“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is
something we tune into.”
- Wayne Dyer
Ever since this interesting day, I’ve been thinking about how lessening the competition among women might better our chances at friendship and personal peace.
I think comparison and competition exist partly because we believe that there is a scarcity of good things in the universe. And that belief makes us kind of small and scared and unable to feel true joy for others or peace for ourselves.
Let’s see.
When a friend, or God forbid, a frenemy, mentions that she’s received a promotion at work, her son won an award at school, she’s just bought her third vacation home, or recently lost ten pounds…how do we feel?I know we say we feel happy for her, but how do we really feel? I think sometimes we really feel a little panicked. Like a determined bride at one of those terrifying Feline’s Basement wedding dress sales, we feel like our friend’s news means that now we have to run a little faster, push a little harder and get more aggressive in general. Because we think if our friend’s family is getting extra money, approval, admiration, and general blessings…that must mean there are fewer of those things less left over for our family. And how do we feel when one friend gossips about another? I know you probably don’t respond this way because you are lovely, but a little secret part of me always thought…“SCORE. Less respect for gossip victim, more respect for me.”
Like an author I love wrote, some of us believe that there is a “cosmic pie” and a bigger piece of goodness for you means a smaller piece for me.
Think about the people in your life who operate under this scarcity principle. You know who they are, right? They’re the people who cannot stand for light to shine on others. Who grab attention back as soon as they feel they’ve lost it in a conversation, who respond to your news with their bigger news. They find little acceptable ways to put people down. They are the ones who make you feel jumpy and nervous in general. And when you leave their company, you feel sort of discombobulated and smaller but you can’t put your finger on why.
A few years ago I got a little overwhelmed and consumed by jealousy so I decided to try believing in abundance. I decided, with the help of my long suffering and eternally patient tutor, Jesus, to quit believing in half empty or half full, and start believing in completely full. And it sort of looked like this: When a friend shared good news, and I started feeling jealous, I told myself, kindly and gently (which is the only acceptable way to tell yourself anything) to cut it out because scarcity is a lie and the truth is that there is ENOUGH to go around. And you guys, somewhere along the way, I think I’ve actually started believing myself. And I’ve been able to relax, enjoy other women a little more and stop grabbing so much. On my stable days, I even understand that not only can I allow other people to keep their good stuff…I can even give my own good stuff away because when I do, more will always be made available to me.
It’s like when my dad takes me out on the Chesapeake bay at dawn to watch the fishermen pour from their nets the thousands of fish they catch every morning. And I always think, MORE? Millions of fishermen have been at this for century upon century and there are still more fish? It’s like magic. Or, you know, God.
What do you think?
Yet another masterpiece! Thanks Glennon.
Yet another masterpiece!
Love it Glennon! Abundance is a great way to reframe those situations.
I think its okay to have feelings of envy and jealousy, as previously stated, they are natural human reactions. It's how we ACT when these feelings over take us that can create a problem. In some cases the feelings of jealousy can be a good thing anyway – perhaps serve as motivation for ourselves to exercise more, for example.If you find yourself trying to steal someone's thunder, try biting your tongue for just 10 seconds. The old count to 10… it helps put some of that initial raw jealousy at bay.Also, most people know who THAT person is – the habitual thunder-stealer. Perhaps let that be some motivation to curb the outbursts. No one wants to be THAT girl all the time.
I also want to be happy for others and not jealous of them. I see my kids already (at 2 & 4) being jealous of each other & always wanting what the other one has. Did they learn that from watching me? How can I have already taught them this?
What a great post. I love the idea of not vying for more, more more. I want to be happy for others, not jealous of them.
I like what Krystal had to say. I often feel like I try and win my daughters love by buying more or doing fun stuff because she never ever gives it to her father (we aren't together), like she gives it to me when she's upset with me. It's like he can do no wrong and let me be honest, it really pisses me off.BUT – I have learned that no matter what I do Taylor has the comfort in knowing that I will always be there for her and that I'm not going anywhere and that's why she "comfortable" telling me when she's upset with me. Does that make sense? When it comes to her Dad, she doesn't have the kind of relationship, she is also, in her own way, trying to "buy" her Dads love because he's not around a lot.Hey Krystal, if you need another frumpy friend, you can count me in
Jennifer
I have also struggled with this. Especially when I was a younger mom. The worst part for me was that even when I did get the bigger slice of the pie or the spotlight, it didn't fill me up the way I wanted it to. I think it is a life long learning process. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, wham! I get hit with a whole new lesson. If I remember to turn to God, he always straightens me out, and for that I am eternally greatful. One of my favorite says is… "It is PROGRESS, not perfection." That is something I can live with. Well done Glennon! Susie.
In yoga this morning the instructor said, "only when you cease juding yourself can you release judgement of others." Hmmmmm. Hmm.So, maybe the answer is for us to start being less hard on ourselves so we can find the peace to help lift others up, rather than push them down to make ourselves feel better.Because until we find peace with who we are and focus on our own talents and blessings (b/c we all have them ladies!), rather than our shortcomings, the comparisions are inevitable.
Abundance is often a state of mind. My middle school son told me this morning that some of the kids at his school who buy lunch buy 2 because they're growing so fast that 1 "school lunch" isn't enough. It made me wonder what the kids on free lunch do if the meal does not provide enough? Then I think about the kids in Kenya (or fill in another country) in the middle of drought. Not only is there not enough food but they don't even get the privilege of going to school.Each one of us should be aware that we are abundantly blessed just living in this country and partaking of its bounty. We should be grateful. Being grateful helps us to not be envious or jealous.Mind you, I still struggle with this…I haven't arrived yet. It is a natural HUMAN emotion to be jealous or envious. It takes the Holy Spirit to overcome it for even minutes at a time.
Fabulous post Glennon. I am often guilty of each of these. And it does actually make me sad… but somehow my brain shuts off and a little demon inside takes over. It's not until I've caused such damage to myself (and any other pedestrians) that I am so very regretful. I'm especially guilty of the spotlight attention grabber… I guess the question is how do you change? I've tried so many times. I suppose it's a growing process. Anyway, thanks for the reminder that we all need to do better, becuase there is better out there for each of us.
Well said. I think I started learning this lesson not in relation to girlfriends, but in relation to my ex-husband after our divorce. I wanted to have a peaceful break but he was so determinted to have the kids want him MORE. I couldn't convince him that they want us both equally and differently. I wanted him to just understand that love only grows, it doesn't get split up because we give some away. It's sort of worked out in the end though …we all love each other, except I can't stand him haha. Now in relation to girlfriends…I totally understand the jealousy thing. I beat myself up about weight loss and try and try to get inspired to lose weight because I see my friends looking fabulous but I've been down this road before and losing weight is a personal challenge, not a group one. I think that all friends should be fat together and then diet together. It's simply not fair for some friends to look awesome when the others (ME) are frumpy!