggie. I always leave my tags on. Taking them off is just one of those things with which I can’t be bothered. And since I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE quite often, I have a lot of tags.

I thanked the nice woman and then continued walking. Didn’t even look for the tag, didn’t even pretend to. I got 99 problems, lady, and a tag ain’t one.

Half hour later I’m back in the locker room preparing to get in the shower. Yes, I shower at the gym, too. I refuse to pick my children back up until we have reached the FULL TWO HOUR NURSERY MAXIMUM. If I arrive three minutes early, I wait outside the door and stare into space for three minutes.

So I walk past the locker room mirror and do a double take. Here’s the tag. Here’s the tag I was wearing, just like this, for my entire two hours at the very crowded gym.





And there you have it.





Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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  55 Responses to “Whatever, Honestly”

  1. […] it all here! Like this:LikeBe the first to like […]

  2. […] at driving home the point when it comes to the battles we deal with in managing food allergies. 4. Momastery Glennon’s post make me laugh, believe in the good, and just brighten my days- always. This […]

  3. OMG- I'm your two hour Y girl…no less– and absolutely shower there- Love this post, my boss just asked me what I was laughing at in my office….oops…

  4. Well-said. As if removal were an option if they were necessary in the first place!

  5. So glad I happened upon you! Adding you to my blog roll. I think the tag only added to the hotness and that is why she noticed. At least that is what I would tell myself .

  6. Loved this, among many other of your pieces. Thank you for making me feel less insane! :-)

  7. I just snorted with laughter so vigorously that Coca-Cola shot out of my nose! This is marvelous. Truly marvelous…..and soooooo something I would do. Rock on, with yo padded self :-)

  8. Wow. I'm laughing out loud and it's 11:30 pm on my birthday. I've only discovered your blog through our connection with Anna Whitson-Donaldson. I've reposted your "Anna" blog because it captured everything I felt in yesterday's service. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing. It's amazing. But….today is my birthday, and my family and friends have been wonderful. I feel very blessed. But it's a Tuesday/school day/work day so it's come with the accompanying mommy/life demands. Which is fine. But, my heart is heavy and I haven't laughed much today or really hardly at all since last Thursday. Because I decided to see what else you've written, I have now laughed VERY VERY hard and it was GREAT. Thank you! I've sipped my red wine and now had a wonderful laugh — this essay is simply hilarious!! Just wanted you to know it was a HUGE gift many, many months after you wrote it! Goodnight!!

  9. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  10. That is awesome :).

  11. one time i got home from a little retail therapy only to discover that a long skinny sticker had apparently transferred itself to me from something i tried on… so it said X-LARGE X-LARGE X-LARGE X-LARGE repeatedly all down my thigh. awesome.

  12. lol. i love you!

  13. Oh may did I ever need that today…for I have has IT! IT is much better now in reading this :) Thanks You ~ Chole

  14. Love it! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face and a couple laugh out louds on a day that "I'm actually doing alright" even though my son is napping with a 102 fever right now.

  15. i think you should take the pads out because (based on the second pic) they are kinda making one of your boobs look lumpy. i once grabbed an ear plug from 8 month old that he picked up off the floor and for expedience shoved it into my bra for safekeeping. it was summer, bra was thin, t-shirt was thin. was out all day grocery shopping and at the park. that evening i looked in the mirror and realized that it looked like i had a second nipple on one side, kinda far off and to the right of the first nipple. i like your blog

  16. wow, awesome in an entirely different way! I love you so much glennon! it not only happens, but you share it with your monkeys! thank god for you!

  17. priceless, yet worth so much.

  18. No truer words have been spoken…esp about your writing!!!

    MK Gregory said…

    I didn't see that coming. Not even a little bit, which made it all the more hysterical.

    You are awesome! When I got down to the photos I was nearly peeing in my pants I was laughing so hard! My husband looked over at my like I was crazy! I need more laughs like that!

  19. L.O.L. That's all I got to say.

  20. perfect – just perfect!
    Retail therapy is a MUST for us mamas! I am against so much that Target (and like stores) represents, but I love to wander and buy crap that I literally use once. Who cares?! It makes me feel good.
    ;-)
    (Also a little addicted to Kohl's.)

  21. Hey, you could wear it the next time you travel by air and see what happens. A friend who wears "cutlets" (that's what we call the silicone bra inserts that look like raw chicken breasts) daily just had a most hilarious experience. As she went through the new scanners, a loud announcement shouted "foreign object hiding in passenger bra". Yes, she turned about 14 shades of purple.

