My decision to get sober was more like a weary surrender than a bold march into battle. After I had allowed my life to fall into a thousand pieces for the thousandth time, Bubba and Tisha planned a loving intervention. Then I found out I was pregnant with Chase and I realized that I was running out of people and options. At the time, the path of least resistance seemed to be sobriety.
It’s not a cry that you hear at night, it’s not somebody who’s seen the light, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.
I called Sister and told her to do that thing she always does, which is to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do next, and then make that thing happen. A few hours later she gathered up my broken, cold, shaking self and drove us to our first AA meeting. Afterwards we came home, sat on my bed together and stared at the disaster on my bedroom floor. During my drinking decades, I lived like a pig. My room was nothing but a hazardous pile of stilettos, tube tops, wine bottles, ash trays, and old magazines. I valued nothing. Everything that came into my life was disposable – clothes, opportunities, people. My bedroom looked like my insides had spilled out onto the floor.
After a few minutes of quiet, Sister climbed down from the bed and started picking things up, one piece of trash at a time. She threw away the wine bottles and the cigarettes, she folded the tube tops, she gently tossed the magazines. I watched for awhile, and then joined her. We hung up every piece of clothing, wiped down every surface, poured out every hidden bottle of booze. We worked, silently, side by side, for two hours. Then we sat back down on my bed and held hands. My room looked so different. It looked like a place a girl might want to live again. I wondered if my head and my heart might one day be places I’d like to live again, too. It was the beginning of starting over.
The remarkable thing about that day is that it wasn’t remarkable. What Sister did for me that day is what she does for me every day.
I find life to be quite difficult. Painfully difficult and equally beautiful. Sometimes I wonder if I am missing some sort of protective layer that others seem to have which keeps them from crumbling and crying more. But then I remember that God gave me Sister as my layer of protection. I feel insulated from every painful and beautiful moment, because instead of being consumed, I am usually wondering…how will I explain this to her? What will she say? That’s probably how I became a writer, because most of my life I am simultaneously living and reshaping my experiences into stories for my Sister.
I do this because when I tell her my stories, her response sorts things out for me. Her voice and her face are mirrors to me. They say, everyday… It’s allright, Glennon. It’s allright.
Please, if you can, try not to teach me that it’s not healthy to depend on another human being this completely. I’m well aware. It’s terrifying. It’s why every time she leaves my house I stand at the front door and pray that she’ll make it to her bed safely. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying that it is.
We have a lot of songs, Sister and I. This is the one though, that feels to me like it was written for Us.
And it’s for you today, Monkees. Save somebody’s life today.
Love, G
[...] I got a super duper treat! I attended a presentation by Glennon of Momastery. And Sister was there. So [...]
I was reading this post and loving it (especially this: But then I remember that God gave me Sister as my layer of protection.) when my sister called me. And then in addition to the things we were supposed to talk about, we talked about how smart and funny and strong you are and how your blog helps both of us find wisdom and comfort in some of the times when we need it.
Perfect and beautiful. Thank you.
[...] This post was inspired in part by the sister love from dooce and momastery. Share this:FacebookEmailTwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this [...]
A friend posted a link to one of your blobs the other day and I was intrigues. After reading one blog I was hooked! You amaze me with your brutal honesty and ability to put all my feelings into your words! I have a sister, step sister and a best friend that could easily be that rock for me. Although I haven’t come close to going through what you have, God challenges each of us differently. Thanks for being an inspiration! This truly brought tears to my eyes!!
My sister told me about your blog…thank you so much for sharing yourself. I too feel this way about my sister. I don’t know what I would do without her!
The protective emotional layer you’re missing—I think you might be genetically low in endorphins. It could be biochemical and fixable! That aside, I love your honesty and I’m so thankful your sister was/is there for you.
Wow. I just found your blog last night and for some reason you give me comfort. You make me feel like it is ok to not be perfect through your struggles and stories (this is a huge compliment by the way. Perfection is not something that is attainable Ever.) I tried for so long to be perfect and then everything came crashing down around me. I almost lost everything. Everything that really mattered anyway. I am just glad I am alive. And I started picking up the pieces of my life in May 2010. Everyday is a struggle with worry, guilt, sadness. But. I am here. I am ok. My life is starting to work again. I am a mommy now. Best thing to ever happen to me. Thank you for sharing who you are. You make me believe again, that everything is ok. It will work out.