  22. Love it! Even Ed got a great laugh out of this one!!
    See you soon! Can't wait!!!!
    Jen Z

  23. I knew I liked you! Hope to come out from hibernation soon and be more neighborly!

  24. excellent! mighty funny!

  25. Good one! LMTO!

    -GEEK

  26. OH-MY-GOSH that is HILARIOUS! Thanks for the morning laugh.

  27. omg is right. my brother just sent me the link to your blog and this post is HYSTERICAL!!! i haven't had a good laugh out loud like that from a blog in a long time. THANKS. that was awesome.

    i make crap runs all the time for the very same reason. surely this is no irony.

  28. 9:15. My pads and I will be there.

  29. Awesome. Want to join me for a sauna date tomorrow morning?

  30. love it.

  31. SOOOO funny! Love it!

  32. LOVE. IT.
    and LOVE YOU, G!!!

  33. Thanks for the laugh…I so needed it.

  34. CLASSIC Glennon! And your removable booby pads look great. I had a good laugh to myself the other day involving boobs, well, my prosthesis which popped out of my bra when I leaned over AT WORK. No one was around but it was so funny. Those suckers are heavy. (Note to self – I have GOT to get covers sewn into ALL of my bras so this does not happen again).

  35. HAHAHA I love this.

  36. You do crack me up…thanks for that again! Love it!

  37. The best! Thanks for the laugh.

  38. Glennon, Glennon, Glennon:

    You are a woman I will always want to know…I have been in a three day trauma training and needed that laugh more than you could ever know.

    Smooches funny lady.

    M

  39. Hi-larious! I love this, and I love you!

  40. LOL…thanks for the laugh. TOO funny! :)

  41. I will start by saying I love you! And I will finish by saying I am not at all surprised.

    Lol, awww you are awesome!

  42. Awesome! Lol! Oh man did I need this. Thank you Glennon!
    XoXo Susie M

  43. This goes under "A Few That Got Laughs." Out loud, I did. Thanks.

  44. So agree Donna! Stitch those suckers in…it's worse when they wander in your top while working out. Lopsided boobs.

    I just dreamt the other night that I got special boob implants that could change size. So for running, flat and firm, for special events, cleavage!

    Implants of the future!?!?!

  45. I was just reading this on the elliptical at the gym and not only did I just almost pee while snorting loudly and unexpectedly, I just checked my boobs. Best laugh ever!!!!!

  46. Retail therapy. It's a cure-all. So are bigger boobs. They should make yoga make-up to go with those padded tops. :)

    I do LOVE that someone pointed it out though. I also love that you ignored it. You are hilarious.

  47. i blame the woman. that's not really a tag. If she said sticker I bet you would have looked.

  48. I didn't see that coming. Not even a little bit, which made it all the more hysterical.

    I've always admired you, not because funny/crazy/weird things happen to you or because you do funny/crazy weird things, but because you have the wits about you (and the confidence) to turn them into the best stories ever. Most people want to die when something like that happens and only tell their very best friend, or maybe no one at all.

    And this is precisely why you're just what so many of us need. Thanks so much for yet another laugh!
    :)MK

  49. OMG… thank you so much for the laugh this morning… so funny… a friend of mine once did this only the sticker on her chest was XL… lololol…

  50. Thank you, G! You crack me up:)
    Andie

  51. Thanks for the smile and laugh -

  52. And what is UP with those removable pads, anyway? Those of us who need them (read: me) are not going to suddenly decide, on some random Tuesday, that we don't want them anymore. But if they're removable, it means they can wander around in there, on their own, and I'm constantly needing to put them back where they belong before I put the top on. Can't they just stitch those suckers in there permanently? It would save me the trouble of rearranging the top, and it would spare you the need for the sticker!

    p.s. I'm living in Jordan right now, and I miss wandering the aisles of Target, buying stuff I don't need. There really isn't an overseas substitute. Sigh…

  53. Whatevs! Well I think you and your hot boob-y top deserve a special little sticker….regardless of what it says! : ) I got 99 problems and a tag ain't one….that is HILARIOUS!!!

  54. Okay, I just spit the milk from my cereal out of my mouth. Hillarious. I gotta say though–your boobs do look pretty good. Hopefully that makes the experience worth it–just a little bit?

  55. My husband says we can't afford the Y right now, we have to wait and see how our bills are going to shake out (whatever that means!) for the next few months. I say we can't afford NOT to join the Y. Have you ever been home with these little people all day alone??????

    ((hugs)) to you Glennon!

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