You have a beautiful mind. Your writing gives me the chills. Thank you, thank you for sharing the gift of you.
I just loved this post. Been thinking about it since yesterday. Thanks for sharing Sister with us (and sharing your cherished relationship!)
I went to my church's Ash Wednesday service tonight, and our pastor's sermon was about starting over, mostly in terms of thinking of Lent as a time to start over with God and right our relationship with Him. After listening to him, one of the first things I thought of was your post today. It is absolutely beautiful.
As I was thinking of your relationship with Sister, I looked around the church and realized that even though I live far away from my sister (and the rest of my family), the people in that church have become my Sister. They were my layer of protection while my husband was deployed. I had my second child while he was gone, and they fed us, visited us, babysat my older child, ran errands for us. Then, a few months later, when my father was diagnosed with a serious illness, they helped me pack, got me and the kids to the airport, took care of my house and my dog, stocked my fridge with groceries when it was time for us to come back, picked us up at the airport. You get the point. Throughout it all, they prayed and prayed and prayed for us. Even now, several years later, I know that without that layer, I would have crumbled, totally and completely.
Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me of how dear that church and its members are to me.
I don't have anything profound to add, but you are beautiful and I find that you are a blessing in my life. You are an amazing writer/story teller and I am addicted to reading your site. Again…beautiful.
Beautiful post, G.
Livewithlove, you figured the family out! Glennon usually writes exactly what she means!
MK
Sisters are amazing and I love reading about you and yours, G. My sister is 8,000 miles away right now, living in Japan. I chat with her everyday on FB. It breaks my heart into a million pieces that she has met my daughter just once and won't meet my new baby until she/he is a year old.
Your piece also brought back memories of my early days in sobriety. Those lines about valuing nothing and how everything in your life was disposable really touched a nerve. I am so grateful for the reminder of what it was like. It puts everything into perspective.
Blessings to you and your sister!
Glennon,
The relationship you and Sister have is remarkable. Thanks for sharing it with us.
From the day Olive was born, my biggest wish for she and Henry is that they will be each other best friends. I know they may have times where they don't feel like each other's bfs, but I hope that at the end of everyday, they realize how important they are to each other.
I hope I'm not too pushy with them about this, but if they end up having a relationship with one another like the one you and Sister have, I'll consider the job me and Danny have as parents to be a success!
Having said that, your relationship is a testament to Bubba and Tish's parenting.
I'm still new here…Bubba & Tisha are your parents? And "Sister" is your actual biological sister?
Thanks for sharing and making yourself so vulnerable. I learned yesterday (for the 100th time) in sharing the depths of my struggle with someone that when we do share deeply & honestly, we help everyone…ourselves and the ones we are vulnerable with. We remove that unrealistic veil of perfection & togetherness that isn't even real and allow others to have one less person to negatively compare themselves too.
Chimmy, that's the ONE thing I hope to do well…love my family!
Glennon, thanks for sharing Sister with us. For those of us who are lucky enough to have her in our lives, she continually proves to be the one who figures out what the hell we should be doing next and helps us do it. If she was my Sister, I'd contemplate locking her up and not sharing her with anyone. In fact, I consider doing that anytime she's around.
And as far as it being unhealthy to depend on another person so completely, I think the opposite is true – it is unhealthy when we insist that we can do it all ourselves and that we don't depend on whomever fills the Sister role in our own lives.
Now stop making Bums tear up at work. The Man don't like that….
Glennon,
I have read this post 3 times this morning and I still tear up reading it. Knowing both of you sisters has been such a blessing in my life and the bond that you both share is beyond words. I too have a wonderful sister, Elena —my rock since age 0, always looking after me, taking care of me when we didn’t have a mom around, always someone to bounce ideas off of, discuss deep things that have happened throughout our lives as a family and most of all supportive in all of my endeavors..whether they have been mistakes or not. She is someone I look up to and see as my role model and always will.
We go to comforting places where the struggles in life and overwhelming aspects of it take a back door. A place of unconditional love and support where she kindly reminds me that I can take anything on, I just have to believe in myself. She also reminds me to revel in the present moment and pray more for more peace, less anxiety, less fear, and more love. She’s my Mandy and I love her to pieces.
Thanks for reminding me of how special relationships can be.
BTW, regarding the protective layer, sometimes I think I’m the only one who doesn’t get it, because I too feel so overwhelmed by the big things and small things, while others make it look so easy….. I am praying for more of those protective layers because I think it may have to do with having more of G-O-D in my life
what a lovely tribute G. You are both very lucky to have each other.
"My Sister" by Juliana Hatfield:
http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#juliana%20hatfield%3A%20my%20sister
i agree with jennifer that i don't have one "Sister." God has given me a combination of people as well to save me each day, and I'm thankful for them all. i wish my real sister and i were as close as G is with hers. but i guess i'm not as good a sister as amanda, because my sister has come to me one too many times broken and i found i just wasn't strong enough to keep putting her back together. it felt like she was taking my love for her and throwing it back at me then spitting on it, and i just couldn't … can't keep coming back for more. so, amanda and all the other faithful Sisters who never leave — God bless you. i hope that He can help me to be half the sister that you are.
Beautiful BEAUTIFUL POST!!!
I love when family puzzles come together just right. Whether we are born into our family, whether we are adopted into our families or whether we are part of a family of friends we build over time or a family of one (Diane, I dig my solitude too)… it is so so very beautiful.
I love my sister to pieces… she's my Earth Angel God put on this planet just for me (my parents think it was for them but whatev). God knew we might need an extra layer of protection beyond the two of us… so he added my teddy bear brute force squad — the Brothers Munthali! If you've met them… you'd understand.
I can also relate to this story because one of those brothers had to pick up the pieces of his life one day. He leaned on each of us very differently and it was then that I realized just how fandamntastic, resilient and strong we all were as a family.
Sister said it all – if the only thing I do well is love my family well… I'm good.
Much Love and Peace to you Monkees!
I've always wished I had a sister – even though my brother and I are fairly close. I saw the relationships my friends had with their sisters growing up and despite some gnarly fights, I was still jealous. Then I got to college and saw that sister can be interpreted in many ways – it's not just a blood relationship. As hokey as it sounds, many of the 'sisters' I made when I joined a sorority are family to me. In particular, I have three very close girlfriends who will always be a HUGE part of my life and who save me regularly – even when we don't talk often. (That seems to be the case now that we're all married and starting families.) Even more special was when one of those three girls became my actual sister-in-law; I married her husband's brother whom I met at their wedding. So… I no longer am sad that I don't have an actual sister – I won out in the end because I have many.
I loved the song and feel like it's a powerful message that I want to emulate in my life. Thanks Glennon for all your posts but the one today really touched me.
Words can't even decribe what a beautiful relationship you two have. As I was listening to the song I was trying to figure out who my "Sister" is and was really bummed when I couldn't come up with an answer. Until I realized my "Sister" is a unique combination of my best friend, parents, husband, and children. Every day one of them saves me, again and again. And somehow God knows which one to use that particular day. I especially love when He uses one of the children, though. They teach me so much more than I seem to teach them!
-Jennifer P.
I tell my two children (a boy and a girl) everyday that no one else on earth with know their story, or love them as long as a sibling. And that it may get ugly sometimes, but that person is your safe harbour – Just like my mother told my siblings and me every single time we fought…"these are your best friends, treat them as such." It hasn't always been pretty for the three of us growing up, there were horrific fights, but once the twenties hit, we found and began to value the true unconditional love and support that exists there. Our parents taught us that family transcends all – and have been models of that belief our whole life. I hope I can pass this on to my children.
Glennon – in my own belief system – I am as sure you have Sister by your side because God knew she was a perfect fit for you – as I am sure that my parents adopted two children before I was born because God knew the three of us would make a perfect fit, and be lost on our own. By perfect I don't mean we always got along, or that it has been pretty (divorces, addiction, custody battles, arrests and the list goes on…we too have had some "festive" times), but through it all our parents have helped us to see that we are the ones who need to do what Sister does for Glennon. I think being a good sister is an incredible challenge for me, in our family circumstances, it is the only job besides wife and mother, that I work so hard at, but they love me in a way that makes every day worth it.
Thanks for this post, I think my sister is the strongest person I know…and today, as soon as I stop crying at my desk, I will find a way to tell her.
K
This post gave me a lot to reflect on. What an incredible relationship you two share! It's so beautiful, and yet so different from how I travel through life. When something big happens in my life (good or bad), I turn to my people–my best friend, my mom, my husband–only AFTER I've given myself time to process it on my own. If I don't get that alone time, I never really know how I truly feel about what happened. In the act of sharing the news, I automatically make sense of it–translate it–for the people I love. So I like to have some time to myself to sort out my feelings before I figure out how I will write that story to myself and to the people I love, and how that story fits in the bigger story of my life. That story is the truth too, but it's a different truth. It's why I prefer to go to scary doctors' appointments by myself.
My mom found out she had breast cancer and sat with the news for a month before she was ready to tell anybody, so I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. To people who rely daily on close loved ones that might seem sad that in such a dark time she chose to struggle alone rather than lean on the abundant love of her eight children and twenty-three grandchildren. But to me, it isn't sad at all. It's that people like us need to sit and examine our wounds and figure out the source and nature of the pain before all the loving noise rushes in, wrapping gauze around what's happening to us.
I've always considered myself an introvert because, while I love spending time with (and on) others, the source of my energy and my strength is my solitude. And the people who love me most give me space, and wait patiently until I've started to heal myself–or until I've started the celebration–before they rush in and wrap me up in their love. For me, that loving space is life-saving, too.
What a wonderful post Glennon, thanks! I love that song as well, so powerful. Your sister is a beautiful gift and I am sure you are a gift to her as well.
Sometimes the one who saves us is someone very close to us, other times it is a casual friend or even a stranger.
I am often amazed when the right person at the right time says something that everyone else has been saying for years, but I finally hear it at that very moment. For me it's more often the casual friend that breaks my barriers. I wonder why?
It is so easy for me to read your post and long for a SiSTER for me, where is my Sister? But I love how you ended it. I need to go and be that Sister. Thanks!
oh boy, momastery at work can be a dangerous thing to read. g – that was so beautiful it hurts. feeling very thankful to know you beautiful lobsters. (i will now officially be submitting my application for adoption into the sisterhood for your consideration.)
thanks, bums
Glen,
Thanks for giving me strength to talk to my brother 1,304,204 more times today. His divorce has been tearing me apart with sadness and frustration and feeling guilty for my own happiness. The only good thing that will come from this is the realization of how much we need and depend on each other. Just as you two have gone through your best and worst times together, we'll come together and realize there's plenty more good times and bad times ahead. But we've got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot.
It is so refreshing to know, based on this post and all of the comments, that it is ok to be overwhelmed with life. I feel this way everyday – overwhelmed with details for the big and small things and overwhelmed with expectations (imposed by me, mainly). And I think we all need that pilar of strength in another…
Great post Glennon! I so love hearing from you everyday.
Been sitting here for an hour and a half. Struggling to find words. Still don’t have them.
I am easily overwhelmed. I find staying on top of life difficult and exhausting; the big things, the tiny details. I get confused. I see the terror and ugliness in the world and I despair. I see the miracles and beauty and I am paralyzed by my smallness. In this life, most of the time I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I don’t know how to do it.
One of the only things I know that I am supposed to do in this life, the thing that never feels like time wasted, the only thing that I refuse to fail at, is loving you well. It’s my most important job and my greatest joy. And if that’s the only thing I get right in this life – and it probably will be- to my heart, it will be a life well spent.
It suffocates me to imagine 60 seconds of this life without knowing that I have you to walk with me, without my bearer of burdens, without my magnifier of joy, without my most important job.
I love you.
Sister
I Believe In You.
B. Dylan
They show me to the door,
They say don't come back no more
'Cause I don't be like they'd like me to,
And I walk out on my own
A thousand miles from home
But I don't feel alone
'Cause I believe in you.
I believe in you even through the tears and the laughter,
I believe in you even though we be apart.
I believe in you even on the morning after.
Oh, when the dawn is nearing
Oh, when the night is disappearing
Oh, this feeling is still here in my heart.
Don't let me drift too far,
Keep me where you are
Where I will always be renewed.
And that which you've given me today
Is worth more than I could pay
And no matter what they say
I believe in you.
I believe in you when winter turn to summer,
I believe in you when white turn to black,
I believe in you even though I be outnumbered.
Oh, though the earth may shake me
Oh, though my friends forsake me
Oh, even that couldn't make me go back.
Don't let me change my heart,
Keep me set apart from all the plans they do pursue.
And I, I don't mind the pain
Don't mind the driving rain
I know I will sustain
'Cause I believe in you.
Man, this post really makes me wish for a sister. I wonder if my mom and dad would reconsider having just one more kid?
I think it's awesome that you have someone to trust and lean on so completely. It's rare, you know?
G – an apology for yesterday. When I was praying last night I was convicted that I was wrong to hijack your blog. If I have issues with the culture, I need to put them on my blog, not yours. So I deleted my comments from yesterday and beg everyone's forgiveness.
I don't have a SISTER to show me the fine line between being informative and being a jerk, so I blew it yesterday. I am the SISTER in my relationship with mine — and I'm the younger one. I think I need to learn from your sister though because I grew weary of picking up mine from her disasters and moved away. She's sober now, and happily married, but we lost a lot of years.
So, officially apologizing for jerkiness and shuttin' my mouth NOW!
Glennon – I just sent this to my sister. She is 8 years younger than me and I love her to bits. We have always been close and in the beginning it was always me looking after her, but as we have both gotten older, it goes both ways. Thank you for writing about the specialness of sisters. I can't imagine a minute of my life without mine.
Luv2run, I hear you about the happy front. Quite often I am having a mental argument with myself when I am upset or down about something. I say "Kathleen this one part of your life is tough, big deal. These other parts aren't and people don't need to hear about what's getting you down" and I don't talk about them. And when I finally force myself to do it, I present it in jokes. It's my way of acknowledging it but putting up a wall so people can't really talk to me about it. Part of it is wanting to please others and for me, part of it is denial. If I don't talk about it, it isn't happening or it will go away. And I find the older I get the more I do this. Thank you for sharing and making me not feel so alone.
Love to the Monkees!
Beautiful. I don't think it is wrong to depend on her so completely. You will walk on your own soon enough, baby steps as you say. You've come a long way baby. You will always need her. My mom is my crutch and my closest friend and the only one who has time in her own busy life to stop, make time and listen completely and not start talking about herself.
In closing, that is the cutest picture of the two of you (I am guessing?).
G-
I can't agree with you MORE when you wrote about finding life to be quite difficult. Can at times be beautiful and wondering if I am missing some sort of protective layer that others seem to have which keeps them from crumbling and crying.
I think that is why I run so much! It relieves all my pains, anxieties and basically makes me smile again. This can be an exhausting cycle though but one I HAVE to do or I find myself to be the JERK I am trying not to be with my husband and kids. Though I have friends and sisters who I can talk to about my pains in life, I find it excrutiating hard to "START" that conversation. I am notorious for putting up a happy front to please and make it seem alright. Though deep inside I am not alright until I run or do some kind of kick your ass cardio to make it all right again.
Anyway, I feel better knowing that someone feels like I do out there in this jungle. It did sort of give me a piece of mind for today.
luv2run or (have2run2notBAJERK)
Sisters are wonderful – your posts about Sister always make me want to give mine a hug…but she's miles and miles away. Boo. So give your sister extra hugs for those of us who can't today
My husband is that person for me, however, God has sent different sisterfriends, no matter where I have lived. If I could move them all into one village that would be GREAT!!
There is a movie out now called "To Save a Life".
Have a blessed day Monkees!
I wish my sister and I were that close, I long for that closeness my sister but I just don't think it will every happen.
I am however that close with my Mom and for that I am so very grateful. I depend on her for everything and I never want to know what it will be like without her.
Jennifer M
G – I have a beautiful sister as well, who picks me up when I need it. I find that there's never a time when both of us need picking up though. I think you would find that you provide for Sister, even as much as she has been there for you.
My sister is my yin, and I am her yang. Our children are best friends, and even at 3 and 2 1/2 seem to sense that their mamas are best friends.
Sisters are a special breed, and I pray that my Grace will be blessed with a friendship and sisterhood just like mine, and that Amma and Tish will have the same as you and Sister.
Thanks for writing – everyday, no matter how you feel. You touch me in a way that no one else has. Blessings on your day….
(there are now two Laura's, so I am now Laura D)
I like to think God gave us people because He knew we needed eachother. I bet when God looks down on you and sister He's smiling a big old goofy grin.
thank you, g. can't say much more through the tears.
WOW!! It's amazing how God provides! I am so grateful that you have Sister and that we have YOU!!! Thanks for sharing your life with us Monkees!!!
Beautiful and makes me want to call the people in my life who save me on a daily basis. I, too, find life very hard and need people like my husband to make it through each day. I'm grateful you have Sister, she sounds amazing.